Chapter 13: If I Was Ever Without You Again

Dear Yuuri,

I don't know if I should ever show you this entry, because you're pretty sensitive, and I know you can't stand seeing me in pain. But it's important for you to know just how much you've changed, not just my life, but how you have changed me. Before meeting you, I lived at the surface of things, always distracting myself away from deeper issues, deeper thoughts, deeper feelings. I couldn't handle more than that, so when my sometime father, Modya, almost killed me, I forgot my childhood and buried myself in my skating. When relationships got hard, I focused harder on skating and just let them go. When I couldn't take the loneliness and stress, I drank. I always, always escaped from the deeper, scarier things instead of dealing with them. The truth is, I was never strong. People around me thought that I was. I even thought I was being strong by letting go of the heavy things.

I wasn't.

I was just running away.

Today, I stood on the bank of a partially frozen pond. I looked down into the water, that was so oddly clear, and I saw something that made my heart stop. And while I was staring into the water for one bitter, frozen moment, I knew I wasn't strong at all…and that if my eyes were seeing you for the last time, my own life would be over too. The truth isn't just that I'm weak for you. The truth is that I am weak.

And I would be lost without you.

Love you,

Vitya

XXXXXXXXXX

I remember from the few times in my life that were the most frightening, that in very dangerous moments, time slows down. Like when I was on that plane that landed roughly on a Japanese airstrip and broke apart. Yes, time slows down when something bad begins to happen. And when it does, the agony of those moments is extreme. I understand that it's in those moments that some people find their strength. I do learn on the edge of that half frozen pond at the recovery center that I love you with a ferocity that borders on madness.

And when I recognize the blue scarf I see billowing in the dark water, I lose track of everything except trying to get to you.

I scream your name, and I swear that it takes all of the breath out of my body, and it takes every last bit of strength in my limbs. My mind flashes back to the moment I first saw that scarf, wrapped around the slender throat of a department store mannequin as we walked back to our hotel after the Grand Prix Finals. You saw it first, and your feet stopped. I followed the path of your eyes and found myself captivated too.

"Wow! Victor, that scarf, it's so beautiful! I've never seen one like it. Geez, I'll bet it costs a fortune."

"Come on. Let's try it on you."

"Victor, it probably costs too much!"

"Of course it does, but it would look great on you. Come on. Let's just try it on and look at it on you."

"But…"

"Come on, Yuuri!"

Of course, it looked perfect on you.

We stood, staring into the mirror, with it wrapped around your throat and shoulders, and the end of it curled around my shoulders, almost like it was drawing me in and holding me against you.

"It's so soft. I don't think I've ever felt anything so soft like this."

"I was right that it would look beautiful on you. You take my breath away, Yuuri!"

"Stop it. You'd say that whether I was wearing this or not!"

I recall how I leaned over and the very soft fabric tickled my face as I whispered into your ear.

"Let's go back to our room, Yuuri. I want to see you wrapped in this…wrapped only in this and nothing else!"

"Victor, don't say things like that! Soneone might hear you."

"I don't care. Let them hear me. My Yuuri is coming to live with me in Saint Petersburg, and we're going to live happily ever after. Who could keep a wonderful, beautiful thing like that secret, solnyshko?"

"I didn't say you had to keep it a secret. I just said that you shouldn't say it me like that, right here. It's embarrassing!"

"What's embarrassing? You're embarrassed if I say to the world how much I love you?"

If you were embarrassed when I whispered it in your ear, then you must have been mortified as I proceeded to tell everyone around us that you are the love of my life and we were moving to Saint Petersburg to live together.

"Put it on my card."

"Victor, I can't let you do that. This is way too expensive. I'd be afraid to wear it. I might leave it somewhere or…Victor!"

"Shh, if you don't stop fussing, I will tell all of these people exactly what we are doing with this when we get back to the hotel!"

"No, please don't!"

I did get to see you, naked and with that so soft, blue fabric wrapped around you. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen in my life, and when I saw you that way, I fell in love with you so hard, all over again. And I knew then, that I was so lucky. I was grateful for the evil little triplets who uploaded that video of you performing my free skate. I never realized how sometimes the most important things that happen to change your life, happen suddenly, and in the strangest ways.

I get scared sometimes, and my heart shudders when I wonder what would have happened if those cute, wicked little girls hadn't shot that video, if they hadn't uploaded it to the Internet, if Georgi hadn't messaged me to tell me to watch it. So many little, seemingly insignificant things lined up to put you in my path, and I realize as I'm looking at the lovely blue scarf, billowing in the water around an unmoving body in the depths of the recovery center's pond…that…I…can't…live…without…you.

I feel my feet start to move and I have only one thought as I move forward, preparing to throw myself into that icy water.

It's so cold and he can't breathe down there!

I hear the water splash around my feet, but I don't feel the cold of it. I don't feel anything at all except that I have to get to you now. I take another splashing step, but as I start to throw myself into the water, something hits me really hard in the stomach and it makes me scream again and crash down onto my knees in the shallow water. I try to breathe, but the wind is knocked out of me. As I struggle to catch my breath, Masha's angry voice hisses in my ear.

"It could be a trap. You stay here and don't move!"

"Y-you bitch! Y-you h-hit me!" I pant, choking on the words.

But she's not listening. She's doing what a good bodyguard does, putting herself in harm's way to protect me. Her body hits that icy water and plunges down, beneath the surface. While she's kicking her legs and forcing her body down, further and further beneath the surface, I crawl backwards on my hands and knees, because even if she hadn't knocked the wind out of me, I've never been scared so badly in all of my life. I think my heart is going to burst out of my chest and hot tears slide down my face as Masha stops beside the body and looks all around it, first.

"G-get him out!" I pant, still gasping for breaths.

She seems to make a decision, and wraps a hand around the slim wrist. But, I notice something odd. The body seems too stiff. I mean, it's cold down there, and we don't know how long the person had been…

My thoughts all disappear as Masha's body breaks the surface of the pond and she struggles to drag the body along with her to the edge. I crawl forward and help her drag it a little, then I realize that the body isn't real.

"It's…n-not real," Masha pants, "J-just a mannequin."

I pick up a length of the scarf, and I realize that it isn't the soft, perfect one that I'd thought it was. It's similar, though, so it seems that someone wanted me to see this. Someone wanted to scare ten years off of my life and make me think for one dreadful moment, that I'd lost my Yuuri forever. Some horrible monster…

I hear Masha coughing, and I can see her skin looks blue, and that she's shivering and can barely move. I pull her out of the water, and she doesn't have the strength left to object. She just leans against me, panting and shaking all over while I pull off her wet clothing and wrap my coat around her.

"Y-you'll f-f-freeze!" she manages through chattering teeth.

"Shut up," I chide her, holding her against me to warm her up, "You're the one who's freezing, not me."

I hear Maccachin barking, and I realize that when we started to react, he must have gone for help. Two orderlies follow him, and when they see Masha and me huddled at the edge of the pond, and the mannequin in the shallows, they skid to a stop and stare for a moment, then they move to us quickly and help us back inside, where security is notified and sent to investigate the scene. Masha is rushed off to the infirmary, but the orderly assisting me just escorts me to my room and tells me to warm up while he stands guard. I start to do what he says, but I'm so worried now about Masha and about Yuuri.

After all, just because it was a fake in the water, doesn't mean that whoever this is didn't do something to Yuuri. I need to know if he's all right.

"I need to see Stefan, please," I tell the orderly.

"You need to warm up so that you don't get sick. You're freezing from being out there without your coat."

"You don't need to worry about me!" I snap, "I just took my coat off to warm Masha. I'm fine! I just need to see Stefan."

"Warm up, first," the orderly insists, "You're not going anywhere until you do that."

"Goddamn it! Get out of my way!" I shout at him.

I manage to slip past him as he tries to stop me, and in a second, I'm in the hallway and hurrying down the hall with the orderly shouting at me and hurrying after. Petya peeks out into the hallway as we run by, and I feel his eyes watching closely while we pass. I manage to get to the offices, and I call out for Stefan as the orderly's big hand wraps around my wrist.

"Let go of me! Don't put your hands on me!" I scream at him, "Someone just threatened Yuuri, and I need to make sure he's all right. Let me go!"

Someone steps out from one of the offices.

"Stefan!" I call out as the orderly gets an arm around my waist and holds me against him.

But it's not Stefan. It's Doctor Bershov, and he doesn't look happy at all to see me fighting with the orderly and starting to swear at him.

"What happened? Why is he like this?" Bershov demands.

"I'm not sure," the orderly manages to get out as I twist my body, trying to free myself.

"It was a threat against Yuuri!" I exclaim, "I have to know if he got home okay. You have to let me call him!"

"Victor," Bershov says sternly, "you need to calm down. I need to hear what happened before I take any action. Can you calm down, or do I have to sedate you?"

"J-just let me call Yuuri!" I shout at them, "I have to know if he is all right! Th-they put a scarf like his on a mannequin and sank it in the pond. W-we thought it was…"

"What?" Bershov asks, frowning as he tries to understand my desperate ramblings.

"Tell him to let me go!" I yell, still struggling.

Bershov moves closer, and a moment later, I feel something sting my arm.

"Y-you bastard!" I hiss at him.

"Hold him for a minute, while it takes effect," Bershov says calmly.

How can he be like that…so damned calm when…

It's only a few moments when I start to feel weak and my body loses it's fight. Bershov moves in even closer as the medication takes over and I'm so dizzy that the orderly is the only thing keeping me on my feet.

"Bring him into my office."

I can't feel a thing anymore, but the cruel part is that, even though I feel so dizzy and I can't fight them anymore, I am still tormented with needing to know Yuuri's okay.

"Do you know what exactly happened?" Bershov asks the orderly, "He said something about a scarf and a mannequin?"

"I'm not sure," the orderly answers, his voice distorting as it sounds in my ears, "We found Masha and him by the pond. The girl had been in the water…"

"In the water? But it's freezing out there!" Bershov's garbled voice exclaims.

"I think that they thought it was a real person. The water's kind of dark there, so it would've been hard to tell it was a fake. The girl jumped in to pull out what they thought was a person."

"How dreadful. Why don't you go and check on Masha now. I'll take care of Victor."

"Y-yuu-ri!" I croak, and it takes all of my energy just to get that out.

I try to sit up, but my body is too heavy and I keep falling back as Bershov watches with an expression that actually looks sympathetic.

"So," he says softly, "you seem to have thought that the thing in the water was Yuuri Katsuki? How very upsetting that must have been. Well, give me a moment, and I will make sure he got home safely. Lie still."

He walks out for a minute, then comes back with Nurse Ivken.

"Will you wait here for a moment, while I go and talk to Stefan?"

He leaves the room, and Nurse Ivken comes and sits down next to the couch. He gives me a sympathetic look and squeezes my hand.

"Are you troubling Doctor Bershov again?" he asks.

My ears ring so loudly and his voice is so garbled I can barely understand, and I can't really answer.

"It's okay. I'd be worried too, finding that thing in the pond and thinking it was real."

My mind takes a weird turn and for a moment, I see the pond again, and that body wearing the blue scarf. In my head, it's Yuuri. This time, there's no one there with me, just that body in the water that was once my whole life.

"Victor, try to take it easy. Stop fighting the sedative."

"Y-yuuri!"

"He's fine. I'm sure he's fine. Calm down, now. Your heart is really racing, and it shouldn't be."

"I j-just need to hear his voice, please!"

Doctor Bershov returns and sits down next to me too.

"Stefan just spoke to Yuuri," he tells me, "Yuuri is fine. He is at home, and we warned him to take precautions. He told Stefan there are two bodyguards with him."

"Maret? Sava?"

"Yes, he is fine, and he is safe. Try to calm yourself, now. It's not good for you to fight the medication so hard like this."

I try to take his words to heart, but when I close my eyes, I keep seeing that thing in the water. And in my nightmares, it has wide open brown eyes. I try to scream, but I can't make a sound. It's terrifying, and because I'm drugged, I can't wake up. It seems to go on forever until I've exhausted myself, and I finally fall into a dreamless sleep.

I can't tell if it's real or if it's just my drugged and paranoid mind when I hear a male voice so garbled I can't recognize it.

"Do you understand now? I can kill him. Don't forget that. You think about that awhile. Let it work on you. Let it drive you insane. It's okay. Even when you're insane, I'll be here for you, Victor. I'll be right here."