'You know these dead Orcs are really convenient,' Kirk said, plucking a spear from a skeleton as they continued their stroll through Moria. 'We can get weapons now.'

'That was a Dwarf, you dimwit!' Gimli snapped.

'Sorry,' Kirk said. 'They look the same to me.'

'Well, they're not,' Gimli grouched.

'Okay, okay,' Kirk said, raising his hands in mock surrender.

The Enterprise crew fitted themselves with swords, spears, and arrows, and everyone continued on their not so merry way. Well, except Merry. Merry was almost always cheerful, which at the moment was driving at some nerves.

'You know these caves wouldn't be half as bad with draperies,' Merry said smiling. 'I can see it, I really can. Scenes of the open country, rolling hills hoisted up on these stonewalls to let everyone inside know there is a world out there lit with sunlight. Oh, yes, I can see this place working.'

'Oh, be quiet,' Frodo said crossly. 'You aren't even an important part of this story. Everyone overlooks you, and you have done nothing of significance.'

'I got the place for Crickhollow for you,' Merry protested.

'That was written out of the script,' Frodo said.

'I formed a conspiracy to spy on you, and made Sam our chief gatherer of information.'

'Yeah, that was also cut.'

Merry looked perplexed but then smiled. 'What about old Tom? I was the one who chose the shortcut that lead us to Tom.'

'No one remembers Tom Bombadil,' Frodo said. 'And those who do think he's a waste of space.'

'What about the Black Breath?' Merry said. 'I introduced that element.'

'Cut. Added later but never explained.'

Merry frowned. 'Well, isn't that dandy.'

Frodo wrapped an arm around Merry's shoulder. 'It's all right. It's not just you. Ever since those weirdly dressed people showed up at the Counsel, all of our roles have been slashed considerably.'

'But those parts I mentioned came beforethese fine folks,' Merry said.

'Yes,' Frodo said. 'That's true. But they're taking even more away from us. I mean I'm the ring bearer, but I have hardly got a part. It's Sulu and Chekov. Spock and Kirk. They're stealing the story.'

'How rude,' Pippin interjected. 'We are the Fellowship. This is the Fellowship of the Ring — '

'Not anymore,' Kirk said. 'Now it's The Expanded Fellowship of the Ring.'

'I haven't even got a line since the Counsel of Elrond,' Boromir said. 'I'm used to getting more attention than this. Back home I'm a hero. People depend on me to save my country.'

'Where I'm from,' Kirk said. 'People depend on me to save my world, my galaxy, my universe!'

'It's not your universe,' McCoy said.

'It's my universe because I'm in it.'

'Shut up, all of you!' Gandalf said. 'We're camping here tonight!'

They huddled up together in the corner, as Moria was cold, dark, and scary. Suddenly, out of the gloom, a man in a blue jacket and yellow boots appeared.

'Hello, there!' he said. 'Who called me?'

'Who are you?' Kirk asked, blinking at the stranger.

'I'm Tom Bombadil! Old Tom, master of wood and water, of hello, there, Frodo! Did you call me? I came as quick as I could.'

'I might have mentioned your name in passing,' Frodo said, blushing hard.

Sulu grinned. 'He called you a waste of space.'

'What was that?' said Tom to Frodo. 'After all I've done for you? Rescued you from Old Willow Man and the Barrow Weights – I'm a waste of space?'

'Well, you're a bit of a deus ex machina,' Kirk said, chuckling.

Tom whirled to face Kirk. 'Listen here, young man. I don't know you, but I won't be insulted by an arrogant brash like you.'

'Your sentence was redundant,' Spock said.

'What? More sass?'

'Brash and arrogant are synonyms,' Spock said.

'Well, then,' Tom said. 'He's doubly arrogant. And so are you.'

Spock raised an eyebrow.

'Tom,' Gandalf said with a smile. 'I'm glad you've come. That's record speed too.'

'Yes,' Tom said. 'I catapulted myself out here. It was a bit bumpy but overall exhilarating. Then I saw the cave in and thought you might be in trouble, so I convinced those tentacles in the water to clear up the rocks, and I came through.'

'I'm really sorry for insulting you,' Frodo said.

'Yes,' Tom said. 'It was quite out of character for you. You're usually so kind and polite.'

'I think it was the Ring,' Frodo whispered.

'My precious!' came a hiss from the dark. It was ignored.

'Right,' Kirk said. 'Blame the Ring. Blame everything on the blasted Ring!'

'If it weren't for the Ring,' Frodo said, 'I'd be back at home, contently sitting by my fire—'

'Getting fat,' Pippin giggled.

Frodo glared at him.

'Isn't it about time,' Kirk ranted on, 'that you started to take responsibility for your own actions? Where's your sense of duty, of honour! Aren't you the leader of your party?

'No,' Frodo said, 'that would be Gandalf.'

'Well, still,' Kirk said. 'You are an adult, aren't you?'

Kirk looked over the three and a half foot hobbit.

'Of course, I am,' Frodo said indignantly. He turned to Bombadil. 'I am truly sorry, Tom. I was just trying to make Merry feel bad.'

'Why were you trying to upset your friend?' Tom Bombadil said astonished.

'He was being annoying.'

'Hey!' Merry said.

'Well, you were. And I was being an attention-seeking antagonist. I'm sorry.'

'Well, you're forgiven,' said Tom.

'Not by me,' Merry said.

'I made soup,' Sam said.

That shut the other hobbits up. They sat down immediately, so that Sam could ladle out soup for them. The soup was made from water, barley and salt pork and tasted, well not very good, but it was food. The rest of the company came forward too. Sam struggled to satisfy everyone, as the company was rather large of late. Sam couldn't help but think that these strange newcomers were a rather troublesome bunch, and of course, he felt sorry for Frodo. His poor master felt ignored. That shouldn't be! Though Sam had to admit that Miss Uhura was quite lovely. She was nice to him too. She said thank-you twice for the soup (and got a double portion for it). Mr. Spock wouldn't eat it, but his captain took his share.

'Now it's time for us to decide what we should do,' Gandalf said, once they were done eating. 'Do we continue through Moria or do we go back and try and climb Caradhras again, since Tom so amiably opened up that entrance?'

'I think we should go back,' Legolas said quickly. 'I don't like these caves.'

'It's not a questions of liking,' Gandalf said.

'I think we should go back as well,' Aragorn said. 'I just have this creeping, crawling sensation that something bad will happen if we continue on the path we have chosen.'

'Like what?' Gandalf said.

'Like you might die.'

'Not this again.' Gandalf huffed.

'I'm just saying.'

'I'm fully capable of taking care of myself.'

'I know you are, but you're looking out for us too, and—'

'What does the ring bearer have to say?' Boromir asked.

Frodo hesitated, looking from Aragorn to Gandalf to Aragorn. At the moment, Aragorn looked angrier, so Frodo said: 'Back.'

So, they picked up their supplies and followed Tom out of the mines of Moria. At the door, Tom waved good-bye to them.

'I have to go back and see my Goldberry,' he said. 'She'll be missing me and expecting her water lilies.'

With that he skipped off, finally disappearing behind the rugged hills.

'How are we ever going to cross these mountains?' Gimli said, looking up at the snowy peaks.

'We could climb,' Legolas suggested. He was happy again because they were out in the open air and not in Dwarven caves, and he willing to try almost anything to stay out.

'You don't have to do that,' Scotty said. 'We can fly.'

'How?' asked Kirk.

'Hot air balloon.'

'What's that?' Aragorn said.

'You'll see,' said Scotty with a wink. He shrugged off his shoulder bag, which he was carrying and pulled out an instant hot air balloon kit. Within an hour, he had a full-blown hot air balloon.

'Bravo, Scotty,' said Kirk.

'Just doing my job,' Scotty said. He was blushing and beaming.

'As engineer?'

'As a miracle worker.'

'I don't think it looks trustworthy,' Aragorn said.

'It will only be able to carry a few at a time,' Scotty warned. 'But believe me, it's trustworthy.'

'I'd better go last,' Gandalf said. 'In case any of those wargs appear.'

'I'll go first,' Merry volunteered.

'And me,' Legolas said.

'I want to go with Merry,' Pippin said.

'And I'll go too,' Scotty said. 'Because I'm the only one who knows how to work this thing.'

So, Scotty, Legolas, Merry, and Pippin floated of into the grey sky and over the mountains.

'I'm afraid of heights,' Sam said on the ground. He was feeling rather ill watching the flight.

'So, am I,' McCoy said. 'But I trust Scotty with every bone of my body.'

'I thought you were the doctor,' said Sam.

'I was speaking figuratively,' McCoy said with a roll of his eyes.

'Oh.'

'Anyway, you can hold my hand when we go over.'

'All right.'

'And being a first timer, you should probably keep your eyes shut.'

'You're very wise, Dr. McCoy.'

McCoy smiled.

Fifteen minutes later, Scotty came back and loaded more of the company on. Soon, all but Frodo and Gandalf were on the other side. Scotty had come back, and they were about to get on when:

'It's starting to snow!' Frodo said. Indeed, it seemed the beginnings of a blizzard. The wind had picked up and was throwing snow and sleet in their faces.

Scotty looked worried. 'I wouldn't trust her in this storm.'

'So, we're stuck here,' Frodo said.

'Looks that way,' Gandalf muttered.

'If only I'd gone on earlier,' Frodo said. 'Merry and Pippin could have stayed behind and gone back to Rivendell. This is horrible!'

'Maybe the storm will pass?' Scotty said.

'Maybe,' Frodo said, sinking to his knees dramatically.

'Don't do that,' Gandalf scolded. 'You're short enough already. Don't want you buried in snow.'

He pulled Frodo to his feet.

A few hours later the storm had stopped and the hot air balloon had been bashed to bits.

'Now what do we do?' Frodo moaned.

Scotty opened his pack and pulled out another kit. 'Hang glider.'