12 Dougie's POV
"Doug," Harry hesitated, looking away.
"Yes?" I turned to lie on my side, facing my other half, wondering what was making him hesitate. Something hadn't happened; we'd been with Tom all day and had only just gone up to bed now.
"Can I ask you... Do you mind if... Do you think Tom's depressed?" Harry asked in a rush, like he was scared of my reaction.
"Erm, possibly, why?" I wasn't sure why this conversation was making Harry stutter through it.
"I'm asking because, well... you've had experiences of it, in the past. And you know better than me and Danny what it's like, so maybe you could spot something we didn't." oh, that explained the hesitancy. Harry never liked to talk about my 'Great Depression' days, he didn't like thinking that he hadn't noticed how bad I was getting, and didn't like to remember how much pain I was in. Personally, I didn't mind talking about it when it was important, but it was a bit... it wasn't exactly pleasant, put it that way.
"Ah, erm, well Tom's already bipolar; he could be having a bad dip." I didn't think it was possible to have bipolar and depression at the same time. I could have been wrong there though. To be perfectly honest, I didn't understand depression all that well. I just knew the symptoms, how it affected me, and my methods of coping with it. I coped by keeping busy, and taking medication. For Tom though, I knew that he took medication, and he used to have a therapist, just like I had done, but we'd both dropped them years ago. I didn't think Tom had any other ways of dealing with his bipolar, and if he did, I had no idea what they were.
"He's not acting like he does when he's in a dip though. He isn't snapping at us constantly, or in a horrendous mood, like he usually is. Besides, I've checked his pill box; he's been taken his medication, or at least is making an effort to make it look like he's taking them." Harry explained, "That's why I was asking you, because you know more about de- down moments than anyone." He wasn't good at saying the word 'depression' a lot of the time, he preferred 'down moments,' I had to admit I preferred it that way too a lot of the time.
"Well, it's difficult to say, because everyone is different. The symptoms are generally the same, but the behaviour changes from person to person. Many pretend everything's fine, like I did, to varying degrees of success. Some wallow in it, and do stupid things to make themselves feel better," I didn't mention that that also applied to me, "But generally, they're not this... they're not like he is, with it. They're not this quiet, or this routine orientated." I took a minute to think about it, comparing my experiences to how Tom was now.
"It's difficult to get out of bed, to actually find the energy to do things. Being with people is exhausting, so you tend to avoid interaction as much as possible. But you're also feeling, not exactly ashamed of how you're feeling, but you don't want anyone to know, so you act like you're fine as best you can, and let everything out later, when you're alone. Before, when we both diagnosed, we talked about it together, for several hours in fact, and when Tom's down, he has those symptoms I just said about." I could recall in detail everything Tom said, and how similar our symptoms were.
"Tom's too active, too motivated. I know he seems to be running to exact timings every day, but there's still too much drive there. And he's with us so much; he chooses to be with us when he's not doing something. I don't think this is a depressive dip, it seems too different from his usual behaviour, and I don't think it's him trying to cover it." I explained, I was almost sure of it. I knew Tom well, knew his symptoms well enough, knew them in myself too, this wasn't a bipolar thing.
"Right, so that hasn't narrowed things down." Harry sighed.
"No, but at least we know he's on his meds like he's supposed to be." That was a good sign, in amongst everything bad; at least Tom was still on his medication.
"Good point... it can't all be the divorce though, can it? This isn't just the effects of divorce, it feels too... I don't know, it doesn't feel like that's the only issue here." Harry chewed on his lip in thought.
"I don't know, if you suddenly left me like that, I'd probably fall to pieces too." I'd fall very hard, incredibly hard. Harry was everything, a best friend, lover, band mate, older brother/father figure, protector, everything rolled into one. Without him I didn't know what I'd do.
"I would too. But I just... something isn't right here. Something I can't put my finger on. I wish I could see what it is, but I've got nothing." Harry sighed again, just as the sound of Buzz crying filled the hallway.
Soon there were footsteps crossing the hall, then the sound of Tom gently trying to calm Buzz down. That was another thing; he didn't let us do anything but play with Buzz. He did everything else, even though he'd let us all pitched in several times in the past. Tom now did everything, even down to cleaning him up after a meal. We weren't even allowed to be a part of anything else; Tom always shut us out of it, almost like he was scared to let us see him parenting his son, even though we had seen him do it in the past practically every day.
This really wasn't a bipolar depression, and certainly wasn't induced by mania either. But what else was there? Not much, that was for certain.