Trading Up
AU. Set between 7.22 and 8.1. In the aftermath of Linda's death, Eddie and Jamie find their way to each other with a little help from the family.
The Reagan house is rarely this quiet.
Between the necessary planning and the condolence visits and the simple need to be together, the last days have been a whirlwind of grief and love and anger and all the practical everyday things that still need to be taken care of. It's been an experience that Eddie could not—and never would have wanted to—imagine before the call came in on that Thursday morning and turned Jamie's world upside down…again. She's been by his side in this house and in this grief ever since he stepped out of the sergeant's office looking like a bomb had just dropped on his life.
Frank's house has been the center of the universe this week, all the Reagan clan encamped there. Danny is not-so-quietly falling apart. The boys are still vacillating between shock and grief. The rest of them are riding an emotional roller coaster that has no end in view. But at least they're riding it together. They're slowly returning to work and school, but they still manage to end up in Bay Ridge a good portion of the time.
In the last ten days since that phone call, she's spent at least some part of every day in this house. At first, she felt like a bit of an outsider, but at some point in this whirlwind of grief, she realized that they'd closed ranks and she'd been closed in with them, expected and accepted at Jamie's side. The place that had once seemed intimidating has given way to familiarity and comfort. Today, she finds herself alone in the study, its dim warmth soothing and quiet.
Her quiet is interrupted by the footfalls she has come to recognize as Frank's as he enters and settles himself in the chair across from her.
"Commissioner."
"I think it's about time you called me Frank, don't you?"
She nods and feels a hint of a smile lift her lips. "I'll try."
It's not the first time they've had this exchange, but her default is still the formality of rank, even though her immediate mental reaction is Frank or even Dad most of the time now.
"I hope you know how much we appreciate everything you've done this week, Eddie. You've been an enormous support to all of us, but especially to my son."
Jamie, Frank knows, will try to carry the weight of his own grief as well as everyone else's. He'll try to be strong for them all and they'll all let him, because they all have too much to bear right now. Eddie is the only one who is there to help Jamie carry his own, and it's a relief to a father's heart to know that Jamie won't be allowed to hide in himself and take this all on by himself. Eddie won't let him.
"I'm in love with your son." She looks at him, wide-eyed, as the words escape and he knows she didn't mean to speak them.
Frank smiles that tight-lipped, enigmatic-yet-amused smile and nods just a little. "I know."
Eddie's head snaps up to look at him in shock.
"How—"
"I'm the police commissioner. I know everything." It's a well-worn line but in this case, not entirely accurate.
The truth is that he's been watching. He's watched this small woman for the last ten days stand shoulder to shoulder with them all and help carry this burden of grief when none of it was hers to bear. He's watched her step in and step up when even half of what she's done would have been above and beyond anyone's expectations. He's watched her burrow into Jamie's shell and take on all the things he carries. He watched as she tried to slip back into the pews filled with the sea of blue-clad officers from the 1-2 and the 5-4 that had appeared for Linda's funeral four days ago, only for Jamie to clasp her hand and hold it tight, pulling her into the Reagan row by his side. And he'd known then that it would be only the first time of many that she would occupy that place with them.
"I think I kind of knew, you know?" She stutters out, her mind needing the release of telling someone her thoughts, even if that someone is Jamie's dad and her boss. "But I didn't know until…"
Until her mind had forced her to consider what it would be like if it had been another Reagan that they'd lost last week instead of Linda, all the ways her world would have collapsed if it was Jamie whose funeral she attended four days ago.
She'd met Linda only a handful of times, had liked her, had found her warm and blunt and strong and thought of course. This is the kind of woman the Reagan men would bring home. She'd helped carry Jamie's sorrow at the loss of the woman who'd been his sister in every way that mattered and been happy to do it. But if it was Jamie… she'd never escape the weight of that grief.
Frank understands her unspoken ending. He's known enough tragedy to understand the harsh light it throws on all they could lose at any moment.
For all the ways they have adopted and accepted her this week, she is conscious at every moment that she doesn't really have a right to be there. She is only a partner, not a part of the family.
"If Jamie…" She finally ventures after the weighty silence, "I wouldn't even have the right to be here. I'm not family. I'm not anything. I'm just…"
She cuts off, train of thought derailed and suddenly very aware of who she's talking to.
Frank stands to leave her in peace, knowing there is little he can say or do that will assuage the turmoil inside her. On the way out, he lays a fatherly hand on her shoulder.
"I'm pretty sure you're not just anything, Eddie."
"Where's your girl?"
Danny approaches the living room couch where Jamie sits, wondering aloud at the empty space at Jamie's side that has been filled so often lately by the small blonde woman with flashing eyes.
"She's not my girl, Danny."
"Like hell, she's not," he blusters. Danny's grief, like many of his emotions, comes out most often in anger, and triggers on a hair. He's never had a lot of patience for Jamie's denial of any romantic feeling between him at his partner, but the loss of Linda has done away with any understanding he had in that arena.
"The love of my life just…" Danny breaks off, unable to finish his sentence. "Don't you dare sit there and tell me that you don't know that yours is right here in the other room. Don't. you. dare."
Jamie sighs, "She's my partner, Danny."
"And Linda was mine!" Danny roars and then recedes, "Linda was my partner in all the ways that count. If I had the choice you have, I'd still choose to come home to her every night, have her as my wife and the mother of my kids over anything else."
Danny deflates, anger gone as quickly as it came, and collapses onto the couch next to Jamie. "I think you've got to stop thinking about it like giving up something, Kid, and start thinking about it as trading up."
Jamie remains silent, absorbing Danny's words. The last ten days have been some of the longest and the hardest they've faced in years. They'd been blindsided with Joe's death, but even more so with Linda's because Linda wasn't supposed to face those kind of dangers in her profession. He can't deny, though, that somehow the burden isn't quite as heavy this time, and he's not so blind that he can't see that it's because of the woman who's walked through it beside him. He'd had a girlfriend last time. This time, he thinks, he has a partner, and that makes all the difference.
When Danny speaks again, his voice is quieter, though his works still carry some venom.
"I'd give anything for a couple more days with her. And it pisses me off to watch you two sitting here and wasting the time that you still have."
Jamie finds his father on the porch with a glass in hand and collapses in the chair next to him, elbows on his knees and stares at the weathered boards of the porch floor.
"Your partner's been around a lot lately," Frank's voice comes eventually at his side.
Up until now, the family has been relatively silent about Eddie's presence the last couple of weeks. They just accepted her appearance and created a place for her in their midst, by his side. Apparently, that reprieve ends today. There's not much point, he thinks, in trying to deflect them, and he could use some perspective.
"Is this how you felt with mom?" He ventures after a moment. "Like you just needed to be near her all the time, like if you could be in her space somehow, you'd be okay?"
Frank smiles a little and nods his head, looking out at the yard. "Yeah." His voice is quiet as he continues. "Your mother made me a better version of myself. And she made even the darkest days a little bit brighter."
Jamie glances up at his father through the corners of his eyes, "And you think Eddie…?"
Frank offers him a slight smile. "I think you just compared how you feel about Eddie to how I felt about your mother. You don't think that tells you something?"
Eddie finds him on the porch a little bit later and runs her hand across his shoulders and she move to settle into the chair Frank vacated, looking over at him with a soft smile on her face that he's only ever seen her direct at him. He feels the corners of his lips tip up into a small smile of his own. He's feels a little stronger every time she smiles at him like that.
He knows they've been taking advantage of the sympathy this last week to be more physical with each other than usual. She's hugged him more times in the last four days than in the entire four years of their partnership prior to that. Most of the time, there is no end of people around who will call them on any physical contact that isn't strictly platonic. This week, though, no one's going to comment if his partner hugs him or holds his hand. Everything in this sacred bubble of grief is off limits.
This time, though, when he stands suddenly and pulls her into his arms, he knows there's no way to explain this embrace away. His left arm wraps around her waist so tightly that it almost returns to his right side while his right arm slides up her back and into the soft hair hanging loose. His face tucks into the side of her neck under her ear, his lips and his breath warm on the curve of her neck and shoulder. Holding her like this, it definitely feels like trading up.
Standing there with her in his arms and her scent in his nose, he feels his spine strengthen and the edges of the darkness begin to lift. When he speaks, he draws his hand from her hair to cup her cheek, holding her eyes with his.
"I've known… I've known that I wanted you for a long time. But, I don't think I knew until this week how much I needed you."
AN: I've always kind of hated that we didn't get to see the family's response to Linda's death or Jamie and Eddie in the aftermath. Season 7 is maybe my favorite Jamko season and I imagine that Eddie must have played a big part in Jamie's recovery from Linda's death.
On another note, anybody have a favorite Jamko fanfic they'd like to recommend? I joined this party late, so I'm sure there's a lot of good stuff I missed. I'd love to know what your favorites are to add to my reading list.