Chapter 8: Finding New Strength

Dear Yuuri,

It's hard to find a way to tell you exactly how it felt to have you appear in front of me like you did today. Joy is too tame a word. I was more like euphoric when I turned around and you were there. The feeling was so strong that, for a moment, I couldn't move. My throat tightened up and I couldn't say anything. I was feeling so many things all at once, I just froze.

I felt like it had been forever since I was really with you. To not have to pretend to see you, to feel your warmth and feel your closeness was overwhelming. It's like being away from you left me empty, and it was shocking to be filled again with you so suddenly.

Now, to watch as you lie sleeping is like heaven to me. Your lips smile like you know I'm right here, and that it doesn't matter we're in a strange place and not our house. Everywhere we are together, we are at home. And I think that's because what I think of as my home has changed. Home is where we are. Home is what we are when we are together.

Thank you, Yuuri. Thank you for being strong while we've been apart. Thank you for caring so much to talk to Stefan almost every day about how I was doing and what progress I was making. Thank you for coming and surprising me, making me remember how to smile. Thank you for bringing me something that reminds me of our better days together.

Most of all, thank you because you're going to be joining me for couple's therapy in the morning. I was feeling sad because I saw it listed on the schedule of available groups, and I thought that I really wanted to be able to do that with you. But I thought that we had to be married to be able to go. I'm so glad we can share this. It's hard facing my demons alone here. To have you here even one day a week and to have you in therapy with me makes me feel like I'm not trying to do this by myself. I know you didn't get me into this mess, but you're an angel to help me find my way out.

I owe you so much, and every day for the rest of my life, I will be grateful to you.

Love,

Vitya

XXXXXXXXXX

When we finally stop making love and really start thinking again, I realize that there is information I need to pass on to Stefan. Because of my illness and a few scheduling issues, we haven't had our private therapy session, and even if we had, I don't know if I dare say what I have to tell him, out loud. The person stalking me could have done more than leave a note in my room and tie me up and photograph me in the infirmary. If this is a sneaky person, which is seems to be, then maybe that person would also have the means to listen in on things in my room. The person could be lurking around, working in the hallways or cafeteria, assisting in the infirmary, cleaning rooms. If I say the wrong thing or a wrong move gets made, something really bad could happen. So, to be safe, I coax Yuuri into the shower to clean up after our lovemaking, and I turn the water on full blast, so it's loud. I move in close, like I'm kissing his neck, and I whisper into his ear.

"Yuuri, there is something I need you to do for me."

He starts to step back to look at me and answer, but I hug him more tightly, so that he can't move.

"I don't know if there's anywhere here safe to talk about it, because it may involve a staff member. I don't know for sure yet."

"What is it?" he breathes into my ear, barely audibly, "What's happening, Victor?"

I can tell right away he's scared.

I am too.

All of a sudden, my heart is pounding and I'm scared to death. I wonder what will happen if the person who is doing this figures out I've said something to Yuuri. Will he or she just come after me or could they harm Yuuri too? It scares me that Yuuri being here puts him in harm's way. I feel an urge to protect him, and I know that in the past, I probably would have tried to push him away to keep him safe. But maybe, just maybe, I'm starting to change inside, because of everything that's happened. I feel the strength that we have together, and I feel like it's wrong to separate and not have that strength. I'll still be more vulnerable when Yuuri's not here, but when he is, we'll be able to support and look out for each other. Yes, I need to entrust this to him, for my safety and his. I caress his back and kiss him beneath the ear before going on.

"Just after I arrived, I found a strange note in my journal," I whisper to him, "It was a Roses are Red poem that said, Roses are red, violets are blue, Your Japanese lover is sweet, but I am the one meant for you."

I feel him take a scared breath and his heart begins to race.

"I ignored it because there was someone who, at the time, I wasn't getting along with. I thought that she did it to creep me out."

"But, you don't think it's her now?"

"No, I'm sure it's not. We still have our differences, but I know her a little better, and I really feel like this isn't her. But that's not the only thing that happened."

"What else happened?"

"You know that I was in the infirmary?"

"Mmhmm."

"While I was there and unconscious, someone came into my room there and took a naked picture of me. They put it into my journal again, and on the back was another poem that was a threat this time. I will show you when we go back into my room."

"Victor, why didn't you tell Stefan about this?"

"I haven't had a private session with Stefan yet, because my illness threw me off my schedule for awhile. I don't dare say anything when anyone else is around, so I'm telling you, because when you leave, you will be able to tell Stefan. I don't have the first note, because I threw it away, thinking it was a stupid joke, but I'll give you the picture with the second poem on it. Be sure that he gets it, but be careful no one sees you give it to him."

"Okay, I'll be careful," he promises, "I'll make sure he gets it. But Victor, you need to be really careful too. Keep Maccachin close to you when I'm not here. He won't let anyone hurt you."

"Yuuri, I've been thinking about that."

He steals a little questioning glance and his eyes widen.

"Victor!" he hisses softly, "Don't!"

"Yuuri, I know it's dangerous, and it certainly will make me an easier target, but I couldn't stand it if Maccachin got in the way of this person, and they hurt him or killed him to get to me. Macca is very old. If the person wanted to get past him, it would be easy. He really can't protect me, and I can't protect him here. Please, if you love me, then take Maccachin with you when you go. Talk to him and tell him that I love him and I miss him, but that this is really safer for him. Please, Yuuri. I know Maccachin is old and he won't be with me forever, but I can't lose him this way, of all ways. When he leaves me, I want it to be peacefully…with you and me right there with him."

Yuuri thinks for a moment, then he shakes his head a little and answers with a question that instantly makes me tear up.

"If you asked Maccachin what to do, what do you think he would tell you?" Yuuri asks.

I think my heart just broke into a lot of little pieces.

"Maccachin is very old and for his whole life, you have been there with him. He has comforted and protected you since he was little and you were just a teen. His whole life has been about loving you. He's not young anymore, so he can't do everything he could. But right now? Just having him in your room with you can keep the person stalking you from trying to come in. Maccachin would hear them, and even if he couldn't stop them, he could alert you before anyone could get close to you."

"Yuuri, no…"

"When you can't be with him, then have someone you trust watch over him. You trust Vasily, right? There must be one or two people you could trust to take care of him."

"Maybe, but I don't…"

"Victor, let me ask you something. Why don't you just take the picture to Stefan right now and tell him you need to leave? I'm sure he would let you if he saw that you were being threatened. I know that you want the therapy, but it's not safe here for you. Maybe you can do outpatient therapy, now that you've gotten through most of the detoxification."

"I thought of that," I explain, "Then, I reread the papers I signed when I committed myself. Yuuri, while Stefan is my recovery specialist, he doesn't get to make that determination. If I give him the photo and he reports it, there is still a procedure everything has to go through. There will be a meeting scheduled with me, Stefan, Doctor Bershov, the staff nurses who have worked with me, as well as Yakov, who holds my power of attorney while I'm considered incapable of making my own decisions and an ombudsman from the facility to represent my interests and make sure I'm treated fairly. But the person who has to determine the validity of my case isn't Stefan, and the procedure would put me instantly at risk, because if this is a staff member, it could be one of the nurses or doctors who have worked with me. They could say something at the meeting to discredit me. And even if not, the procedure takes awhile because the meeting has to be scheduled for everyone. What if this is a staff member? If it's someone who will be in that meeting, do you think they'll just let the meeting happen? Or do you think they'll make some move to harm me before I ever have that meeting?"

He stiffens under my hands, then lets out a frustrated breath.

"Maybe you're right. I will take the picture to Stefan, but I want you to be careful, and to keep Maccachin with you whenever you're alone. Lock your door and window at night. Do whatever you have to, to keep yourself safe."

"Yuuri," I whisper, tearing up again, "I know you're probably right, but I hate even thinking of someone hurting Macca."

"You're worried for me and you're worried for him. Maccachin and I are worried for you. I don't know if you realize it yet, Victor, but when I moved in with you, you, Maccachin and I became a family. And each of us knows that we love the others. We love them, so we will do whatever we can to protect them…even if that puts us in harm's way. I know it scares you to think of someone hurting him, but that old dog is the best protection you have right now. Don't send him away and leave yourself wide open for this creep to get to you. That's probably what they want you to do."

I know he's right, but…I hate this!

Yuuri rubs my back and kisses me while I cry out of frustration, but eventually, I come to terms with the fact that it's really what I have to do. And Yuuri's right, if Macca could talk, I know that he would want me to keep him with me, to let him stand between me and this stalker. I just know how heartbroken I'll be if that person does harm him.

God, please don't let that happen to us!

I'm still kind of a mess when we get out of the shower. I sit down on the bed with Maccachin, and I hug him tightly and whisper into his ear that I want him to be careful. He licks my face and makes me start crying again. Yuuri sits beside me, comforting me without words while I get myself together. Once I've got myself back under control, Yuuri uses his fingers to brush the hair away from my eyes.

"You know something?" he says thoughtfully, "After only one week, you are a little different."

"What? You mean because I'm emotional and cry easily?" I huff, turning my head away.

"You don't cry easily," he says, taking hold of my chin and making me look into his eyes, "You cry about the things that really matter to you. Do you know that the whole time we were together for that season, you only really cried in front of me one time?"

"Well, what you said hurt me so badly, I couldn't help it."

"But now, you're crying in front of me over other things that matter to you. You used to change the subject or distract me, so you wouldn't have to deal with things. You're more open with me, kind of like how I opened up to you before."

I look back at him, unable to think of an answer. Then, Yuuri smiles and kisses me on the mouth.

"Thank you for sharing more things with me. Maybe you were worried before, because you were trying to help me when I was weaker and couldn't really be an equal partner for you. But, because of you, I'm stronger now. It's my turn to be there for you and help you become somehow stronger."

"Stop it!" I complain, "You'll make me cry again, Yuuri."

"Go ahead," Yuuri says, hugging me tightly, "If you are sad, cry on my shoulder. If you are scared, tell me, and we'll face whatever it is together. If you're angry, it's okay. I know how to calm you down. And if you feel lost, I'm right here. We'll find our way. It will be all right, I promise. You see, Vitya, you don't have to always be the strong one now. When you need to, you can depend on me."

He has gotten stronger.

I've been thinking that for a long time, of course, but I was worried that while he was getting stronger, I was getting weaker. I was struggling with alcohol addiction and my life was coming apart around my ears. Amidst everything, Yuuri was with me. Even when he was away from me, I felt the strength of his love.

Thinking about that brings a calm that lets me take a breath and relax a little. We kiss a bit more, then I pick my journal up and flip to the place where I left the picture. A jolt goes through my insides and I stiffen as I check thoroughly, but find that it's gone. Yuuri starts to say something, but I push him down on the bed and start kissing him. I put my lips to his ear and tell him what he already seems to know.

"It's gone."

He kisses me on the throat and brings his lips to my ear to respond.

"You've kept it with you?"

"Mmhmm. I've put it down during some meetings, but it would have been risky for someone to take it then. I wish I knew when it was taken."

"Could it have fallen out?"

"I don't think so, but…maybe. But if someone found it who wasn't the stalker, why wouldn't they tell me? Why not give it back?"

"Unless it fell out and the stalker was lucky enough to find it."

"Whatever happened to it, this is bad, Yuuri!" I whisper, "Remember, if Stefan tries to intervene by setting a meeting, there will be a panel deciding the validity of my complaint. I'm an addict, so even if Stefan believes me, there's no guarantee that anyone else would!"

"What do we do?" Yuuri whispers back, his voice shaking, "You have to do something to protect yourself."

"Yes," I agree, "I want you to tell Stefan everything. Have him meet you somewhere away from here. Tell him what I told you, and tell him what happened to the evidence. If I get another threat, I'll keep it under lock and key this time!"

Yuuri turns his head and gives me a worried look.

"But…what if whoever is doing this has already thought you would try to get a message to Stefan through me?"

We look at each other silently, holding each other close, because we're both scared now. We know that I really have no options, other than this. I can't have a meeting with no evidence. I can't get out of the recovery center without a meeting. We have to get the message to Stefan and at least alert him. It's all we can do.

I sit back up and bring Yuuri up with me.

"So," I say, acting as though we hadn't just been talking about hair raising things, "since you're going to be here on Saturdays, there is a group meeting for addicts, where we meet with two counselors together, then the partners separate and one counselor meets with the addicts and one meets with the partners of the addicts. It's supposed to give support to me, but also to you, because when I get out of here, you'll want to know what you're supposed to do to support me, da?"

"Right," Yuuri agrees, "That sounds good, Victor. Sure, I'll go with you."

"Okay, we'll go tomorrow then. I have a meditation class soon, so I should get ready. You are welcome to come. The group leader already said that visitors are welcome. It's pretty relaxing, and I think we can both use that."

"Right," Yuuri agrees.

We dress, then leave the room together, and we bring Maccachin along. As we walk down the hallway, Petya heads the other way, approaching us.

"Yuuri," I say, stopping in front of Petya, "this is Petya, another of the patients here. Petya, this is my partner, Yuuri Katsuki."

"Hmm," Petya says in the soft, quiet tone he always uses with everyone, "It's a pleasure to meet you, Yuuri."

He pauses and glances at me for a moment, then smiles at Yuuri.

"There is quite a strong connection between you two."

Yuuri blinks and looks confused as Petya continues down the hallway.

"Don't mind him," I chuckle, "He is a little strange. I kind of think that everyone here is a little bit strange. That might have something to do with why we all ended up here, you know?"

"Um…maybe?" Yuuri laughs, "But I don't think you're strange like that."

"I should say that we all have our quirks."

"That sounds more like you," he giggles.

I slip an arm around him and nuzzle his cheek.

"You should be happy. You are my greatest and best quirk, Yuuri," I purr in his ear.

"Ugh, quit with the PDAs, please?" Masha calls out from one of the exercise rooms.

Yuuri and I step into the room together and surprisingly, Masha stops in the middle of a pirouette and comes to meet us.

"So, you're Yuuri Katsuki," she says, ignoring me completely as I try to introduce her, "We didn't get to say hello before because Victor was having a crisis."

"I was not having a crisis," I say, frowning, "I was surprised when Yuuri appeared so unexpectedly."

Again, she ignores me, and she smiles warmly at Yuuri.

"I'm a big fan, Mr. Katsuki," she says with a warmth I've never heard her use.

"Oh," Yuuri says, blushing, "you can call me Yuuri."

"It's very nice to meet you, Yuuri."

"Excuse us," I say shortly, "we have a class to get to."

"Will I see you at dinner?"

"Not if I see you first," I say beneath my breath.

"I'm not sure what Victor's schedule is but…"

"Come Yuuri," I say shortly, "We don't want to be late."

I can see Masha smirking at us as I hustle Yuuri down the hall.

Seriously?

Is she sweet on my fiancé or something?

What is in that woman's head?

No wait, I don't want to know…