So on a bit of a personal note, not to divulge too much information and allow you fuckers to find and murder me for creating this shit, but I live in Arizona. More specifically in the valley. It's gonna be about 101 today and that's the coolest its been in a couple weeks. (this was written in mid October) Not usually a problem I was born here and aside from a year when I was 5 I've lived here my whole life. The problem is the A.C in my house took a shit and in case you don't realize by the nature of this site and the utter lack of other shit I do, I do not have money to fix it. I'm not saying this to get your pity or whatever I'm just letting you know that I'm going to be writing a lot about cold weather, just know that's my wishful thinking and part me jerking it to the idea of sub 100 degree weather. (What he said)
That's when we noticed something was definitely wrong_Fuck you maybe?_3rd person
"Uh, guys, we're running low on gas," Truck driver said, looking back at the skittles bag of lesbians in the back of his truck.
"Did you not fill up before we left?" Neo asked dreary eyed.
"Well I did, but that was back when we were in Montreal and in case you noticed this isn't exactly a prius,"
"Well where are we?" Yang said suddenly released from her song curse because I'm lazy.
"If I had to guess? By the lack of any plant life, the barren fucking wasteland, and just the overall feel… I think we're in hell… somehow," The Truck Driver squinted as he tried to pilot the sputtering non prius to a gas station.
"Not hell….." Neo said ominously, " A place I have not been in a very long time."
"Oh dear god not….no." Yang added worriedly. They passed a sign in the road that confirmed their fears. Arizona. They were in fucking Arizona. The land of meth heads, suicide, Maricopa County Sheriff's Office, and Glendale. This godless wasteland would be their greatest challenge yet.
"Fucking kill me. I'm literally going to fucking melt before we can even find a gas station to get robbed at." Neo said as she slumped into her seat.
"I'm just glad none us main characters are brown. MCSO is a fucking nightmare." Yang added.
Neo turned to Winter, expecting the woman literally named after a season the state doesn't get to have a response. However, Winter wasn't awake, she was passed out drunk in a lawn chair that was propped up in the back by nothing but luck and her military training.
"She looks like my uncle." Yang said wistful of the fond memories she had with her drunk uncle. Also hinting to the idiot authors that they might wanna somehow shoehorn him into this piece of shit.
"Uh guys I hate to interrupt you again, especially because the last cigarette you put out on me really hurt, but the bus is officially dead." the unimportant jackass about to be used as an ashtray said.
"What did we tell you about calling it a bus?" Neo said angrily pulling a torch from the magic bag that is Yang's tits.
"Sorry ma'am. The Sin wagon is dead. Please don't take out my other eye I still need to drive." The pathetic fake ass pirate whimpered.
"You don't need to do anything, especially if the authors are tired of writing you and would rather just have you gruesomely murdered in about 10 seconds" Yang said..
"I'd rather that not happen, I have so much to live for. I still have yet to masturbate on the Eiffel Tower!" The increasingly stupid side character spouted. Unfortunately due to lazy writing and also a Klansman with a fuckin machete he would never live his dream of whacking off on the most dick shaped monument in all of Paris. The Klansman charged on the bus with a bloody machete in hand raised it over his head and brought it down between the legs of the bus driver with the force of a thousand angry girlfriends.
"...don't touch me there…." The bus driver coughed. "..that's my No-No square," He spurted as the racist in ghost cosplay brought the machete up again and drove it through his heart.
"NO!" Neo screamed leaping up. "Not….actually what was his name?" She said confused turning toward Yang. The Casper the ghost alternate ending maniacally crept towards machete still in hand. "I think it was Keith? No that's our mailman." Neo said puzzled.
"Anne?" Yang added.
"No that's Winter's kid." Neo said.
"Didn't we have a kid like a chapter or two ago?" Yang asked.
"I can't remember the dead dudes name you expect me to remember if we have a kid?" Neo said. Suddenly she jumped up. "Jackass! His name is Jackass!" Neo said excitedly. In her excitement and jumping the gun she stole from the drifter fell from her waist line and went off as it hit the ground. Call it a miracle or lazy writing or whatever you want but the round ricocheted from the wall next to Winter's head and hit the fake ass Jason Voorhees wearing his sheets as an outfit in the head.
"Oh shit yea there was a killer dude. Totally forgot about him. You alright boss?" Neo asked crouching next to the headless hangman.
"Hey! Ask him if there is a gas station near by!" Yang said. "Maybe he knows the area!" she excitedly continued.
"Hey my guy. There a FastTrip near here? A Circle J? PmAm? A Cum and go? A Jizz and Jet? A blow your load and hit the road? Any place where a couple of scantily clad mental patients can murder someone for about half a tank of gas? Neo said leaning closer to the spurting neck stump.
"He can't hear you babe. His ear is in that puddle of brain matter by the emergency exit."
"Um...guys I know I'm not usually the straight man. Or straight. Or a man. But he's not going to answer you. And dragging this out so you could make a bunch of gas station jokes is kinda killing the pace." Winter said turning to the snickering authors sitting outside the bus.
"Christ you slept that bottle off pretty quick." the Ginger said.
"Yea I didn't know we wrote you with a decent tolerance." the blonde said flipping through his notes
"Oh c'mon stop with the notebook shit me and you both know that says "milk, eggs, dildo, rice, and coffee and the other pages are full of drawings of dicks." Neo said angered that the dipshits are making themselves characters again.
"Nu-uh!" The blonde replied like a 5 year old. "This page has a dick AND my notes for Winter"
"Really what's it say?" The ginger asked. For he's the one that writes Winter and Rose and was curious to see what the blonde picked up on.
"Angry, Drunk, Married to Rose and has a dick?" The blonde said. "Emphasis on the question mark after has a dick"
"The dick is just there because you doodled penises onto all of the words,"
"Look its been like over a year, how else was I supposed to pass the time. The dead hooker was full and her sister is starting to turn green." The edgy blonde idiot said mistakenly thinking he was funny.
"Look if we don't get out of here right now they're gonna spend the next 4 pages blowing themselves." Neo said grabbing her backpack.
"Yea, fuck them we don't need authors for this shit." Yang said grabbing the vaseline and baseball bat. Winter stumbled to her feet and tipped over the bottle she slept with last night and realized it was empty.
"I'm out of booze, and we need to find a convenience store, God knows I'm not doing this trip sober," Winter tossed the bottle out of the sin wagon muttering to herself, something about her being sick and tired of their shit and how much she wanted to tear our someone's throat.
"She might have an alcohol problem." Neo whispered to Yang as they hopped out of the bus.
"It's not a problem if everyone has it." Yang said tucking the tub of vaseline into her bra.
"We need to figure out where the fuck we are." Neo said. Almost as if this is written by the laziest fuck on the planet a meth addicted coyote walked by them covered in cum and Cardinals stickers. Neo and Yang turned to each other and in unison muttered "Apache Junction"
"Are you sure" Winter asked as she stumbled off the bus.
"Yup. If it was on coke and had an empty Modelo can up it's ass I'd say Glendale but nope this is definitely an Apache Junction Coyote." Neo explained. "So basically if we wanna find civilization again...we turn right around and fucking book it in the other direction. However if we want to find gas, cheap booze, and more meth heads and bikers than we could ever possibly kill we need to head west."
"Yup. To the land of snowbirds and edgy drug addicts we go." Yang said hanging her head and shuffling forward. Neo and Winter followed her as the walked down miles of barren highway with nothing but an increase in broken Bud Light bottles, shotgun shells, and used heroin needles littering the road to show them they were getting closer.
Our "heros" had been walking for what seemed like forever when a dark SUV suddenly whipped out from the side of the road and flicked on his lights. Shiny yellow letters on the side of the car let them know it was Maricopa County Sheriff's Office.
"Son of a bitch." Neo said
"I don't want to get raped or get shot." Yang said scared.
"You're white so you're not getting shot, and you're female so he probably won't try to fuck you." Neo said. An old fat white man ambled out of the driver's seat and pointed a flashlight towards Neo.
"Well." He drawled in an accent that marked him both as from the southwest and also a wife beater. "What do we have here. One of them fucking Cali For Ni A Libtard cucks and her posse of snowflakes. What the fuck are you motherfuckers doing out here. Tryna take away our guns and make us pay your taxes!" He shouted.
"Actua-" Yang started before she was cut off by Neo.
"Let me handle this." Neo whispered. Suddenly she perked up and flung her hair over her shoulder. "Actually boss ya see what happened here was like, so uh, check it out. We was out here shooting off some fireworks and our lighter ran out of fuel so we tried to light our crack pipe off the battery for our car and fucked around and short circuited that shit so uh we told the hookers to skedaddle and decided to leg it back into town see if we could score some pot and a new battery to get this show back on the road. So yeah that's the low down my dude. Thanks for coming to my TED talk" Neo explained in an accent similar to the officer.
"Ah, seems like you kids are having fun. Unfortunately it's a no burn day and you just admitted to lighting off fireworks so imma have to take you into custody." Jabba the Officer drawled.
"For fireworks dude? I know we broke the law but fucking christ man this is AJ you passed 40 illegals, 6 kids selling meth, and a dead hooker getting over here."
"Stop Resisting!" The officer panted, out of breath from having to stand for more than a minute.
"Man fuck this." Neo said as our psychotic lesbians knelt onto the ground and put their hand on their heads. When just then something nobody can quite explain happened. The temperature dropped 110 degrees to zero seemingly in an instant and, like white shit started to float to the ground.
"ARRGH WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT. IT AIN'T COKE THAT'S FOR DAMN SURE!" the officer yelled. As more of the cold white flakes fluttered to the ground the officer started to shake and pace. "I don't know what the fuck this shit is! It must be a plague! It's God being mad at me for keeping that little Honduran boy in the sex dungeon! Repent! Jesus save me!" he rambled as he continued to pace.
"Nah G you on your own, working on this mixtape ya feel dawg?" Jesus said as he parted the storm clouds. You may ask "Why are you writing Jesus H. Christ our lord and savior, the one true son of God, who died on the cross to alleviate all mankind of sin...as a fucking edgy soundcloud rapper? Why would we do this to you?" Well one, We're very Catholic. So we believe that as long as we feel guilty about this later, apologize at the end, and say like 8 hail marys it's all good. And secondly. Fuck you that's why.
"REPENT!" the officer screamed as he drew his sidearm and blew his brains out all over the snow covered desert floor.
"Holy shit dude!" Yang screamed jumping to her feet.
"Meh, pretty standard practice around these parts if I'm being honest." Neo said calmly rising.
"Hey check his car maybe he has a bottle." Winter said excitedly.
"Are we just going to ignore that like cold ass white shit is just falling from the sky dude?" Neo said puzzled.
"Ya, it's snow" Winter said opening the officers center console. "Southern Comfort. Boo Yea!"
"Wait what did you say?" Neo asked
"Southern Comfort. Good shit. 100 proof" Winter said cracking the bottle and taking a deep smell of the contents.
"No before that, you called this white shit a name." Neo said
"Yea dude, it's snow. Are you high or something?" Winter said taking a swig of her new best friend.
"What the fuck is snow, and why is it so cold." Neo said shivering.
"Babe, it's like rain but frozen." Yang explained as she put her jacket over her.
"What the fuck is rain?" an increasingly confused Neo stammered.
"That wet shit that falls from the sky once a year around these parts." Winter said as she polished off the bottle.
"I thought that was the sky gods peeing on us for sinning?" Neo said as she sat down confused.
"No babe, we've been over this. Just because your home state sucks so hard it floods with the 6/10ths of an inch of rain it gets a year doesn't mean the sky gods are mad. It means you live in hell and ADOT sucks more dick than a girl from west Phoenix." Yang calmly explained.
"I'm starting to think this is less about the snow and more about the one time the freeway flooded making the blonde very late for work." Winter said licking the rim of the bottle attempting to get more out.
"Y'know, you might be right." Yang said "Ok let's get you up sweetie, stop channeling the blonde and his utter lack of knowledge about other weather systems outside of hell. I mean he can't even continue writing about how the snow acts because he's never fucking seen it." Yang said as she picked up her ice cream cone of a wife. "We need to get moving I just shit talked ADOT and those motherfuckers definitely have scopes." Yang said unceremoniously dumping Neo into the backseat of the police cruiser.
"Woooooaaah!" Winter mumbled. "I probably definitely drank that too fast." She said as she tumbled to the ground.
"What the hell bitch! They killed off the truck driver, you're now the only character they bothered to write as having a license!."
"Oh shit you right." Winter snickered as she tried to pick herself back up.
"How the fuck are we going to get out of here!" Yang yelled.
"Hey, hey, hey, hey, heeeeyyyy!" Winter slurred as she got to her feet and poked Yang on the nose. "I've got an idea, it's foolproof" Winter smirked as she reached into Yang's magic tits.
"This is the stupidest thing I've ever been a part of." Yang said as she drove down the road.
"Sssshhhh. Don't worry they won't suspect a thing." Winter chuckled from the passenger seat.
"This wig isn't going to make me look enough like you to use your license." Yang said pissed at the drunk idiot and the other one who saw snow and suffered a mental break.
"That's why we taped your back problems down so you're not as busty." WInter said licking the roll of duct tape.
"This is uncomfortable and stupid." Yang said as she slammed on the gas out of frustration.
"Awwe don't worry, it's just lazy writing and a cheap plot device to set the next part up." Winter said as she reclined the seat and closed her eyes.
"Wait what?" Yang asked. Cheap plot devices lead to bad things in this universe and lazy writing makes it painful for everyone involved. It might have been late at night but the streets seemed unusually empty right now. No old people who should have their fucking licenses removed. No dumbass kids who don't know how to fucking merge, no retarded people who need a fucking lightyear of distance to make a simple left across 2 fucking lanes. Nobody. Yang hadn't seen a single other car. She decided there must have been a sale at a dispensary or the local dealers started running the "buy an ounce get a glock" promotion again. It was still eerily quiet. She decided to flip on the radio.
"This is not a test. This is not a test. The meth dealers have pissed off the sky gods to a horrid degree and they have decided to coat our state with cold cocaine that you can't cut into lines. This is the end of times. We're in for a billion years of darkness. Now time for updates from the world cup." A frankly too calm voice said over the radio.
"What the fuck, these idiots think snow is an act of God." Yang muttered to herself. Although it did seem odd that it would be snowing in a desert, and how fast the temperature dropped was suspect.. But none of that was her problem, she needed to limp this police vehicle to find her sister.
"Son of a fucking bitch!" Yang yelled
"I swear she said she was 18, how was I supposed to know she was 8!" Winter yelled as she shot up still very drunk.
"Chris Hanson is still tied up in Weiss' basement, girl you're safe, we do have a problem though." Yang said.
"Is it related to the Colombian girl?"
"No."
"The Venezuelan?"
"No."
"The Puerto Rican?"
"I didn't even know you had one of those. But no. We got a low fuel light.
"Gas! We need gas! Didn't we pass a 9/11 on the way over?"
"No you must have been thinking about 9/11 again."
"I'll never forget where I was that day. I was drinking on the roof of a daycare when the tvs started playing footage. Goddammit Elmo, I'll get you back one day! THOSE WERE MY FAVORITE PENIS MONUMENTS!" Winter had been slowly moving more and more of her body out of the window, and Yang had to quickly drag her back in.
"Stop trying to escape you useless lesbian! Look on the officers laptop and see if you can google a nearby gas station or something."
"You google, I'll drive, heh. Google drive," Winter drunkenly slurred as she opened up the laptop.
"Shameless plug. Thanks Google!" The blonde we left back at the bus pointed out.
"Wait forget the laptop. There's a Circle J right there." Yang pointed out. Winter deleted the phrase "big ol' anime titt-" from the search bar and closed the laptop. Yang whipped the car in and parked next to a pump. "Stay here you drunk motherfucker. Make sure my wife doesn't see another strange weather pattern.
"KKK." Winter slurred in a bit of foreshadowing that wasn't very subtle. Ya get me? FORESHADOWING. Ya feel? I'm super fucking subtle.
Yang walked into the store and was immediately turned on. The store was coated wall to wall in all of the bodily fluids. Mainly blood. There were disfigured body parts strewn about and "Hello? Don't tell me I missed the whole orgy!" Yang shouted. She heard mumbling from near the freezer and decided to walk towards it.
"Hello Yang, I see you've come to my gangbang, I've been expecting you, and now it's time to kill you." A familiar voice rhymed from behind the coffee.
"Wait what the fuck." Yang said puzzled as she grabbed Ember Celica. Surprised they still have their cannon weapons? So are we! Just roll with it I have no idea what I'm doing obviously. Just then the rack exploded and as the dust settled and Yang shook off the force she was shocked by what she saw. The figure that stood before her was a 7ft tall cat with black fur and a white belly and atop his head he wore a red top hat.
"Wait what the fuck are you doing in this universe?" Yang asked clearly taken aback by the new level of stupidity the blonde and the ginger had reached.
"I'm the Cat with the strap, Now give me the head of Rose, or you all getting clapped." Cat in the Hat said curtseying and producing a gun from his hat.
"You're gonna need more than that to get me pussy." Yang said grimacing and getting ready to fight
"Really? Cat jokes how silly! Well you see I actually came here with a full van. Containing very angry members of the Klan!" The Cat Rhymed. "Oh boys! Come on out and silence this noise!" He continued as a group of racist inbreds wearing comforters ran out leveling assault rifles.
"Fuck the shit outta all this shit." Yang yelled as she shot at the white doughnuts. The shittiest of all mini doughnuts exploded in a cloud of white disappointment as Yang made her escape and the Klansmen blindly fired into the store. "With how much I run away and rely on lazy writing you'd really start to thing the blonde one can't write fight scenes." She muttered to herself as she slid across the hood of the truck.
"Did we get gas?" Winter slurred as a bullet ripped through the driver's door and exploded the bag of chips she was holding. "Fuckkk" Winter said as she fell out of the window.
"How the fuck are we getting out of here?" Neo asked as she hopped out of the car.
"I don't know I have no ammo!" Yang yelled exposing another cheap plot device used by the lazy writers. Just then the ground started to shake and a deep satanic clucking rang through the air.
"Son of a bitch! It followed us!" Neo yelled. The chicken, in a miracle of lazy writing walked right over the gas station and crushed the klansman as it moved towards our skittles bag of lesbians. "Run!" Neo yelled scampering to her feet as the chicken moved and crushed the police car, or as I call it, cheap plot device. Winter scrambled to the left and drunkenly ran down the road towards a housing project. Neo sprinted full speed ahead into a desert clearing and kept running to the freeway. Yang ran a seperate way towards a shopping center with an IHOP. Why did they run in separate directions? Different philosophies. Yang ran towards the IHOP because she is led by her stomach. Neo ran towards the freeway because she knows the area and knows there is a Walmart on the other side of it. Winter ran towards the house development because she's retarded.
I bet y'all are a little disappointed that it took us this long for something this short, eh? If you knew what we knew...I mean you'd still be dissapointed but like don't worry this is like the Yogi bear of chapters. More smartly laid out and planned than your average cascade of clusterfucks. What he said. Trust us, this is some Veggietales shit. "Do we have a show for you. Stay fucked bitched until next time….several months from now prolly. Every monday until we say so we're gonna release a new chapter! Keep your eyes peeled.