Chapter 15: Shape in the Mist

(AN**Apologies for any mistakes in my use of Russian language. I blame Google Translate. lol)

Dear Yuuri,

I've been doing some thinking about Doctor Bershov, and I wonder now if I have misjudged him. I'm still not ready to say I like the man, but I have begun to see him differently than I did before. I still think he is pushy, but I suppose when you work with broken people like the lot of us here, you have to be a little pushy. Sometimes, as a person with an addiction, I don't want to see how my mistrust and my reluctance to open up are hampering my progress here. I still don't look forward to our sessions. I always feel strange while we talk, and sometimes I lose track of things and end up back in my room afterward, without remembering walking back there. He says that it's because of the hypnosis that I agreed to try. I am so confused, because I don't actually recall giving my permission. I saw my writing on the form, though, so…well, you know how forgetful I can be.

Doctor Bershov asked me to write another word poem, this time to describe my feelings about the stalker they have caught.

Stalker

Silent and stealthy

Tracing the lines of my body while I don't see.

Abstract touches on my skin

Love twisted into perversion

Kisses stolen on paper

Eros corrupted

Run from reality, even when you kill.

…again, it's not great poetry, but I kind of like it.

Take care, Yuuri.

Love,

Vitya

XXXXXXXXXX

As I go to see Masha, I can't escape the nagging feeling that I know the man who was in the picture in Bershov's office. His face hangs in my mind, and I have the strangest echo of Bershov's voice in my mind. But his words are so weird! It's like he's talking to me instead of that man. I just can't make sense of it, so I put it out of my head as much as I can as I reach the infirmary and find Masha sitting up in bed, her eyes and nose looking puffy and flushed. I give her a bright smile.

"Well, how is my favorite shit spreader?" I ask cheerfully.

She glares at me and blows her nose loudly.

"I have goddamned pneumonia because I jumped into icy water to retrieve a stupid statue, so that my idiot protected one wouldn't," she grumbles, "Do you know just how dumb you are?"

I give her a little shrug and don't even lose my smile.

"If I'm so dumb, then why are you the one lying in here, coughing and sneezing so much?" I tease her.

"Get the hell out of my room!" she snaps irritably, "You promised to do my work while I'm here, remember?"

"I do," I assure her, "And you know, with Vasily and Calina helping out, it was done in a flash."

"So, you didn't really help much at all," she complains.

"Why is that a problem?" I ask, tilting my head and looking amused.

"Well, if you're going to pretend you're helping me or something, you should really be doing the work."

"Come on, now, don't be in a bad mood. I came all of the way to see you and say thank you."

"Thanks for what?" she sighs, "I didn't really do anything. I didn't rescue anyone, and the only one I protected you from, was your own bad judgment. If I hadn't jumped in the water, you would have, and you probably would have died of the pneumonia."

"Maybe," I chuckle, "But you know, you really don't need to worry so much about me anymore."

She gives me a look that is part mad and part confused.

"What are you babbling about?" she asks, scowling.

"Oh, you didn't hear that they caught the person stalking me?" I ask her.

"No," she says, blowing her nose loudly again and sitting up taller in the bed, "They caught someone? Who did they catch?"

"You don't know!" I say excitedly, "It was Tomas!"

"What?" she says, screwing up her face and shaking her head, "Tomas? How do they figure?"

"Well, you know that Yuuri caught sight of a bit of one of the nasty pictures he was drawing."

"I already knew he drew nudie pictures," she admits, "but that doesn't make him a stalker. They must have found something that made them think it had to be him. What did they find?"

My eyes get wide as I tell her.

"He had a drawn copy of the picture the stalker gave me, and he had a drawn picture of Yuuri and me in bed together, among other things."

"Like I said, I already knew he was a pervert," Masha repeats, "but just because the man draws nasty pictures, it doesn't make him your stalker."

"What are you talking about?" I complain, "If he's hanging around my window to draw the picture of Yuuri and me fucking, and he has a drawn picture of the one the stalker took…"

"It just means that he is a pervert!" Masha snaps again, "Victor, did you look up close at the drawn pictures?"

"What?"

"Did you look at them closely?" she asks me, "The finer details, like, are the details of your bedroom there, or is he just imagining your bedroom?"

I blink in surprise at that. And thinking back, I'm not sure.

"And just because he copied the picture of you, naked and tied up, doesn't mean he took it. The truth is, I was aware that he had the picture, and I knew that Tolya learned he had it. What neither of us was able to learn was where he got it. Victor, the picture was a selfie, probably taken on a cell phone. None of us are allowed to have our cell phones, and even our guests don't bring cell phones in here. Assuming it is a cell phone that the picture was taken on, then that means that the stalker is one of the staff, or is at least someone cooperating with a staff member. Although, it could be a patient who has finagled their way into sensitive areas, where our phones are being kept."

She stops and looks more closely at my face.

"Victor, what is wrong with you?" she asks urgently, "Are you listening to me at all? I'm telling you not to let your guard down!"

"Oh, stop being so worried," I laugh, "It's going to be fine now. Tomas may have gotten away, but…"

"Gotten away? Are you sure?"

I shrug.

"That's what Nurse Ivken reported," I explain, "They went looking for Tomas, but I overheard on my way here that they weren't able to find him. They assume he left the rehab center. It's not a jail, after all."

"Stupid!" she snaps accusingly, "Victor, you need to listen to me, and you need to be careful. Obviously, there is someone who wants all of us to believe that Tomas is the stalker. First, they made it look like it could be Tolya, and now they are aiming at Tomas!"

"You make it sound like a very complicated scheme."

"That is what it is, you idiot!" she shouts at me, "Don't you understand anything?"

"Why are you getting so upset?" I ask.

Oddly, for just a moment, I recall being in Bershov's office and struggling against something holding me down. I remember hearing Bershov's soothing voice speaking to me.

"Pochemu ty tak rasstroyen, Oska?" (Why are you so upset, Oska?)

I feel a hard shiver, and it's like I hear my own voice in my head, answering him.

"Pozhaluysta, eto nichego!" (Please, it's nothing.)

I don't remember it happening in any of our sessions.

Oska?

Is that the name of that man I saw in the picture and in Tomas's drawing?

"Victor, are you hearing me at all?" she yells at me.

The effort makes her start coughing uncontrollably.

"Am I hearing you?" I repeat, patting her back gently and offering her a glass of water, "Of course I'm hearing you. Stop yelling like that before you kill yourself, Masha."

"You're the one who's killing me," she complains, shivering, "I need to get out of here and back to work before you stupidly walk into this stalker's trap!"

"Stop it," I tell her, pulling on her covers to straighten them and fluffing her pillow, "I am fine, and I promise I will not stupidly walk into any traps while you are here. Everything will be okay. Even though you are here, I still have Vasily and Calina watching out for me. And I have Maccachin."

"There is that," she sighs, "Just don't trust anyone, not even yourself. Do you hear me? In fact, especially don't trust yourself."

"That's not nice."

"Who is saying I am nice," she counters, "Get out of here, Victor. Don't you have a group to go to?"

"Later," I answer, glancing at the clock in the room, "Right now, I have to go back to my room. Yuuri is going to call."

I leave the infirmary to walk back to my room. As I near it, I run into Vasily in the hallway.

"Vitya!"

I smile at how he's starting to call me that. It's more like old times, when we were younger and worked together on my skating program.

"Hello, Vasily. What's up?"

I notice he has a little picture in his hand.

"What is that?"

"Oh," he says, grinning proudly, "it's my girl. Her birthday is this weekend, so she's coming to see me. You and Yuuri will have to meet her when she comes."

"I'll look forward to that," I chuckle, admiring his daughter's bright smile and brilliant green eyes, "She's a beautiful girl."

"She's precious," he gushes, "She's my reason for doing this. I have to get home to her."

"You will," I assure him, "You're doing well."

"I was doing well last time," he says, frowning and looking more intently at his daughter's smiling face, "This time…it must be the last time I am in this mess. I don't want to lose her, Vitya!"

"You won't lose her," I promise him, patting him on the cheek, "You and I are both going to beat our addictions and we are going home to our loved ones."

"You're right. It helps that we're supporting each other while we're here…and I hope you know that I'll continue to support you when we're back out there. I'm not going to forget our friendship, Vitya."

"I won't forget it either."

I head back to my room, where I play a bit with Maccachin until the phone rings and I answer it to talk to Yuuri.

"Hello, Yuuri," I greet him happily, "it's good to hear your voice."

"It's good to hear yours too," he tells me, "Victor, I heard from Stefan that Tomas was caught with obscene pictures he drew of us and other male patients."

"That's right, he was. Unfortunately, he escaped. But, I'm sure that he's left and gone far from here."

"Are you sure?" Yuuri asks, "If he was so obsessed like that…"

"He liked to draw naked pictures," I say dismissively, "and while he did threaten me, he never hurt anyone…unless he had something to do with Tolya being attacked. They're still investigating that."

"Aren't you worried about being there, Victor? Maybe you should consider going to another facility. I'm sure it could be arranged. Stefan says…"

"I'm not leaving here," I say firmly, "I don't think there's any further danger, and I'm making good progress."

"But you told me that you don't trust Doctor Bershov."

"Eh, you know, I'm giving him more of a chance. He still grates on me a little, but I think the therapy is helping. I've gotten through most of the withdrawal now, and I'm learning a lot in my group meetings. Yuuri, I think things are going well. I don't want to have to start over somewhere new. Besides, the other facility I could go to is farther for you to have to travel to. This is much more convenient. We already talked about that."

"Oh…okay, if you are sure," he says uncertainly.

"Of course I am."

"But you seemed to unsettled when we were last together."

"A lot was going on then. Things are fine now. Are you still coming this weekend?"

"Yes, of course I am."

"Good. It's Vasily's daughter's birthday, so she'll be here. We'll get to meet her."

"Oh, that's good."

"Yuuri, you know, I've been thinking."

"About what?" he asks.

"About…you know…children."

Yuuri laughs nervously.

"Well, you know we can't have kids, Victor. And in Russia, gay couples can't adopt. Besides, we haven't even gotten married yet."

"But I've really been wondering, Yuuri. If it was somehow possible, would you like to raise a child together with me?"

He gets quiet, like he's really considering, and I know it's best to let him think.

"You don't have to answer right now," I assure him, "We have plenty of time to think about it."

"How would you want to do it?" he asks, "Would we go to a country where we can adopt or…?"

"We could do that, although we might have to wait a long time because of citizenship issues. It might be better to find a surrogate or maybe more than one, who would be willing to carry your child or mine. Maybe someone we know would do it. But, like I said, we still need to get married and work out all of the details. I just…wanted you to know it's been on my mind."

"I've thought about it a little too," he confesses, "I'll think more about it and we can talk about it when I come this weekend, okay?"

"Okay, Yuuri."

We move on to other topics, then…He tells me how Yakov yells at him so much during their practice sessions and how he looks forward to me coming back and coaching him. I tell him how glad I'll be when I can go out to restaurants and shop for my own food. We talk for a long time, then say our goodbyes, and I head out with Maccachin for an afternoon walk. I only intend to stay close to the buildings, but something…I don't know what…draws me out further. I walk the trail that leads to the still icy pond where poor Masha jumped in to rescue that silly statue.

I don't know why I feel spooked as I approach. There's nothing to fear, now that Tomas has been exposed as the stalker. Maccachin slows and whimpers as we approach a little rise above the far edge of the pond, and I see what looks like a piece of paper placed under a rock. I frown and move forward to pick it up. I recognize Tomas's writing from having seen it on the pages of those drawings.

To everyone, I'm sorry. I know that what I did was wrong. Drawing those pictures was wrong minded, and threatening Victor was a terrible thing to do. I feel horrible, and this is the only way to make things right. I don't have the right to live with all of you, and I can't stand the thought of going to jail. Please accept my apologies.

Tomas

I shouldn't look into the water, but I do. And I see how he weighted his body and jumped from the little rise. It's strange. I don't feel panicked. I feel really numb inside. The breaths I take are stabbing and Maccachin whines and licks my hand.

"Victor?" Doctor Bershov's voice calls out from behind me.

It's so weird. For a second, I hear him ask again…

"Pochemu ty tak rasstroyen, Oska?"

I turn with the note in my hand and I can't say a thing. He moves closer, taking the note and reading it, then he touches my arm, and looks into my shocked eyes.

"I'll take care of this," he tells me, "I'm so sorry that you had to see it. I knew that he was troubled, and I would have tried to help him, if he hadn't run away. It's…such a tragic thing."

I continue to stare at him, almost blindly, and I feel so strange, like when I've been drinking a lot and reality seems to shift strangely.

"Go back to your room, Victor. I will take care of this."

Somehow, Maccachin and I turn back. I don't remember walking there or much of anything else. I just lay down on the bed and hug Maccachin until I fall asleep. In the morning, everyone is talking about Tomas's suicide. They're careful not to ask me anything, and Vasily and Calina stay with me most of the day, trying to distract me.

Masha is released from the infirmary later in the afternoon, and she comes to my room.

"I heard you found Tomas," she says inquiringly, "Do you want to talk about that?"

"Not really," I sigh, "He confessed in a note and he drowned himself. What more is there to say?"

She gives me a measured look, and I'm almost sure she wants to tell me that she still doesn't believe Tomas was the one stalking me. But oddly, she stops talking and moves closer to me, putting her arm around me in a protective gesture.

"Well, stalker or no stalker, I hope you feel safe now."

"How could I not feel safe?" I ask, giving her a little smile that is all that I can manage right now, "You're here, da? What could happen?"