Finally the full Fellowship, and its extra members, was on the other side of the mountains. Frodo had positively squealed when they had lifted into the air on the hang glider, and he was still trembling when his feet were back on the ground. Sam wrapped his arms around him.

'It's all right, Mr. Frodo,' said Sam soothingly. 'It's over.'

Frodo clung to him and wouldn't let go for the next three hours of walking. Pippin got jealous.

'Why does Sam get to hold him?' he asked Merry. 'Frodo's ourcousin.'

Merry shrugged. 'I'm still not talking to Frodo, so it really doesn't matter to me.'

Pippin pouted. He didn't think it was fair. Frodo was supposed to be friends with him and Merry, not Sam. Sam was Frodo's gardener, for goodness's sake! But everyone acted like they were a couple or something…wait, were they? Frodo didn't seem the coupling type, never showed any interest in courting at home. Pippin looked suspiciously at Sam, who was looking rather confused but pleased by Frodo's profuse hanging on.

'Hey, Sam,' Pippin said, 'Your arm must be tired. Let me hold up my cousin a bit.'

'I'm fine,' said Sam. He shot Pippin a glare.

'No, really,' said Pippin. He tugged on Frodo's arm. 'I insist!'

'No, no, I can handle him!' Sam pulled Frodo back.

Though Frodo's outward expression was one of puzzlement, his inner heart was bursting. This was the sort of attention he had been hoping for. People were fighting over him!

'He's mine!' said Pippin, yanking Frodo's arm so hard that all three of them went tumbling to the ground.

'Now look what you've done!' Sam snapped. He started wiping the dirt off Frodo's breaches. 'Are you all right, Mr. Frodo?'

'Yes, yes,' said Frodo. 'I'm fine.' He smiled at Sam.

'Such foolishness!' Gandalf grumbled, looking back at them over his shoulder.

'Come along, hobbits,' said Legolas cheerily. 'It's a lovely day, and we're out of the mines!'

Legolas was in a super-happy, Legolas mode. He was prancing about, singing silly songs and putting flowers in everyone's hair. Kirk did not mind the Elf's excessive attentions. Spock and Gandalf were not amused, however, and Gimli was positively livid.

'It's better to be in a pit full of Balrogs,' said the Dwarf, 'than stuck with an energetic Elf.'

'You just made that up,' said Legolas.

'Nope,' said Gimli. 'It's a common Dwarven proverb.'

Legolas sniffed. 'Well, then, no wonder your stupid race keeps dying out. You don't know how to choose good company.'

Suddenly, from their side of Moria, a flame-y and shadowy head peeped out.

'What's that?' asked Frodo, pointing a shaky finger.

Legolas whirled around, screamed, and promptly fainted into Kirk's arms.

'Bones,' Kirk said, 'do something! I think he's hurt!'

'He's only just fainted,' said Aragorn. 'It's a normal reaction when confronted with a –'

Legolas's eyes opened a tiny bit. 'Balrog of Morgoth,' he uttered. Then his eyes closed dramatically again. Aragorn sighed. Kirk picked Legolas up.

'Hey, there,' said the Balrog, in a voice as deep as the chasms of the earth and as angry as a very, very, very hot fire. 'You, Gandalf, I was supposed to confront you and die in majesty.'

'Well, I'm sorry,' said Gandalf. 'But I don't really feel up to killing you today, and I really can't understand why you would want to die when the weather is so fine.'

Indeed, the clouds from the blizzard had cleared, and the sun shown brightly forth.

'I hate the sun,' the Balrog moaned. 'It reminds me of my wretched loneliness. The agony I have felt all these years, hiding in the dark under the mountains.'

'So,' said Kirk, 'why don't you come out?'

'I am cursed,' the Balrog intoned sadly. 'I was seduced by Morgoth to the dark side, I have fallen beyond redemption.'

'Did he promise cookies?' Sulu asked.

'Cookies?' said the Balrog in confusion.

'Yeah,' said Sulu. 'You know, little cake things that are soft or crisp. You eat them with milk or tea or coffee or with other beverages…or, or alone. You eat them.'

'Oh,' said the Balrog, scratching his sweltering scalp. 'No, he didn't promise cookies.'

'Well, then,' said Sulu, 'you shouldn't have gone.'

The Balrog blinked blazing eyes at him. He shifted then cleared his throat. 'As I was saying –'

'No, really,' said Sulu. 'You shouldn't just push cookies aside. They're essential to –'

Uhura kicked Sulu in the shin.

'What?' he said.

'Give. It. A. Rest,' she hissed. Sulu was such an idiot. He was going to get himself killed.

'Cookies are –'

Uhura clamped a hand over Sulu's mouth. 'Sorry, sir,' she said, addressing the Balrog, 'he's just a…a…'

'Genius,' Kirk said, stepping in. 'No one should have to live without cookies!'

The Balrog tossed his scorching mane. 'If you don't all be quiet,' he said. 'I will make you into quite crisp cookies.'

'Well, that's not very nice,' Kirk said.

'Keptin,' Chekov said. 'Nowhere in the whole of Tolkien's work –not in The Hobbit, not in The Lord of the Rings, not in The Adventures of Tom Bombadil, not in The Silmarillion, not even in The History of Middle-earth – does it mention Balrogs as being anywhere near nice.'

'Nerd,' Kirk muttered, forgetting that he adored geography and had read and relished every one of Shakespeare's plays.

'Finally,' the Balrog said, looking at Chekov with approval. 'Someone who understands me. What's your name?'

'Pavel Andreievich Chekov.'

'Well, Pavel Andre-whatever,' said the Balrog. 'Would you go up against me?'

'Oh, no, sir,' said Chekov with a low bow. 'I am afraid I must decline your high offer, for although, I have training in defense, my hand-to-hand combat is somewhat deficient, and anyways, I am but a mere mortal and a short one at that. I do not deserve such a challenge, oh, great one.'

'Well,' said the Balrog, 'that makes quite a lot of sense. Perhaps, someone else would like to give it a try?'

'We come in peace,' said Spock.

'But we'll defend ourselves if need be,' said Kirk.

Legolas stirred in Kirk's arms. His eyes fluttered open, and he peered up into the face of the handsome captain. 'PUT ME DOWN!'

Kirk almost dropped him. 'Sorry, but you had fainted.'

'No, I hadn't,' said Legolas.

'Yes, you had.'

'No, I hadn't.'

'Okay, fine,' said Kirk. 'Then what do you call falling back into my arms with your eyes closed?'

'Allergies,' Legolas stated.

'Does anyone want to fight me?' the Balrog asked. He lazily cracked his whip.

'It doesn't look that way,' Sulu said.

'Ah, so is life,' said the Balrog. 'I guess I have to look like the bad guy again and make the first move. Though it was you who were invading my home.'

'Moria is your home, sir?' said Spock.

'Yes,' said the Balrog. 'It has been my abode for many a desolate year…'

'Well, it sounds like you're awfully lonely,' Frodo said. 'Maybe you would like to move somewhere else? We didn't mean to disturb your slumber. We were just passing through.'

'Yeah,' said Pippin. 'We have to make it to Mount Gloom, so Frodo can throw The Thing in the fire!'

'PIPPIN!' Gandalf shouted.

'What?' Pippin said. 'I was using code words.'

Gandalf sighed. 'They're as transparent as water! Now I have to slay the Balrog, so it won't tell its comrades anything.'

'You have a motivation!' Pippin said proudly.

Gandalf groaned.

The Balrog was still puzzling over what The Thing and Mount Gloom were. He had been sleeping too long, hadn't he?

'If we are to attack,' said Spock, 'wouldn't it be better if more than one person was involved in taking him down.'

'A logical suggestion, Mr. Spock,' Kirk said, slapping him on the back.

'I should hope that all my suggestions were logically sound,' said Spock. 'Also, sir, I would ask you to stop hitting my back. It's affecting my nerves.'

'I thought you were stoic,' said Kirk. 'A little tap shouldn't bother you.'

'Yes, but…'

'I don't understand the problem, Spock. What's wrong with a little physical contact?' Kirk smiled at Spock, his hazel eyes sparkling mischievously.

'Sir,' Uhura said, 'aren't we drifting a little off topic? Aren't there more pressing matters?' She jerked her head towards the Balrog.

'Of course, of course.' Kirk turned to the Balrog. 'We have come to a decision, Mr. Balrog.'

'What's that?' said the Balrog, eager for things to move on.

'The wizard in the pointy hat will fight you,' McCoy said.

'I have a name,' Gandalf snorted. He unsheathed Glamdring and held aloft his staff. 'All right, everyone, fly!'

'No, no,' said Kirk. 'If we do that, you'll die or something, and we won't get you back until The Two Towers, and Boromir will try to take The Ring from Frodo!'

Boromir side-eyed him. 'Seriously,' he said. 'Me? Take The Ring? I swore to protect Frodo, and I aim to do so. If anyone is going to take The Ring, it will be you.'

'Would people stop blurting out company secrets?' Gandalf snapped.

'I'm sorry,' said the Balrog, 'but now you've got me curious. What's The Ring?'

'You know Sauron?' said Pippin.

'Yep,' said the Balrog. 'Tall, sexy, into jewelry, Morgoth's pet. Yeah, he's pretty much everything that nauseates me.'

'Really?' said Merry. His eyes were alight with a plan. 'Would you like to help us defeat him?'

'Do I get to personally wallop his sorry buttocks?' asked the Balrog. He ran his whip across the ground.

'Whatever strikes your fancy,' said Merry, trying not to cringe. 'As long, as you aid us and give up this silly challenge.'

'Done,' said Balrog. He held out his hand.

'Great,' Merry said. He shook the air in front of the Balrog's hand and stepped back quickly.

'Oh,' said the Balrog. 'One thing.'

'Yes?' said Merry nervously.

'Can I try one of those cookies you were talking about?' The Balrog's eyes burnt with curiosity.

Merry laughed. 'But, of course! As many as you'd desire.'