Chapter 4

Ichigo was lying on the couch, lazily following the pictures on the TV (it was something western, he thought. He wasn't sure, and he didn't much care, either way), a hand under his head, and the other playing with Karin's shirt, just taking a break from his studies, when Yuzu got home, excited.

She bounded her way to the couch with absolutely no grace at all, dropping like a sack of potatoes over Ichigo's legs, and patted a hand against Karin's arm in a way that was rougher than quite needed.

"Tadaima!" she said chirpily. "You know, Onii-chan, you should have said Urahara-san was so nice. Working at the Shoten is actually very fun, and Urahara-san always teaches me something new when he has time. Today he taught me my first real recipe, and now I know how to bake cookies, and they're delicious, and I can't wait to try to make it on my own. If it works out, I need to bring some to Urahara-san, to show him his lessons paid out."

Ichigo blinked slowly. Somehow, Yuzu managed to say all that in a single breath, sounding chipper and sugar high, and he wondered how many cookies she'd eaten before coming home…

Then, the rest of the sentence caught up to him, and he groaned silently as he realized that Yuzu would never give up on her job, not if it meant free sweets and learning how to make her own sweets, damn it.

(He resolutely did not think about why he'd wanted her out of the Shoten, in the first place. It's not like she wasn't allowed around Urahara-san, really. It's just…

it's just that maybe he was feeling a bit…

lonely)

"I mean, I certainly didn't expect him to be such a good teacher, not after I threatened him into it," Yuzu was saying when he focused back on her, and he guessed he'd lost a question or two, because that. What.

"Did you just say you threatened Urahara-san?!" he yelped, trying to sit up to glare at his sister, but being stopped by her weigh on his feet, and he tried to kick her out, because priorities, but she was well-adept at this, by now, and just shifted her weight with his struggles, and remained planted over him. Terrible, terrible decisions he'd made when he was younger, he decided scowling up into the air.

Because of their positions, he felt more than heard as she laughed, hand patting his shoulder lightly. "Well, Onii-chan," she had the gall to say, chirping cheerfully. "If you just told us about things, I wouldn't have to get worried, would I? And you're always so reckless. I needed to check you weren't in any trouble or something. I mean, you don't even like sweets all that much, yet you kept going back to a bakery? I was worried!"

To his absolute shame, of course Karin agreed with her. "Yeah. You're ridiculous like that, Ichi-nii. It's like you think it'd hurt your pride or something, if you just told us things." She clucked her tongue audibly, flicking Ichigo on the nose. "Well done, Yuzu. And next time, bring me cookies. I want cookies." She added, sounding pouty and Ichigo tried not to snicker.

Ichigo couldn't see, but he's sure Yuzu preened in response. "Of course, Karin. I'll even bring you some of mine," she demurred sweetly. "But, anyway, Urahara-san was respectable. He was even polite. He promised he didn't have any ill intent towards you, and that he regards you highly, and even agreed to teach me how to bake. And he's so clumsy, and I end up with more burns than I'd care for — but still, his hands always look so damn terrible at the end of the shift, I think he should just bandage them up upfront, but he says that even a glove could get stuck to the dough, and I can see it, but still… But. Yeah. He's a very great baker. His pies are to die for."

Karin made a sound of discovery, and Ichigo tuned her out, looking down at his own hands without conscious decision. Just like Yuzu said, his hands looked terrible. It was like they had served as a battlefield of some sorts. So many small cuts, so many scratches, so many callous… Even some burns here and there. It was ridiculous. If he hadn't tasted Urahara-san's sweets already, he'd say there is no way he's a good baker, because who the hell manages to get so hurt even with so much experience?

But, of course, his soulmate did. And to think Ichigo used to feel guilty about how he always ended up banged up, when he was younger…

(Though that probably raised some very funny questions, now that he thinks about it. Urahara-san must be… what? Five to ten years older than he? So, while Ichigo was running around busting his chin and almost scrapping his knees off in an accident with soccer, Urahara-san was likely… well. Supposed to have outgrown it all, huh. Maybe this was all some sort of ironic punishment for all the crap Ichigo put him through, then. He guessed he deserved it.)

He focused back on the conversation as Yuzu mentioned that Urahara-san had asked for Ichigo, blushing slightly and choking as he answered promptly: "Yuzu! I'm pretty sure that was not what he said!" And just basked in Yuzu's answering laugh.

(And the possibility it had been that. Fuck.)

His sisters were two brats, but he loved them dearly, anyway.

.

He should have seen this coming, Ichigo thought wryly as Yuzu pushed him back into his bedroom when he tried to leave, a fierce frown on her face.

Yet, he'd dared to hope that everything would remain the same. That everything would be just…

"Onii-chan, you should tell him." She stated clearly, crossing her arms and standing in front of the door so he had no way to run unless he pushed her away. Clever girl.

"Tell who what?" He asked slowly, biding his time as he looked around the room one last time, making sure there was nothing incriminating anywhere in sight. Not that he thought there'd be, but… best safe than sound.

"Oh, I don't know. Urahara-san, perhaps?" She answered drolly, rolling her eyes exaggeratedly. "You know, the guy who is your soulmate."

He spluttered ineffectively at her, trying to think of something to say, some way to refute it, some… clever remark!

"What?" he ended up asking instead, voice high and broken.

Thank you brain, he thought annoyed.

She grinned with a savage satisfaction, leaning back into the door so she was comfortable, and waved one hand dismissively, acting all smug and annoying and… and Ichigo loved his sisters, but he also really wanted to strangle them, sometimes.

"I don't know… Maybe I was being too unclear for you? Do you need me to explain this out? I can do that." She batted her eyelashes at him, every bit the sarcastic asshole he'd trained her to be, and he hated himself, right now, fuck you, past Ichigo. He was also, unfortunately, damn proud of her. But, yes, he still wanted to strangle her. Slowly. He offered her a smile that was more bared teeth than anything, and she laughed before continuing. "I think it is a very strange coincidence, then, that Urahara-san burned his hand on your first meeting, and not a day later, you appear home with a similar burn mark on your own hand. And, well, I guess it could have been an honest mistake… except that Urahara-san told me that not only was the burn your fault, but that you even treated him for it. Which means, you knew about it."

Very good points. Very good points, indeed, and Ichigo never thought Urahara-san would have told that to Yuzu, shit, he should have thought about it. But then, what was he supposed to do? Ask Urahara-san not to tell her? And, what? How would he explain it away? It'd only raise his suspicions, and Ichigo… didn't want that.

Still, he tried. "Well, a very strange coincidence, huh. I guess I didn't even think about it…"

She didn't even pretend not to be annoyed, laughing sarcastically right in his face, and rolling her eyes forcefully.

"Yeah, right. Bullshit, Onii-chan, bullshit."

At least he tried, he thought with a sigh.

When he continued staring glumly at her (and he wasn't pouting, Yuzu. He never pouted!), Yuzu finally sighed, softer and kinder at last, and offered him a small smile.

"Onii-chan, Urahara-san is clearly taken by you. And you clearly love him. You really should tell him the truth, lest he happens upon it somewhere down the road, and then he realizes you've been lying to him, all this time." She pointed out, and he hated she was so damn… logical. "And, anyway, what is the worst that could happen?"

He thought of grey eyes shining with mirth, of soft smiles exchanged in the silence of the evening, of touches that were too soft to be anything but tentative, and thought of how his heart clenched and lurched, and how his stomach filled with butterflies, and how he had hoped. How he had looked at Urahara Kisuke and thought, if we were just two random guys, I'd have asked you out.

Because, if they were just two random guys, what was the worst that could happen? Urahara-san would reject him? Ichigo could live with that. He'd been able to do that, before, he'd be able to do that again, if need be. If Urahara-san simply wished to remain friends, Ichigo would be fine with it. Urahara-san was a great friend, after all.

What he couldn't live with was if Urahara-san didn't like him back, didn't feel as fond as Ichigo did, and still went through with it just because they were soulmates. Because Urahara Kisuke was an idealist. He was a romantic. He… he dreamed about his soulmate. He dreamed about having someone who'd stand by him, no matter what.

And Ichigo wanted to be that — that person, the one who'd stand by him, the one who'd share his victories and losses, the one who'd cheer him up when he was down, and comfort him when he was tired; he wanted to be the one there, through thick and thin, through sick and health, through poor and wealth. He just… didn't want to be his soulmate to be that person.

"I don't want it to be about us being soulmates," he admitted quietly, staring at his own hands and the ever so familiar marks in them, counting every single one, and smiling at the way Urahra-san always managed to hurt his left hand so much more than his right one.

Yuzu sighed forcefully again. "Duh." Because she knew about Ichigo's stance on soulmates. There was no one in their family who didn't (much to Isshin's ever growing amusement and Yuzu's own annoyance). "But you are soulmates, Onii-chan. Whether you like it or not."

He grimaced, but continued. "Yeah, but I want us to be more than soulmates. I told you already, I don't like this… this destiny thing. I want him to want me for who I am, not because something decided we should care for each other."

"Onii-chan, I love you, but you are too stupid, sometimes."

Ichigo felt dread swell up inside him as he heard the laugh in Yuzu's voice, and looked up slowly to meet a lopsided grin on her face.

"What does that even mean?" he asked, carefully.

"It means, Onii-chan, that you already do care for each other. And unless Urahara-san is a very good actor, he doesn't know you are his soulmate. In fact, I'm pretty sure I heard him talking on the phone, once, to a friend of his, about how he really wanted to meet his soulmate, but he really didn't want to, either. Not anymore." She explained, voice in a deadpan but eyes shining with mirth. "I wonder why."

Ichigo swallowed reflexively, hoping, but… "He's a romantic. That doesn't make sense."

Yuzu clearly wasn't in the mood to let him push it away again, because she opened the door, and started leaving even as she asked back: "Doesn't it?"

And.

And Ichigo wanted. He wanted it, he wanted Urahara Kisuke, so badly. He… he hadn't wanted to admit, before, but… but he did care about Kisuke-san. He cared about his happiness, about his friends, about his small tales. He cared that Kisuke-san loved the Shoten so very much, he cared that Kisuke-san was lonely but also always cheerful. He cared that… He cared that Urahara Kisuke was his soulmate. Because… because it did matter.

But was it all that mattered? Was this all about them being soulmates?

Because… Ichigo perhaps didn't love Kisuke-san yet, but he knew that he could come to love him. He knew that Kisuke-san's sharp wit and undivided attention were terribly charming. He knew that he was attracted to Kisuke-san's smile, and Kisuke-san's laughter, and the way Kisuke-san was so damn shy, even if he always projected so much confidence. And he… he knew he'd been preening, these past few days, about the fact that his… his soulmate had taken in his family without batting an eyelash (even when Yuzu had threatened him!). Ichigo… Ichigo perhaps didn't love Urahara Kisuke, just yet, but he did love the way Kisuke-san would slowly open up to him, would sometimes slip up and call him "Kurosaki" instead of "Kurosaki-san". He loved the way Kisuke-san's eyes were just so bright and clear and sweet. He loved the way Kisuke-san made him feel. He…

He liked Kisuke-san. He…

He didn't quite love him yet, but maybe he did, too. And Ichigo refused that all of this was just because of them being soulmates. Because… because he loved Kisuke. As a person. As the person Ichigo had grown to know.

And… and that was the reason he never said anything, he supposed. Despite everything, he did love Kisuke… and he was scared.

He was scared Kisuke wouldn't love him back, because he would be okay if they were just friends, but he also wouldn't. Because he'd always get flutters around him, and butterflies, and cravings to touch, and if Ichigo knew there was never a chance for it to come to anything…

But, really, most importantly, he was scared that Kisuke would love him… but just because they were soulmates. Because Kisuke had been waiting for his soulmate for so long, and Ichigo…

(He wants to meet his soulmate, but doesn't really, not anymore)

.

(he really should grow a backbone)

.

Gathering enough courage to step into the Shoten was harder than he'd thought possible. He and Kisuke knew each other for six weeks, already, and Ichigo could describe them, at the very least, as friends, if not… something more. It shouldn't be this hard. It had no right being this hard.

Yet, here he was, hesitating before the door to Urahara Shoten, hands shaking from nerves and what-ifs.

(what if Kisuke realized that Ichigo had lied to him? What if Kisuke decided Ichigo had rejected him? What if Kisuke didn't want Ichigo back? What if Kisuke…)

"You should tell him the truth, Onii-chan"

Ichigo knew Yuzu was right. Ichigo understood why even Karin had been pushing him into it, with exaggerated eye-rolls and little huffs and small smiles. He knew that he was… in love, or some bullshit. He knew that… He knew that he should tell Kisuke.

But he still had the right to be afraid, okay? That didn't make him a coward. It just made him human.

Yet, here he was — late evening, as usual, just after getting off his shift, with trembling and sweaty hands, and breath caught in his throat, and hope he doesn't dare to hold on to.

Ichigo was going to tell Kisuke the truth.

Holy fuck, Ichigo was going to tell Kisuke the truth.

He swallowed hard, clenching his hands to focus on the here and now and stop thinking shit. With a last deep breath, he pushed the door open, distantly hearing the bells jingling when he did.

Most of his focus, though, was on the fact that the shop wasn't empty.

What. Why?

He blinked slowly, looking at all of the occupants — Yuzu, leaning over the counter and laughing loudly about something; Karin at her elbow, pushing her head down and snickering softly; Kisuke, beautiful and sharp smiled, hands waving around excitedly; and… and the most beautiful woman Ichigo had ever seen, he realized with a grimace. The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen, leaning over Kisuke's shoulder and pressing her boobs to Kisuke's arm, long purple-ish hair falling like a curtain around them as she added something to Kisuke's tale.

They… looked close. Very close. They looked… intimate. They looked…

He swallowed hard, and Kisuke looked up, grinning excitedly and waving him over.

"Kurosaki-san!" he greeted happily (and Ichigo didn't feel a pang in his chest at the fact he called his sisters by name and still called him by the surname. He didn't). "Welcome, welcome. It's been a while! Thought you were busy with tests?"

Uh? Ah. He nodded slowly, remembering that that had been what he'd last told Kisuke. Right…

"I see my sisters have taken over your shop," he commented as normally as he could.

Kisuke chuckled, and it was only at Kisuke's sharp glance that Ichigo knew to duck, avoiding Karin's slap by inches.

"Yes, well, they are delightful to have around, so I suppose I can forgive you for bringing about an invasion," Kisuke teased, eyes shining with mirth. "Anyway, I don't think you've met Yoruichi?"

Yoruichi. Ichigo knew of her, of course. She was one of the two persons Kisuke had ever talked about. Yoruichi was the one he clearly loved. Ichigo had thought it was all in the past, all platonic, but…

But looking at them, looking at the way Kisuke stared at her with fond eyes and an even fonder smile, the way Kisuke leaned into her touch and focused all his attention on her, Ichigo wasn't… as sure, anymore. Kisuke… clearly adored her. Ichigo wouldn't be surprised if she'd hung the moon or something, with the way Kisuke was acting. She was his sole focus, and it was…

It was daunting.

"Hello," purred Yoruichi, nodding at Ichigo when he looked back at her golden eyes. "I'm Shihoin Yoruichi, Kisuke-chan's almost sister."

Kisuke-chan. Ichigo choked on air, blinking dazedly. Kisuke-chan. What the hell.

But… sister. That'd… that'd…

But, maybe, she was the only one who thought so, he thought bitterly, as Kisuke rolled his eyes and smiled at her, soft and open — and Kisuke should be smiling like that at him, not at her, and he's speaking before he even notices it, mouth working on autopilot as his brain escapes him.

"Pleasure to meet you. Sorry to barge in, though; I am still in the middle of tests, and I need to go home study, but Dad asked me to stop by the grocery store in the way, and I thought that I should at least see if Yuzu wanted company on her walk back." He shrugged, heart still frozen in time, and thoughts a mess of stop-it, look-away, see-me. "Since you're talking, though…"

He was not disappointed. "Nah, I'll stay a little longer," she answered with a small smile, but he looked away quickly, seeing the way her teeth were actually clenched together, and the way her head was cocked just slightly to the side. He wasn't in the mood to play charades; especially, though, he wasn't in the mood to face a disappointed Yuzu, or to try and face the truth, when Kisuke was…

"I'll wait for her, don't worry, Ichi-nii," Karin promises, but her voice was also tight, and Ichigo…

Ichigo flees.

He wasn't a coward, but, sometimes? He certainly felt like one.

(he's still looking for his backbone, he realizes with a broken laugh)