9 Tom's POV
After everyone had finished, I immediately went to clear up. It was good to have a tidy house, she always used to say so, used to get so angry if I didn't tidy up after myself. If there was so much as a crumb left behind she'd shout and be disappointed in me. I always tidied up now, made sure the house was a pleasant place to be. Or at least, it was pleasantly clean to be inside, which was something.
"Hey, don't worry about the plates, we'll sort them out." Harry stopped me, grabbing my wrist.
"I can do it." I could do it; I wasn't so useless I couldn't wash up a couple of plates. Even after these past few days, I could do things; I could do good at times.
"Yeah but you made lunch, the least we can do is clean it up." Harry insisted, taking everything off me and taking it to the dishwasher. I didn't even know how to protest that, so slumped back in my seat, wondering what else I wasn't going to be trusted to do anymore. Had everyone decided that I was utterly useless and unable to do anything anymore? It felt like it, and the idea was devastating. I could do good, I could do things well, I swore I could.
"Dada! Dada!" Buzz decided to speak up then, fidgeting in his chair and reaching out for me.
I hesitated at first, scared someone was going to take him from me, but nobody did, so I picked my son up, pulling him out of his chair and into my lap. But Buzz didn't seem to want to sit and cuddle, he was wriggling about, trying to get on the floor. Oh, he'd just wanted out of his high chair, of course. Should have guessed that really.
With a sigh, I let him down, watching him run to the back door, his tiny hands reaching out to pull the handle.
"I think he wants to go out and play." Dougie commented, smiling fondly at the child.
"A few days couped up in a hospital will do that to you when you're that age." Danny agreed, I hid a wince. If I'd have known I'd end up there, I would have kept myself going damn it! I wasn't... I hadn't been thinking right; I hadn't thought things through properly. If I had, I would have made sure I was in a state to look after Buzz.
"Why don't you go out and play with him a bit? Let him get rid of some of that energy, and spend some time with him." Danny suggested, hand resting on my arm for some reason. Was he trying to get rid of me? Get me out of the way? But why? And why trust me with Buzz? She didn't trust me with Buzz, told me I'd lose him, or let him get injured because I was careless.
"Er, o-okay." I would have to be really careful, so damn careful. Watch him and make sure he wasn't doing anything dangerous, or potentially harmful. I had to prove I could do it, I dreaded to think what would happen if I didn't. I had already failed Buzz once this week, I couldn't do it again.
I opened the door, following Buzz as he ran out to his toys, immediately going for his hoover. He loved that thing, ran all over the house and the garden with is usually. His hoover and his guitar were his favourite things to play with; he usually had one in his hand at all times.
Immediately Buzz ran around the garden, hovering up the grass under my watchful eye, making sure he wasn't going too near the flowers, or anything he could trip over. His laugh rang out across the garden, something I hadn't heard in a while, it felt like years since I last heard it. I had missed it dearly.
I hadn't usually been allowed to be play with Buzz, or his toys. My wife feared I'd screw it up, let him break something, or take over too much, delay his development. I always took over too much, played with his toys so much he couldn't play with them, or did something to detract from their real purpose. It was why I wasn't actually joining in with his now, and was instead just watching what he was doing. I wished I could join in, tease him a bit, help him put his shapes into the holes on his play set, even if I did have to pretend to sneeze on them first because he found it hilarious. I wished I could actually reach out and hold him, play with him, be a better dad.
I just wished I could actually be a dad to my son, instead of making mistake after mistake, stopping him from properly learning and playing. And I had no idea on how to do it right.