HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAAHAHAHA MOTHERFUCKERS WHOOO 3! In less than a year! Jesus Jumping H Christ on a fucking cracker it's almost like in the time since the late Xmas special we pre wrote a whole bunch of shit to release piece by piece and at time of writing this you haven't even seen the first parts! Holy fuck We're clever. I hope some of you fucking asshats would have taken the mere minutes in your dull dull lives to actually post some feedback but y'know fuck what I want. This is apparently all about yoooouuu. Because even in fanfiction land I'm reminded of my soulless retail and customer service jobs where I have to all but slobber on your flaccid dongs to appease you fuckwits! Was that projecting? Yes! Do I care? Mildly! Am I going to stop? Fuck no! LETS JUMP INTO THIS FUCKING MESS! I would like to take the time to apologize for my compatriots behavior, and encourage anyone who has any feedback, or wants to yell at Ghost for projecting, to please leave a review. At this point we'll do anything for a review, We'll suck ya dick. Just please. We do this because we crave attention. Not for any "CrEaTiVe FuLfIlLmEnT mOm"
This begins after the end of the christmas special. We'll clean the continuity up someday… not today though, we don't give a single FUCK about you people.
As alarms wailed in the office the several hundred teenagers operating the base rushed to their stations.
"Toby, status report!" Barked Nancy from the command bridge.
"Not good bro! Like deadass my guy shits fuc-" Toby was cut off by a bullet to the spine from the throne room
"Ugh, we need to stop hiring potheads to run logistics" Jessica said in a raspy hoarse voice.
"Yes Ma'am I will make a note of that in the guidelines" Geoff from human resources said frantically scribbling on his clipboard.
"Somebody status report!" Nancy yelled yet again.
"Ma'am we've been hit 3 times, the engines are starting to go, shields at 50% capacity, we're rapidly losing altitude, our weapons systems are not functioning and somebody stole my yogurt!" another woman responded. Yup. Another woman. That makes 3 in here so far. Take note of that. It will come into play later.
"That's bad, this is bad." Muttered a worried Nancy from the bridge.
"Yes Ma'am it was banana and even had my name on it."
"Sweet flavored? At what point do we draw the line between yogurt and pudding?"
"Well generally speaking yogurt is made using fermented milk and bacteria called yogurt cultures while as pudding usually uses non fermented milk, and also the package said yogurt"
"But other than that pretty similar right?"
"Taste wise of course, I'm like kinda sure there's more to it but I would have to look it up"
"Wait shit, what about those other things?" Nancy said snapping back to focus
"What other things?"
"Y'know the status report stuff, y'know we're losing altitude and stuff?"
"Oh yeah, we are approaching the ground at about 400 miles an hour and being that shields are only at 50% impact is definitely going to-"
"Damnit man I don't know all these fancy technical terms! Give it to me straight!"
"Aren't you a lesbian though?"
"What does that matter?"
"Well shouldn't the term be give it to you gay?"
"No not straight sexually, straight as in correct and simple."
"I think that's indicative of a larger issue where our language is tainted by a male dominated world and the previous non acceptance of homosexuals."
"I think you might be overthinking it, besides you're not gay, stop being offended for me."
"Yes Ma'am, of course Ma'm-" The man was cut off when the ship hit the ground with a massive impact and sent him flying through the windshield.
"God damnit" Said Jessica getting up from her throne. "People we are fighting the biggest genocidal maniacs the world has ever seen, they don't abide by our rules, they have taken the holy land from us and enslaved our kind in call centers and bars across the world. We need to fight back! We need to retake the holy land! We need to rid them from the world! We cannot do that if you idiots keep getting thrown from the ship everytime we crash. Wear your goddamn seatbelts."
"What if it doesn't match my jacket?" Said a woman as she crawled back into the ship.
"I don't care it has to be done. We are fighting war criminals, spawns of Satan, who have raped our people and taken our holy land from us!"
"I think the real crime hear is the fashion crime of these seatbelts. Seriously Magenta doesn't match anything in my wardrobe."
"Look I said I'm sorry! I only had magenta woven polyester!"
"That doesn't excuse it! You're either in fashion season or you don't deserve seatbelts!"
"I can't keep updating our seatbelts with new fashion stuff! God damn guys I'm still old enough to remember when thigh gaps were all the rage and everyone wore sweatpants and sleeping with sirens shirts what that fuck do you want from me?!" Cried Jessica revealing just how painfully old the person writing this shit truly is.
"Look I'm sorry, I know the slave mines known as Walmart Customer Service were horrid and didn't pay well and we can't exactly afford new seat belts, but look on the bright side." Nancy said kneeling to consoul her boss.
"What's the bright side?"
"Well first off all seeing as he's now dead I totally got away with stealing that dudes yogurt. Secondly if you care to look outside our newly wrecked ship you'll see it's very bright indeed. Almost too bright. Almost as if…"
"No you're not saying…" Jessica whimpered as both their eyes adjusted to the light and a green road sign lodged firmly in their former colleague and yogurt enthusiast confirmed their worst nightmares.
Apache Junction 6 miles
"God fucking damnit" They both said in unison.
And so we return to your regularly scheduled programming. Line break_Rose_Third Person
Rose had been flying for a very, very long time. She didn't stop flying until she had crashed through this flying warship, ripping it to shreds. It was already damaged, but she delivered a real killing blow. Ouch. She crashed down to earth shortly after that, and as she dragged herself up, she saw something she thought was only in nightmares. Apache Junction 15 miles. Fuck.
Line Break_Neo?_First person or go fuck yourselves
I am switching this to a new margin for fuck you reasons, unless this doesn't show when we transfer from Google Docs to Fanfic, if it doesn't that would really piss me off but then again so does my continued existence so whatever
Neo finally managed the strength to bring herself to her feet after magically killing the thing we made out to be a big deal inside of like 10 seconds. Almost as if we are shitty at writing fight sequences and aren't even trying anymore. Almost..no wait exactly. It's exactly that thing I just explained. Well look if you made it this far into this trainwreck story you're either such a huge glutton for fucking punishment that you rival me or you have realized and accepted we are in this shit for the shock value failed attempts at humour and dick jokes so how bout we just get cocked [pun very much intended ;) ] locked and ready to rock because crazy train is now departing self deprecation station on its way to batshit crazy town and it might get robbed by the caravaning gang of my shitty sense of humour along the way. I say might in the same way that you might continue breathing during this. As in it's 100% going to happen unless a heart attack comes into play. Where was I? Oh right something something Neo.
Neo got to her feet and started clambering through the rubble of the supercenter she just blew up, occasionally wiping motor oil, feathers, and the blood of the old people that now lay strewn about the scene of the crime. Or at least it would be a crime if police in our little universe served more purpose than a rapey half wit villain we used once and then discarded like the monster condoms I use for my magnum dong.
Sudden realization that I've been writing third person ish and mainly just venting because bitching at y'all is cheaper than therapy and slightly more fulfilling. It is at this point the tone will go back to story and in first person now. Thanks for indulging me...not like you have a fucking choice though, also let's go back to standard format because right oriented makes my tiny head hurt.
As I emerged from the wreckage of the Wal-Mart. I tried to grasp my bearings. Where was I? Where is Yang? Did Winter's drunk ass make it out of the Circle J alive or did she get fucked up? If she did get fucked up did the writers finally kill her off? Or did they do something stupid like have a lawn ornament flamingo attack her? Most importantly however, where in the hell can I get an omelette and a cup of coffee at this hour of night? The answer to all of my questions and prayers gleamed at me from over the horizon. The International House Of Pancakes. Yea, I thought to myself as I started running towards it. If Winter is still drunk she will have wanted to sober up and bitch out a waitress to fill up on her crushed soul quota for the day, and in fights Yang is usually guided by her stomach or her imaginary dick so seeing as the nearest strip club is miles away she's probably finishing her coffee trying to figure out how much not to tip the waitress. Because in case you already didn't like us I now feel the need to mention we are absolute bastards on top of being war criminals. Did I mention we barbecue cats? Just kidding we love cats! I particularly like the crispy over rice with some garlic butter.
As I approached the magical palace of basically alright coffee and mediocre pancakes I saw Winters frail drunk frame pulling herself out of the building.
"Holy shit are you alright?" I yelled running over to try and help her.
"I mean basically yea? But that server packs a baseball bat for those who don't tip." She said pulling herself up to reveal bruising on her knees.
"Oh shit….if he did this to you...where's Yang?" I asked worriedly. Almost as if the writers planned it however I heard a window shatter and saw my bride to be jump out of the broken window with 2 pots of coffee and the cook's ankle monitor.
"Sorry boys gotta jet, hope the broken glass seasoning on this woman's burger doesn't affect your imaginary tip though!" She yelled cheerfully at Vinny the psychotic minimum wage mob enforcer and Charlie Manson the cook on work release.
"Yang!" I yelled excited to see she was still in one piece and mostly still relatively sane. Keyword there being relatively.
"Babe as much as I wanna hug you and catch up Joseph the angry German manager is grabbing his Tommy gun and we need to make like a banana, and split. Unless we want to make like an anti-vaxxer's kid, and die prematurely." She exclaimed as she grabbed me and Winter by the arms and we booked it down the road.
"Hey Asshole! Get back here!" Cried Goebbels as he fired off rounds from his machine gun barley missing us.
"How do we always get into these situations!" Yelled Winter as she ran around the corner with us.
"I think it has something to do with the lazy writing or the drunk authors. Dealer's choice really." Shouted Yang as she vaulted over the handicapped kid in the middle of the road.
"Well I wish they would pull some other gimmicks now and again. This is getting kind of old." I said hiding behind the wheelchair bound human shield as another wave of hot lead came towards us from lower management from our local syrup dispensary.
"What kind of 11 dollar an hour employee is this fucking dedicated!" Winter panted as she struggled to keep pace.
"The kind in a shitty fan fiction written by psychotics." Yang exclaimed as she flashed her tits to flag down a speeding truck.
"Hot damn girls do you need a ri-" The driver managed to say before Winter grabbed him by the throat and yanked him out of the car. I hopped in the bed with Yang as Winter floored it out of there.
Line break_Jessica_3rd person
As Jessica and her merry gang of 3 and only 3 women and an unspecified number of men. Remember 3. Make sure you remember 3 women. Three, Tres, Trois, Drei, Tri, Tre. Take Careful note of that. Moving on. As they marched through the barren wasteland of eastern Arizona the heat and pollution started to get to them.
"I can see why even the animals smoke meth here" one man said.
"Yea, Jesus Christ. The heat is terrible. And the sky has this weird overcast that makes it seem likes it early in the morning even though its 5 in the afternoon. God I fucking hate that." Replied another. The conversation was getting as tired as they were. Having successfully pulled themselves from the wreckage of their once formidable ship they were now on their own, with not a seatbelt to be seen or heard for miles.
"There has to be something out here!" Cried Jessica. "I didn't come this far for nothing. I don't want to die in the desert!"
"M'lady-" A man managed before Nancy shot him.
"Another one of you neckbeard fucks says M'lady and I'll have you raped." She said holstering her gun.
"Uh, is ma'am alright?" Another asked.
"I suppose it's serviceable although I much prefer dark lord, or perhaps fuck mothering assassin." Jessica shrugged.
"Ok uh, Ms. Fuck Mothering Assassin. One of the drones picked up an image of an airbase over that hill.
"What! That is great news! Which hill?!" She excitedly yelled.
"The one we're about to cut to!" He replied back seeing as how the author really had to use the restroom but stubbornly refused to take a break until he got to the magical plot device he just created.
As they scampered down the hill Jessica stood in awe. Military cargo planes on the runway completely unguarded.
"Where are all the big dudes with shooty bits of plastic that are supposed to make sure we don't get their toys?" She asked.
"It seems they're all passed out drunk in the barracks." Nancy said looking at the drone feed.
"What is this a Navy base?"
"It would seem so."
"Why would the Navy have a base in the middle of the desert? The closest body of water is the puddle of urine that coyote just made."
"It seems to be a communications outpost with satellites and things like that to gets lines of communication to the ships at sea."
"Then why are there Air Force cargo planes on the runway?"
"Lazy writing."
"Fair enough. Alright everyone let's get the supplies onto that really big plane and get out of here." Jessica said pointing at a C-130 on the main runway.
In no time at all her men had the fence cut and were moving the wagons of weapons and ammo they totally had all this time onto the plane as Jessica and Nancy dramatically walked in slow motion towards the aircraft.
"Dark lord! We have hit a stroke of luck! The gods have blessed us! There is a tank in the aircraft!" A man shouted as Jessica got closer.
"I would hardly call 2 assholes with shitty laptops entertaining themselves late on a Saturday night gods, more like losers am I right?" A man sarcastically said. Sadly he was not right and he collapsed to the ground unable to breath and choking on some dog shit that somehow appeared in his throat.
"Well that's why we don't shit talk the guys in charge unless you're a main character guys! Let's remember the best way for you all to stay safe and alive is to follow Nancy's instructions." Jessica barked.
"Yes men, remember if you are not a named character, or have only been written about for the past 2 thousand words keep your mouths shut. Characters that suddenly have dialogue or that make quips get killed off very quickly if they are not crucial to the plot." Nancy shouted to the men as they finished loading the plane.
"Dark Lord! The plane is ready to go!" Another dead man walking said.
"Excellent, tell the pilots to get this thing in the sky!" Jessica excitedly yelled as she walked into the cockpit, where she could have given the order directly but we're not gonna think about that...are we? The pilots immediately got to work flipping switches and saying piloty things like "Engine 2 functioning normally" and all sorts of other incoherent gibberish. Finally they did that movie thing where they pushed that big thingy in the middle of their seats thats makes the engines get louder and also the plane moves and goes up like flying things should.
As they gained altitude suddenly another plot convenience struck in the form of birds. Or I guess bird strike is the term. The plane shook and the right engine started to smoke as red lights and loud sounds started to flash in the cockpit.
"What the fuck!" Jessica yelled. "What's going on?"
"A shitty plot device!" Nancy said looking at some gauges on the dashboard thing.
"What do all those needles and screens mean!" Jessica yelled clearly as in the dark about planes as the author.
"We lost one of our engines lord! We are losing altitude!" The pilot said.
"Well can't you just call it a son of a bitch and say come on a few hundred times then tell me its stabilized like they do in the movies?"
"That's just it! Those are movies and inaccurate. I can't just say "we need to shed some weight" and magically make this thing flightworthy. This is real life!"
"You're righ-" Jessica stated "No wait a second this is complete horse shit remember they guy with the 300 inch dick from the slave camp we escaped from? This is clearly fiction."
"That and this is posted on a site called fanfiction so there's also that." Nancy said looking at the URL in your address bar.
"Ok then, uh, we need to shed some weight, we're too heavy!"
"I'll have them untie the tank ma'am!" Nancy said.
"No throw out the 3 year olds! I want that fucking tank!"
"The 3 year olds?"
"Yea they'll be fine." Jessica shouted as she hurled a crate of crying children from the plane. "Whoops they didn't fly so well" She remarked as the crate was struck by lightning.
"How are we doing pilot!?" Nancy screamed.
"Pressure levels stable, we are evening out. Whatever you did worked." He responded. "Now let's just hope this low fuel light and the sticky note that says no parachutes doesn't mean anything sinister is afoot." He continued jinxing his fate, almost as if he was a character in a bad horror movie.
Line break_Rose_Thoid Poison
Rose was stumbling about in the middle of the fucking Sonoran desert. Fuck this place, Rose had vowed never to return after what happened last time she was here, but apparently she had to choice in the matter. So she angrily stormed through this hell hole. She heard an engine roar, and saw a large airship, the one that had just crashed, take flight again. In this jittery, sputtery, shit bucket type way. Think a Yugo trying to do 60. Like it's doing it, but not well and it's always about to explode. Rose shrugged, not her job not her prob. As she was walking, a sudden chill came, and the sky became cloudy and it started to snow.
"Well son of a bitch" Rose mumbled, not a sight one sees every day.
Still delirious, she found a methed out Coyote, and promptly wrestled it to the ground, and rode it like a pony. Coming into Apache Junction riding a meth head coyote was an experience. Exclusively because no one gave her a second look. She took a look around town for anything of note, which there really wasn't anything. There was a giant ass explosion at a walmart, but Rose just assumed a meth lab went off. The snow was curious, but she couldn't figure it out for the life of her. That was until she saw a bunch of freaks in sheets standing in the sleet unloading meat, and by meat we mean ak-47s. Rose decided to go over there and check it out, because like, of course.
"This is a wrap, I'm gonna give you a slap. You bitches don't listen, and the plane's you are missin. One queer, two queer, red queer, dead queer. We're the KKK and we say, no more blacks and mexicans today." The voice reminded Rose of someone, a childhood figure very dear to many people's hearts.
She popped her head around the corner and saw the mother fucking Cat in the Hat. Before she could duck back, he stopped her.
"Is that Rose, it might be I suppose. Finally back from your business trip, your sister and gang all gave me the slip. You'll do just fine as bait, because I honestly hate to wait. To see Yang's head on a platter, and Neo's brains splatter."
Oh fuck, Rose thought, my sister's nearby. I gotta find her. She paused, now realizing that explosion might not have been a meth lab.
"Mind doing me a favor, you coked out Jim Carrey looking mother fucker?" Rose asked.
"I'll grant any bitch, her final dying wish"
"Hold this," Rose stepped forward, pulled a titty grenade from her titties and gave it to the cat, then she fucking ran.
watch?v=ip6o4Dx85gc
Line break_Neo_First person
"Hey at least we're still alive!" Winter replied hopping out of the truck she just wrapped around a light pole.
"Well the people hit are kinda aren't alright." Neo continued hopping out of the bed of the truck.
"That's their fault for being out at night" Winter said poking the legs of the lifeless corpses that were rammed between the truck and the pole.
"Ya I mean, they were out at the ungodly hour of…" Yang said checking her phone. "7am, prolly selling drugs or something."
"Excuse me." a quiet voice said from behind us. A little girl stood in the road holding a teddy bear. "Have you seen my mommy and daddy? I ran back to the house to get for mommy and I can't find them" She continued.
"Uuuuuh….What did- er do they look like sweetie?" Said Winter in an awkward yet concerned voice.
"Mommy was really tall and has pretty yellow hair like that girl!" The little girl excitedly shrieked pointing at Yang. I looked back at the corpse of the woman to see bright blonde hair coated in blood. "And daddy is bald and has a big nose!" She continued smiling. Sure enough the man was bald.
"Uh Sweetie you stay right there I need to talk to my sister really quick" I said pulling Winter aside
"Winter, you..you, I can't believe it you killed that little girl's parents!" I whispered to her when out of earshot.
"You don't know that! How many people are tall and blonde in Mesa alone? And bald and big nose? That dudes face is caved in, with all the blood and brain matter I can't even see his nose dude. She could be talking about anyone!" Winter explained.
"Winter! You don't get it do you! You murdered her parents. How many little girls have broken hearts because of all the senseless killings you commit?" I said.
"Like 5 tops. Maybe we should kill her too before she gets sad?" Winter replied reaching for her gun.
"No!" I said smacking her hand. "What the fuck is wrong with you?!"
"The key to happiness is killing all the unhappy people!"
"That's not how that-"
"Oh my god Jackie sweetie there you are!" A bubbly voice yelled as a tall blonde woman and a short fat bald man with a nose the size of Rhode island ran over.
"Oh thank goodness you're ok. What have we told you about running off?" said black Danny Devito.
"Im sorry, but Mommy said she was cold and Mr. Snuggles is warm so I thought If I got him she wouldn't be cold anymore." Said Jackie.
"Ok but tell someone next time and don't run off." said the mother.
"Ok"
"Thank you girls for finding her. We were starting to get worried."Said the father who like, I really can't stress this enough. Literally black Danny Devito, holy shit. Like, exactly like him. Like it's seriously odd.
"Uh yea, no problem." Said Winter as perplexed as I was.
"Ok sweetie say goodbye to the weirdly dressed lesbians." said the mother.
"Bye weirdly dressed lesbians!" Said the little girl waving as the family walked away.
"Hol up..did she?" said Yang after a few seconds.
"Fucking Mesa" I said
"I'm just glad they didn't see the bodies." Said Winter.
"Then who are these 2?" I asked looking at the corpses again.
"Wait look, they're wearing running shorts and sweatshirts." Said Yang looking at the bodies.
"Oh thank god, just jogger assholes." I said reilived their lives didn't matter.
"I always find it ironic that they run for their health but when I'm drunk doing 110 down a sidewalk they can't manage to run for their lives." Winter laughed taking another swing of her bottle.
"It's a really straight road you woulda thought they coulda stepped out of the way or something." Said Yang.
"Yea, serves them right. Natural selection I say." I laughed with them.
"If you can't dodge a car with about 4 minutes heads up then fuck you get out of the gene pool we don't need you." Said Winter polishing off her bottle.
Line break_?_I'll figure it out
We take a break from your regularly scheduled programming to show you this ad, because frankly the bills don't pay themselves. My landlord refuses to take promises and IOUs and my truck unfortunately doesn't run on friendship…..that and I have a few outstanding speeding tickets.
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