Just as soon as they got inside, the doors slammed shut behind them with a tremendous crash.

'Looks like we can't get back that way,' Chekov said.

'Thanks a lot, Captain Obvious,' McCoy muttered.

'Hey!' Legolas said, whirling his heels, 'that's my title!'

Chekov raised an eyebrow. 'You're going to have to fight me for it,' he said. There was an evil gleam in his chocolate brown eyes.

Legolas turned in a slow circle. 'This place is sure dark, dank and scary.'

'Yes,' Chekov countered, 'it looks like a cave.'

'A scary cave.'

Kirk groaned.

'Can I play too?' Pippin said, 'look! I think Gandalf might have used magic to light up the end of that wand.'

'Be quiet, you fool of a Took,' Gandalf snapped, 'be quiet all of you. We have entered the Halls of Moria.'

'Moria?' Spock said, 'that is an interesting name. What does it mean?'

'It means,' said Gandalf, with a wrinkle of his brow, 'black pit.'

'There is a chasm around here somewhere, right?'

'No, Legolas,' Gandalf harrumphed, 'it was named that because of the particularly dark stones of the fruits found hereabouts.'

'That is indeed interesting,' Spock said, 'Can these plants grow without light?'

'No,' Gandalf grumbled, 'of course, there is a chasm. What kind of dimwits am I traveling with anyway?'

Spock straightened up and looked indignant. 'I graduated near the top of my class…'

'Not the top?' Kirk said surprised.

Spock looked a little abashed. 'The combat trainer did not like me, sir, because I refused to participate in unnecessary and violent actions.'

'You mean training for combat?'

'Ah…yes, captain.'

'I see. And how did you ever get to be where you are in the line of command, without combat training?'

'Well, in the end, I was forced to participate, but my grades reflected his emotional displeasure with me.'

'Spock, refusing to listen to an instructor does not show good character skill.'

'I was making a moral stance. I despise violence. I am a pacifist.'

'I don't like violence much myself,' Pippin put in, 'it's all bloody and gross. We could form a committee of nonviolent Fellowship members.'

'I may just take you up on that offer,' Spock said, looking down at him with esteem.

'Oh,' Boromir grumbled, 'just what we needed more people who don't fight.'

'Wait,' said Aragorn looking the Enterprise crew over, 'what do you have for weapons?'

'We don't,' Kirk said, 'we told you earlier we lost them.'

Aragorn blinked. 'Then why are you here?'

'Because –' Kirk began.

'Revenge!' Sulu exclaimed, whipping out his foil again.

' – we want to help you.' Kirk glared at Sulu.

'Right...' Aragorn said, 'and following us around with no means to protect yourselves helps us, how?'

'We'll distract them,' Uhura said, who, for a communications officer had been very quiet up to that point, 'I know some pretty interesting sounds we could make that would drive any creature insane.'

Kirk turned to her. 'And you haven't used these before, because?'

Uhura pouted. 'Because, sir, you never let me go down on missions with you.'

'That's not true…I mean what about the Triskelion incident?'

'One of the rare exceptions.'

'Well, what about the time, when we went to that parallel universe thingy?'

'That was a diplomatic mission…'

'Well, maybe it's because I don't want to waste a valuable communications officer like you.'

'Don't be silly,' Uhura interrupted, 'I mean really if you are going to take it to that level, why is it that on almost every mission we risk the lives of the captain, the first officer, the chief medical doctor, and sometimes even our chief engineer!'

'I like gambling,' Kirk said, 'the higher the stakes, the better I do.'

'Right. So that means you don't rank me as a high risk.'

'Um, Miss Uhura,' Chekov said, 'if, um, these sounds can drive just about any creature insane…what about us?'

Uhura frowned. 'Unfortunately, Mr. Obvious, you have a good point.'

Chekov beamed.

'Hey,' Legolas said, 'I'm Mr. Obv –'

'Be quiet!' Gandalf shouted. 'Has anyone noticed, besides me, how we have not been moving anywhere, throughout this whole ridiculously long conversation?'

Legolas nodded eagerly. 'That was the point! I don't want to go deeper into the scary, dark, bad smelling, Orc laden, dwarf-lived-in caves!'

Gandalf sighed. 'I should have known.' He took a pause to swallow down most of his anger before bursting out: 'All right, everyone, onward in silence! If one of you so much as squeaks—with no good explanation—I will throw him in the abyss!'

'What if I were to stub my toe?' Legolas asked.

'Or bump into a wall?' Merry inquired.

'Just keep your teeth clamped down on your lip, and you'll do fine.'

''Ike 'is,' Pippin said.

Gandalf turned to see that he was indeed biting his lip. 'Yes, splendid, splendid. Onward, march!'

Sulu marched forward like a band boy in a parade. Gandalf grabbed his arm. 'We just walk.'

'Oh,' said Sulu, 'thanks goodness. I was getting a little worried there.'

'Ai,' Scotty said, 'did you take terrain with Professor Sny?'

Sulu nodded. 'Yeah, that's guy was a real killer. He made us march up a mountain.'

Scotty nodded and smiled. Nostalgia dripped like sweat from his forehead, or maybe he was sweating from the very memory. 'Those good old academy days.'

'Did he really kill anyone?' Pippin asked, who had been trying desperately to stay quiet, but it just wasn't meant to be.

'Well,' Scotty said, 'they did have to fly up to get one guy.'

'Did they get him with an eagle?' Pippin asked, eyes wide in wonder.

'Ai,' Scotty said, 'a 2309 Eagle, the model was a little old, but it still worked. The school's transporter was out at the time. Poor chap, the sun burnt him up quite a bit.'

'Did they go that close to the sun?' Pippin asked.

'Let, me tell you, lad,' said Scotty, 'the sun is not something to be messed with. That man there, my captain, he's a bloomin' lunatic made us spiral around the sun, nearly burnt our ship up more than once.'

'We'll have time for stories later,' said Gandalf, 'but moving is most important right now.'

'You're right I suppose,' Scotty mumbled, 'even things in the book probably moved faster than this. You'd probably be past the entrance by now…you know I never did finish the Fellowship.'

'Finish the Fellowship?' Boromir asked, 'are you, by any chance, trying to kill us?'

'No, no,' Scotty said quickly, 'I was talking about a book. I didn't finish a book.'

'Well,' said Gandalf, 'that's not relevant, right now. Onward!'