AN: Writing this chapter was much harder than I thought it would be and that explains the long wait. I'm not sure I'm entirely satisfied with this, but I'm also out of ideas to make it better, so this is it.
And as always your feedback is much appreciated.
L.
***SVU***
6.19 Intoxicating
They were handling what Elliot called a Romeo and Juliet case, except Romeo is 21, Juliet is 15 and apparently Juliet killed her own mother. Adding the interesting turn their statutory rape case took and the way suspects escaped – it was one hell of a case. Just when things couldn't get any worse, comes out the mother was also invested in drinking, which blew everything, specially for Olivia, who started putting pieces together, blaming herself for not seeing this before. She should have seen the signs, since she saw a lot of herself in that young Juliet. But this kind of things becomes real, when she has seen it herself, so she went back to the crime scene to prove, that she had mistaken.
That's exactly, where Elliot found her. Bottles on the counter and Olivia somewhat proud of herself, but of course she knew where to look. She had found her mother's bottles all the time. Elliot looked at her with concern, this case was becoming a nightmare for her and he was grateful, that Melinda had called him.
"Why'd you come here?" he asked, standing by the counter, looking at her back.
"Find out what else I was wrong about," she said, staring at the bottles in front of her.
Elliot threaded carefully, slowly closing the distance until he was right behind her. She didn't pull away or try to escape, when he hugged her from behind.
"Liv, it's not your fault. You are not psychic," he whispered to her ear.
She nodded. It's not her fault, but she should have seen it. She had lived the life too, and to think the signs were right there from the moment she made a scene in the squadroom. Everything was right in front of her, and she didn't see it. She felt responsible, she felt guilty. The guilt complex was part of her and apparently also part of him.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
"Yeah," she said quietly.
"This case is taking it's toll on you. Listen, I can talk to Cragen, he'll send you home. We can handle this without you," Elliot said with concern in his voice.
"No, I'm fine. I can work this," she said in protest.
"No-one would look you any different," he said.
"Elliot, I'm not taking myself off this case," Olivia was firm.
"Okay," Elliot replied, knowing she had made up her mind and nothing he'll say can change her mind.
"It's just looking Carrie is just like looking in the mirror and I didn't see it. All this time she was trying to get me to help her and instead I treated her like a cold-blooded killer," Olivia confessed.
He stayed silent for a moment. Yes, he was aware of Serena Benson's habits, but she never talked about her, so he didn't really know anything about the time she was growing up, but then again she didn't know about his mother either.
"You know beating yourself up over it won't change anything. Carrie killed her mother, she dug this hole for herself, not you," Elliot reasoned.
"I had the chance to help her and I failed. This is partly on me," she argued back.
"You know it's not true," Elliot said simply.
"We have to work," Olivia said finally, silently begging him to drop the subject.
Elliot nod, placed a kiss in her hair and walked away from the embrace. As they searched the apartment he found birth control pills, making their case.
Olivia ended confronting Carrie about the pills and forcing the truth out of her, everything about the drinking, bringing back a lot of painful memories. She could see herself in Carrie's position – wanting to kill her mother, except Olivia never got that far and drinking eventually killed Serena Benson anyway. She ended up asking Casey to plead her out and telling her friend about her mother's abuse. It was sort of happy ending for all of them, considering the charges and circumstances.
***SVU***
Elliot was slouched over her couch with his feet up on table, when Olivia finally got home. She sent him a weak smile before taking off her jacket and sitting down right next to him. She snuggled into his side, welcoming his hands around her.
"Wanna talk about it?" he asked.
"About what?" Olivia asked.
"Your mother," Elliot replied.
Olivia sent him a puzzled look, raising her eyebrow.
"Casey called, suggested that you might need some comfort today," he explained simply.
"Of course," Olivia said with a sigh.
"So, you wanna talk about it? You know, you can't scare me away," he asked, trying to get her open up.
"You didn't kill your mother."
"I know what it's like to want to."
"If you talked to Casey, then you already know," Olivia said, putting up her walls.
"She didn't say anything. Just suggested I talk to you. She seemed worried about you and who better to vent to than your partner," Elliot said honestly, Casey didn't say any specifics. She just strongly suggested that he went to see her. In his opinion their ADA seemed genuinely worried about Olivia and she was smart enough to know, that Elliot could get to her, when no-one else could.
"My mother was a drunk. There's nothing more to say," Olivia said quickly.
"Okay," Elliot accepted her unwillingness to talk for the moment; she'll talk, when she's ready.
He kissed her temple, when silence took over. She shifted, getting more comfortable with her head on his shoulder and her hand resting on his chest, just above his heart, wondering what her mother would think about it.
"I'll never let anyone else have you."
She couldn't help but wonder, if her insecurities will drive Elliot away just like she had managed to drive everybody else away. She kept on thinking how true her mother's statement was – scars her mother had left, were almost always reason people faded from her life. Even becoming an SVU detective was because of her – the second major thing directing potential boyfriends in the opposite direction. Only time will tell if Elliot is just another stop in the way and if she ever manages to settle down and have a family of her own.
"I met Simone Bryce, when I was 16. I was seeing one of my mother's student and he asked me to marry him, I said yes. When I told my mother, she was in rage. She had already finished half of her vodka and she dropped it. It shattered all over the floor, but she picked up a jagged edge, coming towards me. She was screaming that she'll never let anyone else have me. I kicked her, hard, and then I kicked her again. She flew to the floor and slid down, she was unconscious. That was the first time I hurt her. I ran out, I was so afraid. Then I called Simone Brice, she was a law student and she helped me survive it. She helped me avoid hard charges and possible jail time. She helped me survive my mother's alcoholism," Olivia said, telling the same story she told Casey before.
"I'm so sorry, Liv," he said sincerely, wrapping another hand around her, holding her tightly against him. Apparently there were a lot of things about the time she was growing up, he wasn't entirely sure he really wants to know all about it, but when she's ready to talk, he'll listen.
"She was the first person I told about the abuse. Just like Carrie. You know, everything becomes real the moment you talk about it, until then you can pretend that it's not happening," Olivia continued.
"Liv, I'm so sorry you had to survive it, all I can do is to promise it won't happen ever again. I will protect you," he promised.
"The night you came here drunk brought back so many memories of my mother. That's why I kicked you out, I couldn't handle this. I shouldn't have done it, El, I'm sorry for that," Olivia confessed.
"Shh, it's okay. I understand. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come here that night. I shouldn't have put you in this situation," Elliot said soothingly.
Olivia nod, agreeing and accepting that mistakes were made that night, but hopefully they can put it behind them for now.
"Do you feel the same about us?" he asked.
Olivia didn't answer, instead waiting for him to explain, what he means and he did.
"About telling people, so then it becomes real and until that we can pretend it's not," he said.
"I don't know. I just wanna be sure about this. I don't want you to regret me. Maybe I'm scared, I don't know. Maybe I'm scared, that when this becomes known, we can't handle it anymore. I'm not sure you can handle me," Olivia confessed.
"Honey, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I want this to work. I'll be here, no matter what you say or do. I'm not letting you go, ever," he said softly, trying to prove his point and give her some security.
"I love you," she said quietly after a brief moment of silence.
"I love you too," he replied with a smile.
She lifted her head from his shoulder and pressed her lips to his.
"We'll figure out a way to tell others about it, when time is right," she said, knowing the secret will come out eventually.
"I know," he agreed.
Olivia pulled away from his embrace to reach for the remote. She flicked the TV on and started going through channels to find something interesting. She was satisfied, when "Friends" came and relaxed back at Elliot's side. He accepted her instantly, taking her back into his arms. His had his left hand around her protectively, tracing circles with his fingers on her shoulder, while the other one rested above hers on his chest.
"Elliot, I'm gonna go ahead and say, that I wanna take this slow," Olivia said.
"We'll just lie back and see, how this goes," he replied.
Olivia made a sound at the back of her throat.
"This feels so good," she said, referring to their current situation.
"This is something I'd love to come home to," he agreed.
Olivia simply shifted herself, angling her head, so she head better view on the TV screen.
"Liv, next time we have a night off, we should go out on a date," he suggested.
"Last time you said that, you wanted me on my back," Olivia said, remembering his birthday.
"Well, all places were closed, so we didn't have many options, but I didn't hear you complaining," Elliot smirked.
"Yeah, there was that," Olivia said.
"But seriously. I think I should take you out on a date. So you can wear some fancy dress and I can put on nice suit. And we can pretend, that we are just regular people having dinner on their first date," Elliot said, already picturing it in his mind.
"You're right. We should do it," Olivia agreed.
"And afterwards, I can take you home. You can ask me inside for a coffee and then one things leads to another and…" Elliot said suggestively, until Olivia stopped him and put her hand over his mouth.
"I got it, thanks. But if we were to act our first date, then things won't lead to another. Told you that's not what I do on first dates," She said with a smirk.
Elliot kissed her hand covering his mouth. She pulled her hand away and put it back on his chest. He removed his from her shoulder and let it move to her head, running his fingers in her light brown hair.
"Well, I do hope to be your last first date, so you can break the pattern and just for the record – we kind of had our real first date or something after ending up in bed. I think those social norms are already out of the window," Elliot said mischievously.
"And you just keep on reminding it," she deadpanned.
"Well, since it was one of the best night I've had, I'm not going to forget it and to make sure you haven't forgotten it either, I just have to keep on reminding you," he said, images of the night flashing in his mind.
"Oh, El, trust me I wouldn't forget it, even if I tried," Olivia assured him.
"Good," was his only response with a huge smile of satisfaction plastered on his face.
"Don't be so proud of yourself, boy, I just had a long dry spell before, its' not like I have that much time to date or sleep around for that matter," Olivia said in an attempt to lower his enormous ego.
"That's what you keep telling yourself, but both of us know, that it was the fuck of your life, I mean the way you screamed for me – not every man can do that to you," he said, brushing off her attempted insult and stroking his ego along the way.
Olivia covered her mouth again with her hand, having heard enough. "New topic please," she requested silently, letting him know that she was done discussing that night leading to everything else.
He nod and focused on her hair, pulling it lightly. She took her hand away from his mouth, placing it on his neck, feeling the pulse point there.
"Good to see your hair growing out," he commented, missing those long black curls she had, when she first started at SVU.
"I'm thinking about maybe cutting them, they are growing out again," she confessed.
"Don't," he said firmly.
"I'll take your opinion into consideration, but I make no promises," Olivia smirked.
They enjoyed the rest of the episode in silence, sharing only occasional laughs.
"El, I need to get up," she said quietly.
"No, I can't let you do it," he said sheepishly.
"No, El, we need to get up," she said, ignoring him.
"But I don't wanna let you go," he argued back.
Olivia moved her head on his shoulder, burying it against his neck. She kissed his soft skin and he let out a groan. Elliot kissed the top of her head, tightened his hold on her as to prove his point of not letting her go.
"Elliot, I might fall asleep on you if I don't get up now," she confessed.
"That might not be a bad thing, considering that this is how everything started," Elliot reminded her, earning a slap on his chest from her. "What?" he protested.
"Everything started, because you showed up at my doorstep looking for hot night and I found out of reasons to say no," Olivia said her version.
"If you say so," Elliot said, not wanting to discuss the beginning, if future was right in front of them.
"And we are done discussing this topic for now. Actually we are not discussing this ever again," Olivia decided.
She used all of her willpower to push herself up and leave Elliot's warm body, he protested and flipped his feet down from the coffee table. Olivia brought her hands up to her face and rubbed her eyes and ran her fingers through her hair, pushing it back.
As Elliot decided he was not satisfied with the current events, he grabbed her shoulders and pulled her right back, causing her to shriek in surprise. She found herself back in Elliot's embrace, but she knew she had to leave it, otherwise she really would fall asleep on him and they both will probably end up regretting it in the morning, because the couch was not the most comfortable place to sleep.
"I love the feeling of you sleeping on me," he whispered.
"No, El, we have to work tomorrow and I need a good night sleep," Olivia fought back, once again escaping from his embrace, but this time getting up and standing in safe distance from him.
Elliot calculated his options, and realized, that maybe he should accept her decision, but still he kept on looking at her with the best puppy eyes he could manage, though it didn't matter much as she had her back at him.
Without saying anything further, she left the living room, and he heard her entering the bathroom, probably to brush her teeth and maybe take a shower, though she liked to shower in the mornings. He was right, when he heard her exit the bathroom mere 5 minutes later and flicked on the bedroom light, but she turned it off again after a moment.
Elliot had a long debate with himself. He wasn't tired yet, and he had court the next day, so he didn't have to go in at 6 am, like Olivia. He focused back on the TV, where another show was running, but due to his hectic work schedule, he really didn't have time to watch TV that often and so he couldn't make out the name of the program.
He flicked the channels and found a football game on, which he decided to watch. He remembered the beers he had bought some days ago and decided to have one. He took one beer and removed the cap, then settled back on the couch.
He took a sip of beer and felt the need to spit it out, still he didn't but forced it down his throat. Elliot kept on watching the game, but refused to touch his beer again. Olivia probably didn't appreciate if he smelled like beer, especially after her childhood memories of alcoholic mother were ripped open.
After awhile he decided that he didn't want to watch the game anymore, so he turned off the TV. Getting up, he first poured the beer down the kitchen sink. He flicked off the lights as he entered the bathroom to brush his teeth and take a shower, because unlike Olivia he preferred to shower in the night.
Afterwards he dried himself and quietly sneaked into the bedroom. He smiled at the sight of Olivia curled up in a ball, presumably sleeping. He put on his pajama pants and joined her under the sheets. He snuggled to her, hugging her from behind, pulling her back against his bare chest and letting his hand hang loosely around her. He knew, that she wasn't asleep yet by the way she responded to him. He buried his nose in her hair, enjoying the faint smell of conditioner, her hair released.
"Promise me you won't let me end up like my mother," she said halfway asleep.
"I promise," he said, sincerely meaning it and tightened his hand around her to prove his point, though he wasn't entirely sure if she meant her mother alcoholism or becoming a single mother or just whole thing, he could promise her, as well as himself, not to let her go and not to let her destroy herself. That he could do.
Elliot realized how tired he really was, when he closed his eyes. He pressed his lips to the back of her head, letting them linger before he pulled his head away and put it back on the pillow by her side. Didn't take long before he let sleep claim him.