Chapter 10: Making Amends

Dear Yuuri,

Have I ever told you how beautiful you are when you're in our bed, naked and curled up beside me? I was telling you that for a long time this morning when I was awake, but you were still sleeping. And after that, I was just lying there, kissing your soft neck and your shoulder, telling you "I love you, Yuuri." over and over. Eventually, you opened your lovely brown eyes and you smiled at me. You asked me why I was just lying there, repeating those words.

And like I've been doing too much since I've been in this crazy, horrible place, I started to leak tears onto my face and told you that I have to tell you that so many times, because I can't be at home to say it to you every day. Because I fucked up my body with alcohol before I even knew you, we have to be apart a lot while I fix myself. I ache so much for you when I'm alone here, and I know you ache for me. One of the things I've learned in therapy is that it's important to acknowledge the hurt that my drinking has caused and to try to make what apologies I can.

What I really wish I could do is to go back and kick my younger self in the ass and tell him not to be so stupid! I would tell him that all of the pain, all of the loneliness and sadness would go away. I would tell him that someday, a beautiful Japanese boy would steal his heart and would open up new worlds for him to explore and enjoy. It kills me to think of the time that's passing and the days and nights we are losing because of my bad choices.

I told you all of this and you told me that I don't have anything to apologize to you for. You said that you were sure that it wasn't easy for me, that I was young and I'd had a lot of bad things happen to me. You reassured me that we are both strong enough people to get through this separation, and that when I am done, we will have many years to love each other, and to build whatever future we choose.

This is just one of the million ways you constantly remind me how lucky I am to have you, so I will spend the rest of my days making you lucky to have me too. I will find a way, no, a billion ways to love you the way you deserve to be loved, and to give you every happiness.

Love you,

Vitya

XXXXXXXXXX

Yuuri usually sleeps late, but he wakes up early, maybe because, like me, he dreads the fact he's going to say goodbye later today, and it will be another week before we can see each other again. We try to be practical about the whole thing, reminding ourselves that there have been other times when one thing or another made us spend time away from each other, and we got through that okay. I guess, for me, it's really just that I still blame myself for screwing around and getting addicted to booze, even though that happens to a lot of kids in Russia…hell, it happens to a lot of kids everywhere. I just regret now that I let it happen to me…to us. If nothing else, it's a sign that this love we share is so intense, it can be overpowering. I didn't realize love could be that strong.

But it is that strong and stronger, so as we wake to the last hours we are together, we decide to not thing about it anymore, and just to enjoy the time that we have.

We take Maccachin out for a jog, but it ends up with us just walking because my body is still recovering from being so sick after I arrived here. If my stamina was an issue before, it's exacerbated by the effects of withdrawal, so we take it easy and just stroll about the grounds with Macca before going back and getting ready for couple's therapy. We look for Masha to see if she wants to come, but she isn't anywhere to be found, so we have breakfast, then attend the therapy session.

Surprisingly, Tolya is in our group, but it's his mother who attends, not a romantic partner. He glowers at Yuuri and me, but he doesn't say anything to either of us. I have to wonder what it is that makes him so hateful to people he doesn't even know. And during the session, I begin to see that a lot of his issues are because of the way he was raised. His mother, herself, seems just reserved, not openly hostile in any way, but things that she says during the session make it clear that Tolya's family is very orthodox Christian.

Eda is also in the session, attending with her sister for the first time, instead of her husband, who she tells the group, is leaving her for their friend from church that he is having an affair with. She holds herself up well, but Yuuri and I can see it's crushing for her to lose the person she loved for so long.

"I think the hardest thing," she confesses, "is that Berdy and I didn't really fight the way I would have thought that a couple in trouble would. I mean, we had disagreements, but he never said that it was bad enough to make him look somewhere else for love. I never refused to be with him the way a wife should be with her husband. It seemed like there were challenges, but that we were both doing our best. From what I can tell now, Berdy went out of his way not to make any waves or to give me any hint that our marriage was in trouble. But when he was caught and couldn't lie anymore, his choice was to leave me in the middle of my therapy and to go to this woman who had been comforting him for many years while we were raising our children. I just wonder, if I hadn't found out, if he hadn't been caught, how long would he have kept on lying. I also have to wonder how she feels, knowing that he only went to her in the end, because he couldn't keep up the double life. Maybe she's relieved he got caught and she finally won him for herself. I'm sad that Berdy is gone, but I do think that his adulterous lover is going to find that he's not so exciting when he doesn't have to work hard to be able to see her."

"It was similar with me," another female patient named Raya says, "It's possible that she will realize this, now that it's just the two of them. That happened with my husband, and a few months later, he tried to come back and convince me to leave my Levka. I didn't even blink. I told him to hit the road and keep going. I have enough trouble staying sober and fighting my anxiety. I don't need someone like him. I appreciate now having someone who really loves me, and who is as devoted to me as I am to him. If he comes back, remember that he's not the last man in the world. There are better men out there."

Eda thanks her for her support, then she looks at me.

"I'm curious, Victor," she says thoughtfully, "You've been the other partner, the one who a married woman cheated with. I know that you didn't know she was married, and you ended it when you did find out. I know it's a personal question, but…"

"It's fine," I assure her.

I'm not really sure in my head if it is fine, but this is therapy, and we're supposed to feel supported in sharing, knowing that no one is supposed to share things they learn here that are private. Yuuri knows, of course, about the incident with that girlfriend of mine, but I've never really talked in detail about it.

"Maybe it's a little different," I say, "because Kisa was keeping both her husband and me in the dark about everything. They had been married for about seven years and I was younger than she was. I was growing popular in the skating world. I had plenty of choices of who to date, but it was important to me to be loyal to one person. Kisa knew those things, so maybe she lied because I was naïve, and she wanted to be attractive to me. She knew I liked to go out with friends to a particular night club every week, so she dressed up and came to that club, and talked to me a lot. She seemed sophisticated and exciting. I had no idea that while she was out with me, her husband was thinking that she was with her friends having dinner or something. She came to see me skate away from home, and stayed with me in my hotel room. Maybe I should have asked more questions. I don't know. I just never thought someone would do that…not to their husband and not to me. When I learned from a friend that she was lying to me, that she had a husband, I was overseas with her for a competition. We fought and I told her to leave. Then, when I returned to Saint Petersburg, I waited until I was sure that he was home and she wasn't. I went to see him."

"That must have been really awkward," Eda says, giving me a sympathetic look.

"I was actually kind of afraid of him at first," I admit, "I mean, I had no idea what Kisa told him about me. I was sure she blamed me for everything. I thought he might get violent with me, so I had Yakov, my skating coach, come with me to ensure my safety, and I talked to him for awhile. I apologized for the pain that Kisa and I had caused him and assured him that I had no idea she was married. At first, he looked mad, but as I talked to him, he sighed and admitted I wasn't the first guy that she'd done this to. Then he surprised me even more by telling me that while Kisa was cheating on him with me, she was also cheating with another man too. From what he could tell, it seemed to make her feel desirable if she could attract younger men."

"And how did you feel about that?" Stefan asks.

"Stupid. Clueless. Like an idiot. It was awhile before I dated anyone again, and I made sure after that to get to know the person and their friends before getting involved. That was probably the last time I was really reckless about falling for anyone."

I pause and glance at Yuuri while I squeeze his hand.

"At least until Yuuri came along and very literally swept me off my feet."

"I suppose that woman must be the reason you gave up on women and instead began to violate nature by dirtying your soul by loving another man," Tolya's mother says suddenly.

Stefan looks shocked and tries to intervene, but I nod to let him know I'm okay with answering her.

"Actually," I explain, "I dated quite a few women after Kisa. I never considered the gender of my partner as important, but then, I was never attracted to a man before Yuuri. I had stopped dating and hadn't been in a relationship for over five years when I met Yuuri, but I knew when we met, that I was definitely attracted to him, and I won't be sorry for it or think of it as, in any way unnatural."

"But the laws of God say it's unnatural and wrong," Tolya's mother insists, "If you only read…"

"I assure you," I tell her, "I have read it and I have sat in church as a child, listening to people say that, but I know, and you should too that it is not factually correct to call homosexual behavior unnatural. For something to be unnatural, you would not expect it to happen in nature, right?"

"But that is just because man is born to sin, and sin must be resisted. You should stop that behavior and confess it."

"Are you aware that homosexual behavior isn't just a human behavior?"

Tolya flinches. He's a college boy. He probably suspects where I am going with this.

"Homosexual behavior occurs frequently in nature, in many different species," I explain, "It's a scientific fact, if you care to explore it. What you've said to me is a lie that you've probably been told all of your life. It's not your fault. Lots of people listen to their priests over listening to their instincts."

"Because our instincts tell us to sin!" Tolya's mother says firmly, "Like Tolya sinned with that boy in his college!"

Tolya's face goes sheet white, and everyone in the room goes silent.

"Mother, please stop."

"It was his human predisposition to sin that made him get that frat boy drunk with him and do what he did. It was evil, tempting him into…"

"I SAID STOP!" Tolya shouts, "It wasn't the devil or anything like that, that made me get Patya drunk and videotape myself taking advantage of him. I was curious and he was attractive and innocent. Instead of just asking him out and getting to know him, I assumed he would reject me, because since I was little, I sat there and listened to you, Dad and that stupid preacher you liked so much that being a homosexual would doom me to hell! And do you want to know something that will make you rethink what you've just said to everyone here? That son of a bitch preacher you liked so much was getting me drunk on sacramental wine and molesting me behind your fucking backs!"

It's then that I think to myself that all of us here in recovery have things that pushed us towards addiction. We all have things we're not proud of, skeletons in our closets, secret shame that stabs at our hearts.

"Stop looking at me like that!" Tolya shouts at all of us, "I don't want your stupid pity! I don't need this and I don't need a goddamned one of you!"

Tolya's mother sits there with a stunned look on her face, and I can see her mind rewriting history the way mine did when I found out that my girlfriend was actually married and lying to me about everything.

"Yelena," Stefan says quietly, "we should go and speak privately."

She doesn't move and she doesn't answer. She looks like a zombie as he takes her arm and helps her to her feet.

"I am sorry," he says to the rest of us, "We will need to end early today."

Yuuri and I are quiet as we leave the conference room and head to the cafeteria for lunch. Masha is there, sitting with Vasily and Calina, and Yuuri and I go to join them.

"Finally," Vasily says, "someone who can give the rest of us a clue about what the hell's going on with Tolya."

"Wow," Yuuri remarks, "word travels fast."

"Well, no one said anything," Calina explains, "but Tolya went blowing through the hallway as we were coming down, and he locked himself in his room. He was in the family and couple's therapy with you, right?"

"Yes, he was, and things got pretty tense."

I know not to say more, and they know not to ask for details. It's the rules that we don't speak of things that are private like that without the permission of the person being talked about.

"Looks like," Vasily agrees, "He looked about ready to explode."

"Well, he probably needs to wind down," I suggest.

"Yeah, probably," Masha agrees, "He's always angry to begin with, but it was off the charts this time."

We eat without much talking after that, then Yuuri and I head back to my room so that he can gather his things to go home. I'm still agitated from the therapy session and knowing that I won't see Yuuri again for a week isn't helping my mood any. When his things are gathered, Yuuri kisses me and holds me quietly for several long minutes before saying anything.

"I feel bad, leaving when things are so tense around here."

"Oh that?" I chuckle, trying to brush it off, "That's how therapy is, Yuuri. We're all pretty screwed up, here. Why should Tolya be any different?"

"I feel bad for him. I mean, I know he's been awful to us, but think about what he went through…"

"I have been. It's horrible. His mother must be beside herself."

"Well, luckily, she has Stefan to comfort her."

"But how must that feel, to see how, after doing her best to raise her son to be a good and strong person, she realizes that things aren't like they seemed on the surface?" I wonder aloud.

"It was a shock," Yuuri agrees, "but maybe this happening will give Tolya and his mom a chance to get things out in the open and deal with them."

"That would be good," I agree, "It seems like Tolya was holding everything in and just trying to look tough and angry on the outside. Inside, he is really messed up."

"Having someone you look up to, someone you love, betray you like that preacher did, has got to be unbearable."

I look around and suddenly notice that Maccachin isn't with us.

"Yuuri…"

I can't say anything. I'm too worried, all of a sudden, so I run out into the hallway and look in both directions. I spot Macca down the hallway, scratching at Tolya's door.

"No, Maccachin," I scold him, "Come."

He shakes himself and lays down at Tolya's door, whimpering.

Yuuri and I walk to the door and find that it's slightly ajar, and as Maccachin stands and pushes against it, the door opens more, and Yuuri and I freeze and stare at the hideous sight of Tolya's body, hanging by his belt from the bedroom's light fixture. Yuuri starts to shake all over and his eyes get round and filled with terror.

"Go and get someone!" I shout, startling him out of his reverie. I jump onto the chair that Tolya seems to have used, and I loosen the belt so that he falls to the floor.

As I get down off the chair, Masha runs into the room and practically knocks me aside as she immediately begins CPR.

"Is he breathing at all?" I ask in a whisper.

"No. You do compressions. Do you know how?"

"Yes," I assure her, "All of us on the national team have that as a requirement."

She gives me a couple of breaths, then lets me do the compressions. We take turns giving him compressions and breaths until Nurse Derdova runs in with Yuuri a step behind. A security guard appears in the doorway and won't let anyone else into the room.

"We've called for an ambulance," the nurse tells us, "I'll take care of him now. The three of you need to go to Doctor Bershov's office. He and the police will want to question you."

"Of course," I answer.

Yuuri, Masha and I go out into the hallway, and as we leave the room, it starts to hit me what just happened. I wasn't shaking before, while everything was happening, but I start to shake now, until it's hard to breathe and I start to feel dizzy. I have to sit down and put my head between my knees, and I can barely hear Masha and Yuuri talking to me. But I hear when Nurse Derdova calls out to see if I am there.

Yuuri helps me to my feet and we go back into the room. I stare in shock as I see she points quickly to something on the floor near Tolya. Yuuri makes a guttural sound like he can't believe his eyes as he takes in the naked picture of me that was taken in the infirmary. I start to reach for it, but Nurse Derdova stops me.

"Did you know about that picture?" she asks.

"I knew about the picture," I answer, "but I don't know how he got it. Someone took it while I was unconscious and used it to threaten me. I had it in my journal, but someone took it."

"Did you tell anyone about the picture or the threat?" she asks in a low, serious voice.

"The writing on the back threatened me with death if I did," I tell her, "Read it for yourself."

"Maybe once I make sure that he doesn't die."

"He's still alive?" Yuuri asks in a trembling voice.

"For now, but I don't know if he'll survive. Go now, and stay in Doctor Bershov's office. Don't stop and don't talk to anyone but him and the police!"