'Captain,' said Spock in a whisper as they went along, 'I am rather bewildered.'

Kirk turned to Spock in mock surprise. 'You, Spock, bewildered?'

'Yes,' said Spock rather annoyed by his captain's habit of repeating back every slightly emotional thing he ever said, 'I do not understand, how all of you and especially Mr. Chekov are so seemingly knowledgeable about this land and its customs, if you have never been here before.'

'Spock, have you ever read The Lord of the Rings?'

'No, captain, I do not believe so.'

'You have not read Tolkien's great classic? Spock, I am shocked.

'I do not see how these two subjects are related,' Spock said putting on his best I-am-a-great-scientist voice.

'Well, you would,' Kirk said, patting Spock's arm, 'if you had read it.'

Spock hesitated. He did not like the idea of all his crewmates knowing something he didn't. It wasn't fair. Of course, it was perfectly all right for him to know things that they had no clue about, but when the tables turned Spock was not pleased.

'My father did not approve of fantasy novels.'

'Your father is so boring,' Kirk said, 'besides I would not consider Tolkien's epic to be a –'

'Be quiet!' Gandalf shouted at them, 'we are trying to discuss important matters here.'

'Are ya Gandalf?' Scotty asked suddenly, 'I mean the real Gandalf.'

Scotty had always loved the character of Gandalf, ever since he had discovered The Hobbit in college. He had actually thought of him as a sort of role model.

'Yeah,' said Aragorn, suddenly suspicious, 'that is a good question. Is he the real Gandalf? I mean what if he were actually Saruman.'

Gandalf looked very irritated. He was not risking his life on a dangerous quest in order to have his identity questioned.

'I am Gandalf,' he snapped.

'So you claim,' Aragorn said. 'But how can we be sure?' He leaned closer.

'Because only the realGandalf would know that you made passionate love to Elrond on midsummer's eve fifteen years ago.'

'I did not make love to Elrond,' Aragorn said, blushing furiously.

'Really?' Gandalf raised his eyebrows. 'From the look of things when I walked in –'

Aragorn glared at him. 'I barely kissed him.'

Gandalf did not look as if he believed him in the least. 'I wouldn't call – '

'All right, I believe you. You're the real Gandalf. Now, please, stop,' Aragorn begged.

Gandalf smiled smugly.

Legolas smirked. 'You kissed Elrond?'

Aragorn whirled on him. 'Yes, I was drunk, all right? I couldn't see clearly. I thought he was Arwen.'

Legolas burst out laughing.

Boromir looked puzzled. 'You mistook Lord Elrond for Lady Arwen?'

'Strong family resemblance,' Aragorn muttered.

'Very strong,' Legolas giggled.

'If you don't stop that,' Aragorn threatened, 'I'll tell everyone about the time I caught you throwing acorns at Lord Círdan, and –'

'Now, now,' said Gandalf, 'there is no need for us to drag out each other's most embarrassing secrets. We have more important things to discuss.'

'Like what?' Pippin asked disappointed.

'Like which way we should go. Now, there are three ways we can go: we can try climbing Caradhras, go through Moria, or go through the Gap of Rohan. Of course, we can't go through the Gap of Rohan because Saruman is guarding it, so…'

'We only have two choices,' said Pippin cheerfully, trying to be helpful.

Gandalf glared at him.

'Sorry,' Pippin said.

'Why did I ask to take you along again?'

Pippin shrugged.

'Ahhhhh,' Gandalf said and put his hand to his forehead.

'Maybe,' Aragorn joked, 'you are trying to lose your reputation as being wise and boring?'

Gandalf harrumphed. 'Well, now, we aren't getting anywhere fast, are we?'

'I could help,' said Kirk.

Gandalf glanced sharply at him. 'How?'

'Well,' said Kirk trying his best to look wise and Valar-sentish, 'if you go up Caradhras you will find trouble, but if you go into the mines of Moria you will also find trouble.'

Gandalf stared at him. 'How on earth is that helpful?'

'I don't know,' said Kirk, 'I was only trying to tell the truth.'

Spock tugged on Kirk's arm. 'Maybe we should let these gentlemen decided for themselves where they are going.'

'Either way they choose we are going to Moria,' Kirk whispered to him.

This time Legolas was not chasing butterflies, so he heard them.

'I heard that,' he said proudly.

Kirk whirled round. 'What?'

'What you just said. That either way we went, we were going through Moria. What did you mean?'

'Well, you see,' said Kirk nervously, 'if we climb that mountain, when we get to the top, there will be an avalanche, and we'll have to turn back.'

'Really?' said Gandalf mystified.

'Now,' said Pippin, 'we have only one choice.'

'BE QUIET, PIPPIN!' Gandalf roared, then quickly calmed himself, 'I suppose we will have to go through the mines then.'

'Good,' said Gimli.

'NO WAY AM I GOING TO ANY FILTHY, DIRTY, STINKING, MONSTROUS, SCARY, DARK, AND MOST LIKELY EXTREMELY DANGEROUS MINES.'

Everyone sighed and turned to Legolas, who was already hyperventilating at the thought.

'I am not very fond of them myself, kid,' Aragorn said putting on a paternal tone and patting Legolas on the arm.

'Kid? KID?'' Legolas exclaimed in indignation, 'Do you have any idea how much older I am than you?'

Aragorn sighed, and his hand dropped to his side. 'No idea.'

'The mines it is then,' said Gandalf, before anyone else could object.

Frodo felt terribly left out. After all, he had not been mentioned once in this chapter, and he was the main character. When he had taken the role of ring bearer, he had thought that he would somehow be important, but alas! this did not seem the case. He glared at Pippin, who though was a fool and was not even suppose to be on this quest had been mentioned FIVE times already, six if you counted the glaring. Frodo felt awful. He trudged along near Sam and thought about how miserable his life was.

They went along in this manner, until they came across a door carved in the side of the mountain that was made visible by the moonlight shining on it.

'How fascinating,' Spock exclaimed, 'some kind of reflexive stone must be used in the carvings.'

'Spock, Spock,' said Kirk, 'can't you just say its beautiful?'

But Spock had already whipped out his tricorder.

Kirk looked rather annoyed.

'How do we get inside?' Pippin asked.

'Gandalf can probably open it with magic,' Frodo said quickly – glad to say his first line in this chapter.

Hours dragged by as Gandalf tried to remember the password. Everyone got very bored. Merry and Pippin had some fun hurling big rocks into the water, but then Aragorn made them stop.

'Isn't the password 'Mellon'?' McCoy asked. The doors rolled open.

'Well, I suppose it was,' said Gandalf furrowing his brow, 'but if you knew all this time why didn't you tell us earlier?'

McCoy hung his head and said nothing. He was glad that they had not had to climb the mountain, but he was not eager to enter the dark caves either.

'Well, come on,' said Gandalf, 'come in.'

He started to ascend the stairs.

Suddenly and without warning, a huge tentacle seized Frodo.

'Help! Help!' Frodo screamed, as he was dragged towards the dark water.

'Coming, Mr. Frodo!' cried Sam the only one not paralyzed by fear. Gandalf stood frozen on the stairs. Obviously he was not trained to deal with tentacled things, neither was Aragorn, or the warrior Boromir, nay not even Legolas the archer, or Gimli with his mighty axe, but Sam was not so picky about his job requirements. He was rather used to listening to orders, and Mr. Frodo had definitely told him to help him, so why shouldn't he? Off he darted and stabbed the strange snake arm with his dagger. The creature in the water sunk beneath it and disappeared.

Wow, what relief, thought Gandalf, but as I always say Hobbits are surprisingly surprising, whatever that means.

'Quick, everyone get inside,' Gandalf shouted, and no one argued.