**Deepest apologies for the delay with this chapter, I was a tad distracted with other things**

**Enjoy!**

Chapter Three: If Not Now, When?

Bucky made his way downstairs, pulling his hair back into a low tail as he reached the floor, turning to the left and heading down the hallway that led to the kitchen; the smell of coffee tempting him every step of the way. He spotted his youngest, seated at the table, jamming a spoonful of oatmeal into her mouth. She could barely see over the bowl, given her lack of height, but the stubbornness she acquired from her mother had her refusing her booster seat every step of the way.

The attention she had on her breakfast was long gone the moment she spotted him, heterochromatic eyes going wide as saucers while she hopped down from her chair; the spoon still lodged in her mouth as she darted toward him. It seemed Kade had her already dressed for the day in blue jeans, a pink Tinkerbelle shirt and that accursed tutu; her hair up in a ponytail.

"Daddy!" she cooed from behind clamped teeth, latching onto his leg in a hug.

"Good morning to you too princess" Bucky chuckled, ruffling the top of her head as he adjusted the speed of his walk to compensate for the attachment still fastened to his leg.

"Same as usual?" Kade asked, walking up to the coffee pot.

"Please" he replied, noting the gray tank top and black capri pants; her ponytail only slightly worn.

"How long have you been up?" he asked, knowing she had already gone running that morning.

"A while…Constance, I know you love your daddy, but you need to finish your breakfast" Kade remarked, retrieving an empty mug from the cupboard and filling it with coffee.

Constance let out a short lived groan, releasing Bucky's leg and heading back to the table, climbing back up on the chair and seating herself back in front of her bowl.

"Happy already come by for Jamie?" He asked as she handed him his cup, steam rising from the black liquid.

"Yea, but not before I had a little chat with him. I warned him, he's getting a pass this time, but if he pulls a stunt like that again, he's grounded" Kade stated, leaning back against counter as she nursed a cup of her own.

"I'm surprised you didn't go ahead and do it anyway" he mentioned, tossing his eyebrows up as he took a gentle sip; seating himself at the island bar.

"I thought about it, but all things considered…they cut school to go to a robotics convention…it could have been worse…it could have been a lot worse" she remarked, her attention shifting to her coffee cup; seeming to become lost in her thoughts.

Bucky saw the look in her eyes, something was wrong, and she was avoiding it at all costs.

"Well, you know my take on it" he remarked, smiling in attempt to break her concentration.

"Yea, yea, Stark kid, bad influence, blah blah blah" she laughed, finally bringing the mug to her lips to take a drink.

He smiled, mostly at the fact she broke out of her trance rather quickly, deciding not to mention anything about it.

"I should probably get ready, I need to be on base at nine for debriefing" she stated, turning to place her mug in the sink.

"I've got drills at ten, so I guess we're taking separate cars" Bucky remarked, continuing to sip at his coffee.

"Seems so- oh I have a super huge favor!" she exclaimed, launching herself forward and all but slamming her hands down on the island.

Bucky's eyes went wide at her sudden approach, stilling his entire body in mid raise of his cup.

"Is there any chance you could pick Constance up from school and take her to ballet practice this evening? I have an appointment with Holt at 2:30 and there is no way I'm getting back through downtown traffic in time to get her" Kade asked, gently biting her lip as she waited patiently for an answer.

He sighed heavily, wondering why she felt it necessary to use the lip biting when he had no intention of refusing.

"I think I can manage…everything okay?" he replied, setting his coffee cup down.

"Yea, everything's fine. Last time I spoke with her, she said the results are in, so I'm going in for a consultation" Kade stated, raising her eyebrows in a flirting gesture.

"Let me know how it goes" he grinned, copying her gaze.

"You will be the first to know" she cooed, leaning further over the counter until their lips met.

It didn't matter how often they did it, whether it was a lasting one like last night, or a quick meet, she always felt her heart skip a beat and her skin go warm every time; and judging by the hitch in his breathing…he enjoyed it just as much. Much to her dismay, she separated from him, slowly returning to her side of the counter; yet never breaking eye contact.

"Ewww!" Constance cooed from the table, grinning like a Cheshire cat.

"Ewww!" Kade mocked, making a face at her daughter while Bucky laughed softly.

"I'm gonna take a shower and get ready to go" she laughed, heading from the kitchen.

"You takin my car this afternoon right?" he called.

"Until you can figure out how to get her car-seat into the Camaro, I'm gonna have to. Make sure she finishes her oatmeal please!" she answered as she retreated down the hall.

Kade gripped the bannister lightly as she spun on her toes and bounded up the stairs, slowing as she reached the top. A sullen look washed over her and again she was lost in a whirlwind of her own thoughts, taking her bottom lip between her teeth as she gently rested herself against the wall; her hand resting over her stomach as if done unconsciously.

"I honestly don't know why you keep having me run these tests if you already know the result beforehand" Holt sighed, flipping the record folder closed and leaning back in her chair.

"I guess I'm hoping one day I'll be wrong" Kade replied softly, staring down at her hands as they gripped hold of the back of the guest chair.

"Look, don't beat yourself up about it. A lot of women your age experience…well…null periods" Holt advised.

"Is this your subtle way of saying I've reached the age of infertility?" Kade questioned, lifting her head to toss an amused look at Holt.

"I never said infertile…" Holt corrected, shaming Kade with her finger.

"…you may be hitting forty, but your genome has practically preserved your lifespan. You have the look and overall health of someone in their late twenties, not to mention the clinical results from both you and Bucky come back with positive results. Medically speaking, there is no issue"

"So why is it that time and time again…we get nothing?" Kade mumbled, pushing herself from the chair and walking around to take a seat in it; flopping down in an exasperated manner.

"Well my first thought would have been the genome affecting your genetic makeup, but even after fusing with the infinity stone, if it were the case, Constance would have never survived the term…so the only other factor that could play into it is hormones"

"Hormones?" Kade asked, sounding skeptical.

"They are as finicky as they come, the slightest change can directly affect the ability to conceive. Do you have any idea how much stress can contribute to those changes?"

"I don't think stress is an issue here" Kade laughed.

"How so?" Holt questioned.

"Well for starters, the first time I got pregnant, we were in Russia, tracking down HYDRA. Getting blown up…and shot at. The second time was when I was being hunted down by my psychotic older brother, and getting teleported across the universe against my will. My stress factor now?...beyond minimal"

Holt leaned forward, resting on her elbows and clasping her hands together; exhaling slowly through her nose.

"Well there is something else…" Holt stated, almost in a whisper.

Kade raised her eyebrow in a questioning gesture, urging Holt to continue.

"…I can diagnose and treat things that I can see pretty easily, but not all ailments are physical. I treated a young woman some years back who, like you, was having difficulty conceiving. She wanted a child, bad…so bad that out of the blue, she started exhibiting the common symptoms…weight gain, cravings, morning sickness, christ she even started lactating. Over the counter tests came back positive, but ultrasound and blood tests showed nothing…she wasn't really pregnant…her hormones tricked her body into thinking it was" Holt explained.

"I…don't see how that has anything to do with me" Kade remarked, looking unimpressed.

"Emotional hormone shifts like that can work both ways. They can manipulate the body chemistry to mimic pregnancy as much as they can prevent it from happening altogether"

"So you're saying this is all in my head?"

"I'm merely suggesting, that all things considered…it's a possibility. I'm no psychiatrist, but I think this is a question that bears down deep into the subconscious…do you really want this child?"

"Yes, without a doubt. Jamie and Constance are the best things that ever happened to me, Bucky is an amazing husband and father…we finally have the family we always wanted…" Kade trailed off, her breath stopping short in her throat as she cast her eyes down; seeing her tightly clenched hands.

"But?..." Holt urged, sensing the hesitation.

Kade was quiet for several moments, as if trying to collect herself before she spoke again.

"I don't know whether it's just the predictability of my bad luck, or the stone is giving me premonitions…but I keep getting this feeling like something really bad is gonna happen" Kade admitted, surprising herself at the hint of fear that laced her voice.

"How long has this been going on?" asked Holt, concern etched across her features.

"A few years give or take"

"Years!?" Holt exclaimed.

"When it first started, I pegged it for paranoia. I have a track record when it comes to things falling apart at the seams just when I think everything is fine, but when nothing happened right away, I started to put if off. I needed to in order to focus on the missions and be with my family without them wondering what was going on…I guess I buried it deeper than I thought"

"Have you at least told Bucky?"

"Hell no…you know how protective he gets over me and the kids…the last thing I need is him getting worked up over something I don't even comprehend yet"

"Secrecy is never a good thing" Holt warned gently.

"I'm not intending to keep secrets I just-…I'd rather know exactly what I'm dealing with before I put everyone on high alert. For all I know, with the time that's gone by, it could be just like you said…all in my head"

"I never said that exactly…I merely implied that sometimes, we alone can be our own worst enemy" Holt corrected.

The two exchanged a soft laugh, nullifying the potential of an awkward silence that was bound to follow. It was Holt who let out a heavy sigh first, reaching over to open a desk drawer, pulling out a notepad from inside and tossing it on the desk; retrieving a pen from the front pocket of her lab coat.

"In any case, I do have a diagnoses for this little consultation"

"That being?" Kade urged.

"You need a vacation…A.S.A.P"

Kade let out a short burst laugh, leaning back into the chair as casual as could be; still snickering.

"That's not happening any time soon" Kade remarked.

"If not now, when?" Holt snipped, not even raising her gaze as she continued to scribble something on the notepad,

"I'm an Avenger…I can't just up and take off whenever I want, Steve will never go for it" Kade argued.

"You let me deal with Rogers. Get the kids a babysitter, then you and Bucky get out of the state, get out of the country, I don't care where, just get out. You two need some time alone. Take a breather, and talk to each other…"

Holt tossed the pen down and abruptly tore the top page from the pad, folding it in half as she continued talking.

"…Communication is essential for any healthy relationship…and that is my professional medical opinion" With that, Holt reached forward, gesturing for Kade to take the piece of paper from between her fingers.

"This coming from someone who's been divorced twice?" Kade teased.

"That is why it is my professional medical opinion"

Kade huffed, and pushed herself from the chair, taking the paper and giving Holt and amused grin.

"One of these days you'll learn that if I can handle Stark…I can handle anything"

"No comment" Kade remarked.

"Get out" Holt growled teasingly.

Kade laughed softly, turning to leave.

It was nearly sundown before Kade arrived back at home, finding Bucky and the kids parked in the living room watching a movie; with pizza up for grabs on the coffee table. She didn't bother getting onto Bucky about the pork loin that had been marinating since early that morning, because after the day she had…she really didn't feel like cooking anyway. Instead, she sat down next to him and enjoyed not just a slice of pizza, but a slice of what family life was like.

By the time the credits started rolling, Kade was snuggled up next to Bucky, Constance was passed out halfway into Kade's lap, and Jamie was still parked in the corner; his attention drawn to a game on the tablet in attempt to avoid watching the movie. He never really cared for his little sister's choice in entertainment.

"She out?" Bucky asked quietly.

Kade looked down, gently reaching to pull her daughter's locks away from her face, taking note that she was fast asleep.

"She's out" Kade confirmed, holding back a laugh.

After checking the clock above the T.V, reading a little after nine, she sat up slowly, worming her hands around the child's small frame to start lifting her up; being as careful as possible not to wake her up.

"Jamie, take your sister to her room please, and lights out at ten for you" she requested in a near whisper.

Jamie sighed, turning off the tablet and getting to his feet, placing the tablet on the coffee table as he walked over to his parents; being equally as careful to keep from waking his sister as he took her from Kade and pulled her up into his arms. With equal stealth, he retreated from the living room, turning sharp to head up the stairs.

"You were later than I expected" Bucky stated, opening his arms as she shimmied her way across his lap.

"Yea I drove down to the harbor to take a breather…I guess I lost track of time" she explained.

Kade had her legs draped over the remained of his lap that she wasn't seated on, cradling into his chest and resting her head against his left shoulder; the cool metal a refreshing feeling against her warm skin. She felt one arm wrap around from her back while the other draped over top of her legs in a protective embrace.

The soft music of the movie credits were the only comfort against the silence that wrapped around them. Kade just sat there, listening to his breathing, her fingers tracing over the slack ripples in the fabric of his shirt as if to distract herself.

"Another no go huh?" he asked gently.

She went rigid in his arms, and those fingers found purchase in his shirt, gripping it in a fist. Even while his tone was understanding, it still felt like she had been broadsided by a speeding truck. It was easy enough to talk about failed attempts at pregnancy with Holt, but it was never easy to break the news to Bucky; even now.

"It's just so frustrating…the first two were completely unplanned, and now that we're actually trying…we can't…I'm sorry" she whimpered, burying her face into his shoulder shamefully.

"Hey, don't you dare apologize. It's not your fault" he argued, tightening his hold on her ever so slightly.

Kade started speaking, but it came out as nothing but muffled garbling with the current direction of her head.

"I can't hear you when you talk like that" he mocked.

She sighed heavily, waiting a moment before positioning her head back the way it was.

"Doc thinks it's something in my subconscious…so yea…it is my fault" she stated, her voice breaking slightly.

"We are in this together, you hear me? Till death do us part…remember that" he soothed, leaning his head down until it rested against hers.

She fought back tears, taking deep steadying breaths to keep herself calm, flattening her palm over his left breast; feeling the beat of his heart.

"She say anything else?" Bucky asked.

"Only that I should take a vacation…she thinks it will help clear my head" Kade sighed, an amused smirk crossing her lips at the suggestion.

"I figured as much…which is why we're leaving tomorrow" Bucky remarked, as casual as could be.

It took Kade only seconds to process what he said, and what that implied, her brows furrowing in disbelief as she pushed herself away from his chest to look him in the eye.

"Wait, what?"

A mischievous grin came over his face and it was clear he was reining back the urge to laugh.

"Bucky, we can't just up and bolt like that, not with two kids-"

"I already talked to Clint…" he interjected, cutting her off.

"…he and Laura are coming tomorrow morning to pick them up, take them out to his place until we get back, they could use the fresh air anyway…and since they're out next week for spring break, they'll only miss one day of school"

Kade's argument lodged in her throat, and for a moment, she could do nothing but sit there and stare at him, dumfounded.

"Okay…and that mission in Venezuela? You're scheduled to leave Monday" She argued.

"It's been reassigned, and to counter your next excuse, Steve has already cleared us for five vacation days and the use of a quin-jet"

"A quin-jet? Where are you planning on going with this quin-jet?" she asked.

"Moscow" he answered, still brandishing a soft smile.

"Why Moscow?"

"I'll tell you when we get there"

Kade let out an exasperated sigh, and dropped her head down on his shoulder, feeling defeated in some sense of the word. He may have covered all of his bases, but there was no way this was all his doing.

"Holt called you didn't she?" she mumbled.

"I called her"

She turned her eyes up at him, confusion etched over her face.

"When did you-"

"This morning, after you left"

"How…how did you know?" she asked, her voice laced with guilt.

"You had that look in your eyes…a look I've seen before. You're pretty perceptive with it, so I figured that meant something was wrong" he stated.

Kade smiled softly, sighing as she rested herself further into his arms.

"I can't hide anything from you can I?" she remarked.

"Nope" he answered.

There was no arguing with him at this point, even if she could find an excuse he wouldn't be able to counter, Holt would likely threaten to have her committed if she didn't go through with it; worse yet she'd try.

"Fine, I'll go" she sighed.

"Good, although I wouldn't have given you a choice in the matter" he remarked teasingly.

"Oh really?" she purred, raising her eyebrow doubtfully.

"Well I could always just do like I did the last time I took you to Russia" he stated in a matter-of-fact tone.

Kade let out a hearty, yet sarcastic, laugh.

"You so much as even contemplate a stunt like that, and you will most likely regret it" she warned, glaring at him playfully.

Kade gazed out the window, looking out as the lights of Red Square grew brighter with the last few rays of evening sun. She ran her thumb along the underside of her wedding band, tucked carefully next to the tarnished silver engagement ring, relishing the feeling of having them on again; she never wore them when she went on missions.

She heard him clear his throat, turning her head to watch him approach her slowly, her breath stolen for a brief moment. It had been a long time since she had seen him dressed so formally, their wedding likely being that time. Yet here he stood, in a sleek suit fit for a black tie event, his shoulder length hair neatly combed down with a relaxed part down the middle, a single black glove on his left hand; he even went so far as to trim up his usual five o'clock shadow.

He saw her smile, and the sparkle in her eyes outdid what little makeup she needed to wear. Her longer hair was styled up, giving a clear glimpse of not just the back of her neck, but the tattoo at the peak of her shoulder-blades; a laughing jester skull she got shortly after being inducted as an Avenger. She gained only a few inches of height with a pair of silver colored heels, accenting the strapless red evening gown, flowing down to the floor and captivating her figure in all the right ways; even with the split right up to the upper part of her thigh. Bucky entertained the idea of just staying in for the night…for obvious reasons.

"I feel like a monkey in this thing" he grumbled.

She laughed softly, turning to walk toward him, and he couldn't help but be captivated by the way she moved; silently praising whoever invented high heels.

"You look sharp" she assured, reaching up to gently adjust his tie.

He snorted through his nose, looking down at her while she fixed his attire.

"So…of all the places to go…why Moscow?" she asked, abandoning the tie and resting her hands on his jacket.

Bucky was silent for a moment, as she tilted her head up to gaze into his eyes, waiting patiently for his answer it seemed. A gentle smile crept up on the corner of his lips.

"Well, some time ago, you told a van full of Russian thugs that we were supposed to meet your aunt in Moscow for dinner" he stated, grinning the entire time.

"Oh wow, so that's the reason?" Kade laughed shaking her head in disbelief, walking back toward the window and retrieving a navy blue necklace box.

"Among others"

"Those being?" she asked, handing him the box and turning her back to him.

"Well…I guess you could say Russia holds a bit of sentimental value to me" he remarked, opening the box and gently retrieving a sterling silver necklace with an infinity pendant.

"How so?" she asked.

He tossed the box on the bed and gingerly unclasped the necklace, raising it over her head and bringing it down around her neck.

"Because it's not just the place where I became a monster…but it's where I became human again" he replied quietly, securing the clasp with almost practiced ease; he had his daughter's dress up fits to thank for that.

She said nothing as she slowly turned to face him, bearing that understanding look. He had many other reasons, but there was no need to mention them; one was enough.

"We should get going…we don't want to be late for our reservations" she advised, smiling.

"No, that just wouldn't do"