Ch. 6 - Last Words

x

Danny watched as Rios folded a blanket over the corpse of the person who was, most likely, patient zero, trying to remember the man's name. He should know. He had known it only thirty-six hours ago, memorized it, actually, back when he needed to know who should get the vaccine and who should get the placebo. But the name had left Danny as quickly has it come, his long-term memory judging the information as useless.

Simply another man who he would watch die.

The clearing where they stood was unnaturally quiet, the only sounds the rustling of the leaves and the ragged breath of the three men who were still fighting for their lives. Forty-eight hours. It had been less than forty-eight hour since Eddie first arrived. A second - and an eternity - Danny still struggling to catch up with the whiplash of emotions.

A microcosm of the past four years.

At first, he had been sure that things would work out. Even when the Nathan James first arrived home from the Arctic and learned of the extent of the breakdown of civilization, there had still been hope. Hope that things really weren't as bad as they seemed, hope that there were still untouched sections of the country, hope for a vaccine, hope for the future. Three days ago, Danny would have said he no longer had hope, but he had been lying to himself. Because that hope reappeared the moment he saw saw Eddie. Hope that his friend would be one of the lucky ones, hope that if Eddie had somehow survived, his family might have too. Hope, hope, hope, followed swiftly by anger.

Anger that the incompetence of others - ignoring early warnings, implementing quarantines poorly, failing to share research because of political in-fighting - allowed so many to die. Billions. The number was so large as to be incomprehensible. Anger that there was nothing he could do to fight this enemy. Anger for all the lies he was forced to tell, convincing one group of survivors after another to test a vaccine. The lies to Eddie. The lies to Amber. The lies to the man lying dead before him, giving him hope of survival when there was none. But without hope or anger, what was there?

Misery. Anguish. Despair.

There were times, late at night, when Danny even felt envious of Benz. Who had the distinction of dying before any of them understood what they were coming home to. Who hadn't suffered the death of friends over and over again. Who hadn't dealt with the constant struggle simply to survive, having his world destroyed not just once, but over and over again. Who didn't know the pain of singing happy birthday to a child, wondering whether she would see another year.

But the emotion Danny was feeling now was different, one that he hadn't felt since the night that Benz took his own life. Not simply despair, but desperation. Because with the realization that this vaccine worked came the realization that they couldn't make any more. Which meant that Eddie was still going to die. Which meant that any accidental infection of those in the camp was still a death sentence. Having discovered the cure, but having no means of using it, was almost worse than another failure.

Exhaustion, the same enemy that Danny had been fighting for the past four years threatened to crush him. He had planned to sleep last night, knowing from the aches in his body that he was pushing himself too hard, too far. Wolf had actually looked pleased when Danny signed off at twenty-two hundred with the intention of heading directly home. He didn't so much as light a candle, crashed in his bed next to Kara fully dressed, only taking a moment to kiss Frankie's soft cheek. But no matter how tired he was, he couldn't banish the images. Of Benz. Of Berchem. Of Smith. Of Alisha and Gator and Miller. Of every civilian that he failed to save. Of every person he had looked at, every set of eyes that he had met, before giving them a vaccine that he knew wouldn't work. His sleep was restless, at best, and he knew that he had woken Kara at least once, although she hadn't said anything.

Then came the news, just before dawn, that the sick had taken a turn for the worse. Danny joined Rios, the two men donning the far too familiar hazmat suits before trudging out into the weak light of the rising sun. Arriving just in time to watch the man before them die.

"He had a wife." Eddie's words were unexpected, Danny had assumed that his friend was unconscious. "Donna. She's blond. You should tell her yourself. I would but..."

A long wracking cough broke off Eddie's words. Rios helped him roll to his side, all three men ignoring the blood that dripped from Eddie's nose, splattering on the blanket below. The nosebleed was a minor symptom. What would kill Eddie was the blood even now pooling in his lungs, making it difficult to breath.

"Donna. Got it." Danny was halfway across the clearing before he realized the he still didn't remember the dead man's name. A rookie mistake. One that neither Chandler or Slattery would make. Hell, one that he shouldn't have made. Once Slattery was back, he really needed to sleep. Maybe Doctor Scott would give him something. There was a rumor that she would do that for the guys, if they asked. Not that anyone ever admitted to asking, of course. But there were times when the nightmares became too much. Both the ones that woke them up in the middle of the night, and the ones that kept them from sleeping in the first place.

Scanning the small crowd, which was keeping their distance from the cots, Danny located Amber, catching her gaze and waiting for her to approach him, knowing his presence unnerved the group, his suit a stark reminder that they were not out of the woods. Not yet, anyway. Thirty-six hours after the vaccine was administered and there were still no signs of illness, only the antibodies indicating that their bodies were actually fighting this thing - and winning.

Amber stopped before another woman, one that Danny vaguely recognized from Eddie and Amber's wedding so many years ago. A relative of Amber's, perhaps? A short conversation ensued before the woman spread a blanket on the ground, allowing Amber to set Tyler down, the other woman keeping her distance. Self-preservation winning out over any maternal instincts.

"Who was it?" Amber whispered, her eyes glued on her husband where Rios was now helping him sit up.

Danny sidestepped the question. "Which one is Donna?"

"Oh, God, Jocelyn." Tears filled Amber's eyes, but Danny saw the relief there as well. Relief that it wasn't Eddie with the sheet pulled over his head. "I'll call her. Donna!"

Twenty feet away a woman's head jerked up. She was cuddled by the portable heater, her frail body wrapped in a flannel shirt that was far too big, her dirty blond hair twisted up into a loose bun. The woman rose shakily, the tears already flowing as she walked towards Danny and Amber, not needing to hear the words to know what had happened.

Still, that's why he was here. He hoped the words didn't sound as hollow to Donna as they did to him. "I'm sorry to inform you that your husband has passed away."

But it hardly mattered what he said anyway, as Amber swept forward and wrapped her arms around Donna, ignoring every prohibition that either Eddie or Danny had put into place on keeping human contact to a minimum. "I am so sorry, Donna. Joc was a good man."

The woman crumpled into Amber's arms, sobbing. "He was so positive. Thinking that the vaccine would work." Then her head jerked up, eyes glaring at Danny. "Why didn't it work? Why did he have to die? Why him? Why him?"

Because Danny decided who would get the vaccine, and he hadn't wanted to waste the dose on a man who was already dead.

Danny's response was automatic, the guilt threatening to choke him. "I'm very sorry, ma'am."

"Donna, he must have already been infected. We knew somebody was because of that first test. There was nothing they could do," Amber rushed to speak, her tone soothing. "Jocelyn would just be glad that you aren't sick. You know that. We should be thanking these people for what they did, saving the rest of us."

Thanking them. Once Amber knew the truth, she would be the first in line to claw out Danny's eyes.

But Donna was buying it, her face softening as she turned again to Danny. "I'm sorry. I am thankful for the vaccine. I'm just..."

Her voice broke, and Danny couldn't stand looking at this woman for one more instant. Knowing that it was his choice, his alone, that was responsible for her pain. "I need to get back."

The husky tone in his voice surprised him, and was something that Rios apparently caught as well, glancing at him across the clearing. "You okay, Commander?"

"Fine." Danny turned back towards the three remaining victims, wondering how much longer they could possibly survive. How much longer this torment would last - for them and for him.

"Danny! Wait!"

Amber was dashing after him, apparently heedless of how close she was to the infected. Frowning, Danny stopped her. "What are you doing?"

"I need to see Eddie." She stared at him through the plastic of his helmet. "Please. I won't touch him. And I'll stay away from everyone afterwards. I won't take the risk of exposing anyone. I just, I really need to have a few moments..."

A few moments to say goodbye.

"What if it was your wife?"

The whispered question caught him, drawing up too many memories. Memories of standing on the other side of the hazmat tent, by the head of Berchem's cot, while Rios administered the last dose of morphine. Memories of holding Alisha's hand while she wasted away, taking Kara's place because Kara couldn't take the chance of being infected, not while she was nursing Frankie. If Kara were sick, there wasn't a thing in the world that would stop him from reaching her side.

"Command, I need an extra hazmat suit delivered."

"Something rip?" Carlton's response was immediate, and concerned. "Get into decontamination now."

Danny almost snorted. As though it would make any difference if his suit was ripped. The virus was relentless once it got a hold on you, and now they couldn't even make more of the cure. "Not for me. For one of the civilians. So she can see her husband."

A long pause followed. "You sure that's a good idea?"

No, he wasn't. "It's the right thing to do."

And Carlton must have agreed, because he relented far easier than Danny would have if the situation was reversed. "On it's way."

As expected, the delivery took almost twenty minutes. First someone had to gear up, then retrieve the extra suit, then go through the series of doors, ones designed to keep people - and the virus - out. When the final gate opened, Danny glanced over, expecting to see Wolf or Cruz, but instead it was Kara's petite form that was moving out from the doorway. Irritation, and perhaps some panic, coursed through Danny. What the hell was she doing here?

They had a rule!

Only one of them ever left the compound at a time. Only one of them was ever at risk of exposure. One of them always stayed behind, so that Frankie wouldn't wake up one morning with two parents and go to bed an orphan. The fact that it was always him taking the risk, always him leaving the gates, always him who might not come home, was a point of contention. But this was the first time that Kara had ever broken their agreement.

"What the hell are you doing out here?" He growled, not even attempting to modulate his tone.

"Turn off your com." Kara's voice was cool, composed, as unruffled as if they were sitting at their kitchen table eating dinner.

"What?"

"Do you want the entire camp hearing this conversation?"

Okay, that was a valid point. Danny snapped off his microphone, striving to keep his temper. "Fine. Now what are you doing out here? Where's Frankie?"

"She's fine." Kara reached out, her hand settling on his arm. "The suit is for Amber, Eddie's wife, isn't it?"

"Yes," Danny admitted, hating the change of topic but recognizing Kara's mood, and knowing that she wasn't going anywhere until she said what she wanted to say. Damn woman could be stubborn as a mule.

"What are you doing out here, Danny? Really? And don't tell me that you're helping Timothy because any of the guys could be out here right now if that's all it was."

He didn't need this shit right now. He grabbed the suit, starting to turn, but Kara's hand tightened.

"I heard you last night."

That stopped him. "Heard what?" he asked cautiously.

"You were calling for Benz. Was it the dream where your mask came off?"

Damn. He had almost forgotten telling her about that dream. It was months ago now, after one of the trials, when he woke on the floor, sweat pouring down his face, Kara's name on the tip of his tongue. Kara had woken too, of course, unable to sleep through the crash when he rolled off the bed and in the dark, panic still coursing through his veins, he admitted that he sometimes imagined that it was him. His mask coming off. His life cut short. His gun rising to his head before he pulled the trigger. He wasn't sure what scared him the most, the realization that he could have left Kara to raise Frankie alone.

Or the fact that such a death didn't seem all that bad anymore.

"No. This time Benz's mask came off. But I had the cure in my hand and..." he swallowed thickly, staring past Kara's head at the metal gate behind her, "And I didn't use it."

"Oh, Danny," the quiet understanding in her voice almost made it worse. "What's happening with Eddie, that was his choice. Just like killing himself was Frankie's choice. You didn't do this. You need to accept that they were grown men who made their own decisions."

You're wrong. He could have saved Eddie, giving him the real vaccine, just like he could have saved Benz if he only thought to tell him to slow down. The words were on the tip of his tongue but Danny stopped himself before he spoke. This wasn't a new conversation, both of them making the same arguments over and over again until he could predict exactly what each of them would say.

What was it people said was the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result?

He took a deep breath. "I need to be here, Kara. This is where I belong."

"I don't want to lose you now, Danny. Not when it might finally be over. We actually did it! We found a cure. That means we can start rebuilding. Maybe in a few years we can get a house, have a garden, maybe a pony for Frankie. We can have a real life again. We can be happy." Tears sparkled in Kara's eyes. "Please don't give us on me - don't give up on us - now."

She and Frankie were the best things in his life, the only things that had kept him going for the past four years, but when he tried to imagine it - a real house, a yard, no threat of imminent death hanging over them - Danny's mind rebelled, remaining blank. When he pushed harder, looking for any thought of the future, all he could see were Kara and Frankie's dead corpses, their eyes staring up at him blankly, everything he cared about gone in a heartbeat.

Danny wasn't even sure he could still feel happy, truly happy. Not the way he had in the Arctic when Kara would smile at him. Not the way he had the day that they exchanged rings and vows. Not the way he did when he first held his baby girl in his arms.

That man was long gone, buried under the weight of too many days, too many deaths.

"I'm just tired, Kara. Once Captain Slattery's back, I'll ask for a day off and get some sleep." He clasped her hand, a meaningless gesture when they were both wearing gloves, but the best he could do.

"Promise?" She knew he was lying, saying words that she wanted to hear to end the conversation. Of course, he knew what she wasn't saying - which is that she would get Rios to take him off the schedule if he didn't pull it together. If he didn't deal with the problem, as she was so fond of saying.

"I promise." Danny waited while Kara turned, opening the gate into the compound, needing to know that she was back inside - safe - before he moved.

She turned a final time, her worry etched in her face. "I love you."

He forced a smile, a poor facsimile of his signature smile, the one that she fell in love with. "Me too."

The smile lasted the three seconds it took for the gate to lock and the first step of the decontamination process to kick in. Then Danny turned back to the group of survivors who, in the past forty-eight hours, had become the focus of his world. He strode towards to Amber, checking to make sure that Tyler was still occupied. Now awake, he was sitting on the blanket where Amber placed him earlier, eating what looked like an MRE. "Here. Get dressed."

"Thank you." Amber took the offered suit. "Was that your wife?"

Danny hesitated. "Yes, that was Kara."

"She must worry about you." A simple observation, but one that reminded Danny of how lucky he was to have Kara. To not be alone in this world. Like Donna, like Wolf, like hundreds of people within the compound walls, the sole survivors of their families.

"It's what I would have done," he explained, answering the question that she asked thirty minutes before while she pulled the suit on over her ratty clothes. "If that was Kara over there."

Donna acknowledged the admission with a simple thank you, before moving across the clearing. Danny watched as Amber eased into the seat that Rios had set up next to Eddie, her plastic covered hand reaching for his. "Hi, baby. Danny said that we could have a visit."