If my memory serves, this chapter might be the last for a long time, it all depends how the rest went. I hope you all liked weekly uploads. If you did lemme know, and maybe we can work something out. Woot woot, go Cardinals or whatever.
Line break_Neo_First person
As we ran from the bloodbath of the Klan meeting we linked up on the road outside. Winter was holding a crayon drawn sign and me and Yang were drenched in blood. Time to talk was later but now we needed to get out. But as we walked down the street I couldn't help but get this weird feeling in my chest. That somehow today was going to be important. That the lack of sleep and 3 cups of stale coffee in my system would not be able to prepare me for whatever was going to happen.
"Do you guys hear that?" Yang asked slowing down.
"Hear what?" Winter asked pulling yet another bottle of liquor out of her backpack.
"I don't know..It sounds like a really large engine off in the distance." Yang replied
"Yea asshoes have huge diesel trucks around here that are loud as hell. Nothing to worry about." I said.
"No, this sounds different." Yang said. Her fears were proven correct as a whole ass tank came around the street corner ahead of us.
"Holy fuck!" Winter said dropping her Jameson.
"Guys relax I'm sure it's just some redneck asshole bought a tan-" I said but before I could finish the barrel swung towards us and fired.
"Duck!" Yang yelled as we dove into the irrigation ditch. The shell landed and blew up the section of sidewalk that we previously occupied.
"Some redneck asshole huh?" Winter angrily asked me.
"It still could be! They're not exactly fond of gays or women out here!" I yelled back. But I knew. Somehow I knew this was different.
"Guys we need to move they have to be reloading as we speak!" Yang yelled. We ran out of the ditch and towards a housing development. The tank came to a screeching halt ahead of us as a man in body armor popped out of the hatch and mounted the machine gun.
"This way seems suddenly less safe!" Winter yelled as she came to a stop.
"I know this street down this alley I have an idea!" I yelled as I grabbed them and ducked behind some trailers. We heard the machine gun put holes into the sidewalk and gradually move over and begin shredding the trailer we were hiding behind.
"We need to book it!" I yelled.
"You mentioned you had an idea, now would be a fuck of a good time to mention it." Winter yelled as we vaulted over fences and ran through backyards.
"I can't say anything, they can't know we're coming. But it's just over that wall up there!" I yelled confident my strategy would work. We continued to run as we heard the tank driving in parallel to us. Occasionally rounds from the machine gun would burst out into trailers narrowly missing us. But thankfully the main turret seemed to be unable to keep up with us for now.
We came to a large wall at the end of the alley and hopped up and over it into the trailer park on the other side.
"C'mon this way. It's right there" I yelled pointing at a blue trailer with an ominous dark cloud over it. We ran towards it as fast as we could as we heard the tank crash through the walls of the park. The machine gun was firing rounds so fast it sounded like a buzzsaw rather than a weapon. As we reached the front door of the trailer Yang kicked it in. We ran into the living room and a large man sitting on a couch looked at us.
"Who the fuck are you?" He asked setting down his beer.
"Quick, your roommate where is he?" I yelled.
"Who's asking?" He said in a skeptical tone slowly reaching for the Glock on his table.
"Look motherfucker we're not cops I just need to speak to him!"
"Down the hall first door on the right, but hey he don't much like visitors. Especially not fashion blind lesbians. We ran to the hall and found the door. On it was a sign that read "Keep door closed at all times." and a sticker below that read "Caution this is Sparta" I kicked down the door and there he was. Sitting on his chair with a portal to the shadow dimension open next to him with the other one sitting at a desk both furiously hammering away at their keyboards and downing beers like it was their job.
"We need your help!" I yelled at the 2 fuckwits.
"Holy shit. What the fuck are y'all doing here?" The redhead in the shadow realm asked.
"Dude I think I've drank too much this can't be real." The blonde one said putting down his 40.
"This is real and we need you to stop the tank!" I said more urgently.
"Why?" asked the redhead.
"Just fucking do it!"
"Fine." He said as he tapped his keyboard some more. "Engine failure and the gun jammed. You have 5 minutes.
"What the fuck are you doing!?" I yelled even more angered than before.
"Uh Neo who are they?" Winter asked concerned.
"Oh right! We haven't met. Although your wife is the one who banished my friend here to the shadow realm. Kinda weird she didn't mention that." said the blonde. "We're the authors."
"You two are the shithooks that write this clusterfuck?" Winter asked even more confused.
"Guilty as charged." Said the redhead. "I write everything pertaining to you and rose and most of the orphans, and Ghost here writes Neo, Yang and most of the side characters. Basically we get super fucked up, and after we get bored of the Playstation we boot up these here shitty laptops and write the events you live."
"Ya." The blonde chuckled. "We're kinda like your gods."
"Bullshit. I don't buy it." Yang said. "No way my life is dictated by two drunken idiots."
"Babe is it really that much of a stretch given recent events?" I said looking at her.
"No, I know there are authors to this but no way it's these two losers." she said.
"Oh yeah?" said the blonde. "Watch this." He tapped away at his keyboard for a second and then Yang took off her shirt and punched herself in the face.
"Ow! What the fuck!" She yelled.
"Yo, nice tits." Said the Ginger.
"So this was your plan to stop the tank trying to kill us? Convince the people who sent it after us to magic it away?" Winter asked.
"Oh that's what you want?" Asked the redhead. "Yea not gonna fuckin happen."
"Why not! Why are you trying to kill us?" I yelled.
"Well let's see. You're loose cannons. I mean you broke into my house for god's sake. Your sister in law banished my friend to the shadow realm. You guys commit murders like it's nothing and Rose commits war crimes whenever she feels moody." Said the blonde.
"And recently she's been feeling pretty fucking moody." Said the redhead.
"Yeah and basically we're tired of writing psycho lesbian characters from a show we kinda like."
"We wanna change of pace."
"I personally like psycho lesbians in the Vietnam war."
"Or possibly psycho lesbians in the Borderlands universe."
"Maybe psycho lesbian pirates."
"Wait, psycho lesbian space pirates."
"Oooo I like it!"
"I'll have the secretary write that down." Said the redhead typing on his phone.
"Do you guys have some kind of obsession with psychotic lesbians?" Winter asked confused.
"No it's just what we know how to write." Said the blonde.
"Ya we're mildly psychotic and have a flair for exaggeration and all our friends are lesbians." Said the Ginger.
"But honestly we know we can't keep updating this thing and we already almost never touch it."
"Yea just easier to have that orphan that escaped in the Christmas special kill you guys and wipe the slate clean."
"But wait! We can still be entertaining to write for!" Yang said in desperation.
"...go on." they both said in unison.
"You can like….commit more war crimes!" Yang said.
"Or randomly change our setting to all those places you like! Hell I've always liked those Pirates of the Caribbean movies!" Added Winter.
"Or bring back those kids you wrote in then completely forgot about! You always liked writing them!" I said.
"Kids? What is she talki- oooooh wait yea those kids, shit." Said the blonde.
"C'mon you already have an established cannon here of random crazy shit! You can just fuck this whole universe over and at this point both your fans don't give a fuck because it's to be expected." I pleaded.
"Eh, What do you think?" the blonde asked turning towards the redhead.
"Eh. The traffic numbers on the story are actually increasing so I mean clearly there's a third person who likes this shit." he said.
"Yea, sure whatever. I ain't got nothing better to do. Work sucks and this is kind of cathartic for me." Said the blonde as he tapped his keyboard. "Jessica's tank blew up, and her minions are all knocked out. Go fight her, but she's gonna be like Elmo and like come back to fight Y'all occasionally. And you're gonna have to handle that on your own. This kind of lazy ass writing where you just show up and talk to the authors and boom magic bananas that shit isn't gonna fly next time." Said the blonde as he closed his laptop and finished his 40.
"Ugh, next chapter that bitch Rose better unbanish me or I'll have a fucking methed up bear fucking ruin your shit." Said the redhead closing his computer. "Now begone bitches."
We walked out and saw Jessica, carrying a giant machine gun. "Come on mother fuckers," She screamed, "you took everything from me. Now I'll take everything from you, you fucking bi-" Jessica was cut off when she got hit in the face by a high powered baseball, knocking her into the air fucking team Rocket style.
"Miss me?" Rose walked up to us, a crooked grin on her face.
"Holy shit it worked. We lived." I said.
"Ya holy hell that was weird. The fuck did you guys do?" Rose said.
"We spoke to the authors." I said.
"Authors plural? Didn't I banish the one with the orange hair?" Rose asked
"Ya problem is in exchange for our lives we have to unbanish him." Said Winter.
"It's a whole lot easier than dying." Said Yang.
"And besides. We have until they kill themselves from alcohol poisoning to get around to it." I said. As Rose hung her head realizing she was going to have to undo that bullshit magic curse, I realized that this was going to be a long life. Partly because both those fuckers were half Irish and their livers wouldn't be collapsing anytime soon, but mostly because our story isn't over. Not until we've accidentally murdered everyone but ourselves.
Was that as good for you as it was for us? Not likely I came 12 times and went through a bottle of Jameson. We hope it was, and we hope to see you flying SS Airlines again. Don't worry, we'll only punch you and murder your dogs… maybe that's United. I don't know, whatever, they all suck. Oh god we're gonna get suuuuued. Not if Biggus hits them. With his giant-