Chapter 13-Emotionally Complicated

"I Am Not Now, Nor Have I Ever Been, A Spy"

"I can't have a chilidog; I'm having lunch with Dean's mother," Amanda argued though she really wasn't looking forward to it. She knew that it was her mother's way of getting Dean's mother on her side in an attempt to push the marriage issue again. She wanted so badly to just tell her mother that it was never gonna' happen and that in fact, she was on the verge of breaking up with Dean, if she could only figure out how.

"You're still seeing that guy?" Lee groused, the irritation evident in his voice.

"I guess so," Amanda anwered, though she knew it wouldn't be much longer.

"Why?" Lee demanded.

"Well, I don't-Why are you asking?" Amanda questioned him, thinking that it really wasn't any of his business. It wasn't as if he had made any great overtures into turning their partnership into something more, in spite of the fact that they couldn't seem to keep their hands off of each other.

"I...uh...I don't see you two together," Lee answered honestly. There, I finally said it, Lee thought. Now, if he could only summon up the courage to tell her he could only see them together.

"What are you talking about? You've never even seen him," Amanda responded, beginning to get irritated with Lee once again acting as if he owned her when he himself kept his distance except when they were locked in each other's arm in the throes of passion.

"Amanda, I have instincts, okay," he informed her as he stared at her intently. When the contact became too much to bear, he gestured to the nearby phone booth and switched gears, "I'll go make my phone call and then you can go home."

"That's it?"

"Yeah, all you had to do was pick up the note from the elevator guy."

"We're not gonna' do anything else?" Amanda questioned as she sank to a nearby stool in disappointment.

"Don't look so disappointed.," Lee said with a chuckle, but also feeling a smug sense of satisfaction that she didn't seem to be too excited by this lunch date.

"I'm not disappointed," Amanda denied, her voice rising an octave, knowing it didn't sound convincing. She'd found recently that the more time she spent with him, the more time she wanted to spend with him.

"Well, you wanna' get home in plenty of time for lunch, don't you?" He teased.

"Go make your phone call," Amanda snapped in annoyance. Damn, how can he always see right through me?

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Lee sank to his couch next to Amanda in frustration and asked in frustration, "Amanda, are you absolutely sure that you don't remember anything about me?" staring at her intently the way that he had at the hot dog stand.

"Yes, the doctor said that I might forget certain things that were emotionally complicated. Now, I can understand how I might forget the crash, but I don't know what could be so emotionally complicated about you that's made me not be ab-" she looked at him and finding herself caught up in his gaze, couldn't continue. She had a brief flash of that same look in his eyes in this very room, but then it was gone.

"Well, we have worked fairly closely together, you know" Lee pointed out.

"H-h-how closely?" she asked nervously.

"Well, we've worked hours together, days together..."

"And?" she probed.

"And what?"

Amanda becoming increasingly nervous by the way he was looking at her and the flip-flops her stomach was doing at sitting so close to him, she stammered, "Well, did we have...Are we...Have we...uh...Are...Are we...uh...involved in any way?"

"You mean, did we ever..."

"Yes, that's what I mean," Amanda confirmed.

Lee sat in since for a moment feeling sucker-punched at the fact that she didn't remember any of it and seemed downright terrified that they had. "No," he lied to ease her mind. "We never..."

"We never did. we never did."

"Mm-mm," Lee muttered feeling horrible for lying to her, but even more horrible in thinking about all the time they'd been together and she didn't remember a single one of them. He, in contrast, couldn't forget a single one. They were forever etched into his brain and had even begun haunting his dreams.

"We didn't," Amanda repeated, breathing a sigh of relief. The relief was short-lived though as she they continued to gaze at each other for another long moment. She was unable to shake the nagging feeling that they had indeed been intimate or that she had at least thought about giving herself to this painfully handsome man. She wracked her brain, trying to remember anything that might give her a clue as to why this enigmatic man's simple look at her could make her feel as if he were undressing her with his eyes, as if he knew what every inch of her body looked like. Another flash hit her for a moment, "Oh, I'm beginning to remember another one of those words."

"Think, Amanda," Lee probed.

"I'm thinking, I'm thinking."

"Come on, think," Lee encouraged her eagerly in the hopes that her mind would recover more than just the ciphers and would conjure up some memories of him and the intimacy they'd shared. "Come on, come on, you can do it, you can do it," Lee continued to chant his voice taking on pleading tone, desperate for her to remember him.

"AARHGH," Amanda cried in frustration, as the fleeting memory was lost. "I don't know. I'm so confused. I'm beginning to think that I dreamed the whole thing. Maybe I made the whole thing up about the hot dogs...and the chilidogs...and the napkins...and the notes...and I'm confused. I just wanna' go home. I wanna' see my boys. I want my mother," she moaned in a distressed voice as she leaned against Lee and found herself a little surprised at how comfortable she felt in his warm embrace as he wrapped his arms around her.

"I know," Lee crooned soothingly.

"She's making me a pot roast," Amanda said in a pouty voice imagining her mother in the kitchen, prepping for dinner when another flash hit her. The refrigerator. this brought on a memory of something else as she glanced for a moment at Lee's front door.

"I know, I know," Lee lightly began patting her shoulder to comfort her as he held her. He couldn't help a slight smile at the way that she was clutching the front of his shirt, clinging to him for comfort. He was about to suggest that she lie down to calm herself until he saw her lift her head to look into his eyes.

"You lied to me," she told him softly.

"What?" Lee looked startled, his eyes wide with alarm.

"You said we weren't involved," Amanda accused him as she pulled back from him slightly.

"We...Uh...we...you...I..." Lee sighed. "We're not involved," Lee told her sadly.

"NO?" Amanda questioned.

"No," Lee lied as he shifted uncomfortably at her unbearable closeness as she as still clutching the front of his shirt, his arms still around her.

"No, huh? Then why do I have this distinct memory of the two of us...here...right over there..." she nodded to the door, "...being very...um...involved."

"Okay, yes, Amanda, I lied...sort of..." Lee sighed.

"What do you mean, sort of?"

Lee sighed again, pulling back from her a bit, but still leaving one arm draped across her shoulders and explained, "Yes, we've...Um...' he paused as he searched for the right words. made love, his heart screamed, but felt that would be too much for her to hear and he wasn't sure himself that he was ready to say those words out loud even though he'd come to think of their romps that way. "We have had...well, we've..."

"We've slept together," Amanda completed softly as his nervousness confirmed the suspicions brought on by her befuddled memory.

"That's a pretty loose term," Lee argued with a teasing grin in an attempt to lighten the mood. "There hasn't been any actual sleeping involved. We...uh...we've never spent a night together...never been on a date...never..."

"So...what...are we just...having an affair? Is that why no one's supposed to know that I know you? I mean, my mother told me that I have a fiancé'"

Lee snorted, "That's a pretty loose term too."

"What do you mean?"

"That guy...he's not your fiancé. You've been turning down his marriage proposal for months. In fact, I don't even know why you're still seeing him. It's not as if he's giving you what you need or you wouldn't keep coming to me to get what you're missing," Lee barked in irritation.

"Is that what I've been doing?" she questioned as she inched her way closer to him, her stomach filling with butterflies again. When Lee only swallowed hard and gazed at her, she kept going, "What exactly is it that you think I've been missing? What do you give me that he doesn't?" She leaned closer, her lips now scant inches from his, trying to fight the overwhelming desire to kiss him, her heart racing.

Lee unable to fight it any longer, grasped the back of her head and answered, "This," just before his lips descended on hers, his tongue slipping out to coax her mouth open.

Amanda let out a low moan as she opened her mouth to his, thrilled by the gentle pressure of his mouth on hers, the way he was teasing her with his tongue, the way his fingers tangled in her hair as they kissed long and slow, awakening feelings in her that she thought she'd forgotten. Seemingly of their own accord, she found her hands drifting to his shoulders, pushing at the gun holster, the action seeming all-too familiar to her. "Ugh," she groaned with a sigh when it didn't give as much as she wanted it to with the way he was holding her so tightly.

"Let me," Lee offered as he expertly removed his gun holster, setting it aside on the coffee table before taking her in his arms again, kissing her tenderly, as he pushed her coat off her shoulders, then slid his hands beneath her soft sweater, caressing her skin beneath it while Amanda worked on the buttons of his shirt, yanking the tails of it from his pants when she'd finished with the buttons, disappointment flooding through her as her hands only made contact with the fabric of his turtleneck.

Amanda sighed in frustration, breaking their kiss and said, "What is it with you and the layers?" the question seeming eerily familiar just as his touch on her skin did.

Lee chuckled and informed her, "You've said that to me before?"

"I have?" she questioned.

"Mm-hmm," he confirmed as he pulled back from her long enough to yank the turtleneck over his head. "There. is that better?"

"Much," Amanda said as she lowered her lips to his chest.

"Mmm," Lee sighed, enjoying the feeling of her warm lips on his skin until alarm bells started to ring loudly in his head telling him how wrong this was. He reached for her shoulders and gently pushed her away, saying, "We should stop. This is a bad idea. You...uh...you don't really know me...not with what's happened to you."

"No, I...I...Um...I think I do...and I...I trust you," Amanda said as she slipped her arms around his neck as she slid into his lap, and placed a tentative kiss to his lips.

Lee sank into her embrace, giving up all pretense that he wasn't dying to make love to her. He grasped the back of her head firmly to deepen their kiss while he tugged at the bottom of her sweater, running his hand up under it, surprised to discover that she wore no bra under it. He broke their kiss long enough to pull it over her head, then lowered her to the couch, pinning her beneath him as he kissed her, then shifted to capture one pert nipple in his mouth while he slipped once hand between them to loosen the button on her jeans.

"Oh, Lee," she sighed at the intensity of the feelings he was creating in her wondering how she could ever have forgotten something that felt this good.

Hearing his name on her lips, just made Lee want more, want to really make love to her, as he'd never gotten to do. She was fine with the wild sex, but every time, he tried to slow things down, she pushed for completion, for instant gratification. "Hold that thought," he said as he pulled back from her again, determined that once, just once, he was going to make love to her the way that he wanted to. He rose to his feet, kicked off his shoes, discarding the rest of his clothing before turning back to her, to relieve her of the rest of hers as well, her shoes soon joining his on the floor. He then lifted up on her bottom to peel her jeans down her legs, taking her panties with them, tossing them aside as well, before settling himself back on the sofa with her. He captured her lips with his own again, gently probing her mouth with his tongue, setting them both on fire, while his hands travelled up her legs, before he lowered his lips to other places, first her earlobe, then her neck, then he worked his way down her slender body, kissing every patch of exposed skin that he could.

"Lee,' she hissed as her desire for him only increased with each part of her body he touched, kissed and teased. "Oh!' she cried as his lips met the juncture between her legs and began to gently stroke her with his tongue, licking and teasing her, her hands involuntarily flying to his head, gripping him as if to hold him there, sliding her hands through his silky hair.

"Amanda," he murmured against her as dipped his tongue into her, gently probing her, getting excited by the fact that even without all her memories, she was still impossibly wet for him. Hearing her crying his name and thrashing wildly beneath him as he brought her to orgasm only excited him more and he couldn't hold back any longer, sliding up the length of her body, he sheathed himself in her welcoming warmth. He planted his feet against the arm of the couch, giving him just the right leverage to push into her more deeply, wanting to be as close to her as he could since he knew he'd come very close to losing her.

"Lee," Amanda whimpered softly, the tremors from her climax not yet having subsided before he'd entered her. Now, the sensations were just building all over again as he withdrew from her only to penetrate her again, the feelings seemingly new, yet very familiar at the same time. She smiled up at him while his eyes bored into hers, the same way his erection bored into her body. She propped one leg up on the back of the couch opening herself further to him, gripping his shoulders tightly. She heard herself letting out wild moans that she never knew she was capable of as he moved into her over and over again, deepening their connection with each stroke, until she felt herself tumbling over the edge again, just as she felt him exploding within her.

"Oh, Amanda," Lee croaked out, a hoarse whisper all he could manage as his emotions threatened to get the better of him when he reached his peak. Seeing her gazing so affectionately at him was more than he could take. He lowered her head to suckle her neck as he continued to pump his seed into her until he was spent and collapsed atop her, his heat rate out of control. "I'm sorry," he said when he was able to speak again still not looking at her hid head still buried in her hair.

Amanda pushed on his chest and inquired, "What are you sorry for?"

Lee pulled himself out of her and off the couch. He turned away from her, unable to look her in the eye as he reached for his underwear and yanked them on. He began fumbling for the rest of his clothing and explaining in a regretful tone, "I...I should have stopped this. I don't know what the hell I was thinking. you don't even know me and I...I took advantage of your weakness."

Amanda scrambled off the couch and began pulling on her own clothing, suddenly very nervous about being naked with him. "You know, I had a say-so in this too. I could have said no anytime."

"But I should have stopped it. You said you were confused and I just made your confusion worse." He knew he'd done some low things in his life, things that he wasn't particularly proud of, but this...this was the lowest.

"Lee, I'm not confused...I mean...I am confused...about a lot of things...but not about this...I...never mind," she gave up as she finished dressing. Why did she bother? She knew she'd never be able to make him understand.

"Look, why don't you lie down and rest? You can use my bedroom..."

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As Lee drove Amanda home from the Agency after regaining her memory and thwarting the bad guys, she spent a good portion of the drive thinking about the conversation they'd had in his apartment. Why had he been so afraid to admit that there was something between them? Why had he denied that they'd been intimate on several occasions. It was infuriating to her. She flushed as she thought of her own actions in practically begging him to make love to her even with no memory of him. She quickly turned her head to look out the window, hoping that he would notice the pink tinge of her skin as those memories enveloped her.

"Everything okay, over there?" he asked in concern.

"Mm-hmm," she replied absently. She took a deep breath as she thought of the conversation that had ensued after their lovemaking and blurted out, "You don't have to feel guilty, you know." Well, not about that anyway. She was still peeved at him for lying to her and hiding his true feelings.

"Guilty? About what?" He tried hard to keep his eyes on the road and appear as nonchalant as possible.

"About...um...you know...about what happened between us at your apartment. I know that since you got me into this business, you feel responsible for me and all, and because of that, you felt responsible for what happened to me...you know with the amnesia, but I want you to know that memories or not, it was still my own decision. You didn't pressure me into anything that I didn't want or take advantage of me in any way."

Lee breathed a sigh of relief. He'd been kicking himself over it since it happened and feeling like a selfish cad. "Good. That's good." He turned slightly to smile at her.

Amanda returned his smile with one of her own. The brief moment was not to last though, because they had just entered her neighborhood.

"Well, here you are," Lee said as he pulled up in front of her house.

"Thanks for the lift," Amanda responded as she glanced at the house before getting out of the car, wanting to make sure that her mother wasn't peering out the window as she didn't want her to see her exiting Lee's car. She'd only pepper her with questions "Damn!' she swore at the car she spotted in the driveway.

"What?"

"Dean's here. It's bad enough that I don't know what to tell my mother about where I've been. What the hell am I going to say to him?"

"Tell him the truth," Lee suggested. "Tell him about us?"

"Us?" Amanda said incredulously. "Since when is there an us? You said yourself today that we're not involved, that we've never spent a night together, never been on a date...No, I'll just think of something else to tell him." Without giving Lee a chance to respond, she flew from his car, slamming the door forcefully behind her and hurried up the front walk and into her house.

"Oh, Honey," Dean cried as he rushed to her and pulled her into his arms. "Oh, my God, am I glad to see you. Are you okay?"

Amanda extracted herself from his grasp and inquired, "Dean, what are you doing here?"

Dean, looking affronted snapped, "What? That's all you have to say? Your mother called me at work in a panic, worried to death that something had happened to you. I left work and rushed right over here so we could try to put our heads together and figure out where you might be and that's your reaction? You act like you're not happy to see me."

"Look, Dean, I appreciate you coming over here and worrying about me and all, but...uh...there's something that I need to talk to you about. Let's go sit down," Amanda suggested with a gesture to the den. She had just stepped across the landing when she was accosted by her mother.

"Amanda, Darling," Dotty exclaimed as she enveloped her daughter in a tight hug. "I am so happy you're home. you have no idea how worried I've been."

"No, I do. I get that you were worried, but I remember everything now. I will explain everything later, but I need a moment with Dean, if you don't mind," Amanda explained as she pulled herself from her mother's grasp.

"Of course, Darling, I understand," Dotty agreed with a giddy smile toward Dean. "I'm just so happy to have you home. I'll...uh...just be upstairs if you need me...or...if you...um...have some news that you'd like to share." She smiled again, hoping that maybe this bout with amnesia had made her daughter come to her senses about accepting Dean's proposal. She quickly trotted up the stairs to leave them alone.

"Come on," Amanda said. "Let's sit."

As they sat together on the couch, Dean took her hands in his and with a worried expression, queried, "What is it, Amanda. What's wrong?"

Amanda took a deep breath and told him honestly, "We are. You and me. I...um...I've tried to get closer to you in the hopes that we might one day have something together, but I...I... " She bit down on her lower lip nervously and continued, "Dean, I care for you. I really do and I don't want to hurt you, but I think we should stop seeing each other now because I'll only hurt you more in the long run if we don't."

"It's because I've been pushing too hard about getting married, isn't it? Look, I'll back off. If you need more time, I'm fine with that."

She shook her head. "Time isn't the issue, Dean. I thought it was at first, but it's been plenty of time and I just don't feel for you what a woman who's thinking about marriage should feel for the man she's thinking of marrying." She swallowed hard. She hated herself for hurting him, but it had to be done, so she plunged on, "I...I...just don't love you. I...I can't. Time isn't going to change that. I'm sorry."

"Amanda, you don't mean that," Dean argued raising his voice as he rose to his feet. "You're making a snap decision because you've just been through a trauma. Give yourself a little time to heal and everything with be alright."

"No, it won't be alright, Dean," Amanda fired back also raising her voice. "In fact, it hasn't been alright for a long time. You said so yourself at Christmas!"

"Forget what I said at Christmas, okay! I want to know where this is coming from!"

At hearing the raised voices, Dotty became concerned and tiptoed down the stairs to find out what was going on.

"Dean, I already told you where this is coming from," Amanda shouted loudly. "I don't love you. I can't love you! We need to just end this now and give us both a chance to be happy!"

"No, Amanda, I don't accept that! You're just scared, but we'll get through this together," Dean responded in a softer tone, placing his hands on her arms in an attempt to calm her but his movement had just the opposite effect.

"Don't!" Amanda ordered as she wrenched her arms from his grasp. "I'm not scared! It's just over! It's been over for months! You asked me at Christmas why we hadn't made love in a while? Do you wanna' know the real answer to that questions? It's because I've been sleeping with someone else for almost four months now!"

"No, Amanda, come on. That's not you!"

"How do you know what is or isn't me? You've never really taken the time to get to know me, what I like, what I don't like. You just see me like everyone else does, this perfect wife and mother. You don't see the woman inside...that there's more to me than just a wife and mother. I'm a woman with needs of my own outside of taking care of everyone else."

"So, what are you saying? That our sex life hasn't been satisfying enough for you?"

"It's not about that, Dean. Or maybe it is, I don't know. I know that's part of it," she confessed. "All I really know is that since I met this other man, I can't stop thinking about anything but him. I...he...he makes me feel sexy and desirable in a way that you never have! In a way that even Joe didn't and he's the father of my children!"

"So, you're saying there really is another guy? So, you've just been stringing me along al this time while you're sleeping around with someone else?"

"It...it wasn't intentional. The first time, it...it just happened. We...we got into a bit of a tight spot together and one thing just sort of led to another, but since then...it's...it's been happening more and more often and I...I can't control myself when I'm around him. Look, I'm not saying these things to hurt you. I never even wanted to tell you about him, but you wouldn't let this go and just let me say good-bye to you and I have to make you understand that I can't see you anymore!"

"Fine!"Dean yelled angrily. "But let me give you a word of warning, Amanda. These fiery, passionate affairs never last!" Dean then walked out of the house and out of her life, slamming the door behind him.

Amanda sighed with a shake of her head, silently cursing herself for letting it drag on this long and not ending it as she should have after her first encounter with Lee. This bout with amnesia and how comfortable she'd felt in Lee's arms even when she didn't fully remember him had taught her that there was no way that she could ever be happy with anyone else.

"He's right, you know," Dotty pointed out as she descended the stairs. "The fiery affairs never last. Who is this man you're involved with?"

Amanda started at the sound of her mother's voice and stammered, "Oh, Mother...I...I just...there is no man...I...um...just had to tell Dean something to make him go away. He wasn't taking no for an answer."

"Uh-huh," Dotty hummed in disbelief, looking at her daughter skeptically thinking that a passionate affair would certainly explain all of her strange behavior over the past few months.

"Mother, really. I'm not involved with anyone."

"Then where were you?"

"I...I...um...I just took a walk to clear my head...you know...the amnesia. The doctor said familiar things might help jog my memory and...uh...he was right. I walked around the neighborhood for a long time and the more I did, the more things came back to me and the more that I realized that I could never have the right kind of feelings for Dean and I felt it was unfair to him to keep letting him believe that I could."

"Uh-huh," her mother repeated. "Well, I guess it's your relationship."

"Not anymore," Amanda replied, relieved to finally have it done and over with. "Listen, I...I...Um...think I'm just going to lie down for a bit before dinner. This day has really wiped me out."

As Dotty watched her daughter disappear up the stairs, she wondered who the man was in her life and just why she was so reluctant to admit that there was one.