Chapter 18: The Man in my Shadow
Dear Victor,
I know you don't know me, but I have to find a way to reach you. I have to warn you. Senya is not helping you. He is trying to destroy you. I know this, because he is the one who made a place for me inside you. When you go to him, he speaks certain words that make your mind sleep, and they awaken me.
Victor, he is trying to erase you. He is trying to make you disappear, so that only I will be in your body. I am scared, because I know if you become aware, you may kill me. I understand. This body belongs to you. I should not be here. I did not ask to be here. I am Senya's prisoner.
Ah, someone is coming…I must go.
Oska
XXXXXXXXXX
A knock on my door steals me out of the little mental fog I was in. For some reason, I was just sitting on my bed after Yuuri left. I know I was daydreaming about what it will be like next weekend when I get to go home. I was thinking about all of the things I would do.
Then…I sort of zoned out.
I must have been bored.
Why is Maccachin lying on the floor, looking at me so strangely? He's been doing that sometimes lately. It's kind of unsettling. I wonder if maybe, now that Tomas is no longer stalking me and I feel comfortable here, I should just insist on Yuuri taking him home.
My journal is on the bed with me, so I pick it up as I get up to answer the door. I open the door and Masha is there, wearing a little bit of a frantic expression. She pushes me back into the room and shuts the door hurriedly.
"M-masha? What are you doing?"
"Shh! Listen to me!" she hisses, grabbing my arm, "I have to tell you something."
"Did you learn something from Petya?" I ask, "You said you were going to ask him some questions. Was he helpful?"
"Maybe," she answers, still holding onto me, "only not in the way I intended. Victor, something really strange happened."
"What are you talking about? What happened?" I ask her.
She glances at the door, then she looks back at me.
"Petya is in the hospital," she informs me.
"What? What happened to him?" I ask, "It wasn't…?"
"It wasn't an attack, at least, it looks like it was an overdose. Stefan went to the hospital to get the latest on him and to counsel him…if he lives."
Why does it feel so personal? I don't even know Petya that well. I don't know. Maybe it's because we are in the same program. We are all struggling with our addictions.
"Are you all right, Victor?" she asks, sounding genuinely concerned, "I wasn't aware that you had gotten to know Petya that well."
"I didn't…I don't. It's just that…Tolya is still unconscious in the hospital and Tomas is dead. For the third time since I came here…someone's life is in danger."
"You don't count your own stalking as danger?" she asks, tilting her head a little.
"Senya would never let someone hurt me."
What?
What did I just say?
Why did I call Doctor Bershov by, not just his first name, but his more intimate nickname?
Masha doesn't miss it either.
"Victor," she says, looking into my eyes, "you're not okay. For a second, you zoned out. What, are you just stressed? What's wrong with you?"
"Ah…"
"Why did you say that, basically, you are being protected by Doctor Bershov? And why that name?"
"I don't know!" I snap irritably, "We…we're on better terms than we were. He's helped me deal with a lot of things."
She scowls at me, but very strangely, she seems more worried than angry.
"I think we need to get you out of here," she decides.
"What?" I ask, "You've got to be kidding me! After I've put in two weeks of hell, you want me to walk out of therapy, just because Petya overdosed? I'm sorry for him, really I am, but…"
"Victor, his journal is missing!" she tells me.
"His journal?"
"Yes," she affirms, "I mean, there was a journal with him, but you and I both know that Petya kept meticulous notes on everyone! And that leaves two possibilities. First, someone might have taken the original and replaced it with a copy."
"You know, you are going a little far with this," I complain.
"Will you shut up and listen to me!" she hisses furiously, "You are not right in the head, and if Petya really did overdose, he might have been influenced too. So, where does that lead you?"
My eyes narrow.
"You think that Doctor Bershov is involved?" I ask.
She's watching me carefully as I take that in. I want to reject it, to push it away. After all, Doctor Bershov has been helping me. But…what if…?
"I don't know for sure," she admits. But there is a way to find out more, or at least get more clues."
"And what is that?" I ask her.
"You think I'm gonna tell you that?" she snaps, "You're just this side of the cuckoo's nest and if Bershov is involved, your screws may have been loosened enough for you to give me away. That being said, there is only one thing to do."
I look back at her with a questioning expression.
"Well, if it wasn't someone else who took Petya's journal, I have to find it…and…I have to make sure that you don't stay in Bershov's hands."
"Masha, what the hell are you…?"
She moves so damned fast, I'm not even sure what hit me. I just know she did something, then everything goes black and quiet.
XXXXXXXXXX
I wake up to the biggest fucking headache of my life, and I try to sit up and grab at it. The only problem, I find, is that I am restrained and my eyes have been covered, so I can't see where I am. I catch Yuuri's scent right away, and I feel Maccachin's warmth and weight beside me. There are other people in the room, but I'm not sure who they are.
"Yuuri?"
My throat feels so dry and achey.
Did I get sick?
Where are we?
Yuuri's hand touches mine tentatively, but it's not his voice that speaks to me.
It's Stefan's.
"You are safe, Victor," he tells me.
What is that in his voice?
Is he afraid of something?
"Where are we?" I ask, trying again to sit up, "Why am I tied down?"
"You are in restraints for your own safety," Stefan tells me in a worried tone, "and…for your safety, I can't tell you where we are. All I can tell you is that you are safe and we are going to take care of you."
"What the hell is this?" I shout, "TAKE THESE FUCKING THINGS OFF! YOU KNOW GODDAMNED WELL THAT I DON'T LIKE THEM!"
For a moment, no one answers. I'm so angry that I start to lose control. I yank at the restraints and struggle to break them.
"Yuuri, I know you're here!" I yell, "You can't just sit there and let this bastard tie me down like this."
I hear his breath hitch, but he doesn't answer.
"What is wrong with all of you?" I scream, making Maccachin yelp and jump off of the bed, "First, that psycho attacks me, and now all of you are tying me down and acting like there's something wrong with me. I'm telling you for the last goddamned time, LET ME UP!"
A soft, sniffing sound tells me that Yuuri is crying, but for some reason, it only infuriates me more, thinking that he has been convinced to let someone do this to me.
"Yuuri, let me the fuck up!" I shout at him, "Let me up now!"
"Vitya."
This time, it's Yakov's voice that reaches me, and when I hear it, I freeze.
Yakov is afraid too?
What the hell is wrong with them?
It may be simply the fact that Yakov has been there for me for so much of my life that makes me stop talking and really listen. I hold still and work to slow my breathing, employing a technique that Doctor Bershov taught me. It involves using certain words to trigger a calm, quiet feeling. I whisper the words and everything goes still and quiet around me. I'm in a very calm, safe state and I feel the level of tension in the room drop sharply. Yuuri breathes a soft sigh of relief and Stefan's voice sounds again.
"Victor, I am going to read something to you. Listen carefully."
"Dear Victor,
I know you don't know me, but I have to find a way to reach you. I have to warn you. Senya is not helping you. He is trying to destroy you. I know this, because he is the one who made a place for me inside you. When you go to him, he speaks certain words that make your mind sleep, and they awaken me.
Victor, he is trying to erase you. He is trying to make you disappear, so that only I will be in your body. I am scared, because I know if you become aware, you may kill me. I understand. This body belongs to you. I should not be here. I did not ask to be here. I am Senya's prisoner.
Ah, someone is coming…I must go.
Oska"
"Oska?" I repeat.
For some reason, the picture that I caught sight of in Doctor Bershov's office comes to mind.
"Victor," Stefan inquires, "do you recognize this letter? Do you remember it?"
"No," I answer honestly, "Where did you find it? It sounds a little crazy."
There is perfect silence in the room for a moment, and it's one of the scariest moments of my life. I hear Stefan draw a breath, and then he answers me.
"This is the beginning of the last entry in your journal," he explains, "and it is in your own handwriting."
My insides go all icy and all of a sudden, I feel so shaky.
"What? My journal?" I whisper.
"This evening, Masha called me," he goes on, "She told me to come to the rehab center, and she warned me not to let anyone see what was in my office."
"What was in your office?" I ask him, "Did she say I did something wrong? Is that why she knocked me out and you tied me up like this?"
"I wasn't aware of how you got knocked out," he tells me, "I went to the rehab center and I slipped inside without going through the main desk area. When I got to my office, I found you tied to one of the chairs and unconscious. There were two journals sitting on your lap. One was yours and one was…well, she left a hastily scratched note that says it was Petya's "real" journal."
"Masha?"
Oh my god, I hope she wasn't…
"Also in the room, I found Masha lying on the floor. There was blood…and it was obvious that she put the journals and the note there. I knew, when I found this, that there was something awful going on, so I called Yakov and he brought help. We were able to distract the staff security, and we got you, Masha and the books out of the facility. We have doctors helping her."
"Is she going to be all right?" I ask, "Can I see her?"
There is a long pause, and it leaves me with the feeling I am missing something important.
"Masha is still unconscious," Stefan answers, "She is getting the best of care. She will be all right, but…she was beaten very badly…and she was raped."
If the cold feeling I had before was bad, I feel a worse pain inside at what I hear beneath his words.
"You…think I hurt her?" I ask, "You think I beat and raped Masha?"
No one in the room makes a sound.
"Wait…my journal," I reason, "You know that I wouldn't hurt Masha, or anyone else, but you don't know that about Oska? Is that it? You think Oska took over and hurt her? Why? Why would you think that? Masha is my friend. She is my protector! I wouldn't hurt her, and even if Oska from the letter is exactly what he says, I don't think he had any reason to hurt her either!"
"Victor," Stefan says worriedly, "were you aware of Oska being in your mind? In your body?"
"I think it's clear from the fact he had to write it in my journal, I wasn't aware of him!" I snap, "What are you getting at?"
"What he is getting at is that he thinks you have been having blackouts, and when he talked to Yuuri, Yuuri said that you had missed a phone call from him, and that, when you were together this last time, you had a moment when you seemed to not be yourself."
I don't want to, but I suddenly remember Maccachin's strange behavior from before. My heart starts to race and I am so scared I feel like I can't breathe.
"So, you really think that I did this to Masha?" I ask in a quaking whisper, "You think that, maybe Oska is a rapist?"
"We don't know exactly what happened or how you and Masha ended up in my office in that condition," Stefan tells me, "Right now, I am having a friend take samples from Masha's body and test them. We should have the results soon."
"When you do, will you let me up?" I ask.
There is more silence.
"We need to make sure that you are not going to run," Stefan answers, "and the only way to do that is to try to figure out what has been done to you, and to counteract it."
"So, now you will be messing with my head?" I ask.
"I am carefully consulting some people who can help," Stefan tells me, "But…I also have to go back to the rehab center this morning and pretend like nothing happened."
"Like nothing happened?" I muse, "Didn't you say there was blood? If there was blood, then I don't think you'll just get away with that."
"I had some help cleaning up the evidence," Stefan reveals, "Victor, we need to try to figure out what the hell is going on. To do that, I need to go back to the rehab center, and I have to act like I don't know anything. If Bershov is behind this, then all of us who are his colleagues have been lied to! If he is capable of doing such things to a patient's mind…we have to stop him!"
"Ah," I say softly, "but you can't do that until you know that I am not involved. Is that it?"
"That is why we have been waiting," he admits.
A beeping from his phone makes all of us freeze, and stare as he checks it. He looks back at us and breathes a sigh of relief.
"The samples do not match your DNA," he reveals in a calmer tone, "I am surprised, though. The DNA didn't match Bershov's either. The man who beat and raped Masha…was Nurse Ivken."