AN: And yet again I couldn't get to this sooner. Even though I had some of it planned out for awhile, actually writing it was so much harder. Also this was written in pieces and then put together, so at times it might be a little confusing, but after rounds and rounds of editing I realized that this will have to do..
On the bright side this is becoming my most popular story, based on the alerts, favs and reviews, though there is obvious receding trend happening... Hope it's not a bad sign, because it already is the longest story I've written.
Well, I do hope that you like it. And your opinion is widely appreciated.
Also probably this ~20 days will continue to be the time between updates, though I'll try to be better and write more often, can't make any promises. And also heads up - my tough exam period started weeks (months) ago, and will end with February, so this time I might take longer - school still comes first.
L.
***SVU***
7.14 Taboo
"I don't wanna see either of you in this office before Monday," Cragen said after accepting two files from his detectives.
Elliot and Olivia exchanged a look, smile appearing on both of their faces, while their hands touched discretely, but the contact was firm, short, but the same meaningfull.
"You won't," Elliot replied with a smirk.
"Absolutely not," Olivia agreed.
"Good," Cragen replied with a smile, "Now get out of here."
Olivia and Elliot obliged, Elliot opened the door for Olivia, but before they could get out of the office, they were stopped.
"You two are still on call, but until then get some rest and enjoy your weekend, you've deserved it," Cragen added.
Both of the detectives gave their Captain a nod and left like they originally intended to. They quickly grabbed their belongings, turned off the computers and off they went.
Elliot grabbed her hand before they got to the elevator, getting a curious look from Olivia, but she accepted his hand in hers.
"What?" he asked.
Olivia shook her head, indicating nothing was wrong.
"We're off duty at this moment, we're out of the squad room and right now you are not my partner, you are my girlfriend. We're not breaking any rules, so I see nothing wrong with holding your hand," Elliot explained before she could come out with some idiotic reason about his action.
"I didn't say anything," Olivia said calmly and pressed the button for an elevator.
"But you were thinking about it," Elliot said knowingly – he was getting really good at reading her mind, but the same she probably knew his thoughts before he even had them.
Olivia glared at Elliot and pulled him in the elevator with her. They went to stand at the back, side by side and Olivia let her head rest on his shoulder.
"Oh, I can't wait to get home," he said after elevator doors closed and they were truly alone.
"I know," she said and closed her eyes in tiredness.
They got out of the elevator, greeted some acquaintances on their way and then Elliot drove them home to her place, which could now be called their place, because Elliot moved in about a month ago.
"Wonder if it's possible to sleep the whole weekend and do nothing else?" Olivia asked, when they reached the apartment door.
"Might be possible, but I don't see that happening," Elliot said took out his keys, unlocking it, but stopped her from entering and put her mouth close to her ear, "I like you in bed, but that does not involve sleeping," he added, making his intentions clear.
Olivia laughed and got inside with Elliot right behind her. Both of them took off their coats and boots, placed guns and badges on the counter, where they also placed their keys.
Elliot went to the fridge and opened it, but he was not pleased with the sight.
"The fridge is empty," he announced.
"Was it my turn to buy groceries?" Olivia asked, trying to remember, when she last bought them.
"I don't know. Maybe," Elliot replied.
He drank orange juice out of carton, threw the empty box away and went to look, where Olivia had disappeared. He found her in bed, lying on the covers, still wearing her work outfit, but her eyes were shut.
Elliot collapsed by her side, and at this moment he felt in heaven.
"I'm too tired to take my clothes off," Olivia said through yawn.
"Even I'm too tired to undress you," Elliot replied, causing both of them to smile for a short moment.
He turned off the bedside lamp leaving them in the darkness and rolled to her and placed his head on her breasts, his arms around her.
"Let's sleep, I'll undress you in the morning," he decided.
Olivia mumbled something in agreement, before both of them were fast asleep.
***SVU***
Elliot woke up before Olivia for a change. She was still sleeping peacefully, not giving any reaction, when he moved and changed his position. He tried to fall back asleep and wait until she wakes, but he was more alert with every passing second, so he decided to wake her up.
He kissed her chest through the shirt and moved upwards, finally getting a reaction from her, when he reached her neck, and he kept on going, finally kissing her lips. She took a moment before responding, but finally she did.
"Good morning," he said.
"Morning," she replied.
"Promised to undress you in the morning, and I'm planning on doing that just now," he said mischievously, his intentions clear and letting her know about them too.
Olivia smiled and finally opened her eyes and found his immediately. She placed her hands on his shoulders and pushed his jacked off, then took his tie over his head and unbuttoned his shirt. She lifted her head and kissed him hungrily.
"We're not leaving the bed today," she said after pulling apart.
"Couldn't agree more," he replied, his hands already working on her shirt buttons.
They took their time undressing each other, taking breaks to appreciate and salvage the moment, so they could make the best of their long weekend – something they hadn't had in awhile.
Their foreplay lasted longer than either of them was used to, but they weren't complaining – it's always good to explore other possibilities and widen the perimeter.
"I just love the feeling of having you underneath me," Elliot said, fully enjoying the view and the feeling.
"You fit on top of me perfectly," she replied and winked.
"Oh, I sure do," he said, "Who would have thought that Olivia Benson, who loves having control over everything, always the full picture and complete control over every aspect of the case, lets a man take control in the bedroom."
"Even I can't be on top of everything," she replied and rolled her eyes.
"Oh, I'm liking it," he smirked and attacked her neck, while his fingers teased her. He knew she was ready for him awhile ago, but still he wasn't ready to give it up just yet – Elliot was enjoying this too much.
Olivia wriggled and tried to force the contact between their most sensitive places, but he was managed to make all of her efforts unsuccessful.
"El, if you keep on playing this, you will lose your power in the bedroom too," Olivia threatened.
"As you wish," he said and pushed himself all the way in.
After a moment of adjustment, he started moving slowly, Olivia meeting each thrust with her hips and arching her back.
"Oh, just keep doing that," she moaned, and Elliot complied with his slow thrusts. He latched his mouth to the skin just above her breasts and made sure to mark her.
"God, El. I'm so fucking close," she said, and urgently met him halfway, her heels on her bottom pressing hard against him to force his movements.
"Then let it go, Liv," he said, picking up the pace.
Elliot enveloped her in his arms, pressed his lips to hers and thrust in her, driving her over the edge. She shouted out his name, followed by her name leaving his lips, when he fell over the edge emptying himself inside of her.
He collapsed on top of her, his grip still strong on her and panted into her ear.
"You're fucking amazing," he said, though his labored breathing.
"So are you Stabler," she returned the praise.
He pulled out of her, but didn't move away, instead he left some open mouthed kisses along her neck and jaw, lazily tasting her post-climax skin.
"Again, Stabler?" she asked.
"Oh, gotta make up for all the orgasms you missed during this horrendous week," he said seductively, knowing exactly what he was planning on doing this whole day.
"Oh, I love you," she said joyfully.
"Right back at ya," he replied and moved his hand downward along her body appreciating every curve he met along.
He started slowly teasing her clit, threading warily, because he knew she'll still be over-sensitive there, and he was not planning on hurting her in any way.
Their peace was broken by a cell phone ringing on the bedside table.
"We have the weekend off," Elliot whined.
Olivia stretched herself, trying to reach the phone, but Elliot grabbed her hand roughly.
"Don't answer it," he said.
"It's Captain, I have to," she said and broke her hand free, grabbed the phone and looked at Cragen's name flashing on her screen.
Olivia covered Elliot's mouth with her free hand and answered it.
"Benson," she said.
"Olivia, I know I gave you the weekend off, but we just caught a case. A newborn was dumped into trash, Munch and Fin are already on scene, so take Elliot and go to Bellevue to see how the baby's doing," Cragen ordered.
"We're on the way," Olivia said in defeat – she was not arguing the Captain, because it's not acceptable.
"I'm sorry about your weekend," Cragen said, feeling bad.
"Yeah," Olivia replied and hang up.
She threw the phone on the other side of bed, where it fell to the ground.
"We have to go to Bellevue, a newborn was taken out with trash," Olivia explained.
Elliot lowered his head and rolled away from her.
"Guess our freedom had lasted too long already," Elliot said.
Olivia nod.
Both of them got up from the bed and started their morning procedures for the day.
***SVU***
Olivia couldn't believe what she was hearing – how could anyone throw away perfectly healthy baby. She barely registered, what the doctor was saying, except that the baby was okay. She did watch the baby intensely, wondering if she'll ever have on her own and the same she kept on looking at Elliot, trying to figure out if he was thinking about the same thing.
Elliot instantly went to the baby, and put his hand inside the incubator, taking the baby's hand in his and a little smile appeared on his face. He'd almost forgotten how small they were.
"Welcome to the world, little tough guy," he said to the crying baby.
Olivia's phone rang and she excused herself. She came back some moments later to see Elliot still holding the baby's hand and looking at him intensely.
"That's O'Halloran, he wants us on the scene," Olivia announced.
"I'm gonna stay here for a little while, you go," Elliot replied, but didn't turn his eyes from the baby.
"Okay," Olivia said before leaving. Yeah, she couldn't stay in the room for too long before wanting one so much.
So she left.
They made some progress, but in the end they came up empty. The crime lab was still working and so they decided to call it a night, but had a plan to check up on all the Drunken Einsteins, that could be their perp.
Elliot wasn't home, when Olivia got there, and she didn't hear him coming too before falling asleep, so she just assumed that he'd come later or sleep in the precinct or he went to see his kids.
***SVU***
The next day Olivia got lucky and they got a suspect. She met Elliot in precinct, when she got back, but he was barely registering her presence. And Olivia didn't push it, she knew it's Elliot's weekend with the kids, but he's stuck here.
"We got an interrogation," Olivia said to him, when she came to collect her case file.
Elliot nod briefly, but didn't follow her right away. He joined her later, and totally lost his temper at their suspect. So Cragen had to call them out.
"Liv, Elliot, can I see you a second?" he asked from the doorway.
Olivia looked at Elliot intensely, when he kept on staring at Ella and then moved away, Olivia right behind her, while they got to the observation room and closed the door behind them. Elliot went to sit on the chair by the wall, trying to compose himself.
"I don't see her lawyering up," Olivia said, reasoning with the Captain.
"Interrogation 101, overcoming resistance through compassion," Cragen said directly to Elliot, ignoring Olivia, who was between looking the floor and her Elliot.
"I can't," Eliot said roughly, "Not with this one."
Olivia knew the pressure Elliot was under, she knew the case was hitting hard and she just remembered that it's Saturday.
"It's Saturday," Olivia said and turned away to look at their suspect through the glass, giving Cragen and Elliot some privacy, but she did turn around to look at her coworkers.
"Holding that kid, she just…," Elliot started, shook his head, while he was looking for the right word, "Threw away," he finished.
"The kids are still with Kathy," Cragen said, realizing what Olivia said before about Saturday.
Elliot nod.
"It's my weekend, and the day's half gone. I'm still here," Elliot explained.
Olivia looked at Elliot, seeing how much pain it caused him and she just knew, that working this case with him is gonna hard on both of them, and she really wanted not to be around him during the case. And now realizing, that he has kids he wants to see, but none of them is hers; she just wanted him not around anymore.
"Look, captain," she said, coming to stand beside her boss, "DNA's gonna close the case on this one," she explained and nod silently saying: "Just send him home."
"Go on, be with your kids," Cragen decided after quickly examining Olivia's face, which clearly indicated that he should send Elliot away.
Elliot nod, stood from his seat, glanced at Olivia for a moment and then left the observation room, heading to his kids.
"Munch and Fin are executing the search warrant on the dorm," Cragen explained to Olivia, while the moved towards the window.
"That should be enough for a court order to take DNA?" Olivia asked, hoping it is enough and they can close this case fast.
Cragen nod, "You just keep Ella from leaving until it comes through," he said.
Olivia nod, she understood fully the need to keep Ella here.
"And try to fix whatever damage Elliot might have done to this case already, be her ally and it would be nice to get a confession without a search warrant," Cragen added.
"I'll try, but I don't think she'll talk though," Olivia replied.
"We'll see," Cragen said shrugging his shoulders. He turned to leave, but turned around at the doorway, "Do you think sending Elliot away was the right thing?" he asked.
"It's his weekend. He wanted to go to the Zoo with his kids," Olivia said and felt a sharp pain run though her once again at the mention of his kids.
Cragen nod and left Olivia alone, but she too left the observation room to go back to Ella. She entered the room and took a seat right where she sat before.
"Manhattan institute of technology, that's impressive. You have to be a genius to get in, don't you?" Olivia said, trying to get personal with her.
"I'm on full academic scholarship," Ella said proudly.
"Wow. What's your mayor?" Olivia asked, while she casually took the pictures Elliot had thrown on the table and putting them on the other end.
"Um, environmental engineering," Ella answered.
So, what, you're a junior? Means you only have one more year to go?" Olivia asked, to what Ella simply nod, "I could understand how devastating that would be. Be so close and then... have to give it up," Olivia continued, briefly thinking about her own scare during the college time. How much she'd give to have that now…
"How much longer do I have to stay here?" Ella asked, obviously uncomfortable.
"You'd really be doing me a favor if you could just hang in a little longer," Olivia said.
She was noticing Ella freezing and sweating at the same time – she was nervous. Even though their search warrant material was ruined, the case took an interesting turn, when Ella tried to storm out with Olivia hot on her heels, but before she could, she collapsed in the elevator.
And that's how Olivia ended up in Bellevue hospital's emergency room once again, and this time getting confirmation, with a little lie, that Ella was indeed pregnant and gave birth to the little guy they found the day before. And now Ella was confessing, that she was raped, and without any hesitation Olivia believed her, and suddenly she saw a bit of herself in that little guy.
With heavy heart and flooding emotions, she went home that night. For once, she was utterly happy, that Elliot was not there, and she wasn't sure if he was coming either. Honestly, she was hoping he wouldn't.
The day had been hard enough and Olivia just wanted to curl up, fall asleep and not to think about the one thing she desired the most.
***SVU***
She didn't hear Elliot coming in, but when she woke up, Elliot was sleeping next to her. Olivia didn't wake him, instead she moved quietly and got to work early. She really wanted to look at the possible rape they had in their hands.
She tried, looking over Ella's friends, looking over hospital records, but she came out empty. But how can you investigate rape with no outcry until 9 months later? The only thing that can prove it, is DNA test on the baby.
A newspaper was thrown on her desk, so Olivia looked up to see Casey there.
"Why haven't you arrested Ella Christensen?" Casey asked.
Olivia looked at her for a moment, taken back.
"She's not going anywhere. I have a guard on her at the hospital," she said easily, "I just wanted to look into this rape allegation," Olivia explained.
"She never reported being raped," Casey argued.
"60% of rape victims don't," Olivia said.
"And a bigger percent aren't looking at attempted murder in the second degree," Casey shot back.
"Ella was traumatized," Olivia explained, having seen the situation too many times, plus she came from the same place, technically.
"Even if she was raped, it doesn't excuse trying to kill the result of it," Casey said, leaning closer to Olivia.
Casey turned her eyes down for a moment, and then looked at Olivia again. "Liv, I understand this case is hitting hard on you, but nothing excuses trying to kill your own child," she said quietly.
"I know. I'm not trying to get her off the hook, I just want to get the whole picture," Olivia said, "Beside it could change the way you charge her."
Casey pulled back and quoted the newspaper headline, "How do you think I should charge her?" she asked, not expecting a reply, because both of them knew the answer.
"Wire service picked up the story," Cragen said, coming to stand beside Casey, with both women turning their attention to him, "I just got a call from Samaritan hospital in Newark. Nurse there remembers Ella from about a year ago."
"She was raped," Olivia said knowingly.
"No," Cragen said quickly, "She had just given birth, but didn't have a newborn to show for it. They called the cops. This nutcase is a serial baby killer."
Both Olivia and Casey looked shocked at the new information. Olivia turned her look away and focused on her computer screen. How could she have been so wrong?
"And I believed her," Olivia said to herself.
"Liv, it's not something you did. She is a nutcase, but we better make sure she pays for what she did," Cragen said, "I sent Munch and Fin to talk to the detective investigating the first killing."
"Guess I'll go and arrest her," Olivia said, already standing up and ready to go.
"No, wait until she's discharged. I'll get the paperwork for arraignment done in the mean time," Casey stopped Olivia and put her hand on her shoulder momentarily, before leaving the precinct.
Olivia sat down behind her desk once more, opened the case file and looked over Ella's picture and how much she had been lying.
"Is your partner coming in today?" Cragen asked.
"I think he will, but I haven't asked him," Olivia said neutrally, somewhat hoping he won't come.
"Okay," Cragen said, he sat down on the chair by Olivia's desk, where victims usually sit, and looked at his detective intensely, "Are you okay, Olivia?"
"Yeah, I just don't like the case," Olivia replied in half-lie.
Cragen sighed.
"Liv, I know this might hit too close to home for you, so I was thinking that I could spare you this case, your partner can handle this. After all DNA will close this like you said," Cragen proposed.
"No, I can work this. I don't get to pick the victim, and if I take myself off the case, I take myself off the squad," Olivia said, "Your words, not mine."
"I trust you to handle the case, but maybe you could use some rest. After all you spent your weekend here," Cragen said.
Olivia nod, understanding what Cragen was offering, debated over accepting it or not and then came to conclusion, "I appreciate your offer, but I started with this case and I'd like to see it finished."
"Okay," Cragen replied, nod, and descended to his office with his head down – if he was being honest, then this case was hitting hard on him too.
Olivia's phone rang soon after, it was the hospital to let know that Ella was being discharged and could be taken to arraignment now. Olivia, Fin and Munch were up for it to transport Ella through crowds, who really were taken interest in the case of serial baby killer. Still Ella wasn't giving up the father of her baby, but somehow Olivia had the feeling that the father played a big part in this.
Ella was set to be remanded with bail set at 2 millions, no doubt her father will pay it in no time and Ella will be free once again to start killing another baby.
The squad room was tense afterwards with active debate.
"Her affect was flat. Almost dissociative," Huang explained.
"You think she's setting the stage for a psych defense?" Cragen asked, already thinking where it's going.
"Well, it'll be hard going if she is," Huang said.
"Because she's faking it," Olivia said coldly.
"No, because DSM4 diagnostic standards still don't exist for postpartum psychiatric illnesses," Huang started.
"Here we go again," Cragen muttered, making Olivia and Munch roll their eyes, they all knew what was coming. It's not rare for the detectives to go against Huang on some cases with possible psychiatric defense, when the detectives saw it as scam, but Huang was fast to defend the defendant.
"Many courts bar its admission," Huang started, not even giving any reaction to the captain's comment, "That's the reason why infanticide sentences vary so wildly in this country. Some women are given the death penalty, and others are given probation."
"You think postpartum depression should excuse murdering your child?" Cragen asked in disbelief.
"It's not depression. I think she's suffering from postpartum psychosis," Huang said fast.
"Giving birth made her crazy," Olivia said skeptically.
"It's a hormonal imbalance stemming from pregnancy," Huang explained, ignoring Olivia as well, "Its onset can be quick and severe. It's symptoms include agitation, hallucinations, delusions…"
"The Andrea Yates defense," Cragen interrupted, referring to similar case in Texas, where mother was in the end was acquitted by reason of insanity, postpartum psychosis to be exact.
"Look, the only thing making this girl crazy is the baby's father," Olivia said, coming back to the real question and stopping with the psych defense theories, "I don't know what part he played, but I know that he's involved."
All eyes were on her now, and in this everybody agreed – they had to find the father.
"Liv, that was Warner. She wants you to stop by the lab," Munch said, hanging up the phone.
Olivia nod and stood up, grabbing her coat.
"Liv, is Elliot coming in?" Cragen asked again.
"I don't know, haven't talked to him since yesterday. You can call him," Olivia said fast and then disappeared before Cragen could ask anything else about Elliot – she was really not in the mood to talk about him or see him.
***SVU***
She made it to Warner's in almost record time. Warner met her at the door, eager to tell the news to the detective.
"The results of maternity tests are in," she announced.
"No big surprise there," Olivia stated, thinking it is nothing.
"I was pretty surprised," Warner said to her friend and pulled up the results on the screen.
"Ella has to be the mother, right?" Olivia asked, hoping to get affirmative response.
"The DNA on the left is Ella's. Her baby boy's is on the right," Warner explained as she showed Olivia the results, "He's definitely her son."
"You had me scared for a second," Olivia said and turned to look at Melinda.
"He's too much of her son," Melinda said.
"What does that mean?" Olivia asked in confusion, but having a hunch where it's going.
"We get half of our chromosomes from our mother and half from our father," Melinda explained, "Based on this result, I expanded the testing panel to 25 markers. Compared the alleles of the mother to the offspring's. See all the overlaps?" Melinda continued as she showed Olivia the result on the screen.
Olivia had her eyes wide.
"This baby and his mother have the same father," Melinda confirmed.
Olivia stared at the results with awe, trying not to believe it, slowly she turned away from the screen to Melinda, "He's a product of incest," she said.
Melinda nod.
"The son of bitch," Olivia said, when anger came over her.
"Glad to be help," Melinda said, catching the crooked look in Olivia's face, "Hey, don't do anything stupid," she added.
"I will go and talk to them. Unbelievable," Olivia said and left the M.E.'s office.
***SVU***
The outcome of the case was unsatisfying with the father being free and Ella in mental institution, almost everybody at the SVU were not that thrilled. The question stands, that where is the justice? Incest should be a crime, specially when the daughter is being manipulated by her father and now she is punished, while nothing happens to him. It's not right.
That's why Olivia went to see Ella, because she understood her better than others in some way – she never knew her father either and was determined to find the bastard. Except Olivia wanted to put her father away for rape, while Ella was raped by her father, not that she'd ever admit it.
She walked through the halls to the room, where Ella was already waiting. She was sitting on chair by the wall, looking through the bars, when Olivia entered.
"Your father was involved somehow, wasn't her?" Olivia asked as she entered.
"No," Ella said, not looking at Olivia.
"Ella, the trial is over. Double jeopardy is in play. No matter what you tell me now, you cannot be retried for attempted murder charges. DO you understand that?" Olivia said coming closer to Ella and finally taking a seat opposite to her. This time she just wanted to know the truth, not for Ella, but for herself. Olivia needed some sort of closure with this case, because it has been a mess since it started.
Ella still refused to look at Olivia and refused to give a reply. Olivia shifted and decided to try other methods to get to Ella, so she had to open up about herself.
"You know, I never knew my father either," she said, looking down.
"What?" Ella asked and first time turned to the detective.
"I have no idea who he is, to this day," Olivia said, looking intensely at Ella and taking a break to collect her thoughts, "My mother never told me about him until…" she stopped again and looked away.
"… until after I grew up," she finished.
"Why not?" Ella asked, seemingly curious for what the detective had to say.
There was a brief, but tense silence – Ella waiting for Olivia's response and Olivia preparing herself for the wounds to be ripped open.
"I'm the product of my mother's rape," Olivia said in well practiced manner, almost like from the tape.
"Oh my God," Ella replied.
"So I think that I understand what you went through growing up," Olivia said empathetically, "I could never understand my mother's inability to love me, until after I learned the truth about myself," she continued, successfully making a bond.
"Why are you telling me this?" Ella asked suddenly.
"Because I understand…" Olivia started, "the desire to get rid of the constant reminder of your own rape. That's what I was to my own mother."
"I'm sorry," Ella said.
"That's what happened to you, isn't it?" Olivia asked getting to the point, "You just could face it."
"No, I wasn't raped," Ella said as strongly as before and stood up with her back towards Olivia, who followed her. Ella walked to the other end of the room, Olivia a little behind.
"Yes, you were," Olivia said.
"No," Ella pushed back.
"Did your father tell you to get rid of them?" Olivia pushed the topic, determined to get the truth out.
"Everett had nothing to do with it. He never even knew about it," Ella said strongly.
"He had to. He had to have helped you!" Olivia continued pushing.
"No, he didn't!" Ella shouted and turned around, "I got rid of them myself!"
Olivia stayed silent – Ella just admitted killing her babies. Which could mean just one thing…
"I just thought if I just ignored them, they'd just go away and…" Ella went on, close to crying, "and, like it never happened. But then once they were born, I couldn't ignore them, because they just kept screaming and crying and screaming and then they were…"
"That's why I threw them away," she said after a momentary pause, she was really crying now, "And then they really didn't exist anymore. And I was right all along."
"Your first baby wasn't stillborn," Olivia said after Ella's confession, Ella shook her head, confessing that she killed her first baby, "Charges were never filed on your first baby death. I'm gonna have to tell the Newark DA's office," she continued, silently hoping to get justice.
"Tell them what?" Ella asked, clueless as ever.
"That you killed your first baby, knowingly. And it's time for you to pay for your actions," Olivia said and left, she just couldn't face being in a room with Ella, who has thrown away 2 perfectly healthy babies and doesn't see that it's wrong. She doesn't see that sleeping with your own father is wrong. She sees herself as a victim of a crime, while she is the murderer, luckily the second baby is still alive, but Ella doesn't want it.
It felt like the world was against Olivia – Case after case they meet mothers, who don't want their kids; parents who abuse their kids, even kill them… And all Olivia wants is one healthy baby.
***SVU***
Olivia met Casey in the hospital, where they were going to meet with the baby and hand an injunction to Everett. Olivia shared the new information she got from Ella with the ADA.
"Will they charge her with murder?" Olivia asked.
"Not while she's in psychiatric lockup," Casey answered.
"After she's released?" Olivia asked again.
"Oh, they might," Casey said, "But they'll come up with the same verdict in Jersey that they did here."
"Place her right back to the hospital," Olivia said sadly.
Both women bushed the doors open to the hospital room, where Ella's baby was held. And there was Everett with the baby in his hands and nurse by his side.
"He's beautiful," Everett said, barely noticing Olivia and Casey entering.
"Just had his checkup. No chromosomal abnormalities," the nurse said.
Olivia and Casey stood in one place stunned for a moment. Casey gave a look at Olivia, who stepped forward.
"You hear that? You're invincible," Everett said to the baby.
"Hand me that baby," Olivia interrupted.
"He's my son," Everett said, first time turning attention to Olivia, "I'm taking custody."
"That's never gonna happen," Olivia said strongly.
"We were just finishing up the paperwork," Everett said confidently.
"We just came to serve you with an injunction barring Mr. Drake from any contact with the infant," Casey said handing over the paper.
"I can give him a home and love," Everett said in his defense, "He belongs with his father."
"But not with his grandfather," Casey snapped, "Hand the baby to detective Benson or you will be placed under arrest," she ordered.
"Hand him to me," Olivia ordered, "Now."
Unwillingly Everett gave the baby to Olivia.
"You're never getting this baby," Olivia said with hint of victory in her voice.
"We'll see," Everett said before leaving.
Olivia rocked the sleeping infant in her hands, saying that it's gonna be okay. Casey looked at her intensely, always admiring Olivia's ways with the kids. She sure was born to be a mother.
"Have you talked to Elliot?" Casey asked her friend.
"About what?" Olivia asked, her focus on the baby.
"Kids. It's obvious that you want one and you'll make a great mother," Casey elaborated.
"No," Olivia replied quickly.
"Talk to him. I can see how it's eating you from the inside," Casey suggested.
"Case, I'm scared to lose him," Olivia admitted and looked at her friend.
Casey slowly closed the distance and placed her palm comfortingly on Olivia's shoulder.
"Liv, believe me everybody was happy to see you two finally together, except for Munch maybe, because he lost the bet, but even so…" Casey started.
"There was a bet on us?" Olivia asked, surprised, "How long?"
"Of course there was. I wouldn't be surprised if it started right after you were partnered together, it was ongoing before I started anyway," Casey said.
"I'm gonna kill Munch," Olivia muttered.
"Good for you. But that's not my point," Casey said, coming back to the original topic, "We're happy that you're happy, but if at some point you head in different directions, then maybe you should discuss the matter. I know you love him and he loves you too, but don't sacrifice your dreams because of him. Besides you don't even know his response."
"He said that he'd shoot himself if Kathy got pregnant again," Olivia said, wincing at the name of Elliot's ex-wife.
"But you are not Kathy," Casey argued, "I can see that you're hurting and I don't want that, specially knowing he is part of the reason. Liv, you deserve to happy for once and you deserve someone, who will give you everything you want, whatever it might be."
"Thanks, Case. I'll talk to him, sometime, obviously," Olivia said, but she knew that this topic will not come up in near future – she wasn't ready to risk her relationship just yet.
"Don't do it for me, do it for yourself," Casey said and offered a smile, "And don't be scared. Isn't fearlessness written on your necklace?"
Olivia nod.
"Obviously that doesn't cover him," Olivia said with a hint of a smile.
Casey returned the smile, her hand around her, with palm on Olivia's shoulder, squeezing softly; her way to silently offer comfort and her support on the matter. Everybody knew Casey would be the first to jump at Elliot if something happens with Olivia.
Both of them looked at the baby boy in Olivia's arms. He really was a survivor, but lucky for him he could have a full life, and it's best for him not to grow up with his father/grandfather, because he might have a chance away from everything.
"I'm gonna have to put him away," Olivia said suddenly and flinched; Casey made room and let Olivia place the baby boy in his crib.
"You want one so bad," Casey commented, coming back to their subject.
"Yeah, more than you think, but I also want Elliot… It's just complicated," Olivia said, "I want a baby with him, but I'm scared that he doesn't and then I don't have baby or Elliot."
Casey came over and hugged Olivia, trying to comfort her friend, almost feeling the pain and inner turmoil she was having, sincerely hoping to see her at ease and get what she wants.
"You know, Elliot will do anything to make you happy," Casey whispered.
Olivia nod – she knew that, but having another kid might be too much. She couldn't help it, but she felt herself crying. But then again she had to open up about her father, which she doesn't do too often and then of course the whole case has been nerve wrecking and then there is this perfectly healthy baby, who was taken out with the trash…
Casey hugged her tightly, while Olivia cried.
They were interrupted, when someone entered; but Olivia nor Casey pulled away.
"What's wrong?" the intruder asked and also identified himself – Elliot.
Casey removed herself from Olivia and guided Elliot to take her place.
"Be good to her," she whispered and quietly exited.
Elliot instantly wrapped his hands around Olivia and held her close to him, she did the same. He didn't ask questions knowing she'll talk eventually, when she's ready.
"Take me home, El," Olivia requested after what seemed like eternity. She was no longer crying, that had died out awhile ago, but still she was gripping Elliot as he was the only thing keeping her from falling.
"Let's go," Elliot said and loosened his hold on her.
They walked through the hospital hand in hand, then Elliot drove them home with radio being the only sound to break the silence. They got to Olivia's apartment in no time and settled into their routine with Elliot warming up their leftover pizza while Olivia changed.
She appeared back in the kitchen in home attire and sat down opposite to him, both of them eating and letting silence cover the apartment.
"You wanna talk about it?" Elliot asked.
Olivia shook her head with uncertainty – she wanted to talk about it, but she didn't dare.
"Okay," Elliot accepted her unwillingness, restless, because he wanted to know, but he also knew to respect her privacy.
Olivia put her slice of pizza on the plate, pushed her hair back and shifted uncomfortably.
"The case, all the cases we have been having lately, it's like universe is telling that it's not right. People are cruel and nothing can be taken for granted. It's just a mess. There is this baby boy born of incest and yet he was still treated like trash along with his older sibling, who wasn't as lucky to stay alive. Ella could have 2 kids, no matter what they were born into, they could have had a life, but she doesn't seem to know the line between wrong and right, she doesn't get that it's wrong. She has had 2 kids without trying and those, who want one so bad, they…. just can't. It's unfair, and it sucks," Olivia rambled.
"You wanna take a couple of days? We were promised a free weekend, which we didn't have, so I'm sure Cragen could give us few days. We could drive away for awhile, relax and clear our heads," Elliot proposed, not sure how to take in her statement.
Olivia shook her head – she did want to go away with Elliot, but not while there is just one thing on her mind.
Elliot nod and wasn't even insulted by her rejection, something was bothering her and he was determined to find out what it is.
"Liv, I know you're not talking about whatever it is bothering you, but I don't know how to be here, if I don't know what I'm dealing with. We're in this together and whatever it is, I'm sure we can work this out," Elliot said and grabbed her hand on the table, holding it in his and running his thumb on the back of her hand.
Olivia kept on staring the pizza slice in front of her, trying to figure out her reply and she was almost there to tell him about her desires, but something stopped her. She realized that this could be it… It felt like all or nothing situation, and she knew that she couldn't lose him – she wouldn't survive it now, and there was a greater chance of him leaving than staying. So she stayed quiet, she chose not to give him any answer at all, because she wasn't ready and she will continue to ignore the subject until she is ready to face the possibility of losing him.
Elliot wasn't sure how to take her silence, truth to be told he was scared. He was scared that she was going to leave him for some weird reason, and so he was scared. Her unwillingness to pursue to matter was a bad sign, but then again it's possible to ignore the matter if it's not spoken.
"Are you okay?" he asked softly, drifting from the original subject, but he needed to know at least that much – know what he was dealing with.
This time Olivia nod.
"I'm tired. I'm gonna take a shower and then go to bed," Olivia announced, took her hand from his and left the kitchen.
Elliot didn't move, even his hand was still on the table, where hers was just moments ago. If only he could read her mind…
He stayed out of the bedroom for a long time – he was not yet tired, so he settled for watching some movie on TV and only when his eyes weren't staying open anymore he joined Olivia in deep slumber. Except Olivia was once again restless in her sleep, though she wasn't tossing and turning, her usual ramble was distraught and obviously not belonging to a pleasant dream.
He could barely make out few words, but it seemed to be similar to the one she had months ago, when Olivia had to go undercover as Rachel in speed dating event.
"I can give up kids, but I can't give up you."
It rang in his ears, because it seemed so out of context at the time, but once again it came to his mind. He also remembered himself saying once that if Kathy got pregnant again, then he'd shoot himself… Of course Olivia wanted to have kids, she'd make a great mother, there is no question there. Elliot on the other hand already has 4 kids with Kathy, luckily they have accepted his new relationship, but having another sibling… Of course he'd love to have a baby with Olivia, but there is just too much other factors to take into account. And for obvious reasons it's different with her than it was with his ex-wife.
He pulled Olivia into his arms and tried to calm her down, which seemed to be a success since her ramble stopped and was replaced with an evened breathing in now silent bedroom.
As he let his fingers run on her back over the soft material of her shirt, he kept on thinking if her distance and unwillingness to talk was all because she wanted to have kids, but he had told her before that he doesn't, though his statement was not about her and it was said long before he ended up with her.
That could also explain the case hitting her harder this time – there was a little kid involved, or maybe because she could see a little of herself in Ella and in that baby boy…
Maybe all of this put together was the cause for her stress, and even though he couldn't help with the cases he couldn't stop thinking that Olivia is hurting and all because of him. And that's one thing he'll never forgive himself, he never meant to hurt her.
Now all he had to figure out what to do with the newfound information, perhaps wait until she brings it up, if she does open up at all.
He didn't know what he'd say, all he knew was that he'd do anything to make her happy, because it is fair for both of them to be happy, otherwise he'll lose her and that is the last thing he wants.