watch?v=us5MGEL5W34
Wowowowow it has been a while. The follow up to the last chapter is still in production, give us about a year and some change pls. This is somewhere in the convuluted shitshow that is the SS timeline, all you need to know is WELCOME TO THE CHRISTMAS SPECIAL.
Yang hadn't visited her sister and step sister in like… idk a year or whatever. She had to get through customs, and that's a bitch and a half. Plus she was banned from international travel for like 2 years because of a certain… """incident""" at the white house. That was in the past, which was behind her...hopefully. Now she was here, at her sister's mega palace. It was a palace made out of smaller palaces, quite beautiful. Her sister didn't make nearly enough money to live here, well she kinda did but Winter controls all her assets. Rose was flat broke, Winter on the other hand had a controlling share of the Schnee Dust Company, and the Schnee Dust Company kind of owned the world. Some Scrouge McDuck McDickin' is given out in that house, if reports from Rose were to be believed. Money pools were just lying around, sometimes Rose would """pick up""" poor people and just let them loose in the money pools. Then all of them would disappear… Rose might be a serial killer.
Neo walked in front of Yang, and went to go ring the doorbell at the giant ass gates, when out of the bushes sprung an aging man. This man sported a 13 inch erection, displayed proudly through a hole in his pants. Yang paused for a second, confused by the display.
"Ah, we've been expecting you" the man said, his 15 inch dick jiggling a little as he spoke.
"We?" Yang queried trying not to stare at the 18 inches of dong gently waving in the breeze.
"Ah, yes, me and madam Rose."
Yang nodded, made total sense, the butler motioned for them to follow him, his 20 inch dick flopping around as he walked.
"Why, uh, why is your baby batter stick just, uh, kinda hanging out?" Yang asked, confused as to why he needed to display his 22 inch erection.
"My shame stick is on display because I put it into the wrong bearded cave of wonders when I was but a lad and am now being punished for my promiscuity." He paused, "Your sister hired me to, quote 'scare off thieves' she read it in a book somewhere," as he turned around to face Yang, his 25 inch dinglewingle whipped around and smacked a comically stereotypical burglar in the face as he was emerging from the manhole.
His 29 inch meat wang jiggling, he stuck it deftly into a lock, a verrrry deep lock, opening with a satisfying click and a… vaguely salty smell. He removed his 34 inch wang, it dripping wet with what Yang hoped to lesbian Jesus was whipped cream.
"Right this way," he grabbed his 39 inch schlong and motioned toward a door at the end of a long garden with giant dicked statues.
"Yknow for a Lesbian your sister sure seems to have a lot of peni on display around the garden." Neo whispered to Yang as they followed the man with the 43 inch slab of dick protruding from what Neo now realized were assless chaps worn backwards.
"She's been this way since that whole thing in Bolivia, try not to mention it, sugarcane, or the Falklands around her." Yang said doing her best to ignore the 45 inch dick the butler had slung over his shoulder. As Neo looked around the garden she saw other odd things. Such as white stains clear up by the roof tiles, and several tables with cracks in the middle, as if something very long and heavy had been unceremoniously flopped on them in the middle of say a dispute in paid wages.
"Hey, uh, I dont believe we caught your name sir," Neo said trying to make polite conversation despite the fact that the man's 50 inch flacid memeber was making wet tracks in the path stones as it drug along.
"Oh my name! I haven't had a name in very long miss, your sister in law says 'if we start giving names to the help then they will expect paychecks and benefits, then what's next! Equal rights?! For the poors?!' She simply calls me "Biggus Dickus" I believe she stole that from a movie." Biggus Dickus explained. Neo's focus had left the conversation and she had started to take mental note of other oddities in her field of sight. A rather large sign post that simply read " I before E except after C"
"What's that weird red sign supposed to help with" Yang said noticing the same sign her fuckdoll had.
"Oh that! Master Rose had decided she needed extra income to fund her expensive taste in breast shaped explosives and Winter had told her she wouldn't pay 60$ for "tiddy grenades" anymore, she had felt it in bad taste to have the number 60 anywhere on display for it reminded her of my 60 inch member. So Master Rose had decided to "acquire" some local orphan children to run a call center for her. But the orphans never went through school so they have trouble making notations in their case files. So she posted that sign to be viewed from the dungeon- err "call center" to remind the children of how to correctly spell the word "recieve"
"And you're okay with this?" Neo inquired.
"Well I am, Master Winter claims that anyone with a 69 inch "plonker" should be, which from my knowledge is the same reason Master Rose implanted that shock collar in my neck and prostate."
"Your sister hired some 73 inch dicked mutant as a security system, to I guess prevent Child Protective Services from raiding her illegal call center run by orphans and is now preventing him from releasing the fury of that 78 inch monster by using a shock collar like he's a puppy that peed on the rug too many times?" Neo whispered to Yang.
"God no! Rose would never use a shock collar on a doggo, she has a heart y'know!" Yang said defending her mildly insane sibling.
"But orphans and Scotsmen with 82 inch dicks are fair game?" Neo asked sarcastically.
"Orphans, Scotsmen, Protestants, Talk show hosts, and Orthodox Atheists are not people in her eyes. It kinda all started after that time down south remember?" Yang said.
"Oh god don't remind me. I am never going to see clowns, midgets or bananas the same way ever again." Neo said shivering.
"And I will never set foot in the state of Louisiana again." Remarked Yang as they continued along the garden that seemed to be as long as the plot required it be.
"Ok this is getting to be Fast and Furious 6 lenghts of bullshit-ly long plot hole filled stretches of land can we shoehorn in a door here somewhere?" Said you, the reader getting increasingly fed up of this shit. "You fuckers only update this piece of shit once every blue moon and I'm going to have to wait until the next damn presidential election to get new mind fucks! So can you not waste 1200 words on some weird Scottish guy with a 90 inch dick and odd foreshadowing!" You continued oblivious to the fact that screaming at a computer in your room at 3 in the morning is only hurting your scenario. You're tragically alone, pushing 30 and still livign with your mother. You have no friends, no job, and no life and yet you are yelling at 2 idiots in their 20s trying to entertain you as best they can manage, Hey asshole, can you just shut the fuck up?
"As they walked through the entrance into the smallest sub-palace in the larger combined palace network they saw another man with no genital covering. Although this man was hung like a hamster, or more accurately he was hung like people who spend their days attempting to scam people out of Team Fortress 2 Unusuals. But what he lacked in the meat department he seemingly more than made up for in the, lets call it "syrup production units" as he had his massively sized Juice crew placed inside a shopping cart.
"Ah the guests are here. Please Madams follow me, the masters are expecting you." the new man calmly said in a cartoonishly bad *insert comedy accent here* accent
"Oh, uh, ok," Yang said stammering over her words in awe that this man had balls that rivaled the size of the tired on her monster truck.
"Bally McBallerson can lead you from here" Biggus said struggling to fit his 105 inch pizzle through the grand doorway.
"His name is Bally McBallerson?" Neo inquired.
"Yes Master Rose drew inspiration from some internet contest renaming a boat and thought it was so hilariously stupid she named her next servant after it." Remarked bally as he struggled to push his nutty shopping cart.
"Ok the dicks I got, who wouldn't be scared of a 115 inch dick? That thing could kill a horse-" Neo tried to say
"Oh believe me that 120 inch monster has killed many of the masters horses in pursuit of pleasure, He doesn't seem to understand that it will not fit inside those things. And he's never been the "just the tip" kind of person either" Bally said cutting Neo off. "He has recently had good luck using Chiuauas however. Several of them. At a time." He continued.
"I think I just vomited in my mouth a little" Said Yang after getting roughly the same mental image you just got.
"Are you sure it was the small dogs versus the 10 foot penis or as it the fact that this new butler is leaving behind pubes longer than my hair and is leaking ball sweat like my Ford leaks oil" Neo said covering her nose and mouth with a bandana that was totally there from the start and not just written in magically for the sake of ease. As they ventured through the grand halls of sub-palace A in section 3 of the Grand Schnee Palace Neo looked around and saw more of the same odd white stains and cracked furniture she had seen in the garden of plotholes.
"Say how did Winter get this palace?" Neo asked in awe of the size of the halls and arches.
"Oh, so great of you to ask. Are you familiar with the Columbian Labor strikes? Essentially Winter's grandparents """borrowed""" all the poor Colombians they could and forced them to build them this palace of palaces to have somewhere to hide from their annoying offspring." Bally explained. "But some years back her grandparents had some unfortunate accident and a new will was discovered written in crayon leaving everything to Winter. This must have been….actually it was suspiciously a few weeks after Master Rose met Master Winter. That probably means nothing." He continued.
"Jesus, how many people has Rose murdered?" Neo asked Yang quitely.
"I lost count after a few million, I'm proud of her though! She always had dreams of being the Angel of death and through hard work, dedication, and several hundred chainsaws she way surpassed that bitch." Yang said beaming with pride.
"Ah we're here!" Bally said coming to a huge set of pink double doors with Vaginas carved into them.
"Finally feels like we've been walking for 1900 words at this point." Yang said. As they walked through the doors they saw Winter and Rose arguing in the center of the room.
"Well what you gotta understand is that I didn't sink that ship, it was a coincidence that my sub was nearby the Lusitania!" Rose screamed.
"I fucking know you started World War I's escalation into a global conflict mother fucker don't lie,"
"As I said before, I just wanted to observe- oh shit guests are here,"
"What do you mean 'oh shit guests-' oh shit guests are here,"
Neo laughed nervously, apparently somehow being the only person in this room not cool with genocide, "Hi guys, nice seeing your murder mansion, er, pleasure palace, er, palace," Neo said stammering over the fact that this entire room was adorned with several thousand of the same carved genitals that were on the doors.
"Ignore her! How are you sis! I haven't seen you since that thing in Mongolia" Yang said walk opening her arms to hug Little Red Riding hood, or Little Red Drive by Shooting as the authors call her.
"Mongolia was a shit show worthy of an award, I still can't believe that those babies could organize that fast, let alone operate heavy artillery." Neo said filling the void caused because the guy who writes Rose is still reading shit.
"It was the biggest military loss Atlas has ever experienced," Winter gave off a 1000 yard stare, a look she'd perfected after having spent time with Rose.
"Y'know after that business in Ethiopia things like that no longer bother me. It was more the Armenian sailors gangfucking that preacher. That was some weird shit. I thought he hated gays." Yang said recounting the seaman sermon of semen.
"Enough of the past!" Rose said uncharacteristically cheerful, almost as if someone else is writing her to get this thing moving *cough cough*
"Ya if we sit here talking about the past all day we won't be able to get to the Christmas party!" Winter said all of the sudden equally cheerful.
"Ha ha, uh, yea I guess, kinda thought we were just gonna drink and commit more war crimes but if you two seem to have the spirit of Kris Kringle in ya what the hell let's get to it." Neo said nervous and skeptical of the overly cheerful genocidal maniacs in front of her.
"Yea where is it being held?" Yang asked vaguely worried this could turn into Dover all over again.
"This way! In the main ballroom!" Rose said as she merrily skipeed towards the doors opposite of where they entered with Winter close at hand.
"These Dykes are getting a little too cheery." Neo said weary of the sudden change in tone.
"I'm not sure, let's just go along with it," Yang said equally nervous of the obviously lazy writing.
"C'mon guys let's get to the snowy wonderland chamber!" Rose yelled cheerily skipping down a hallway towards a set of white doors.
Neo, Yang and Winter followed along. On the way they passed this small crawl space, and from beneath it the sound of little kids going "Yes, this Wawmawt? How may we hewp youuuu" could be heard, as well as clicking of keys. Neo shuddered, realizing that that was probably where they kept the orphans.
"Sometimes they try to escape, so we've made kicking the orphans in the teeth a little bit of a home grown sport" Winter commented.
The winter wonderland room was this ornate palace that looked like a snowed in scene. Rose had built snowmen with dildo noses and there was a picture of two reindeers fucking. It'd been a long time since she'd seen such a surreal winter scene, it looked right out of a movie. It was… perfect.
Nothing lasts forever, and the perfection and stillness was soon broke by the doors on the opposite end flying open, revealing an evil that hadn't been seen in quite a long time. "Ho ho ho mother fuckers, Elmo's back!" it was Elmo, his fluffy hands holding a red tommy gun, as he began to spray into the crowd.
The lesbians took cover behind a desk, "any of you have a gun?" Rose asked.
"No! I didn't think I'd need one!" Neo exclaimed.
"You don't carry a gun, honey," Yang reminded Neo.
"Oh, yeah, so I don't. Uh, what else do we have then? Rose do you have any titty grenades?"
"That'll do too much damage to the house," Rose mused.
Before the lesbians could come up with a plan they saw a 130 inch dick fly through the air and collide with Elmo sending him flying.
"Today's letter of the day is 'W' for 'What the fuck was thaaaaaaaaat?'" Elmo screamed as he flew into a snow bank.
Clad in nothing but his tuxedo top and his backward's assless chaps, Biggus Dickus stood, his 140 inch member in hand, swinging it around like a lasso. "En guard, mother fucker,"
The cast watched in awe as Biggus Dickus' member got hard again, growing to a whopping 210 inches, which he used to stab at Elmo. Elmo began evasive maneuvers, jumping around, avoiding Biggus' Dickus lunges. Dickus concentrated, and his dick retracted back to it's normal 150 inch size, where he then tied it up, swinging it like a lasso once again, catching Elmo in the lasso, and bring him down from ontop a chandelier. While Elmo was trapped, Bally came out of nowhere and dropped his nuts on Elmo, crushing the fuzzy fuck beneath it.
"Elmo will return, mark my words!" Elmo yelled, as he got turned into vapors, leaving Bally's nuts in the snow, to which they promptly shrunk up and looked… like still big but like not as big ya feel?
"Holy shit, where can I get one of those!" Yang screeched like an excitable child on Christmas morning.
"Costco, or wherever huge cocks are sold! But if you act now in the special internet offer we'll give you 2 Biggus' and the movie we stole that name from! Just pay separate shipping and handling!" Barked an oddly familiar ginger from the shadow realm Rose had banished him to while vacationing in Barcelona….good times.
"Now that that's dealt with, leave us absurd genital men!" Rose demanded, "I have christmas to celebrate with my family!"
"That was… almost wholesome." Neo commented.
Rose leaned in, and took Winter's arm in hers, and they walked down the cold, indoor sidewalk towards a bar at the other end. This mansion was confusing. Neo shrugged, and took her girlfriend's hand, following Rose.
In typical Rose fashion, nothing could ever be wholesome, as there was a toddler working behind the bar, only his tiny hands peeking over the top. "What wouwd you wike?" the toddler asked.
"I'd like… a penis colada" Rose asked.
"Give me a Orange Martini" Winter asked.
Neo stared blankly at the tiny hands reaching over the counter, trying to reach the things the drinks.
"Give me a strawberry sunrise, and give my companion a Bloody Marta" Yang said, apparently unphased by the tiny hands shaking a drink.
"Penis cowada" the toddler gave Rose a pineapple flavoured rum drink, with a small floating gummy penis.
"Owange Mawtini" The kid was surprisingly good at mixing drinks.
"Hey, Rose, do you ever fear about repeating Mongolia?" Neo asked.
"No, why?"
Winter's mouth began to foam and she collapsed.
"You mother fucker" Rose yelled, leaping over the counter, strangling that little bastard who poisoned her wife.
"Viva…...wa….revowucion!" the child managed to choked out between breaths as he was being thrown to and fro by the neck.
Rose dropped the orphan, now purple, "We need to get to my butlers," she said, gravely.
Neo and Yang nodded, "but what about Winter?" Yang asked.
"I got her, you two go on ahead. Grab Elmo's gun on the way out, you might need it. It's finally happening,"
Yang dashed out of the room, Neo not far behind. As they left, they saw hundreds of tiny orphans, in their hands were walmart brand assault weapons. Evil smirks adorned their adorable faces, as they began to shoot.
"Fiwe a Wiww, and at those bwonde bastawds too! Fweedom!" This 6 year old little blonde girl screamed, opening fire on Yang and Neo.
"I'm not even blonde!" Neo complained, as the two ducked for cover.
"Holy shit what's happening!" Yang shouted over the gunfire.
"Babe I don't look blonde to you do I?" Neo asked clearly taking the comment too seriously.
"We need to get to that gun and take some of these fuckers out, Kenya style." Yang said referencing another time in the past we haven't written yet and are totally not making up as we go.
"Yea yea yea, sure, that's all well and good, but like, I'm not blonde!" Neo said running her fingers through her hair to confirm.
"Maybe I'm blonde enough for the both of us?" Yang said realizing her girlfriend would fixate on this all night given the chance.
"Then why didn't they say that, No, those little fuckers called me blonde!" Neo exclaimed. "We need to do something…..So yea I forgot where the gun is, be a dear and go get it?" She continued.
Yang noticed elmo's tommy gun, buried in freshly fallen snow. She made a mad dash for it, sliding to pick it up, diving into a snowbank, and promptly finding herself in some sort of snowy tunnel system. She motioned for Neo to follow, which she did. Inside the snow tunnels they found 2 patiently sleeping doggos. Yang remembered Rose telling her of some genetic doggo experiments they got, super doggos who were super smart and super strong yet still heckin good doggos. Couldn't hurt to try.
"Max? Cupcake?" Yang said, quietly. The two dogs lifted their heads.
The first dog was a German Shepard, proud and strong, the second was a lean dark black greyhound. Max and Cupcake were ready.
"Save us, please," Yang pleaded.
"Or y'know don't or whatever." Neo saiid cleaning her nails with Yangs boot knife
Max made eye contact with Yang, "It'll only be a moment," Max said, in a very formal british accent.
Without hesitation both doggos dashed out of the snowbank, and the panicked sounds of gunfire and screams told Yang all she needed to know. She looked back to see Neo downing a giant bottle of liquor, apparently not handling this shit well. Elmo's tommy gun in hand, Yang lept from the snow tunnel and began to shoot, taking out the waves of orphans flowing in from the halls. From the rafters Biggus swung in, his dick being used as a cable, holding on to Bally tighly, and using Bally's balls as a wrecking ball.
Rose rushed out of the bar, screaming in pure unbridled rage. Her eyes began to glow, and before Yang could say "what the fuck" all the remaining orphans were vaporized. Rose panted and collapsed, before passing out she said "call our ambulance, Biggus," and she closed her eyes, exhausted.
Orphan's skulls caved in by the sheer force of Bally's balls. Blood painted the snow covered landscape, dead orphan bodies littered about like a 50 careless drunks with a 12 pack of beer each. Some of them shot, some of them ripped to shreds by Max and Cupcake, some of them had turned on their kin, resulting in some in fighting. Many more were unaccounted for, whether it be by them fleeing or Rose's eye blast deus ex machina, still unexplained 3 seasons later, bullshit no one knew. Yang searched frantically for that little blonde girl, the one who seemed to be the leader, but found no such girl. She prayed that that orphan had been vaporized. All that was for sure is that they would all certainly get in trouble from both ends as they left their scheduled shifts early and would obviously be No call, No shows for the rest of the season.
The ambulance showed up, taking Rose and Winter away, with the paramedics assuring Neo that her sisters in law would be fine. Neo comforted Yang, who was worried for her sister's well being. "It'll be okay, babe that megalomaniac? Hurt? You know this is just a cheap set up for the next chapter right? Rose can't be killed by any creature of this dimension. Not even the writers can kill her off," Neo assured Yang as she rubbed her shoulders.
"You're right, it's just scary, yknow, knowing that at any time our enslaved orphans could break free from their bonds and revolt."
"It's okay, they're dead now. There's nothing to worry about,"
Jessica smirked hearing that, those bastards may think that they're safe, but they're very very very wrong. She'd kill them one day, mark her words. For now, she'll just live in the walls, collecting data on Rose's misdeeds, and train in the various martial arts. She will survive. She-
Her inner monologue was cut off when she saw a wandering small squirrel, with a massive erection. Nonononono. The squirrel jumped on her, it's body incredibly buff and...we'll just cut it here.
And that's the SS christmas special, the follow up is in the next chapter, which will go back to your regularly scheduled programming. We meant to release this sooner, but there were some… we spent a few weeks in jail, and I don't exactly feel like I have to explain why we went to jail, and why it was over something as retarded as blasting NWA at a preschool while wearing skin colored skin suits. Judge was cool tho, let us make bail.