So, the Fellowship and Kirk and Company went deeper and deeper into Moria.

'We keep on moving deeper and deeper,' Legolas said.

'Yes,' said Chekov, 'We keep on moving deeper into Moria.'

'Would you guys cut that out,' Aragorn snapped.

'Sorry,' Legolas said, 'it just helps me from freaking out if I can say what is going on.'

'Well,' said Aragorn, 'It's giving me the creeps. Gandalf, I thought we were supposed to go in here and then get out. Why do we seem to be descending?'

Gandalf stopped and scratched his beard. 'Hmm, I don't recall this place at all.'

'Are you trying to say we're lost?' Kirk asked.

'Well, not entirely,' Gandalf said, 'I have an idea where we are.'

'Where then?'

'We are in Moria,' Gandalf said, 'and pretty far in, but you're incessant chatter is putting a great strain on my head.'

'We're driving him crazy,' Uhura translated.

Kirk nodded. 'I was brought up on Shakespeare, so I can understand what he is saying.'

'Whose Shakespeare?' Gandalf asked.

'A great Terran poet and playwright,' Kirk said with an over charming smile.

'Terran?' Gandalf's face scrunched up in confusion.

'He's really no one,' McCoy said. 'Don't mind the captain. He has an overactive imagination.'

'Bones!'

'Prime directive,' McCoy said sourly, 'Prime Directive.'

'What's the Prime Directive?' Merry asked.

'If I told you,' McCoy said, 'I'd be breaking it.'

'This looks like a good time for singing!' Legolas burst in. 'Singing always helps everything!'

Gandalf groaned and walked on, holding his lit staff in front of him.

Legolas seemed to take this as his cue, while Sam and Pippin chimed in as backup, the Elf's beautifully melodious tones blending with the sweet, high voices of the hobbits.

'Little light on Gandalf's staff shine a little brighter

(Pippin and Sam: Shine a little brighter)

Show us you're a fighter.

(Sam and Pippin: Shine a little brighter)

Little light on Gandalf's staff shine before

(Pippin and Sam: Shine before us)

Gimli, join the chorus

(Sam, Pippin and Gimli: Shine before us.)

Little Light on Gandalf's staff—'

'Wait a minute!' Gimli roared, 'You just got me to sing along to that! That's the stupidest song ever!'

'It's not stupid!' Legolas said, close to tears. 'You're stupid, you stupid dwarf!'

'Stupid Elf!'

'Please,' Aragorn said, 'you guys need to stop fighting.'

Gandalf rubbed his forehead. 'Everyone just shut up…please. We are lost in one of the most dangerous places in Middle-earth—'

'We're lost!' Legolas shrieked, 'In a dark, scary, foul smelling, Orc-infested, Dwarf-lived-in cave!'

He hugged Aragorn.

'It's going to be all right,' Aragorn said. He nervously pulled away from Legolas and patted his shoulder.

'No need to panic,' Gandalf said, 'I found our way again.'

'You remembered?'

'No, but the air does not seem so foul down there.'

They walked for a while until they came to a perfumery.

'I didn't know that Dwarvesliked perfume,' Legolas said, looking at the many bottles of scent laid out on gold tables.

'You don't know anything about Dwarves. You're just a silly tree-climbing, butterfly-chasing, flower braiding Elf.'

'What's wrong with flowers?' Legolas asked, touching the violets that were twined in his long hair.

Gimli rolled his eyes. 'Nothing, beautiful.'

A slow smile slipped across Legolas's face. 'Why thanks, Gimli.'

'Durin's beard,' Gimli groaned, 'He thinks I've complimented him.'

'Well, haven't you?' Kirk said. He nudged Gimli towards Legolas. 'Maybe there's some sexual tension there you need to work out?'

'Ew!' Legolas said. 'I'm not attracted to him. He's got a beard!'

'Yeah.' Gimli glared. 'And he's a bean pole.'

'We're moving on,' Gandalf said. They moved on.

'So,' Spock said walking along side Frodo, 'how did you come across the Ring?'

Frodo looked up. A whole chapter and a half had rolled by without his mention, but now someone was finally paying attention to him.

'Don't mention the Ring,' Aragorn hissed angrily, 'least of all in a place like this.'

'I'm sorry,' Spock said. He looked away.

'I'd gladly tell you about it,' Frodo broke in quickly and quietly. Spock looked back with interest.

'Well,' Frodo said, 'You see, Bilbo – he's my second cousin – he found the Ring on a quest for another treasure—'

'The quest of Erebor,' Gimli said excitedly, 'the war against the dragon. When the dwarves reclaimed their gold! I wanted to go, but my dad said I was too young.'

Frodo sighed and went on. 'Well, Bilbo was captured by Goblins, but then Gandalf helped him escape—'

'I did indeed,' Gandalf said, 'and just in the nick of time too.'

'Yes, well,' Frodo said, 'Bilbo fell down a hole with a wicked creature called Gollum—'

'Gollum's not wicked,' a low voice hissed from the dark, 'Hobbitses are wicked. Stole my precious.'

'Would you guys please stop interrupting me? Anyway, Bilbo and Gollum had a riddle competition.'

'He tricked us, my precious.'

Frodo chose to ignore the voice. 'And Bilbo won, but Gollum would not show him the way out of the hole, even though he promised—'

'Not fair. Not fair. How should we know what he had in his pocketses.'

'Whoever you are,' Frodo said, 'would you please stop talking like that. It's creeping me out. Anyway, Bilbo found…It…'

'The Precious!'

'…and put It on, and followed the creature out.'

'Gollum is not a creature. Gollum, gollum.'

'And then Bilbo brought It to the Shire,' Frodo continued, 'And fifty or so years later, I got it for my birthday present.'

'It sounds like a rather dangerous birthday present,' Spock said.

Frodo nodded. 'It's a terrible burden really.'

'Then why not let me carry it for you?' Kirk asked, 'I'm stronger, and a more complex hero.'

Frodo shook his head. 'It's mine.'

'No, it's mine,' the voice in the dark hissed. 'Ours. My precious.'

'Oh, shut up,' Gandalf said.