Chapter 11: Masks

Dear Yuuri,

I feel so sick inside with all that has happened. If it was hard before, going through the stress and discomfort of withdrawal, things have gotten even worse now. Ever since Maccachin led us to Tolya's hanging body, I can't get calm inside. As we wait for Doctor Bershov and the police to arrive to question us, I am writing to distract myself, hoping that my pounding heart will slow down, and that the horrible feeling of sickness inside will go away. But it's like I keep seeing it repeatedly…Tolya hanging from the light fixture, looking like a grotesque Halloween decoration. I keep seeing his mother's white face, her blank expression. God, Stefan has her in his office that is just down the hall. The door is closed, so we shouldn't be hearing it so much, but her sobs reach us anyway.

They won't let her go to him, and I understand that they mean it to be for her own good. No one wants to say it, but it doesn't look good for Tolya. And if things go wrong, they don't want her to have her last image of him be like that. Still, this leaves her with the image of her devastated son screaming at her that the preacher they trusted was secretly molesting Tolya. There's no good answer. No matter how it goes, there is so much damage.

I feel so awful, Yuuri. Even with you sitting right beside me, leaning against my shoulder as I write this, I can't get calm. Even writing down what I'm feeling doesn't help. And as the pain in my heart gets stronger, my longing for the numbness that drinking gave me gets more and more powerful. It's not just that my heart is racing, and that sweat has broken out on my skin. It's not just that I feel a strange kind of thirst that requires the burn of alcohol on my throat to quench it. Even though my mind knows that I don't want to drink, my body is convinced that it's the only relief. I ache for the feeling of it sliding down my throat, and the gradual relaxation it brings, the little release of breath and the onset of distance and numbness…when it takes effect and the light, the noise and the loud screaming of emotions in my head all fade out. I can pretend, then, that everything is all right. I can pretend I didn't just find Tolya hanging from a light fixture after trying to kill himself. I can pretend there's not some crazy person wanting to hurt me. I can forget that, as soon as the police leave, you'll be leaving too. I already know I won't sleep tonight. I'll see Tolya every time I try to close my eyes. And I won't have you there. I'll face the thing I'm really most afraid of, Yuuri.

Facing everything alone.

I know we say that we're together in spirit, but I don't just want to be together that way. I want to hold on to you, because I know if my hands are on you and if you're close to me, I can fight off the bad emotions and the feeling of illness. I can calm my own fears and let my heart settle.

God, I just want to go home with you.

Ah…Doctor Bershov is coming.

I really don't like that man, and sometimes? I feel like he doesn't like me either. I know Stefan says that's just the way he is, but I just really can't like him at all. I don't know if that's because of him, or if it's because of me. Hell, it's probably just me.

Love you, Yuuri

Vitya

XXXXXXXXXX

"Thank you for waiting," Doctor Bershov says quietly as he enters the office alongside a male police officer, "Officer Levkin, these are the three who found the patient, Tolya, hanging in his room. The young lady is Masha. The male patient is Victor, and our visitor is Yuuri."

The officer nods briefly and takes out a notepad and pen.

"So, all of you found Tolya?" he asks.

"Yuuri and I found Tolya," I explain, "We were coming back from eating in the cafeteria. My room is just a little down the hall from Tolya's. Yuuri and I went into my room. We were talking about our family therapy that we went to just before eating. It ended early, because Tolya revealed something in the meeting that shocked his mother."

"And what was that?"

I glance at Doctor Bershov and he gives me an encouraging nod.

"It's okay to reveal this to law enforcement for Tolya's own good," he tells me.

"Okay. Tolya's mother had said something to me about…"

I stop for a moment, my mind going back to the last time Yuuri and I were talking to the police.

If I bring up my relationship with Yuuri, will that cause problems for us?

"About what?" the officer prompts me.

"She was confronting me about my choice of partner," I explain, "and when she mentioned the hazing incident that was the reason Tolya agreed to therapy here, Tolya got angry and he…yelled at her and told her…"

I have to stop again, because I don't feel like it's right to reveal this to anyone. Doctor Bershov's eyes narrow as he looks at me, and I can see he knows exactly what is going through my mind.

"Go on, Victor," he says with a bit of tension in his voice.

"He told her that when he was younger, the family's pastor had molested him. Then, he left the meeting."

"Were all three of you in the therapy meeting?" the officer asks.

"I wasn't," Masha says, "I was in an exercise room near the patient rooms, and I saw Tolya stomp past, then I heard his door slam and a click like it was locking."

"Did you go out into the hallway?"

"Yes, just to look."

"Was anyone there?"

"Not that I saw. So, I went on to the cafeteria, where I ate with two other patients, Vasily and Calina. Victor and Yuuri arrived about five or so minutes after I did."

"How much time do you estimate that you spent between the time Tolya passed you and the time you joined your friends?" the officer asked.

I don't know if he means it to sound accusing, but it's pretty clear he's thinking that Masha is a suspect.

"Did anyone see you in the exercise room or between that time and when you joined your friends to eat?"

Masha frowns as she thinks.

"I don't think so. I didn't see anyone around."

"Very well."

He turns his attention back to Yuuri and me.

"Gentlemen, can you give me a timetable for everything that happened from the moment Tolya left the conference room?"

"Stefan stopped the meeting just after he left, because he wanted to take Tolya's mother to a private place to talk to her," I explain, "Yuuri and I stayed for maybe ten minutes talking with some of the other people who were at the meeting."

"Who was in the room with you?"

"Ah, The patients Eda, Raya and their visitors."

"So, you stayed and talked for about ten minutes, then what?"

"We left the conference room and walked to the cafeteria," I answer.

"Were you anywhere near Tolya's room?"

"No."

"Did you see anyone or talk to anyone on your way to the cafeteria?"

"Um, as we were walking, I did see Petya come in from the garden."

"The garden?"

"Yes, it is in the back of the building, behind some of the patient rooms."

"Is Tolya's room one of those that is next to it?"

"Yes," I answer, "Mine is also."

"Are there windows or doors that open from those rooms into the gardens?"

"Yes, windows."

"Okay. Now, you said that you joined Masha, Vasily and Calina in the cafeteria?"

"Yes."

The officer pauses, examining his notes.

"Masha, about how long before Victor and Yuuri arrived in the cafeteria did you arrive?"

"I think maybe four or five minutes," she answers.

When she says it, I suddenly recall something that I did notice when first greeting her.

She seemed a little out of breath. It could just be that she arrived close to the time we did, but four or five minutes should have been enough time for her to catch her breath. Huh…

"When you finished eating, who left in what order?"

"I left about five minutes before the others," Masha answers, "I walked down the hall, past Tolya's room, to mine that's across the hallway."

"The rest of us walked out together," I add, "Vasily and Calina went to his room, which is first on the left in the hallway. Yuuri and I were further down on the right."

"And Masha, did you go straight to your room?"

"Yes," she answers, "I went back to my room, but then, maybe ten minutes later, I heard Victor shouting. He was calling out to Yuuri to go and find someone. I ran across the hall and found Victor climbing down off a chair in the middle of Tolya's room. It looked like he had just let Tolya down from where he was hanging."

"Victor, Yuuri, tell me about what happened from the time you entered Victor's room to the time you found Tolya hanging in his room."

"Yuuri and I walked into the room," I recount, "and Yuuri spent about six or seven minutes getting his things together. He was getting ready to leave. We were getting ready to say our goodbyes, then I realized that my dog, Maccachin wasn't with us. I was worried because he doesn't usually just wander off, so I went into the hallway and I saw him scratching at Tolya's door. It's strange, because he knows that Tolya doesn't like me or him, so I knew something wasn't right. I walked down, because he wouldn't come when I called him. He just whimpered and pushed against Tolya's door. That was when Yuuri and I looked in and saw Tolya hanging from the light fixture."

"And then, what did you do?"

"I shouted for Yuuri to get help, then I climbed up on a chair that was next to Tolya. I wrapped an arm around his body, so his weight wasn't on the belt that was around his neck. Then, I loosened the belt and let him slide to the floor. About that moment, Masha ran into the room, and she had me help her to give him breaths and chest comperessions."

"Were there any signs of life?"

"Not at first, but I think he was breathing when Yuuri returned with Nurse Derdova."

The officer nods and studies his notes briefly, then he continues.

"I want the three of you to think and tell me if there is anyone among you who has had a confrontation with Tolya recently."

"We have all had confrontations with him recently," I sigh, shaking my head, "He disliked Yuuri and me because we…are in a relationship."

"He disliked me, because I took a knife away from him while he was trying to stab Victor with it."

"Tolya attacked Victor with a knife?" the officer asks quickly, "When and why did that happen?"

"The day before yesterday," I tell him, "I was having a meal with Vasily, and Tolya was eating with the patient, Calina. He didn't like that I was looking in their direction for what he thought was too long, so he hassled me about it. He didn't like the answer I gave him, so he swung at me, and I avoided the blow and made him fall. He crashed into some tables, then he got up and grabbed a knife and lunged at me. Masha was sitting at a nearby table, and she saw what was happening. Luckily for me, she tackled him and knocked the knife away."

"Was any action taken by the staff here to intervene?"

"There's security," Masha explains, "but the guard wasn't in the area at the time, and it was over by the time someone could get there. Two staff guys came and took Tolya and me into the offices and questioned us. I was given a warning and Tolya lost some privileges and they noted the incident in his records. If he had continued to cause trouble, he could be thrown out of the program."

"And what about you, Victor?" the officer asked, "Were you questioned or disciplined?"

"No, because Masha witnessed that Tolya was the aggressor and she told that to the orderlies who came in to handle things."

"Can any of you tell me if you've witnesses Tolya having problems with other patients, besides yourselves?"

He pauses to let us think, and after a few moments, I remember something.

"Yuuri and I did see him pushing the patient, Tomas, up against a wall and calling him a perverted freak," I tell the officer.

"Tolya was really angry and Tomas looked scared," Yuuri recalls, "Tolya rushed out of the room and almost knocked me over as he went by. We asked Tomas if he was okay, but he just held his journal against his chest really tightly and he ran by us too."

I get a little shock as Yuuri reveals something I didn't know he'd noticed.

"I saw something sticking out of Tomas's journal," he tells the officer, "It was just the corner of a picture…a drawing."

"What was it a drawing of?" Levkin asks.

"I couldn't see much of it, but it looked like it might be a drawing of a person...or maybe two people, who were either in very short shorts or underwear, or they could have been naked. It was hard to tell."

If they were naked, that could make sense of Tolya calling Tomas a freak, especially if the subjects were both the same gender. Tolya would really not like that.

It doesn't slip past me that if Tomas does draw naked art, especially if it's of same-gendered partners, it could mean that he could be the one stalking me. But just liking to draw naked pictures wouldn't make him a criminal. And at this point, we don't even know that the picture Yuuri saw was of naked people. Still, it leaves me anxious that I have no idea who could be doing this to me. Was it Tolya? He didn't like me, because I'm pansexual, and he's been repressing his own sexual identity, whatever that is, for many years. Could Tomas be the one? Could the pictures he draws be an indication of desires he doesn't dare tell anyone? Is it Petya, who is always watching everyone and keeping mental notes on them? Is it one of the staff members? An orderly? A security guard? A counselor? That would be even more scary.

Officer Levkin finishes his notes, then he looks at me.

"Victor," he says quietly, "before I came to question you, I had a look at the scene of the incident and I spoke to Nurse Derdova."

I start to get a really bad feeling as he takes the picture of me out of his pocket and shows it to us.

"This was found on the floor in Tolya's room. Were you aware of the existence of this picture?"

"Yes."

God, I don't want this. The Russian government already knows my sexual orientation, and I've been warned about not broadcasting my relationship with Yuuri. I know how crimes against people like me are treated.

"Someone has been stalking me. They sent me a poem that said they were the one for me, then they sent that picture and the threat on the back."

"Did you tell the staff about the picture?" he asks.

"No. If you read the back, it threatens me with death if I do. I was trying to get a message to my counselor through Yuuri, but he hadn't been able to see Stefan alone."

The officer frowns.

"See him alone? It seems like you could have just met him in his office at any time."

"I didn't think it was safe," I explain, "If the person doing this is a staff member, then…"

"You think a staff member was involved?" Doctor Bershov interjects suddenly, "Why would you think that? Has there been someone on the staff who made you feel uncomfortable? Has someone done something inappropriate. Why didn't you tell me in our private session? You certainly could have."

He pauses and a flicker of surprise flashes in his eyes.

"You…were worried that I could be doing this?" he asks.

"No!" I insist, "I wasn't thinking of anyone in particular. It's just that I don't know who could have done it! And because I'm locked up here and can't leave, whoever it is could…"

"I think the bigger question," Yuuri interrupts, "is how did the picture end up next to Tolya?"

"I had the picture in my journal," I explain, "but either it fell out or someone took it within the last two days."

"Do you think Tolya found it or took it?" Yuuri asks.

"Or it could have been someone else…" I suggest.

"Let me just save you some time," Masha says, making the rest of us look at her in surprise, "I had the picture."

"What?" I whisper, "Why? How did you…?"

"Tolya did have it," she tells me, "but I don't know if he found it or stole it. I just…"

She stops and considers her words carefully.

"Okay, I found it sticking partway out from under his door today, when I was trying to get him to talk to me about why he was so upset. I picked it up, and he opened the door, and I confronted him about it."

"So…in your statement to me," Levkin said, "you lied about your actions?"

"A little," she confesses, "See, I'm not really a patient here."

Yuuri's and my jaws drop.

"Doctor Bershov knows," she goes on, earning a nod from the psychologist, "Victor's father hired me. I'm a private bodyguard, here to protect Victor while he's in rehab."