A/N: Oh gosh…it has been almost two years since I last updated this… I don't remember why I ever stopped really, but my writing has only improved since then, if anyone out there is actually reading this still haha. I recently remembered how much I love this pairing, and it made me laugh to think that the first chapter of this talks about how I didn't ship yaoi or slash, and now I do….very much so

Chapter 10: Remorse

He waited by their dormitory door, pacing along the hallways before standing like a statue, staring intimidated at the door with the dry erase boards with "Mello and Matt" scribbled across it in blue dry erase marker with some odd doodle of a pop culture reference Mello didn't understand that Matt had insisted on drawing in the corner. The children were supposed to have returned to their rooms hours ago, but after the day's events, Mello couldn't bring himself to step in that door and face Matt. Sure, his rank would most likely be affected if the caretakers found him out, and if it were any other matter or any other person he'd hurt, he would give a damn and haul ass to get inside.

But this wasn't any other person, it was Matt. Ranks could wait for Matt, it was those goddamned ranks which had gotten him into so much trouble in the first place, he couldn't help but ponder that had he put down his goddamn book for a minute and paid some attention to his roommate, maybe he wouldn't have gone out on that trip into town, wouldn't have been in that accident, wouldn't have been so humiliated because Mello couldn't control that goddamn impulse and taken his goggles off. No, he could hurt anyone, except that redhead. That fact alone made his stomach twist and churn in a mixture of worry and regret, because he had hurt him, the only one who mattered to the blonde, and there was nothing he could do to change that fact.

But he could try to make amends—it didn't take his genius IQ to know that standing out in the hallway cowering from his problems wouldn't solve anything. Slowly, Mello reached for the doorknob. Matt must not have been too angry, the door was still unlocked, unlike the time that Mello had accidentally turned off one of Matt's games before he could reach the next save point, Matt had locked him out of the room for half the night, and it took two hours of begging and bribery to finally get him to open the door again. He took a deep breath and pushed the door open, stopping in the open doorway first, taking a deep breath while he surveyed the room. Matt was face down on his bed in silence. No annoying 8-bit music, no explosion sound effects, no glow from television or LCD screens, he just lay sprawled out on his bed, the room smelled strongly of cigarettes; the empty pack on the floor suggested that he'd been hitting the Newport's harder than usual.

"Matt?" it was so hard to speak, like there was a lump in his throat, trying to suffocate him and close off all air. The mass of blankets, stripers and red hair stirred after a moment, he sat up, and his goggles cast aside, no barrier to hide the scarred skin, still quite red, unmistakably from where the glass from the windshield had embedded itself into his skin, but luckily it looked to be fading quickly and wouldn't leave too much of a permanent residual, and those shining emerald green orbs full of fear and what Mello could only guess was pain that stared back at him. "Matt…I…" he crossed the room sitting on the edge of the bed, who knew that a simple glance could tear at the strings of his heart so violently, he almost felt dizzy. "I'm so sorry…"

"I know…" his green eyes glimmered as his lips pulled up in a halfhearted smirk, trying to lift the spirits of the other, despite the day's events.

"I didn't know you were so—,"

"I'm not self-conscious about the scars, if that's what you think this is about." Matt cut him off.

"But when I took your goggles…" Mello said quietly.

"It's not the scarring that gets to me. It was, initially." Matt started. "But that's when it started to bother me, I was looking in the mirror more and more, and that is when I realized, I look like my father…Just like my father." He added quietly. "I don't want anyone to see it."

"Well, it's just genetics…"

"I hate my father." Matt said slowly, putting emphasis on every word. "He's the reason I'm here. He's the reason my mother is dead. He's the reason my brother is dead. He's the reason I'm not dead with them….I still have nightmares about what that bastard did to us…I still don't understand why he—I don't want to be associated with that monster. I don't want people to see what kind of bastard is inside me." His voice started to crack as he tried to fight back the emotions the orange tinted sanctuary usually helped him hold in. Instinctively, Mello reached for him and pulled him close. Sure, the door was open, but he didn't give a shit anymore. It had taken him too long to finally realize what was in front of him all along – he had feelings for Matt that went beyond the simple title of 'best friend' but not quite the same feeling as one would label a brother. No, despite his genius IQ, Mello was finally realized the reason thinking about Matt twisted his stomach in knots and filled it with butterflies, the reason his heart hammered at the sound of his voice or the way his legs turned to jelly with just one flash of those green eyes—he had feelings for Matt. The silly descriptions he'd read in literature and seen in the movies that the staff occasionally played in the recreation room as a reward for the student's hard work – they were all true.

"Well I'm the reason." Mello spoke softly. "That the bastard is never going to come near you again, you hear? You aren't a monster, Matt. Whatever that man did to make you believe such a thing, I'm going to try like hell to show you the opposite." before his brain could tell him otherwise, he closed the gap between them, pressing his lips to Matt's, moving them forcefully, hungrily, nothing like the pitiful attempt he'd shown him on the rooftops. Matt froze at the initial contact, but quickly leaned into Mello's lanky form, his muscles relaxing as gloved hands found their way into Mello's hair, entangling themselves within the golden locks, pulling the older boy closer with very little effort. When the two finally pulled away for air, emerald green met steel blue, and neither looked away. "I think I made my point." Mello smirked, his lips still tingling from the sensation; he didn't even mind the taste of menthol cigarettes on his lips mingling with the usual taste of chocolate. "Sorry…" he backed away.

"Don't be…" Matt said breathlessly, all thoughts of his face and his father long gone, replaced by the fireworks in the back of his mind. He'd occasionally caught glimpses of Mello changing clothes, but thought nothing of it, his figure was feminine enough in the hips, especially the way that he dressed, but he'd never thought he was attracted to Mello himself, until that kiss, no kiss from any girl or hidden boss or high score on any video game could compare to the euphoria he'd just experienced. It was at that moment, that he realized, that maybe he was not as straight as he'd initially thought, but as long as he had Mello, he was okay with that fact. "Do you think…we could do it again?"

"What kind of game are you playing?" Mello smirked back at him.

"Depends, goldilocks. Did I just advance to the next level?"

A/N: well…it's a short chapter, but a chapter nonetheless. Maybe next chapter will be longer (hopefully…)

Reviews are definitely appreciated, especially on a fic I've almost completely forgotten about.