Chapter 17: The Person Who I Am

Dear Yuuri,

I feel so much better with you here. To be able to hold you, to be able to look into your eyes, to kiss you, even just to talk to you…it's a heaven for me. I'm tired inside, Yuuri. I still have so much time I have to be away from you. When this is over and I come home, we are getting married. And I know now that I want to find a way for us to have children. I want everything in life with you.

I'm only sad that we have to wait.

Love,

Victor

XXXXXXXXXX

It's hard to fall asleep with Yuuri in my bed at the recovery center. It's not anyone's fault, it's just that I know it won't feel like anywhere near long enough before he has to leave me again. I do have Maccachin, and Vasily, Calina and Masha are good friends…although Masha can be abrasive sometimes. She's become something like a sibling…loyal, protective and often annoying. She adores Yuuri, though, and she's always nice to him.

I lie in bed with Yuuri, late at night. I should have dropped off hours ago, but it's not as cold outside, so I hear rain falling. It's wonderful, lying there, listening to that soothing sound and having my senses full of Yuuri. He's been asleep for awhile when I finally get sleepy enough to begin to drift off.

I don't know how much time passes. It's still dark and the rain is still pouring down outside, when I feel myself come awake suddenly, shaking all over, and my heart pounding like it's about to leap out of my chest. I know right away what it is. I've had a few panic attacks since giving up drinking. They feel absolutely horrible and they are frightening, but at least Doctor Bershov has coached me on how to endure them. Yuuri wakes up when he feels me shaking, and I feel better with him right there. He's had them too, so he just holds me against him, and he talks in a quiet voice, getting me to focus on things that will ground me and help calm my mind, even if my body is going a little haywire.

"Sorry," I whisper, resting against his shoulder, "I didn't mean to wake you."

"What are you apologizing for?" he asks, ruffling my hair and feeding me gentle kisses as my breathing and heart rate slow, and I begin to get sleepy again, "How many times have you held me while I was in a panic."

"You're better at this than I am," I answer, nuzzling under his chin.

"No way. You're really good at it, now that we know each other so well."

He's quiet for a little while, just petting my hair and letting his hands caress me in a soothing way.

"Victor, can I ask you something?" he says finally.

I peek out from under his chin and meet his eyes. He looks worried.

"What is it? Is something wrong?"

"Hmm, I don't know," he confesses, "I know that Stefan said we should expect some changes, and that you might have some things like panic attacks and sleep disturbances, but something kind of…kind of scary happened, and I don't know if it's just that, or if it's something else."

I give him a confused look.

"What are we talking about, Yuuri?" I ask him.

He pauses and thinks carefully.

"Well," he continues a few minutes later, "I woke up while you were sleeping, and…I heard you speaking Russian in your sleep."

"I was talking in my sleep?"

I wasn't expecting to hear that, although it sounds like something that might just be happening because of the stress I'm under.

"Yeah. I didn't understand everything, but because I'm learning Russian, I did understand some of it."

"And what was I saying?"

"You were apologizing to someone," he explains, "but it was strange. You were shaking and it almost sounded like you were crying. I tried to wake you up and…"

God, my heart is pounding again. I feel like I'm going into another panic, but it's not that, I just feel like something is very wrong now.

"What happened, Yuuri. Please, tell me. I can tell that, whatever it is, it's bothering you a lot."

He's so tense.

He was really disturbed by whatever happened.

"Yuuri, what's wrong?" I ask more urgently, "What happened when you tried to wake me?"

"Ah, I touched your face and you opened your eyes."

He shudders.

"Yuuri…"

"It was kind of scary," he admits, quivering as he remembers, "Victor, it was like you didn't know me at all. You looked back at me like I was a total stranger to you."

That is terrifying.

But, at the same time, if I'm having sleep disturbances, it could just have been related to that, right?

"That must have frightened you," I sympathize, "I'm so sorry, Yuuri. I feel like I'm troubling you so much. You…know you don't have to stay here, if it's…"

"What are you talking about?" he chides me, shaking his head, "Victor, just because you're having a hard time in therapy doesn't mean that I should abandon you if something happens I don't like."

"Sorry, I just meant that I…"

"We're in this together, Victor," he says firmly, "I'm not going anywhere. I just thought that you should know, so that you could tell Doctor Bershov when you see him again."

"I will tell him," I promise, "He will probably have an idea about something to do for that."

Yuuri gives me a little, amused smile.

"You sure have changed in your opinion about him," he chuckles, "A week ago, you could barely stand him, and now, you seem like you really trust him."

"We got off to a kind of a bad start," I confess, "I'm just giving him more of a fair shake, I guess. He is my therapist, and he has given me some very good techniques for handling stress."

"You did seem to weather that panic attack pretty well," he comments, "I'm glad it's helping. Still, I just worry about you, Victor. You seem to be doing better with the withdrawal, but…I don't know…you just look like you don't feel well."

"People getting over an addiction spend a lot of time not feeling well."

"Yeah," he says uneasily, "I guess that's what it is. I just don't like seeing you uncomfortable, and looking like you're not eating enough."

"I just sat and ate that pork cutlet bowl with you a few hours ago," I remind him, "Did you see me having any problem with that? I just don't like the food here so much. I'm sure my appetite will improve when I get out of here. In fact, I may start to gain too much weight, because I'll go out and gorge myself, since I've had to go without."

He laughs a little at that, and we settle down again and go back to sleep. We sleep late the next morning, because the couples' meeting we attend is late morning, so there's plenty of time to laze around, make love once more, then we shower together before dressing and going to breakfast.

When we're naked under the water, Yuuri's hands run over my body slowly, almost like he's trying to will the thinness away. I feel a little embarrassed that I'm not in better condition, but Yuuri's hands swiftly remind me that I don't have to be perfect, I just have to be me.

"I wish you were coming home sooner," Yuuri sighs, "I miss you and Maccachin. The house is lonely without you, even though I keep busy, and I get to talk to you almost every day."

"We talk every day," I chuckle, "I'm worried I'll bore you."

"You forgot to be there to answer my call once this week."

"Really? When was that?" I ask, frowning, "I don't remember that."

"Well, you are pretty forgetful," he says ruefully.

"I am not forgetting you calling me," I say in an offended tone.

"Well, it happened," he says, laughing a little, "You must have had a meeting run late or something."

"That's probably it," I sigh, "They do keep us busy with groups and things."

"You've also had a lot going on," he continues.

I know by his expression and tone that he's talking about me thinking that he was the one at the bottom of the pond the first time, then me being the one to find Tomas's body there.

"I've been so worried all week. Stefan tells me what's going on, but I feel really helpless to do anything for you. I'm stuck out there and you're in here."

I take his hand and touch it to my breast, over my heart.

"You are always right here," I promise him, "We will get through this, Yuuri. We will."

"Victor, will you tell me something? Do you…really think it was Tomas who did the stalking?"

I consider for a moment, then I nod.

"I do. But, even if he was not, I still have Masha and Stefan, and also Vasily and Calina looking out for me. There also haven't been any more incidences since Tomas was unmasked as the stalker. Still, if it makes you feel better, I haven't let down my guard. I am pretty much always with either Maccachin or one of my friends here."

"That does make me feel better."

We're quiet as we finish our shower, then we dry off and dress before walking to the cafeteria for breakfast. We find Vasily and Calina sitting at one of the tables with a little girl happily bouncing on Vasily's lap. It's his daughter from the picture I saw in Vasily's room before, his daughter, Aurora.

"So, she did come to visit," I say, smiling.

Vasily holds the little girl up, facing Yuuri and me.

"Aurora," he says proudly, "I would like you to meet two of the best male figure skaters in the world…and, of course, my good friends, Victor and Yuuri. Victor, Yuuri, this is my Aurora."

"Pleased to meet you, little lady," I greet her, charming her with a charismatic wink.

"Hi, Aurora," Yuuri says, smiling, "It's nice to meet you."

"Here, hold her for a minute," Vasily says, offering her to me.

I've held babies and toddlers before, but there's something strange and oddly beautiful that happens this time. I lift the little red-haired girl up and look into her pretty eyes. I see her smile and hear that sweet laughter she makes. For a moment, I get a flash of something in my mind…no, somewhere in my heart. The sweet scent from her hair and her clothes reaches me. My heart beats faster, and I see something else in my mind…Yuuri and me in our home…with a little baby of our own.

I mean, we're both men, so we can't make a baby, but I've been thinking there are ways that we could have a baby fathered by one of us…the other…both? It's come into my mind a few times now, but when it comes on while I'm holding Aurora, it sets off a longing. I feel Yuuri's eyes watching me closely as we spend time with Vasily's budding family. As we leave them and head to the couples' therapy meeting, he glances at me questioningly and takes a little steadying breath.

"Vasily's daughter was cute," he comments.

"Yes," I agree, feeling a little warmth inside, just remembering.

He pauses, like he doesn't know what to say for a moment, then he forces out the words.

"Y-you are thinking that you want to have a baby to raise, right?" he asks, "I mean, I know you are. It's obvious by the way you were looking at her…with so much joy in your eyes. Victor, it's the most alive you've looked since you came here."

"I have been thinking about that," I confess, "But you've thought about it too, haven't you?"

He blushes so cutely.

"Yeah, yeah, I have," he admits, "I…I think if we really want to do that, we could start, I don't know…looking for ways…once you come home and we get married."

I have to say, I feel like a man who's been trapped in the desert without a drop of water, who is suddenly handed a tall glass of iced tea. My smile is so big and happy, it makes Yuuri smile and laugh too.

"That's a great idea!" I agree excitedly, "We would, of course, have to continue to be careful because of the laws here…but if it came to that, we could always live somewhere else while we raise our children."

As we walk to the therapy meeting, we continue to talk about it, and it seems to light me up inside, giving me a warmth that stays with me, even though I know after the meeting, we won't have much more time before our next goodbye. At the end of the session, as Yuuri and I are leaving, Stefan gets our attention and calls us into his office. We go and sit down there with him, and he closes the door, then he sits down on the other side of the desk and smiles at us.

"It's good seeing you both so happy," he tells us, "It hasn't escaped me, or anyone here, how crucial Yuuri is to your treatment, Victor. I've been worried lately, as I was telling you, and as I told Yuuri in my last call to him, that although you are making very good progress with your recovery, you are not thriving physically, and your emotional state has me concerned."

"I've tried to tell you, I am just struggling, like everyone else here," I say, shaking my head, "and Yuuri's bringing me pork cutlet bowls."

"I know," Stefan chuckles, "I help him sneak them in…but I have a better idea for you, and I want to run it by you."

We both look at him very curiously now.

"What do you want me to do?" I ask, "Is it some different therapy? I'll do whatever you think is best. You know that."

"I do know that," he assures me, "and the therapy I think would be very good for you…would be to start going home on weekends."

I don't mean to, but I start to leak tears from such happiness.

"I can go home for weekends already?" I ask, "But I thought it would be longer. I thought I might not get to."

"Well, usually, there is a high concern that we need to do a slower reintroduction to normal life, with the presence of easy access to liquor. I know we'll have to be careful, and I will be monitoring that, but I believe that you realize the seriousness of what you were doing before, and you are committed to living a life either without alcohol, or at very least, having some control of yourself when drinking."

"I have learned a lot in my meetings," I agree, "and I am, like you say, committed to sobriety."

"Me too," Yuuri adds, "I'm going to be there to support Victor all of the way."

"I know you will," Stefan says, smiling more widely, "I have conferred with others on the staff, and with the exception of Doctor Bershov, everyone on the committee, here, thinks this is the best choice for you."

"So…I get to go home next…"

"You will leave each Friday, after your last meeting and you will come back each Monday morning, in time for your first session."

"Friday, my only meeting ends at ten," I say happily, "and I don't meet with anyone on Monday until one in the afternoon!"

"That will give you and Yuuri more time to enjoy together," Stefan speculates, "and I am also recommending that we get you doing some training at the ice rink. Take it easy until you've regained some of the weight you are down, but I want you to start making things more normal."

I turn and throw my arms around Yuuri. I'm so happy that it takes a while for me to calm down. And as we talk about the specifics of my weekend release, I start to think about what he said. When we're done with everything else, I ask him the question on my mind.

"Stefan, you said that Doctor Bershov disagreed with letting me go home. Did he say why?"

Stefan pauses for a second before answering.

"I think that he's worried about it being too soon for you to be around alcohol. But when pressed, he had to admit that both of my assertions are right. You are progressing very well and you are definitely motivated to stay dry now. I don't know if he is completely convinced, but you can ask him about his objection when you have your next appointment with him."

"Right, right, I will."

Yuuri and I leave Stefan's office and we meet Masha and pick up Maccachin to go out into the gardens for a walk.

"So, I get to go home on weekends, now," I tell her.

"Really? That's good for you," she laughs a little sarcastically, "But I have no weekend pass, so I'll be bored as hell, sitting around here, pretending to be a recovering alcoholic without you. But…I'll be looking into a few things."

"Like what?" I ask.

"I heard Tolya is showing signs of waking," she tells us.

"Really? Do you think you'll be able to question him?" Yuuri asks.

"If he wakes up, yeah. But, in addition to him, I've got my eye on Petya."

"You don't still think the stalker is running around?" I ask, shaking my head.

"We don't know for sure about anything. Besides, like I said, it's boring as hell here without you, and I have to at least do something to earn my paycheck. I'm looking into Petya because he said something kind of strange to me the other day. It's been in the back of my mind…It was something about strings."

My eyes widen, and Masha takes me by the arm.

"He said something to you, too?" she asks.

"He…ah, he said something about people dancing, and that you should look for who is manipulating the strings. Was that what he said to you also?"

"Yeah," Masha admits, "I think he knows I'm not a real patient. I think he knew about Tomas drawing perverted pictures and Tolya being a closeted gay."

"He's a strange person," I admit, "He does seem to watch everyone."

"I'm going to try talking to him, and if that doesn't yield anything, I'm going to see if I can get my hands on his journal."

"That's not very nice, stealing looks at a person's journal," I chide her.

"Think about Tomas," she says sharply, "Victor, we need to be sure about this…so I am going to continue looking into it…and you are going to continue being careful. Got it?"

"Yeah," I laugh, surprising her with a hug, "I've got it."

"What are you doing? Stop that!"

"It was just a thank you hug."

"Well, stop it, okay? I don't need you hugging me!"

"Everyone needs to be hugged. Yuuri, hug her."

"What? Me?" Yuuri yelps, blushing.

"Yuuri, I will hug," Masha says, wrapping her arms around my surprised fiancé.

"It figures," I laugh.

She really is a funny, quirky person.