Chapter 12: In the Depths

Dear Yuuri,

You know that I've built a career on the ability to surprise people, da? Well…I've decided that there are some damned surprises that I don't like. There are some things that, while they are unexpected, and they'll throw people for a loop, it's a good loop, like a carnival ride, where you feel like you'll go off the rails, but even though you might scream, you know that care has been taken, because it's only a ride, da? It's not meant to hurt anyone. Right now, with Masha standing in front of me, telling me that she's been lying to me from the moment we met, all I can feel is goddamned furious! It's like a carnival ride that took an unexpected turn into the burning pit of hell.

I'm so angry, and I have to admit that I'm hurt, not just that she would lie to me, but that while lying to me, she could pull the literal shit that she did with me. Looking back at the things she has done, I can't imagine Yakov ever thinking that this insane woman should be put in charge of her own safety, let alone mine. I get that she's tough. She took Tolya down, and she did catch me off guard that once and brutalized me a bit…not to injure me, but to warn me there was more to her than met the eye.

Okay, I get why it's important for her to keep this secret from the other patients. But, I'm the one being protected, here. Did Yakov really think that I didn't need to be told she would be here? Did he think I would argue with him? Refuse to go along with this? Do something rebellious to interfere with her doing her job?

Ah…

Well, okay. I guess it's not out in left field. I have given Yakov a lot of shit over the years. I haven't listened to him most of the time, and mostly I haven't been sorry. If I'm willful, it's because I know what I want, and I know what I have to do to get it. So, sometimes my rebelliousness has backfired. Usually, it works out. Still, I suppose that when it comes to my safety, he doesn't want to take the chance that I'll be uncooperative and end up getting myself killed.

To think, though, that even though this is supposed to just be rehab and there wasn't supposed to be any real danger to me, Yakov was watching out for me, the way he has for my whole life. He's really been a good father…even though he wasn't able to come out and say he was my father.

Ugh! I'm still mad at him, though. I'm mad at him and I'm mad at Masha. And I don't think anything either one of them can say is going to convince me that lying to me and having her masquerade as an addict and tease me like she did at first was a good idea.

Nope.

Still, I am grateful that there is going to be someone here who is going to have my back. I know Vasily would watch out for me, but he's in the middle of withdrawal too. I guess I should calm down and not complain.

But…that just wouldn't be me, now would it?

Love you,

Vitya

XXXXXXXXXX

It takes a moment for Masha's words to settle in and make sense. And even when I understand them, I can't believe them at all. I feel my whole body tense, then I unleash a torrent of Russian curses that no lady should ever hear from a gentleman. And when I'm done swearing at her, I switch to English so Yuuri doesn't miss the exact reason why I'm letting her have it with everything in me.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I shout at her, "You call the insane game playing you've been doing with me, protecting me?"

"Victor," Yuuri says anxiously, putting his hand on my arm, "are you okay? Maybe you should take some breaths and sit down. You're…"

"I don't need to take any breaths to know that this woman is not any kind of protector!" I snap at him.

"Sh-she did knock away the knife that Tolya was trying to use on you," Yuuri counters.

"Don't you start trying to defend her!" I yell, "You don't know what she's been doing to me. The literal shit she's been handing me. And when I say shit, I mean actual shit, Yuuri! She assigned me to clean the fucking bathrooms and she rubbed shit all over the walls! She has taunted me and insulted me."

"I was trying to fit in," Masha says, looking a little surprised at just how pissed off I am, "It wouldn't have worked for me to come in and just be your best buddy. It's safer if we aren't too close, you know."

"Not too close?" I spit back at her, "I don't want you close at all. Why don't you just get the hell away from me?"

"Yakov is paying me to protect you."

"I don't need your goddamned protection!" I shout at her.

"Yes," she says calmly, "you do. Have you forgotten that you have someone stalking you?"

"Yakov didn't know that was going to happen, and neither did you," I say accusingly, "He had no reason to send you, and you don't need to be here. I'm trying to get fucking clean from my addiction and I don't need you making fun of me by pretending that you have something wrong with you too! This is not a game, Masha! Addiction isn't something you pretend. Every day here, I am suffering. My head aches, my stomach hurts, my body screams at me to just give in and take a drink. I have adrenaline so bad that I can barely sleep and I sweat buckets, so I have to change my clothes, sometimes more than once in a night! I am doing all of that, so that I can go home to Yuuri! I don't want you hanging around staring at the ugliness I have to go through to do that. It's fucking private and I don't want anyone to see it!"

"Victor," Yuuri says, taking hold of my arm, "stop, okay? I know you're mad at her, but I'm really scared for you. And if you send Masha away, you won't have any protection at all, while this stalker is harassing you."

Yuuri gives me a shocked look as I shake his hand off roughly.

"I don't want you here!" I shout at Masha, "I want you to leave!"

"Victor," Doctor Bershov says in the calm, but stern voice he uses when he's about to get very unpleasant, "you need to stop this outburst. We all understand you are angry about being lied to, but you must realize how unwise it would be to send away someone who is protecting you right now. You need to take a few breaths and calm yourself. This is not good for your body while you are still suffering significantly from withdrawal."

"Fine, I'll calm down," I say off-handedly, "but I want her to go."

"Victor, no!" Yuuri objects.

"Don't worry, Yuuri," Masha says quietly, "It doesn't matter how badly he behaves or how rude he is, Victor is important to Yakov, so I will make sure that he is kept safe, no matter how awful he behaves."

"You want to talk about awful behavior," I complain, "What about the shit you put on the walls and made me clean up?"

"Are you ever going to get over that?" Masha argues, "I told you, I had to fit in. If I fell all over myself being nice to you, then it would be easy for people to figure out I'm not an addict."

"What? Because you think all addicts are insane?" I snap.

"Victor," Doctor Bershov says warningly, "you're getting pale."

Honestly, it doesn't surprise me to hear him say that. I don't feel very good anyway, and all of this coming at me at once is a lot to take. But, as he says that, I start to feel kind of weird, a bit weak. I stop yelling at Masha and lean against Yuuri.

"Is he all right?" Masha asks, "He seemed okay a minute ago, when he was yelling at me."

"The stress is working on his body, exacerbating the symptoms of withdrawal," Bershov explains, "I think it would be good to get Victor to lie down and rest a bit."

He glances at the police officer.

"Have you gathered all of the information you need?" he asks.

"For now," the officer answers, "I'll look everything over and get back to you. I need to check in at the hospital and find out what the doctors have to say about Tolya's condition."

The policeman leaves and Masha gives Doctor Bershov a little nod.

"I guess I'll be off."

"Be careful," Bershov warns her, "We can't be sure who is pursuing Victor, and while that person is roaming free, Victor is not the only one in danger."

"Right. I'll keep that in mind."

Masha leaves and Doctor Bershov turns his attention to Yuuri.

"You should probably say your goodbyes and I will see that Victor goes to rest."

"Doctor Bershov," I say.

God, I hate sounding desperate, but I don't want to be alone right now!

"I wonder if, under the circumstances, you could let Yuuri stay with me for one more night tonight. He is very good at helping me sleep."

"I'm sorry. That is against the rules of the institution," he answers firmly.

At least he didn't keep me waiting.

I really hate that man!

"I understand that you are under stress because of what you and Yuuri witnessed."

"Don't you think that since we went through it together, we could comfort each other?" I ask, "I'm not asking for special treatment. I'm just asking you to consider what is best for me. That's why I'm here, isn't it? You are supposed to help me through the withdrawal and help me learn strategies to stay sober. You and Stefan constantly tell all of us here that we should use our connections to get support we need. I need Yuuri's support right now."

"I think what he's asking is pretty reasonable," Yuuri adds, "Victor's really not doing very well. If I leave him right now, I'm not going to be able to sleep and neither will he. Maybe you could consider…"

"My deepest apologies, Yuuri," Bershov says in what sounds like a sincere tone, "but if Victor is to reach the point where he is able to remain sober, there are certain steps he needs to take to get there. I think you both need to step back and let each other be strong. Don't you worry, I will make sure that Victor sleeps comfortably tonight. Because of the situation with Tolya and the pressure it is putting on Victor, I think it's good for him to have a sedative to help him sleep."

"I don't want a sedative!" I exclaim, being careful not to shout at him, both because Bershov really hates us doing that, and because my head is starting to ache very badly, "If I just have some more time with Yuuri, I won't need one. I'll be okay. I just…"

"I think I made the policy on that clear," Bershov says, not unkindly, "I will give you a moment."

He turns his attention back to Yuuri, who is still looking spooked.

"I will give Victor the sedative as soon as he and I have had a chance to talk a bit. I promise you that he will sleep well tonight. Now, if you will say your farewells."

Given no choice, I put my arms around Yuuri and kiss him tenderly.

"I'll see you next weekend," I remind him, trying to smile encouragingly, "It will be fine. I will be okay, I promise."

"No trying to undermine Masha, okay?" he scolds me gently, "I know you're still mad at her, but, Victor, you need her looking out for you."

"All right," I tell him, "I won't cause her any trouble."

"Yeah, right," he sighs, tearing up, "I know you…"

"I'll be good," I promise, giving him one of my charming winks, "I love you, Yuuri."

"Love you too."

I feel like the energy just drains out of my body a little more with every step he takes away from me. I manage to hang on to my smile until the door closes behind him, then I'm the one who's tearing up.

"Victor?"

"Doctor Bershov, I feel very sick. Could we please not do this now?" I ask, putting a hand on my forehead, "It hurts my head when I try to talk."

"I understand you're uncomfortable," he says soothingly, "Why don't you sit down for a moment, and I'll bring you some tea?"

"I don't want tea. I just want to go and rest."

"You will," he says, looking into my eyes, "but first, we need to talk just a little. I have to say, I haven't seen you this emotive before, Victor. I know it's uncomfortable for you, but it also gives us a chance to make a step forward with your treatment."

I tune out a little as he talks, and I'm not sure how, but I end up drinking the tea he brings, then I lie down on the sofa. I barely understand the questions he's asking. He tells me it's okay, that the shock of what happened is just catching up with me. I'm just so tired, I answer the best I can, then close my eyes to try to sleep. At some point, I feel someone is helping me get up. At first, I think it's Doctor Bershov, but then I see it's Nurse Ivken. He smiles and talks to me as he helps me back to my room, but my mind is so muddled, I just hang on to him as he helps me into bed.

There's this really strange moment where I look up at him, and his face distorts. It looks like Ivken, then like Bershov, then like some hideous monster.

"Goodnight, Victor," Ivken says, heading for the door, "I'll lock the door on the way out."

I look at the clock, but my vision is screwed up, so I just see a blur.

Did I hear a click when he walked out?

I look around for Maccachin, but he doesn't seem to be in the room. Worried, I get up, onto shaky legs and I look around. I hear a whimper, and I see that the bathroom door is closed. I take a step towards the door, and I hear Macca start to bark.

"Shh," I warn him, "Be quiet, Macca. You'll get us is t-trouble."

I take another step, but the room seems to rock, and a moment later, I'm lying on my belly, on the floor. I can see Maccachin's paws through the opening at the bottom of the bathroom door. He's scratching and barking more urgently.

"Ugh!"

I try crawling, but it seems like it takes forever to move just a little. Macca whimpers, scratches and barks again.

"Macca, s-stop!"

I try to crawl some more, but I feel too fatigued. I just close my eyes for a moment, then everything just kind of fades out.

When I wake up next, I panic for a moment, thinking that Macca has been locked in the bathroom all night. But when I open my eyes, I see I'm hugging him against me after all.

That's so strange.

I sit up and I feel perfectly normal. I look around and find a note from Doctor Bershov on my nightstand.

Victor,

I feel like we made good progress last night. It was good to see you able to open up and get your emotions out. I know you were tired, but the progress you made was well worth the effort. I hope that the sedative helped you sleep. If you feel poorly today, I've instructed Nurse Derdova to give you another sedative to keep you calm. Rest well, and I will see you soon.

Dr. Bershov

I end up feeling really stupid, because I don't recall a thing that we talked about. But if it makes him happy and it gets him off my back for awhile, I can live with that. I find another message from Stefan, telling me I'm excused from activities today, and that he'll be by later.

"No meetings," I say, smiling at Maccachin, who nuzzles me and licks my face, "Want to go for a walk?"

We take the path that Yuuri and I walked when he was visiting, and I try not to feel lonely, walking there without him. The air is really cold, but I'm kind of glad, because it wakes me up all of the way. I'm feeling much better as we reach the pond that's at the end. I stand at the edge of the water, breathing in the cold air and remembering what it was like to be here with Yuuri beside me. I close my eyes and I can almost feel him there with me…until I hear Masha's voice intrude.

"Victor?"

"Get away from me, please?" I sigh, "I just want to be alone, okay?"

"Fine," she says calmly, "I really just came to say that I…"

It takes a very long moment for me to realize…she stopped speaking because there is a body at the bottom of the pond.