"117 Scotch Street?" Hermione twirled a piece of hair around her finger, checking her reflection on the metal plating of the payphone. "Of course I don't have a map." She turned to Mary. "Mare, did you bring a map?"

"Was I supposed to?" A car engine started and Mary peeked her head around the brick wall of the school. The silhouette of the school van was just visible in the middle of the parking lot. Were the lights on? How strange. She pushed her glasses to the brim of her nose and peered. "Hey, come look at this. It almost looks like -"

"Just make a left where?" Hermione sighed. "No, I don't just know Greendale like that! What main road?"

"Hermione, I'm serious." Mary took a few steps away from the wall, certain the dim lighting wasn't enough for anyone to see her at this distance. She looked into her purse and, sure enough, the van keys were still there, right next to the disposable camera Hermione had given her. "I think we have a situation."

"The only situation is Penelope not knowing directions!" Hermione hissed away from the receiver. "Now you were saying? Penelope? Pen, are you - that bitch." She slammed the phone down. "She hung up on me! The nerve of some people. Well, I got the address at least. 117 Scotch - Mary, are you even listening?"

"Do you think anyone has ever tried to steal the school van before?" Mary asked with her back still to Hermione.

She shrugged. "I mean, probably. But I doubt anyone's ever done it in recent years. That story wouldn't have escaped me." She took the few steps towards Mary and linked their arms together, slowly walking her across the parking lot. "The key to a good heist is you don't get caught but everyone knows you did it, you know?"

Mary repeated the words slowly, still looking dead ahead. "A good heist."

"God, you should be thanking me! This is going to do wonders for your reputation. Once everyone finds out you helped me pull this off, you'll be the talk of the town!" She nudged her side. "We'll both be!" She stopped in the middle of the parking lot. "Mary?"

"Yes, Hermione?" Mary asked sweetly. She finally unlinked her arm from the other girl and tugged down at the too short skirt she'd been talked into wearing.

"Did you," Hermione took a few steps toward with her arms out, as if the van invisible to her naked eye. "Did you move it?" she asked earnestly.

"Did I move the van?" Mary crossed her arms over her chest. "When? During the thirty seconds you were talking to Penelope?"

"Mary, I don't know how long I was on the phone for! Penelope was annoying me!" She bounced up and down anxiously in her heels. "Do you still have the keys? Did you drop them somewhere? Maybe someone took advantage of -"

Mary dangled the keys in front of her face. "Right here."

"Well what if someone -"

"Found out about your brilliant scheme and beat you to it?"

"Who would ever?" Hermione put a finger in her mouth and started chewing a nail. "Penelope would never tell someone. She has a stick so far up her ass, she'd never risk getting in trouble. And I'm like her second best friend, who else would she tell?"

Mary pulled Hermione's hand out of her mouth to save her nails. "How are you Penelope's second best friend? You're not even nice to her."

"The girl doesn't have many friends, okay?" She moved her other hand to her mouth and Mary stopped her again. "So either she told Hal and he went and stole the school van, or FP told someone."

Mary tilted her head sideways. "Would FP really tell someone when he's the one who benefits from this the most?"

"He's got a big mouth." Her fingers went to her mouth for a third time and she saved herself from rubbing her chin instead. "Maybe he blabbed to Fred. Started bragging about having plans with me tonight to make him jealous and all."

"Uh huh." Mary rolled her eyes. "Minnie, you know Fred Andrews hardly has the brains to operate a boombox. He's not exactly out here hot wiring cars."

"Only one way to find out." She grabbed Mary roughly by the arm and tugged her back in the direction of the payphone. Her heels clicked on the asphalt and Mary held in her shock that the girl could run in shoes like that. "We'll call him and ask him to pick us up! If he's innocently sitting at home, he didn't do it and maybe he'll come pick us up in the Shaggin Wagon."

"FP left the Shaggin Wagon parked outside your house."

Hermione started digging through her small purse and pulled out a glittery purple address book. "Then he can walk to my house and get it. If not," she waved the book in Mary's face, "I have plenty of other beaus more than willing to rescue a damsel in distress and her fair lady in waiting."

Another eye roll from Mary. "Lets just get a move on, okay? You promised I'd be home by midnight."

"Don't worry, Mare." She popped a dime into the phone and dialed Fred's number. "You won't turn into a pumpkin if you stay out late and have some fun. Why hello, Mrs. Andrews! I hope I'm not interrupting your dinner. May I please speak to, Fred?"

"Thank you, Mrs. Cooper." Hermione sighed. "Yes, if I run into Hal I will be sure to remind him that he has a curfew. And I will most certainly see you at church on Sunday. Bright and early. Have a good night." She slammed the phone down. "Are you kidding me? Fred, Hiram, and Hal all out and Marty won't give us a ride unless I go out with him tomorrow night!" She leaned against the brick wall of the school. "Why are things so hard for good people, Mare?"

Mary held in her eye roll. Her mother's words rang in her ears. Keep that up and they'd permanently roll back in her head. "Would it kill you to go on a date with Marty?"

"I will not sell myself for a ride! He should be grateful I give him the time of day."

Mary exhaled. "Maybe if you told him why we needed to go to Greendale. I mean he is on the football team too."

"No. There are already far too many hands in this cookie jar." Hermione twirled a piece of her hair as she thought. "We need someone who'll give us a ride and not ask too many questions. Someone dumb."

"There's got to be someone else you can call. You have a whole book of numbers." Mary took the book from Hermione, still opened on C for Cooper. She turned the page. "Oh, how about Daryl? He's nice."

"Daryl Doiley?" Hermione's face lit up. "Yes! We can bribe him with a date with Penelope." She grabbed at the date book and Mary jerked it back.

"No, I am not letting you use Penelope as bait."

Hermione pursed her lips. "Ginger solidarity at it's finest." She gasped. "Oh, Mary. I know exactly who will help us out. Only you'll need to be the one to make the call." She bounced in her heels again. "Flip back two pages. First name."

Mary flipped to the B page of the date book. Her eyes widened at the name written in Hermione's precise cursive. She snapped the book shut and dropped it back in Hermione's hand. "Nope. No way. Not on your life. Get a new plan, a new friend, a new sidekick, a new lady in waiting, I do not care." She turned away and crossed her arms over her chest. "I am not calling him, even as a last resort. I'd rather hitchhike to Greendale than take a ride from him."

"Mare." Hermione put a hand on Mary's shoulder but the other girl jutted her off. "Mary, he likes you! All you need to do is ask him to come to this party with us! We get there, ditch him. No harm, no foul."

"And what about the get away car?" Mary asked, her voice stiff.

"We'll just - we'll just have to escape in Penelope's car then." Hermione opened the book back up to the B page and took a few steps back until she reached the phone. "At this point it's just important we get to the party."

"Then why couldn't you have just done that in the first place!" Hermione carefully dropped another dime into the payphone and dialed as Mary spoke. "I thought the whole point was you wanted the school van so they'd see it was Riverdale High students who did them in?"

The phone rang once, twice before a female voice answered. "Hello?"

"Hello!" Hermione said brightly into the receiver. Mary spun around at the change in tone. "This is Mary Moore calling for Clifford Blossom." Mary's eye bulged out of her head as she grabbed at the phone. "Why of course I'll hold." She held the phone out to her friend. "Work your charm."

"No!" she hissed. "I am not asking Clifford Blossom to -"

"Hello?" a voice asked from the phone. "Mary, is that you?"

Hermione shoved the phone up to Mary's ear, earning her a death glare. "Why Cliff, yes. Of course it's me," she swallowed hard, "darling." Hermione covered her mouth to stifle a giggle. "You know how you're always saying we should go out? Well, I need a," she rolled her eyes, "a need a gentleman to escort me to a very upscale party tonight in Greendale." Hermione nodded encouragingly. "That gentleman could be you."

"I am so happy you called, Mary." Clifford shot a smile into the rearview mirror of his Bentley. "Of course, I didn't expect you to bring a friend."

"The more the merrier, right?" Hermione shot a smile at him and rolled her eyes as he looked back to the road.

"One of you could sit in the front with me." He pat the passenger seat. "I feel like a chauffeur with you both crowded back there."

"I am not your date," Hermione said simply. "If anyone should sit in the front, it's Mary."

"Oh, I get very bad car sickness, remember?" Mary nudged Hermione until she nodded along. "But it only effects me in front seat. Crazy, isn't it?"

"Totally crazy," Hermione laughed. "So Clifford." Hermione leaned forward over towards the front seat. "Are you familiar with Greendale at all? Ever hang out with anyone from Baxter High?"

"Baxter High?" Clifford scoffed. "Who would ever associate with those plebeians?"

"Well darn it!" Hermione snapped her fingers and leaned back. "I hate to tell you this when we're already so close but this party is being thrown by the Baxter High football team."

"The football team?" Clifford adjusted the mirror so that he could look back at them. "Why on earth would you need an escort to a high school party? You made this sound like it was a -"

"Well sometimes it helps to, you know." Mary looked to Hermione and received an encouraging nod. "It helps when you have an impressive date with you to," Hermione put a hand on her knee and nodded, "protect you from unwanted advances."

"Unwanted advances?" Clifford asked uncertainty.

"Why Cliff, darling," Hermione interpreted. "You have no idea what it's like to be a single lady at one of these things! Most high school boys, absolute slobs. Pigs! Disgusting! Me," she held her free hand to her chest, "I can ward off most boys with a single look, but my dear Mary here, she's so soft. She's just too nice sometimes."

"Some might say," she hissed at Hermione, "that I'm nice all the time."

"I wouldn't say that," Hermione whispered back.

"Why go to these parties at all then?" Clifford asked.

"Sometimes a girl just wants to, you know," Mary gulped, "go over to the next town to a party with a bunch of people she doesn't know and just let loose."

"Did you say you guys were meeting people there?" Clifford asked.

"We sure are!" Hermione said. "FP Jones. You guys are pals, right?"

"FP Jones?" Clifford said the name as if it left a bad taste in his mouth. "I thought you had better taste than that, Hermione. Isn't Hiram Lodge courting you?"

"I have excellent taste, thank you," Hermione said cooly. "And I need to keep Hiram on his toes, don't I?"

"No one likes a girl that plays hard to get." He shook his head sadly. "Men don't think very highly of girls like that."

Mary clicked her teeth. "I don't think men should be thinking of young girls at all. And I don't think girls should care what boys think about them."

Clifford chuckled. "You are funny, Mary. I love a girl with a good sense of humor."

"The only one with a worse sense of humor than you is Penelope," Hermione whispered to Mary. Mary squeezed her leg to shut her up.

"In fact," Clifford readjusted the rearview mirror to get a better look at her, "I have a great idea, Mary. It doesn't seem like you want to go to this party at all. How about we just drop Hermione off and then I bring you somewhere where we can get to know each other better?"

"Gee, Cliff." Mary shook her head. "Hermione and I had dinner at her place. I couldn't stand to eat."

"Oh, I had somewhere else in mind." He smiled into the mirror. "Very private. Close by too. We can pick up Hermione afterwards."

"Mary and I come as a matching set," Hermione said firmly. "We -"

"So you'll just have to come with us, Minnie!" Mary dug her nails into Hermione's leg. "Trust me," she mouthed at her.

"I had something," Clifford coughed, "a little more intimate in mind."

"Oh, Clifford," Mary laughed. "You have such an excellent sense of humor. I think we know exactly what you have in mind. No girl likes a man who beats around the bush afterall."

"Right." Clifford tugged at the collar of his shirt. "Of course. So are we really - "

"Take us to your secluded spot." She sat back and smiled. "I'm excited."

Clifford made a sharp turn on the road leading to Greendale and brought them down a dirt road. As they passed the sign that said Blossom Maple Farms, Hermine smacked Mary's arm.

"The school van!" she whispered so Clifford wouldn't hear. "It's parked right beside the sign!"

Mary turned in her seat to get a look at it. The full moon gave her just enough light that she could make out the Riverdale High logo on the side.

"Good," Mary said out of the corner of her mouth. "Now we won't need to steal the Bentley."

"What?"

"What's going on back there?" Clifford stopped the car outside of the barn. Mary and Hermione shook their heads.

"Nothing," they said in unison, sending him matching smiles.

He turned around in his seat to look at them. "Are we - is this really going to happen? You girls aren't just teasing me, are you?"

"Why ever would we tease you, Clifford?" Mary forced a smile. "I mean, you've only been asking me out constantly for the past two years despite my insistence that I'm not interested in you."

"That's what makes it so strange." Hermione coughed into her hand to cover her laugh. "All of a sudden, not only are you into me, but you both are?" He sighed. "It almost feels like you two are pulling my leg."

"Does this look like we're pulling your leg?" Hermione took Mary's face in her hands and pressed a soft kiss to her lips. Mary gasped as Hermione slid her tongue into her mouth. She ran her arms around Hermione's back, pulling their bodies together. Hermione tossed a leg over the other girl and -

"Okay, okay!" Clifford said breathlessly. "Save some for inside."

Mary and Hermione broke their kiss, but kept their noses pressed together. They turned their eyes to him and smiled.

"How about," Mary kissed Hermione softly between her words, "you get inside that barn and get ready for us?"

"By that we mean take some clothes off." Hermione smiled at him before letting Mary kiss her again. "And we'll take some clothes out here and meet you inside."

"Yeah, uh huh." A goofy smiled played on Clifford's lips as he opened the car door. "Just, you know. Don't do too much without me. I'll set us up inside."

"Two minutes and all your clothes better be off."

The two waited until they could hear the barn door open and close before they both burst into fits of giggles.

"Did you see the look on his face?"

"God, even after we ditch him he's going to be jerking it to us for weeks." Hermione bit her lip and moved a stand of hair out of Mary's face. Mary's hands were still resting on her back, holding her close. "Hey, I'm sorry if that kiss came out of nowhere. I just wanted to sell it."

"It's fine." Mary smiled. "Really. It -" she swallowed, "it was nice. You're a really good kisser." Mary's ran her fingers down Hermione's back.

"Yeah." Hermione nodded. "So are you."

The two looked into each other's eyes for a few quiet moments. Mary opened her mouth to say something, but shook her head and let go of Hermione.

"So the plan -"

"Right." Hermione let go of Mary's face. "We steal his clothes."

Mary pulled the disposable camera out of her purse. "I take some pictures of Clifford in his tighty whities."

"And we call him a perv for thinking we were really going to double team him in a barn. Or at all for that matter."

"And then we run to the school van and make whoever is in there give us a ride!"

Hermione let out a squeal of excitement. "Maybe this night won't be such a bust afterall."

"-and that's how I figured out what you were up to. So the moral of the story is," Alice finished as Mary pulled the van down Scotch Street, "FP ruins everything, so don't include him in your plans."

"Point taken," Hermione sighed. "Oh, right there, Mary! 117. That's the party."

"Looks a little," Hal paused to find the right word, "dead?"

"Lame you mean," Alice corrected. "Wow, this looks like exactly the kind of party I expect Penelope to be at."

"Be nice," Hal pleaded. Alice rolled her eyes.

"I'm always nice." She leaned over to the front seat. "They probably left already. Lets just go back home."

Mary unbuckled her seatbelt. "Nope. Party or not, that stupid playbook is here and we are getting it. You guys take the van back without us." She pushed open the door and she and Hermione got out. Hal climbed into the front seat.

"But how will you guys get a ride back if Penelope and FP left?" he asked.

Hermione shrugged. "We got ourselves all the way here and we will get ourselves home."

"Thanks for the ride!" Mary called as they drove away. Hermione smacked her shoulder.

"Don't thank them!" The two walked step in step across the empty front lawn. Empty cups and other trash was scattered about, but there were hardly any party goers in sight. "They're the whole reason we had to call Clifford in the first place!"

"Yeah, but if they didn't do that I never would have been able to get Clifford to leave me alone." Mary pat her purse. "To think, the person at the One Hour Photo place is going to develop this tomorrow and wonder why it's a mix of pictures of football plays and a naked Blossom heir."

"We'll slip the kid a five to make sure he keeps his mouth shut." The two approached the ajar door of the house. "Well I guess we should just -"

"Party died down a while ago," said a voice to their left. A dark haired girl was sitting on the edge of the porch, smoking a cigarette. "Trust me, Riverdale girls will not be welcome in there."

Hermione eyed the girl. "Aren't you from Riverdale?" She nodded. "So what gives?"

"I'm keeping a low profile, obviously." She jutted her chin down the road. "Your pals made a spectacle of themselves and left. They were both pretty loaded. I doubt they drove off."

"Our pals?" Mary asked. "How do you -"

"A red headed cheerleader and a dark haired jock?" She nodded. "Yup. They went thataway."

"Thanks." Mary took Hermione's hand and tugged. But Hermione held back, holding up a finger to the other girl.

"I am so sorry." Hermione closed her eyes. "Did you say the red headed cheerleader was loaded? I think you're mistaken."

"Come on!" Mary pulled Hermione back across the lawn. The took off at a trot down the street until they finally spotted a car jutting out of a parking spot at an angle. The girls looked at each other and nodded.

"Penelope," they said together. Some off-tune singing met them as they got closer. They stopped their run and approached slowly. Penelope and FP were both sitting on the hood of the car, looking up at the full moon. FP held an empty bottle between the two of them as if it were a microphone.

"Let the rebels begin
Let the fire be started
We're dancing for the restless and the broken-"

"Hermione!" Penelope shouted as she slid off the car. She grabbed some papers off the dashboard and waved them in front of her. "I did it!"

"We did it!" FP corrected. He slid off the car as well and ended up with his ass on the pavement. Mary shook her head and pulled him to his feet. "Well, okay. She did it. But I helped!"

"He did help." Penelope nodded, still beaming at Hermione. "He did."

Hermione snatchd the papers and shuffled through them. "Christ, Pen. Good job."

"I did do a good job." Penelope said to herself. "I did."

Mary opened the backdoor and shoved FP inside. "I have been in Greendale for all of ten minutes and I already have the creeps. Where are your car keys, Penelope?"

She pointed to a bush. "I didn't trust us not to try and drive home, so I tossed them over there." She let out a yawn. "I'm going in the car. Let me know when you find them."

Mary rubbed her temple. "Just like Riverdale parties I guess."

"Color me impressed." Hermione was still smiling looking down at the papers. "I can't believe they pulled it off. We should take them somewhere to celebrate."

"Milkshakes at Pops?"

"I have a better idea. You know that old saying - 'When in Greendale, do as the Greendalians do.'"