Chapter 9: Love That's Always There

Dear Yuri,

Doctor Bershov, lol, my 'favorite' therapist, set me an assignment to do in my journal so that I can, according to him, unlock my emotions about the child abuse I suffered and the fact that my sometime father nearly murdered me. I'll include my first here to share it with you, and you can tell me if you think I did a good job. I won't ask Bershov his opinion, though I'm sure he'll give it anyway.

God, I really don't like that man…

But anyway, the poem is a word poem that is made from phrases I was given. The first is 'I was an abused child.'

Victor

It hurts.

Why can't I move?

Am I still breathing?

Something is beeping.

A hand on my face

Nurse tells me not to be afraid

Aches in my body

Bruises underneath my clothes

Unwanted

Sent away

Endlessly wondering what I could have done differently

Dying inside, but taught to smile

Cold ice is my shelter

Hiding the bruises under long sleeves

Inside is the only place I cry

Lose myself in the music

Dance my pain until…someone sees

Okay, I'm no poet, but I don't think it's bad. I wonder what Doctor PTSD with think of it. I'll let you know.

Love,

Vitya

XXXXXXXXXX

"The meditation class was really relaxing," Yuuri says as he follows me back along the hallway to my room, "W-well, maybe except when he started talking about how couples can use it to connect and bond more closely for enhanced sexual pleasure."

"You were blushing all over when he was explaining that," I snicker, "So, are you horny?"

"Victor!" he laughs.

"Well, are you? We can…"

I stop as loud voices sound in a lounging room we are about to pass. Tolya's voice sounds angrily as he addresses someone in the room with him.

"You disgusting old pervert!" Tolya says scathingly, as Yuuri and I peer around the corner and spot Tomas cringing back against the wall with Tolya's hands against his shoulders and pushing him, "Stay away from me from now on!"

He lets go of Tomas and stomps out into the hallway, where he spots Yuuri and me and gives us a dismissive look.

"Freaks!" he spits as he pushes past Yuuri, almost knocking him over.

I reach out and steady Yuuri, then scowl after Tolya's departing form.

"Asshole…"

Yuuri spots Tomas slinking out of the room, and he smiles kindly.

"Are you okay?" he asks, "That guy looked like he hurt you a bit."

"I…I'm f-fine," Tomas stammers, holding his journal tightly against his chest as he scurries past us, "Sorry! Sorry!"

"What's up with him? With them?" I mutter, "Eh, whatever. Well, Vasily and Calina should be in the music room by now."

"The music room?" Yuuri inquires, "Oh right, you were helping Vasily with his choreography."

"Right."

We find Vasily at the piano in the music room, and I sit beside him with Yuuri standing beside me. We listen as he plays and sings some of the love ballad, then he looks at the two of us and tilts his head a little.

"What?" I ask curiously.

"Hmm, I was just thinking about the video," he answers thoughtfully, "I know I said I was thinking of hiring a couple of dancers, but…you know, I might not need to do that."

"Oh? Why is that?"

Vasily grins.

"Because…I think I'm looking at the perfect couple to use in the video for my love ballad."

Yuuri and I exchange tentative glances, then we give Vasily a shocked look.

"Victor and me?" Yuuri asks in a stunned tone.

"Exactly!" Vasily says, standing, "The two of you are perfect for the lyrics…you know, two people surprised by love? It starts out as two people who just like being together, then something bigger happens? We could use footage of your skating!"

"B-but, Victor and I have never done something like that," Yuuri muses, "We're not really…"

"Well, we do dance," I remind him, "Just because it's on ice doesn't change that. It could be really fun, don't you think?"

"But Victor, this is for a major music video. And you and Vasily are still in therapy. How is that going to work?"

"Let me worry about that," Vasily laughs, "I want Victor to come up with the choreography to tell the story for the song. Do you think you can do it?"

I give him a shrug and an approving grin.

"I'll give it my best."

"Worst that happens is that it doesn't work out, and I make something different. We can make a sort of little preview video to run by my producer and see what he thinks. I have most of what I need here already. I'll just need permission from the facility to use recording equipment here. I'm sure we can work something out so that we can do this. What do you say, guys?"

Yuuri and I exchange glances, and I can tell Yuuri is flattered by the request, but he looks uncertain.

"What is it?" I ask him.

"Well," he says, frowning a little, "I want very much to say yes, but…Victor, are you sure that it wouldn't get us into trouble for a public display of our relationship?"

"There are lots of ways to avoid that," Vasily says reassuringly, "We deal with this kind of thing all of the time. I know just how to make it so that what's in the video doesn't cause any problems. We'll just do what the two of you do anyway. We'll make the love story all about your skating. That's what you do right now, da?"

"That's right," I agree.

"Okay," Yuuri says, nodding, "If Victor thinks it's okay, I'll go along with it too."

"This is going to be so much fun!" Vasily says excitedly, "Well, I'm going to run and get working on the permissions we need and the plans."

He hands me the music sheet for the song.

"You can start thinking about the story, and how to show it."

He gives Calina a little wink.

"Want to come and help me?"

"It sounds like fun," she says, falling in with him.

We watch as the two leave, then I glance at the music, then back at Yuuri.

"Well, this will give me something to occupy me while we're apart this week," I comment as we head off to the cafeteria for dinner.

We find a quiet corner and start to eat, but halfway through, Masha appears and sits down with us. I start out feeling annoyed, because she continues to focus so much attention on Yuuri, but something in the things she says while they're talking and the way she is so riveted make me think she might just be a little starstruck. And that's not too hard to understand. Yuuri made a splash in the skating world when I became his coach, and when he came back to Russia after placing second in the Grand Prix Finals, he started to gain a following here too. As she continues to chatter with Yuuri, I also notice that she seems more relaxed with him. She's careful around the people here. She's only recently begun to relax a bit with me. I've never seen her have a visitor. All I really know is that she transferred here from another facility just before I arrived. I've never heard her talk about the move or why it happened.

Maybe after Yuuri leaves, I'll try to coax a little out of her.

"Sorry to talk your ear off," she chuckles, "but I haven't missed one of your performances since I first saw you at the Rostelecom Cup with Victor."

"You were there?" Yuuri asks.

Hmm, maybe I don't have to wait to dig for more.

"A friend…my boyfriend got tickets and we went together. He was excited because Victor was coming back to Russia and everyone was talking about it. I hadn't been to an event like that before, and I really liked it."

She pauses for a moment and glances at me.

"I thought it was funny when Victor was distracted by the audience chanting his name, and you grabbed his tie and pulled him close to you. You have balls of steel, doing something like that to Russia's ice prince in front of his home crowd. And Victor suddenly forgot everything except you. Then…you made everyone watching forget about everything but you, too."

"Yuuri has that effect," I agree.

It doesn't escape me that she doesn't call me ice fairy this time.

I'm missing something about her.

What?

"He is a brilliant skater."

"I have a brilliant coach," Yuuri says proudly.

"Victor does find the best in people, doesn't he?" she remarks.

She…complimented me?

I am so confused now.

"He does," Yuuri goes on, "I'm lucky to have him."

"You are lucky to have each other."

I hear something in her voice when she says that. It sounds like a touch of pain. Maybe she's a little lonely? I mean, she doesn't act like she needs anybody. Since I came here, she's been nothing but tough and standoffish. She's abrasive and kind of a loner. She has loosened up with me, Vasily and Calina, but she keeps this little distance.

"Thank you," Yuuri says appreciatively, "It's nice meeting you, Masha. I hope to see you when I come back next week too. How long will you be in therapy?"

"Oh…a while," she sighs, shaking her head, "Two steps forward, one step back, you know."

"Do you have someone supporting you? Your boyfriend?"

"Um…no. My boyfriend dumped me and I don't really get along with my family," she admits.

Yuuri looks at me for a moment, then back at her.

"Victor and I will support you," he offers, "You should come to group therapy with us."

Did he just…?

"Oh, no, you're here to see Victor on weekends," she objects, "I'm doing fine in my therapy."

Yuuri considers her words, then shakes his head.

"Everyone needs to feel supported sometimes, even if they think they don't."

"Yuuri, she said…"

"I saw the two of you dancing together when you were showing Vasily what you had planned for the video so far," Yuuri interjects, "You both like to dance. I could see how happy that made you. When you're fighting addiction, it's important to connect with other people."

He turns his attention to me again.

"I didn't tell you this before, but I am in a group for partners of alcoholics," he explains, "I had to get help from Sava to find one where they speak English so I can understand, even though my Russian isn't so good yet. Anyway, I know it's good for Victor to make friends here. It will help him to progress, and having friends will help you too. So…will you go with us, Masha?"

She looks genuinely surprised and more than a little unsure what to do.

"Um…you know, I'll think about it, okay?" she says, "Nice eating with you."

She leaves even though she's not finished with her food.

Yuuri looks at me and smiles ruefully.

"I hope it's okay I did that," he says, "I can see that she gets on your nerves for some reason."

"Mostly because when you're not here, she insults me a lot."

"Kind of like a sister," Yuuri chuckles, "She seems a little like Yurio sometimes, doesn't she?"

That takes me aback a little.

"Yes, kind of," I agree.

"So, just treat her like you do Yurio, and you'll get along fine."

I have to laugh out loud at that.

"Yurio and I don't get along fine!" I giggle, "We fight all of the time."

"But underneath that, you know that he looks up to you, and the two of you are really friends. Maybe the friendship you and Masha have is complicated like that."

"Oh, you don't know the half of it," I complain, "Yuuri, you don't know the crap she's pulled with me. She was a shit to me when I first got here."

"But she isn't now, right?"

"Eh, no?"

"You don't think she could be the person stalking you, right?"

I pause to consider everything, and I have to shake my head.

"No, she's a troublemaker and she had it in for me at first. But after I collapsed in front of her, and she saw me really in distress, she lightened up. She's been better, though I would hesitate to call it being nice exactly. She is like Yurio sometimes."

"She seems lonely," Yuuri comments, "and I wonder why her boyfriend left her."

"I didn't know she had no support from her family. I guess we can encourage her to come to group therapy too, if you want."

Yuuri leans closer to me and takes my face in his hands, giving me a kiss.

"I want you to be safe," he whispers into my ear, "The more people you have that you can trust, the more you will be protected from the person trying to hurt you."

"But, what if I trust the wrong person, Yuuri?" I whisper back, "What then?"

We're quieter as we finish dinner and head back to my room for the night. I feel so much better as we undress and curl our naked bodies around each other.

"Oh, I missed sleeping with you!" I sigh, burying my face in his neck and shoulder and breathing in deeply.

"For tonight, you'll sleep better," Yuuri whispers, running his fingers through my hair, "Build up your strength with me, so that you'll have a good week in therapy, Vitya."

"I don't want to go to sleep," I yawn, "The night will go too fast, and it will be time for you to leave too soon."

"Shh," he breaths, stroking my head and back gently, "Go to sleep, Vitya."

I resist at first, but Yuuri starts singing a cute Japanese lullaby, and I drop off pretty quickly. I do sleep better, at least until very early morning, when my body suddenly decides to punish me for continuing to withhold the liquor. My heart starts racing, my head begins to ache, and I start sweating. I don't want to wake Yuuri, so I slip out of bed and go sit on the floor in my bathroom. I keep a cool, wet washcloth to dab away the sweat, and I close my eyes and try to use the meditation I've learned to calm myself. I wrap my arms around my bent legs and rest my face on them, trying to rest.

After awhile, Yuuri opens the bathroom door and looks in without turning on the light.

"Are you all right?" he whispers, looking a little scared.

"Mmhmm," I reassure him, "Sorry, it's just withdrawal. It makes me uncomfortable, and I didn't want to wake you."

I use the washcloth to wipe the sweat from my face.

"Or sweat all over you," I add.

"Don't worry about that," he says, reaching out a hand, "Come back to bed."

I take his hand and he helps me up, then we climb back into bed and he gives me little calming touches and hums something soothing until I can fall asleep again.

What did I ever do to deserve him?

How did I even survive before I met and loved Yuuri?