"You know who's a terrible kisser?"

Fred's words slurred as he passed Hiram the bottle of rum. They were taking a dark footpath through the woods behind the Lodge's that would supposedly lead them right to Thornhill. The rum gave them the courage to not pay attention to the elements.

"You?" Hiram snorted. "Actually, you seem to get enough practice. I'd hope you're not a shitty kisser."

"Of course not me." Fred kicked a large branch out of their way. "Alice."

The sip Hiram had just taken came back out and sprayed all over Fred. Both boys paused for a second before they started laughing. Fred wiped his face with the sleeve of his denim jacket.

"Alice?" Hiram bent double and Fred grabbed the bottle - cap long lost - from his hands so it wouldn't spill. "Okay, Andrews. You're pulling my leg. Alice would never kiss you."

"I will have you know I have kissed Alice Smith," he held up three fingers, "twice!" He took another sip and tucked the bottle under his arm as Hiram collected himself. "First time was fourth grade!" He put down one finger. "She said she wanted her first kiss to me because we were best friends. So I stuck my tongue in her mouth because that's what it always looked like they were doing on TV and she whacked me square in the head ."

Hiram went into another fit of giggles, falling on his knees in the dirt. "So you are a bad kisser! Wait until I tell Hermione -"

"I was nine! So the second time," Fred flipped down another finger, "was at a party the beginning of sophomore year, we got paired up playing Seven Minutes in Heaven. We weren't going to do anything, but we both had way too many of those watermelon wine coolers and then she kind of gave me this look," Fred raised his eyebrows and pouted his lips out, "so we wound up making out."

"Gross." Hiram's giggles slowed down as he pulled a face. "I could never."

"Hey, there are way worse flavors of wine coolers."

"I meant kissing Alice!"

"Oh, well yeah. I mean she tasted like watermelon and cigarettes and used too much tongue. I guess that part was my fault." He started laughing again and dropped the bottle under his arm, only a bit sloshing out onto his sneaker. "But the worst part," he snorted, "was when they opened the door, I realized I had her gum in my mouth."

Hiram gagged and burst out laughing again. "That's the most disgusting thing I ever heard. Tell me you spit it back at her."

"I -" Fred shook his head. "I don't remember actually. Everything happened so fast. The door opened and Mary comes at us telling us FP got all jealous and ran off so Alice and I both split up to go look for him."

"Oh please." Hiram crawled over to the bottle where it sat by Fred's feet. "He was really jealous that Alice kissed you? I thought there was nothing between them?"

Fred shifted his weight back and forth as Hiram looked up at him. "Jealous that Alice kissed me and not him. Yeah." He ran his hands back through his hair. "That's totally what I meant."

"What else would -"

"Uppsie daisy." Fred grabbed Hiram's arm unceremoniously and tugged him to his feet. "Come on, we need to get to this pool before I freeze my balls off." Hiram stumbled as he came to his feet and Fred grabbed him by either shoulder to steady him. "You sure it's not too cold to swim?"

"The pool has to be heated," Hiram said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "They're Blossoms. You think they'd swim in cold water? Have you ever met a Blossom?"

"Of course I've -"

He started walking down the path with Fred on his heels. "I know things about that family that would turn your hair white." Hiram tilted the bottle towards Fred and some more rum spilled on his sneakers. "Awful, awful things." He took off back down the trail and Fred jogged a few feet in his wet sneakers to catch up with him.

"Tell me!" Fred squeezed one of Hiram's shoulders as they walked. "Please? I'm a great secret keeper. I know everyone's secrets and I never tell anyone!"

"Bullshit!" Hiram scoffed. He shoved the bottle back at Fred. "You couldn't keep a secret if your life depended on it!"

"I'll tell you a secret if you tell me one about the Blossoms!"

Hiram rolled his eyes. "Which just proves my point that you're shit at keeping secrets!"

"Fine. I'll -" Fred bounced as he walked. "How about half a secret then? That's okay, right? About anyone you want."

"Half a secret?" Fred nodded as he took a pull from the bottle. "Fine. We each tell half a secret. Tell me one about FP."

Fred lowered the bottle. "He got a handjob in the closet of the music room last week."

"What?" Hiram turned on him, wide eyed. "That's - right in school?" Fred nodded. "Who gave it to him?"

Fred smirked. "I said half a secret. Tell me something good enough and maybe I'll tell you the rest."

"Was it that sophomore with -"

"Tell me something good on the Blossoms and we'll talk."

"Fine, fine. But this stays between me and you, yeah?" Hiram reached up and put his arm around Fred's shoulders. Fred leaned down close to listen. "The Blossom's have been watering down their maple syrup ever since old man Blossom took over the company from his father in 1972."

"Whoa." Fred looked straight ahead, taking another sip. "The Blossoms put water in their syrup?"

"No, moron!" Hiram shoved Fred away from him. Fred stumbled for a few feet, spilling some rum on his jeans. "They're watering it down! Probably with corn syrup. That's what most syrup companies do. Yet they're still marketing it as pure and saving a ton on their gross profit margin."

"Some people," Fred waved the bottle and Hiram snatched it from his hands, "could be allergic to corn. They need to label that! I'm allergic to pineapple. If I eat a piece my throat could close up and I could die."

"Fred! Forget about the -" Hiram sighed. "Well okay, that stuff too. But they're saving a ton of money by selling at higher retail because people think it's pure!"

Fred stopped and stamped his feet. "It's unfair to consumers!"

"Fuck the consumers! The Blossoms are crooks, Fred! That's the point I'm making!"

"Hey, have you ever had other maple syrup?" Fred started walking again. The full moon illuminated the woods enough that they could just see the back gates of Thornhill up ahead. "I remember sleeping over at Hal's in middle school and they had this other brand - his mom drives all the way to Greendale to get it - and it tasted awful. Nothing like Blossom Maple Farms. Those Coopers and their Blossom hate," he nudged Hiram with his elbow, "amiright?"

"Well yeah, sure. Their syrup is actually great." Hiram stopped at the gate. "Hal's dad is the one who told me that story." He smacked his forehead. "Fuck. Do you think Mr. Cooper just made that up? I've told that story to at least fifteen people."

"And I'm the one who's bad at keeping secrets?" Fred snorted and playfully hit Hiram's arm. "Of course he made it up! Mr. Cooper once told me that stuff will give you cancer. The man really needs to let that feud go. It's been like 50 years." Fred clapped his hands together. "Okay, Hiram. Now give me a boost!"

"Give you a boost?" Hiram looked up the gate. "You're taller! I'm the one who needs a boost."

"Dude, no." Fred shook his head, his long hair swaying back and forth. "No. You see, this isn't about height," he extended his arms above his head, "it's about upper body strength." He made both his arms into muscles. "See this? I got nothing. But you?" He put his hands on either of Hiram's triceps and clicked his teeth. "You've got those wrestling muscles. You can totally pull yourself up."

Hiram let out a chuckle. "Nah, not me. You play baseball! You have that pitching arm!"

"Yeah, one arm and a screwed up shoulder already! But look at you." He squeezed Hiram's arms. "You're jacked! I wish I had these arms."

"Yeah well." Hiram shrugged Fred's hands off and wiped the smile off his face, trying to keep it cool. "I mean like, I guess I'm kind of jacked. Like I try and all. It's not easy because I naturally have such a small frame. Someone like Hal, you know, he could be ripped if he just put the work in. He has the perfect build for it."

"Hal! Dude, why didn't we invite Hal with us?" Fred took one last swig off the bottle and passed it to Hiram. "Was he busy tonight?"

Hiram drained the bottle. "Don't you remember? Hal's off chewing Alice's gum or something."

Fred let out a bellowing laugh and hit Hiram's arm. The empty bottle slipped from his hand and shattered on a rock near their feet. "Oh shit. Did we really drink that whole thing? I'm not even drunk."

"Are you kidding? You're wasted!" Hiram made to give him a shove and missed, hitting his hand against the fence instead. "Not to mention those couple we had back at my place."

"Well if I'm wasted, you're hammered, dude. You can't even walk straight. How are you going to get me over the fence?"

"How about we both just," Hiram shrugged, "go through that gate right down there?"

"Okay so I don't see Penelope's or Clifford's car out front," Hiram said as he found Fred sitting by the pool.

"No lights on in the house." Fred pulled his jacket off. "Parents must be asleep. I think we're safe." He started unbuckling his pants.

"What're you doing?"

"Taking off my clothes to swim. Duh." Fred raised an eyebrow. "Did you put on a bathing suit when we were at your place?"

"What? No, why I - I didn't even think of that."

Fred shrugged and pulled his shirt over his head. "Guess we're both going commando."

"We - we -" Hiram felt a sweat breaking out, despite the cool night. "We can stay in our underwear though."

"You want to put jeans on over wet undies later? Been there, done that. The chafing will do a number on you." Fred kicked his sneakers and jeans off, his thumbs linked around the elastic waistband of his boxers. "It's not like you need to look."

Hiram's cheeks redden. "I wasn't going to look! I don't need to see anything you have to offer."

"Right dude." Fred clapped him on the shoulder. "I won't look either."

Fred dropped his boxers and, in one fluid motion, dove into the pool. Hiram turned his back to Fred and slowly started peeling off each piece of clothing, folding them and nearly placing them on a chaise lawn chair. When he was down to just his boxers, he considered just jumping in, but that one word kept ringing in his ears. Chafing. A shudder ran through him as he finally took Fred's example and pulled down his boxers. He ran the few feet to the pool and dived, landing a few feet from Fred.

Fred let out a loud yell. "Now that's what I'm talking about!"

"God this feelings amazing." Hiram dunked his head underwater and brought it back up. "I need to get on my parents about getting a pool. What do you think the temp on this water is? It's got to be," he bounced up and down a bit, "82. No! 84 degrees fahrenheit. Imagine that. Keeping your pool heated when no one is even out in it. Amazing."

Fred screwed up his face and whacked some water out of his ears. "You hear something?"

"Yeah, I just said -"

"No, I mean I think I heard some," he paused looking for the word, "thing."

"Like a person? An animal?" Hiram waited breathlessly as Fred shook his head. "A monster? A ghost?"

"Don't be stupid, Hiram." Fred rolled his eyes. "Ghosts don't make any noise. No, it sounded like a car or a helicopter."

"Cars and helicopters don't sound a damn thing alike."

"Well it was -"

"Penelope?" a voice called out. "Are you by the pool?"

"Oh fuck. Is that -"

"I just had the worst date of my life," the voice whined as it came closer.

"Clifford!" both boys hissed at once.

"You know I thought Mary liked me but -"

Hiram gestured under the water. Both boys took a deep breath and went under, getting as close to the edge of the pool as possible. Anyone would have to stand right next to it and look down to see them.

"- I guess she was just using me for ride." Clifford's voice came out muffled through the water. "Penelope?"

Fred felt the pressure building in his head. Enough swimming at Sweetwater River told him he could hold his breath for just under a minute. He started counting backwards in his head.

"Penelope, are you out here?"

Fifty. Fred opened his eyes, ignoring the sting from the chlorine, to get a look at Hiram. The other boy was in a similar predicament. His eyes were shut tight as he held onto the bottom of the ladder for dear life.

Forty.

"Penelope?"

Fred didn't bother looking up, afraid Clifford might be close enough to look down and see him.

Thirty.

"Strange. I swore I heard something."

Clifford's footsteps faded away as Fred reached fifteen. He popped out of the water for a breath with Hiram following.

"I stayed under," Hiram gasped for breath, "longer than you."

"By half a second." Fred nudged Hiram up the ladder to get him to climb. He all of a sudden felt quite sober. "Lets run before he comes back."

"Towels!" Hiram ran to the nearest chair and grabbed one. "He must have brought them out for Penelope." He wrapped one around his waist quickly before turning around to Fred. His eyes darted down for a second before he violently tossed the other towel. "I - damnit, Andrews. Cover that up. I don't need to see -"

"I didn't take a peek, Hiram, don't worry." He wrapped the towel around his waist.

"Shove it." Hiram looked back down at the chair. "Hey, what happened to our clothes?"

"What - what do you mean what happened to our clothes?"

Hiram groaned. "Well I folded mine neatly and put them right here on this chair." He pointed to the floor. "Right after you stripped and left your stuff everywhere!"

Fred sucked his teeth. "I didn't leave my stuff -"

"Yes, you did," a voice said from behind him. "Hasn't your mother ever taught you to clean up after yourself?" Clifford stood in the door leading out of Thornhill with a shotgun aimed at them. "Andrews. Lodge." He nodded at each of them. "Hands up."

Fred's hands shot into the air Hiram let out a nervous chuckle. "Cliff, pal. It's just me. Why should I -"

"I said hands up, Lodge." He made no move to lower the gun. "You're trespassing on my property. I am within my rights to shoot you."

"We're not trespassing!" Fred shouted. Clifford's eyes traveled to him, but he kept the gun pointed at Hiram. Fred nudged the other boy until Hiram reluctantly put his arms in the air. "It's not trespassing if we were invited, right? Penelope invited us."

Clifford's eyes rolled. "Penelope isn't even home."

"We didn't say she was home." Hiram's eyes darted to Fred and Fred nodded. "She told us we were free to use the pool for, you know," he swallowed, "reasons."

"Reasons?" Clifford lowered the gun ever so slightly. "Like what?"

"Like, well -"

"We're dating!" Fred blurted out. "We can use the pool because we're dating!"

Clifford raised his eyebrow. "You're dating Penelope?"

"No," Fred said slowly. He looked to Hiram and Clifford turned to him.

"You're dating Penelope?"

"Eww, no." Hiram pulled a face.

"Then what -"

"No, no, no." Fred gestured between him and Hiram and the gun was raised again. "I mean me and Hiram are dating." He shot his hands back up. "We're together and, well, Penelope understands the struggles of, you know, these kinds of things."

"I don't know." Clifford's voice was deadpan. "What kinds of things and why would Penelope understand them?"

Fred nudged Hiram with his foot. "Secret - secret relationships!" Hiram tried. "Penelope knows all about those."

Clifford's face screwed up. "What on earth? What secret relationship would Penelope know about?"

Hiram scoffed. "Well if we told you, it wouldn't be a secret anymore, now would it?" He shook his head and looked to Fred. "This guy, huh?"

"Anyway, Penelope understands our - our struggle," Fred pleaded. "And she wanted to help. She said if we needed somewhere private, she'd be happy to let us hang out here when no one's home."

Clifford sighed. "You expect me to believe all of this?"

"Yeah, because it's true!"

"First of all, Penelope isn't friends with either of you," Clifford said matter of factly. "Why would she offer up our home for your sexual escapades?"

"Not your home," Fred corrected. "Just the pool."

"We are," Hiram looked to Fred, silently pleading with him to shut his mouth, "excellent friends with Penelope. We hang out with her all the time."

"This!" Fred explained. "This is one of those secret relationships! Secret friend relationships!"

"Friendships!" Hiram corrected. "Secret friendships! Like the one we have with Penelope."

"Second of all," Clifford continued, his expression unchanged, "you two aren't dating."

"We're not dating?" Fred kept his arms raised but pointed a finger down at Hiram. "This guy? I love him. Look at him. Those arms? That face? Am I the luckiest guy in the world or what?" Fred swallowed the lump in his throat. "Right, Hiram? Ram? Ramikins?"

"Right," Hiram nodded slowly, forcing a smile. "Right, Freddie. Of course we're dating. We have been an item for - for months now." He turned his head to Fred. "I love you."

"Prove it," Clifford said simply. "Prove your dating."

"Well, our first date we - we went to get sushi. Sushi in Greendale."

"I don't want your life story." Clifford waved the gun towards Fred. "Just do something. Kiss or something."

"What? No. Gross."

"Gross to kiss your boyfriend, Lodge?"

"Yeah, Lodge." Fred kicked at him. "What the hell?"

"Gross that you'd want to watch, Blossom!" Hiram snorted. "You some kind of vouyer or something? Get off on watching two -"

Clifford rolled his eyes. "Do it or I shoot."

"You can't shoot us!"

"Fine. Kiss Andrews or I'll call the police. Have fun explaining to your parents why you were both naked in my pool."

"Fine! Fine. We'll kiss." He gulped. "Can we just put our arms down to do it?"

"No." Clifford narrowed his eyes. "I don't trust you."

"Just me then," Fred butt in. "I need physical contact to kiss. What do you want? For us to just lean in and peck? That's a kiss for your grandma, not your boyfriend."

"Fine, whatever," Clifford groaned. "Just hurry it up and make it good."

"Make it good?" Hiram mouthed as Fred lowered his arms and took a step closer to Hiram.

"Kiss and we'll make a run for it," Fred muttered out of the corner of his mouth. "Zig zag and stay low." He quickly took Hiram's face in his hands and pressed a hard kiss to his lips. Hiram closed his eyes and let Fred's tongue sneak into his mouth.

He had to admit, Fred Andrews had come a long way from the guy who'd unceremoniously stuck his tongue in Alice's mouth in fourth grade. It wasn't half bad.

Hiram's lips were still puckered as Fred broke away. He whispered, "We need a distraction," as he took a step back. "So there you go," he said so Clifford could hear him. "We swam, we kissed. Can we please have our clothes so we can go?"

"And can I put my arms down now?" Hiram asked. He shook his hips back and forth a bit. "My towel is coming loose."

"Andrews, fix his towel," Clifford demanded. The gun was lowering by the second, his arms obviously getting tired.

"Fix his towel?" Fred looked Hiram up and down. "You know, we're not in that intimate part of our relationship yet. Hiram should fix his own towel."

"You two were just swimming in the nude. Do it."

"Okay then." Fred slowly reached for Hiram's towel. As he turned his back to Clifford, he could see him lower the gun entirely. "Run," he hissed.

Hiram reacted a split second later, running in the direction they'd come from, his hands clutching the towel around his waist. Fred took off right after him, cursing that Clifford had taken their shoes along with their clothes.

He followed Hiram's lead through the woods. He could hear Clifford chasing them, obviously not satisfied that he hadn't gotten a shot in before getting them off his property. Fred felt a pang in his chest. That denim jacket was his favorite. And he was almost positive he'd been wearing a t-shirt FP left at his house.

Hiram took a sudden turn, running through another path.

"Where are we going?"

"Main road," Hiram panted. "It'll take longer but it'll throw him off if he's heading right to my house."

They ran for another two minutes before hitting the main road, the one that led to the outskirts of Riverdale, past Sweetwater River, and right into Greendale. They caught their breath on the side of the road.

"I don't think he followed us," Fred said, peering into the dark woods. The oversized full moon lay directly over them, not a cloud in the sky to block it out.

"I love that watch." Hiram looked sadly at his wrist. "Clifford's never giving it back."

"I loved that jacket."

Hiram rolled his eyes. "Don't worry. I'll give you $10 to get another one at Mal-Mart."

"Really?"

Hiram didn't answer, just turned in the direction of Riverdale and started walking. Fred followed.

"I could use another drink. Or five."

"Same." Fred rolled his shoulders, sore from holding his arms up for so long. "My buzz is totally gone."

"Well, there's plenty to drink in my house." Hiram shivered and wrapped his arms around his bare chest. "But we should take our time. In case he's waiting there for us."

Fred tossed his hair back and sighed. "This sucks. It's cold. We're wet. We don't have any shoes."

"Shit." Hiram stopped and grabbed Fred's arm. "You see that?"

A pair of headlights was coming up behind them from the Greendale road, the high beams flashing on and off to get their attention. Hiram dug his nails into Fred.

"Do we run back into the woods?"

"What's the point?" Fred waved at the approaching vehicle. "They've seen us."

"Don't wave!" Hiram pulled Fred's arm down. "They could be serial killers!"

"In Riverdale? What's the chance?"

"They're coming from Greendale! You know the kind of shit that goes on there."

It wasn't until the van was twenty or so feet away that the Riverdale High logo became visible. It came to a rolling stop in front of them. The window rolled down and Hal stuck his head out.

"Hiram?" he asked, looking between them. "Fred?" He looked to the passenger side. "I told you it was them."

Alice climbed over Hal's lap to get a look at them. "What in the ever loving fuck are you guys doing here? And," she turned up her nose, "why the hell are you guys naked?"

"Why the hell are you guys driving the school van back from Greendale?" Hiram asked.

Alice and Hal exchanged a look.

"You guys tell your story first," Alice commanded.

"I am not -"

"Sure, sure." Fred grabbed Hiram by the arm and pulled him to the back door. "But lets do it over something to eat? I'm going to puke up rum and chlorine if I don't get something in my stomach soon."