Questionable Inclinations

Summary: Where Hikigaya Hachiman is caught red-handed reading something he shouldn't.

*

"What are you reading, Hachiman?"

Uh-oh. Wasn't Yukino supposed to be present elsewhere for the next couple of hours? Unless the one eyeing me is one superbly executed Yuki-bot, manufactured for the edification of deviant individuals like yours truly.

I try to fashion my face into a nonchalant expression as Yukino stares at me, her poise belied by her blazing eyes.

Oh, man. I didn't want my sixth grade tragedy to be reenacted. Ever. Especially in the presence of Yukino.

Isn't there a law that says you can't be punished for the same offence twice? Double jeopardy or something? Or is it like the case of drug possession ? Doesn't matter if I've been already found guilty once for possessing inappropriate literature; there shall be another conviction. A bigger one this time, actually...

What the hell? I can't think like that. Not now.

Stay cool, man. It isn't that bad. You're not in the sixth grade anymore. You're a grown man, a bonafide householder, a respectable member of the society, a--

Yeah, right. As if I'd ever transform into a freaking raijuu.

"Er- you're home early." Thanks, tongue. That was really enlightening.

"Kudos for enunciating the obvious. In case you have suddenly developed hearing problems, allow me to repeat myself. What are you reading? Correct me if I'm wrong but didn't you have a manuscript to work on? One that could have no possible relation with your--," Yukino's forehead wrinkles dangerously, "--current research."

I contritely close my colourful book shut. It's no use pretending otherwise; the lovely illustrations on the cover unabashedly proclaim the nature of its contents.

"It's for, um, Yuu-chan. Yeah," I lamely reply.

"Really?" Yukino, bless her heart, looks amused now.

"Yeah. Er- you know how ideologically potent children's books could be these days. I don't want our precious daughter to be subliminally brainwashed into becoming, you know, an anarcha-capitalist or a neo-fascist. Just because her parents were complacent about her bedtime reading material."

Had Yukino been a lesser individual, she would have erupted into full blown laughter. Instead, she purses her lips, eyes shining with repressed mirth.

"Ah. I see. And what dangerous Pavlovian elements have you found in a children's book..." she takes the offending item out of my hands, skims through some pages, and quickly goes over the blurb before returning her attention to me, "... about five kids and a sand-fairy?"

"Umm- you see, uh--" I scramble my brains for some incriminating theory. "It, um, advocates an implicitly anthropocentric view of killing furry woodland creatures?"

"Yes...?", Yukino is grinning now. Maliciously. Ugh. I prefer the blank-with-righteous-anger Yuki-face. Have had lots more practice with that.

"There was apparently a time when, er- pterodactyls were preferred for breakfast."

"And pterodactyls come under the ambit of furry woodland creatures?"

Okay. That wasn't well thought-out.

"Not exactly... But if you really think about it, it's like saying dodos becoming extinct was inevitable and not an egregious consequence of unbridled human selfishness. It's an oblique endorsement of speciecism!"

Yukino finally lets out a giggle.

"The next time you want to procastinate, Hachiman, at least prepare excuses that are less preposterous. You're a writer, for kami's sake! One more thing, darling...", Yukino's tone suddenly becomes menacing, "I won't feel a scruple about throwing you to the dogs when you fail to submit your manuscript on time. Don't expect any favouritism just because you happen to be my husband."

She pokes my forehead.

"Ouch!"

To put it plainly, it sucks infinitely more when your wife is, quite literally, your boss. And I used to think I could slack off more than usual. Blithering Hiki-compoop!

*

Notes

Double jeopardy: A constitutional law which states that a person cannot be prosecuted for the same offence twice.

Anarcha-capitalist: Anarcho-capitalism is a political philosophy that takes the idea of individualism and turns it up to eleven. Eliminate the State so that filthy rich and infinitely greedy businessmen/women can happily fuck up the rest of the earth. Well, more than they already do.

Neo-fascist: Donald Trump. 'nuff said. Basically incarnations of lovely people like Hitler and Stalin.

Pavlovian: Theory of classical conditioning proposed by Russian scientist Ivan Pavlov. Give the dog a juicy slab of meat and ring the bell everytime you do so. Very soon, just the sound of the bell is enough to make Mr/Ms. Paws salivate. You associate two stimuli without being aware of it.

Anthropocentrism: Humans first, everything else! Rape the Earth? Why not? The world was created to fulfill our greed!

Pterodactyls: Not at all cuddly flying dinosaurs. Prehistoric ancestors of birds.

Speciesism: The lives of humans are, by default, more important than those of any other living beings.

Hiki-compoop: Play on the word "nincompoop" which is a quaint way of saying "idiot!"

*

p.s. Man those notes were a bitch to write! Stupid ffn app *grrr* But I had to do it at the lovely behest of RelentlessIdiot, despite my incurable laziness! I really, really love you guys. You have no idea how your comments boost my faltering spirit...

Soooo Hikki is busy reading 'juvenile' fiction instead of worrying about deadlines. I imagine him as this ruthless writer mercilessly dissecting society with his sardonic wit. Someone like, say, Swift or Vonnegut. But Hikki, being Hikki, procastinates. And Yukinoshita owns a publishing house, obviously. Because there's nothing like knowledge to make an ugly world better. A conscientious public intellectual is an endangered species these days, ya know?

The Yuu-chan Hikki refers to is their little girl, in case you're wondering. Many thanks to RalphZiggy for shedding light on the nuances of Japanese names.

The snippet was partly influenced by one of the most intellectually and emotionally fulfilling HachiYuki stories I had the pleasure of reading here, Apple Not Far From the Tree by Some Chinese Guy. And by that most delightful of romcoms, You've Got Mail!

The book Hikki is caught reading is Edith Nesbit's "Five Children and It", a delightful story about these kids who find a wish-granting sand-fairy who is really, really ancient. There's a delightful conversation in the first chapter that goes like this:

'Are Pterodactyls plentiful now?' the Sand-fairy went on.

The children were unable to reply.

'What do you have for breakfast?' the Fairy said impatiently, 'and who gives it you?

'Eggs and bacon, and bread-and-milk, and porridge and things. Mother gives it us. What are Mega-what's-its-names and Ptero-what-do-you-call-thems? And does anyone have them for breakfast?

'Why, almost everyone had Pterodactyl for breakfast in my time! Pterodactyls were something like crocodiles and something like birds - I believe they were very good grilled.

Hikki is grabbing at straws, of course. But who knows... Rarely any text is as innocent as it appears to be.

By the way, I was going through the first light novel and there was this flippant mention of Hikki having a porn stash in the sixth grade. Seriously??? That's disturbing. And tragic. Did he even have a childhood? Poor baby.

One last thing: to all those people who think that children's fiction is beneath you, kindly go fudge yourselves.