Chapter 22: Never Waste a Day

Dear Yuuri,

I am happy to have finally reached this day with you. No, it's not our wedding. We still have that ahead of us. Today is an important day for us for a different reason. We're getting dressed nicely and going back to the rehabilitation center, but this time, it is to celebrate. The last sixty days have been filled with difficult things. We shed so many tears, both together and apart, while I was learning to control my addiction. I am sorry for the pain that my drinking caused you. You, of all people, who taught me that we don't have to fight alone…that there are people who will stand by us and help us to find new strength and inspiration. You did not deserve to be hurt by the choice I made so often, to pick up a glass and drink. I will make a vow to you now that I will keep as faithfully as the vows I will take on our wedding day.

I will not let my addiction to alcohol hurt you or me ever again. Even though I still sometimes feel a desire or a need to drink, I feel a stronger one to remain true to our love, and to the dreams that we have for our future. I will be the husband to you and the father to our someday children that all of you deserve to have.

With all my love,

Vitya

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Okay, I admit that my eyes aren't dry when I finish my last journal entry. It took me forever to find the right words and to say enough, but not too much. Every word came from the heart, and maybe the tears in my eyes are just from the effort of getting them out, or maybe it's because they bring back everything that happened along the way.

Even after I returned home in the wake of Bershov's craziness, for awhile I wasn't myself. I don't know how Yuuri managed when he would find me sitting alone and crying for no reason I could think of, or when I would wake from a bad dream, shaking all over, sometimes screaming or crying and sometimes sick to my stomach. But his arms were my safe place through everything, and Stefan's kind words, advice and encouragement were my guide. I won't lie and say that my release from the program means I am magically cured. First of all, an alcoholic is always an alcoholic, even if he never drinks again. He is always a drink away from a relapse and has to think constantly about his actions. Secondly, release only means that I have mastered the skills to prevent a relapse. I have to want sobriety and be willing to fight for it. That is my own personal lifelong battle.

But I do not fight alone.

I am never alone.

"Victor?"

I look up at Yuuri as he enters the bedroom, and I have to blink because he shines so brightly with love and pride. He's as happy as I am that we've reached this day. We've had to put the rest of our lives on hold while I fought this battle. Today, we have earned the ability to move forward with our dreams. I look at him, and I am so touched by the pride with which he looks at me. I know, of all people, Yuuri understands everything that made this battle necessary, and he will never forget the slow and painful steps it took to cleanse my body, my mind and my soul from the need to feel numb.

Whatever life throws at us, we will be strong enough to handle it together, without numbness.

I have come to see that the numbness I sought from alcohol, though it did take the edge off the pain in my life, it also stole away many moments that would have been so beautiful. I can't get those moments back, I can only make myself determined that I will not miss any more of them. This…is one of those beautiful moments…standing in front of the person I love most, and seeing him so happy that there are tears in his eyes. He is proud of me, and I am proud of myself. Yes, this is a beautiful, wonderful moment.

Unable to help myself, I drag Yuuri down on our bed and I pull our clothes off while he sputters about us being late and everyone waiting. But, everyone can wait just a little longer while I pour my love out in kisses and caresses, as I whisper my gratitude into his ear. Yuuri can't help but be swept up in the sweetness of this victory and he stops resisting.

Everything about him is sweet and delicious. His mouth tastes so good and kisses back with ferocity. His hands touch me everywhere, and what words he can form are panted out breathlessly as I join our bodies and the need for words disappears altogether. This love dance feels special, monumental among all of the times we have partaken of each other. Thinking as we move together, I realize that when Yuuri and I became coach and skater, we were both broken. Each of us needed something that we could only find together. This…this time right now? It is the first time we've made love as whole people. And our climax feels explosive. It leaves us enraptured and in awe of just what we are when we are together.

Now, we realize, we really are going to be late.

We giggle together as we clean up and dress, then we endure Yakov's snapping and scolding as we get into the car for the ride back to the rehabilitation center. Mother's eyes look into the rearview mirror at me, and I want to cry at how happy she looks. I don't know if I've ever seen her look that happy.

As we reach the rehabilitation center, there is a moment when I meet Yakov's eyes, and I can tell that the old man and I are thinking about the same thing. We remember together that day he tricked me into coming here. I felt betrayed and I was angered by Stefan's smile and the questions that he asked. I hated the doctor who examined me that day touching me. I just wanted to go home and bury myself in a bottle. I will never forget how I made my father cry that day. I won't let it happen again.

We walk in the front doors, and I recall how I was barely in control on the outside and shaky and scared on the inside when I first came here. Now, the area is decorated, and the staff that is there are all smiling. Of course, some are not there. There is a younger man who has taken Doctor Bershov's place, and Nurses Ivken and Derdova are gone. But still, most of the faces are familiar, and where they were usually serious while I struggled to regain control of my body, they are sincerely happy for me now.

I feel my breath catch as I see Masha is here, not dressed like a patient anymore, but looking sharp and lovely. She has been through a lot, protecting me, so there are still signs that she is hurting a bit inside. But she smiles and hugs each of us.

"It's good to see you," I tell her, "You look well."

"I am getting there," she tells me, "It's good to see you too, ice fairy."

"I hear you accepted Yakov's offer to be bodyguard for my mother," I comment.

"What can I say," she chuckles, "I love trouble."

"Welcome to the family."

Vasily grabs me and hugs me tightly, like a brother.

"You look great!" he laughs.

"You too," I laugh, "You call me when it's your turn for this. We'll have a big party."

"I can't wait."

His smile gets even bigger.

"Victor, I have to tell you, I just got word from my manager about the video shoot that we did with you and Yuuri. He thinks it's going to be a hit. I have sponsors for a new tour, and I negotiated a gentler schedule, so that Aurora and I can see the sights while we travel. Calina is going to go with us."

"I'm happy for you," I tell him, "Let me know when the video is number one."

"With you and Yuuri in it, it's amazing!" Vasily gushes, "I just can't wait to get out of here and touring again."

"You'll get there," I assure him, "We both will."

Stefan greets me, and I see that Filip has come to the center to support me too. I hug them both, then we move on to the large meeting room, where all of the current patients, as well as my family and close friends sit in chairs. Yuuri goes to sit down with my parents and Masha, while Stefan has me join him in front of everyone.

"Good to see all of you," he greets them, "and a special welcome to all of Victor's family and friends. I share in the happiness you all feel today as we celebrate Victor's release from the program. At one time or another, I know everyone in this room has played a role in his recovery, and let me just say that while he has struggled with his own addiction, Victor has managed to also play a role in others' recovery as well. Please, let's take a moment to share some stories…"

His grin widens.

"…inspiring stories of the days that all of you have spent with Victor while he has been a part of the recovery program with you."

One by one, the people who were here, the ones who witnessed my struggles, share stories of my successes and my failures, my hard battles and my little, but profound victories. My eyes get wet as Tolya speaks. He is still very pale and his body shakes when he speaks, but he is grateful to Masha and to me for getting him down, for saving his life. And he says something else too.

"Victor, I am going to be honest that I looked down on you at first. I was raised to think that a relationship between two men was an abomination."

His mother's eyes tear up at that.

"But you and Yuuri are not an abomination. You're an inspiration for me to be honest with myself and my family. And just maybe, I'll grow strong enough to be myself without apologizing. I'm glad you have succeeded. It gives me hope that I will too."

The stories go on, until it's Yakov's turn, and he stands and looks into my eyes.

"I don't have a particular story to share," he tells everyone, "I can only say one thing, and that is I am proud that Victor is my son. I've seen him have to be strong through things that no one should have to. And while he may have turned to alcohol, when he decided to defeat his addiction, he faced it with the same courage and strength that he gives every time he steps onto the ice. I am proud of you Victor, and I love you."

I have to go and hug him after that.

My mother speaks next, and she makes it even harder for me not to cry, but everything seems to stop and go really, really quiet, not just in the room, but in my heart as Yuuri stands and faces me. He leaves the chairs and comes to me. His hands clasp mine and we share a kiss. Then, he looks into my eyes and I'm crying already.

"Victor, from the time I was a little boy, you've always been my inspiration. From the first time I saw you skate, until right now, you have taught me how to be a stronger person, how to embrace the love that was around me and to use that emotion to grow even stronger. I know it's been hard letting me in when it was you who was struggling. That took a lot of trust. It took courage. I have to say that all of this has made me appreciate even more what a strong person you are. That's not to say you are perfect, but that you try and you keep on trying. You never give up, not in your programs, not with me, and not in your struggle for sobriety. I am…amazed by you, and I am honored to be the one who you have chosen to spend a lifetime with. I can't wait for us to be married. I can't wait for everything that the future holds for us. I love you."

"I love you too," I somehow manage to whisper as we kiss again and he sits back down.

Stefan turns his attention to me.

"Victor, you have fought a difficult battle with addiction, and you will continue to fight for the rest of your life. As you leave this program, what advice do you have to share with your fellow addicts?"

I take a shaky little breath.

"Appreciate the small things. Take time to notice the things you usually overlook while you are focusing so hard on sobriety…a walk outside, fresh air, lovely flowers, the shapes of icicles, warm food, a good night's sleep, good friends and silly moments. Those are the things that kept me moving forward, even when I had no big wins, I had these little things. Those things matter. Hang onto them and let them inspire you. And never forget who supports you…those people you know are always with you, always believing in you, even when you can't believe in yourself. Be good to yourselves…and always do your best. You are…enough."

With the speeches and stories done, we move on to the food and drinks that have been provided. I realize as I talk to everyone that a part of me is going to miss being here with them. I will still attend private counseling and some meetings, but the focus will shift to making sobriety a part of my life.

When the party is over, Yuuri and I ride home in the back of Yakov's car. We are worn out, but we are so happy, because today, we begin a new step forward. When we get home, after a good night's sleep and a hot breakfast, we will begin our planning. In a few short months, in a country that will allow it, Yuuri and I are going to be married.

I can't wait.

I know it will be an adventure worth waiting for.