The world for her had been silenced. She hated it, dreaded recalling it. The crime committed against her was not her fault, and yet she was punished for it. She had sought help when she found herself pregnant, and was punished for it. She rued that day and her stupid decision to ask for help and be demeaned for it. Be punished for it. All because she could not remember much of what happened.
She tried to leave, try to escape her punishment. When her prison cell had been left unlocked by accident, she had made a run for it. She ran and jumped from their island, not sure what would happen when she did that. She hoped she would survive the fall.
She did, in a way. That young, half ice demon, half human caught her half way to the ground. More like an ice knight. She panicked at first when the ice dragon caught her. She feared some wild beast had caught her to make a meal of her.
Yet it was this youngling, Izo, who caught her. Caught her and then got caught with her by her sisters. He did not even know her and tried to save her. She did not want him killed for that. She lied to save him, even though he was punished and tortured for it. The guilt weighed her down as she had to watch him starving, push the meager amount of food they were given over to her. Some days, she was too selfish and too hungry to insist on sharing anyway.
Yet he had her rescued right along with him by those two other ice demons and that terrifying fire demon. One look at both their eyes and she saw their father-son connection. She feared it meant she was leaving one prison where death was at the end of the line, to another prison far worse than that.
Yet the terrifying fire demon entered her mind and calmed her down while Izo clung to her, refusing to let her flee back to her sisters. He promised her his... human... mate would protect her. She had hard heard of humans, but had never seen anyone beyond her sisters and her attacker. She had not been sure exactly how that could have been possible as humans in the Demon World were rare because the air was half toxic for them.
Yet she went with them, forcing herself to only trust the father and the son. She panicked as she watch Izo succumb to hypothermia, an impossibility for a full blooded demon. If he had died, she felt like the guilt would have been too much for her to bare.
When Izo had recovered, she was so relieved she had kissed him. More or instinct than anything else, but certainly born out a certain desire. Right before they had escaped her sisters' floating island, she had bit him, drawing blood. Even in the crazy panic of that moment, she had enjoyed the delicious taste of his blood. It was confusing for her, especially before she embraced her emotions, to desire to bite him again.
Then he and his family took her in, cared for her. Especially his human mother and telepathic father. Izo recovered and dotted on her in her few weeks of bed rest. An ice knight. She had not deserved it, could never deserve it. She was frozen back then, but she still watched him fall in love with her. She still dealt with the craving for his blood once more, even though it was an easy desire to keep in check.
When she had her son, under the care of that overly pushy doctor and older wolf healer, Izo had been there with her. Him and his parents. Why did they care so much? Why did they help her when she was not their kin? Not really anyway since any son of an ice maiden, like Hiei was, was not considered one with her sisters.
She had nearly died in her labor and delivery, which the doctor blamed on her for not trying a C section. He wanted to cut her open to get her son out, which sounded like a recipe for her own death. Of course she was not going to that. No ice maiden had ever even considered such a thing before. She wanted to have the child and be rid of it, without dying in the process.
Koji... she had not even seen him for hours after giving birth to him. The doctor and wolf healer were too busy trying to keep her alive and from bleeding out in a rushed healing job and blood transfusion.
Izo was ready for her when she awoke though. With her son, that he handed to her. She did not want him, feeling revolted at the sight of him and everything he had cost her. She took him in her arms anyway, when she would have rather thrown him off a cliff. The black haired, red eyed, fire demon runt had the audacity in that moment to fuss and blink up at her. His eyes met hers and she felt her heart melt, if only for a moment. She felt one tear crystallize and slide down her face. Her heart melted in that second and her revulsion change to love for her child in one instant. Koji...
She felt a torrent of emotions fighting to wash over her, but she froze herself, holding them back. She was an ice maiden. Feelings needed to be locked away. Emotions led to desire and desire could lead to wanting men again. Men were a curse on the world, bringing violence and terror and everything wrong with the world. Or so she told herself, like she had told herself growing up. The way her mother and older sisters had told her. She had to hold her emotions back.
Hiei... Izo's father, would not let her though. He pushed her, subtly threatening her, and made her face her emotions. She could not hold back the tidal wave of feeling roaring in her mind. She broke, letting them wash over her, threatening to drown her in a never ceasing tide.
After the first and most intense wave of emotions overwhelmed her at the hospital, she felt like she was drowning in them. She survived that near drowning, but when they got back to the castle in Alaric, more emotional waves washed over her.
And yet Izo, this ice knight, and his family cared for her. His mother, the odd but pleasantly smelling human, would come to her room at least three times a day to try to coax her to eat, to shower, to speak with her, tell her of her son, and even told her she was trying to invent a pair of gloves that would allow her to speak when she signed in the sign language she and Izo had created together. In the mean time, Nanashi also tried to get her to write what she needed or wanted, but it pained Kotone to admit and finally manage to explain to her that she could not read nor write... Nanashi seemed like she was more ashamed when she realized that.
Weeks had passed with her in the castle and she hardly found the energy to do much of anything. She only saw Koji when Izo brought him to her when she asked him to. Most days she did not ask for him. Yet anything she did ask for, someone brought her. It was not fair and she did not deserve it. It made her almost angry with them all. The day before, she had snapped at Izo, asking why he bothered with her. The ice knight in him only looked wounded at her reaction.
Nanashi had been in with her earlier, managing to convince her to shower, but little else. She was worn out from just that. Nanashi tried to convince her to eat, but she was too tired to eat much more than a few bites of toast.
When Izo came into her room a little later, Kotone was laying on her bed, the same way she had been when Nanashi had left her early. She pushed herself to sit up for him. She did not look at him, even as he sat down next to her.
'Kotone,' he signed her name. She saw it out of the corner of her eye. She nodded over to him, making herself look up at him. 'How are you feeling?'
She shrugged. She had not cried yet today, but that did not keep her from feeling grief and morose.
'Are you hungry?' he signed to her. He could speak, and yet when it was just the two of them, he almost always only signed. He almost always only signed when they were one on one. Well intentioned ice knight.
She shook her head. 'I ate earlier,' she signed halfheartedly, thinking of the few bites of toast she had. She could not remember the last time she felt hungry. Why did he have to be so nice...?
She studied him, noticing he looked flustered. This was first time he seemed that way around her since they got back to the castle after Koji was born. Had he finally clued in that she was not worth the trouble he and his family had gone through?
'Mother,' he signed, but then stopped and dropped his hands. He looked at them, as if unsure what to do with them. She felt fear cut through her. He was going to tell her that Nanashi had decided to make her leave. Was fed up with her inability to take care of herself in her sorry state. Kotone never thought she would be the one to make that call.
He looked back over at Kotone. 'Mother asked me to try something,' he signed. 'Something she says I can do, but...' he sighed, not sure how to sign something. He usually resorted to spelling out words when he hit this point. He was spelling now, which took concentration to catch. 'She said I can heal away most of your depression. That I did it for her once. That I should do it for you. But I don't remember ever doing it before.'
She understood enough of his signing, but did not understand his meaning. Few of her sisters had been healers, but none had been as talented as Izo was. So maybe he could do what his mother was claiming after all.
She swallowed, thinking about what it would mean if he healed her from her depression, like he said his mother thought he could. She wanted it, almost fiercely desiring it immediately. A means to end her constant of misery... It was a strong emotion washing over her, the first time that feeling had come over her sense her emotional thaw. She gasped at it, hand coming to her chest.
'What's wrong?' his hands flashed.
'Try,' she signed rapidly. 'Please.'
He blinked over at her, studying her face with a look that seem want to know her every secret. He reached over cautiously, bringing her hand down from her chest with his left hand and then bringing his right palm down on the middle of her chest where her hand had been. His face flushed scarlet and he did not look at her. Innocent still in one chivalrous way. A knight of ice...
He would not meet her eyes. She felt him begin to push healing energy into her chest. He had healed her before, but this time it felt different. This healing seemed to wash away the sorrow, replacing with fight, grit, and determination; the desire to put her grieving for her old life and the life she might have had behind her and begin again. Seek to restart her life, to be a better person. She closed her eyes. She clasped her hands tightly down upon his wrist so he would not stop. She panted as these newly felt and strong emotions washed over her, but she embraced them like a life saver in a storm at sea.
When she felt like every bit of sorrow had been banished from within her, she let his wrist go. She looked over at him shyly. He was panting and looked like he was sweating a little bit from exertion.
'I don't...' she started to sign. Even her hands felt like they had renewed vigor. 'I don't deserve that.'
He said and signed nothing, but just smiled at her with a longing look in his eyes. He loved her, the foolish ice knight.
When her stomach let loose a loud growl, she laughed for the first time in a long time. He laughed with her.