13 Tom's POV

"Shh, shhh Buzz, it's okay, I'm here now." I whispered, bouncing my son gently on my hip, hoping to calm him. All I got in return was more loud crying.

"Shh, please shhh. It's okay, it's okay." I kissed his head, checking to see if he needed his nappy changing. That was fine, and he didn't feel hot, so he wasn't coming down with an illness.

"Is it your teeth? Are they coming through?" I tried to check, only seeing the few he already had grown. Couldn't hurt to put on some teething gel though...

Carefully, I took us both downstairs, trying to avoid waking my sleeping band mates, not sure if I succeeded or not. I hoped I had, not wanting to wake them up from their needed sleep. Or for them to hear how I was failing to calm my son. She'd be so disappointed in me right now, taking Buzz off me to do things herself, he always calmed down with her, so easily. She always knew what he needed.

Downstairs, I headed to the kitchen, getting the teething gel out the cupboard and rubbing it into Buzz's gums, before getting out his teething ring, hoping that may sooth him. Or at least give him something to stop the tears.

"Shh, shh, it's okay. It's all okay." I promised over and over, like she used to, not sure if it was doing anything at all. Buzz was still crying, quieter, but that was only because he was muffled by the cold ring in his mouth.

He didn't stop crying, never stopped crying. But I had checked everything, and tried to get rid of his possible pain. If he didn't need his nappy changing, teething gel on his gums, or a new bottle, what else could he want?

He was making sound, like he was trying to say something, but I couldn't figure out what it was.

"What was that Buzz?" I pulled the ring away slightly.

"Mama." Buzz's voice hitched in the middle of the word. Oh God, he was crying for his mum, he wanted her. How couldn't I have seen that? Of course he wanted her, he missed her, she was his mum. He wanted her to come back and hold him and take care of him.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, but she isn't here. I don't know where she is. I wish I did but I don't, I'm so sorry." I stroked his hair, wishing I could bring her back and give him to her. She knew what to do, she kept everything running, she knew how to do things. I couldn't do this; I couldn't do anything, not without her guidance. I wasn't good at this stuff, no matter how hard I tried, but she was, she was good at it all.

"Mama." Buzz mumbled again, tears still falling.

"She's not here ,I'm sorry, I wish she was. But she's not here, and I don't know when she's coming back." I was lying to him now, pretending that she was coming back at some point. I shouldn't have been saying it, but how else could I calm him down? I couldn't tell my son, my special little boy that his mother wasn't coming back, that he'd never see her again. That would be cruel, too cruel for words. I was bad at parenting, but I wasn't that bad.

But was lying worse for him? He wouldn't remember it, he was a baby, but was it bad to not tell him the truth of it all? That his mum had left him, that she wasn't coming back to this place? What was worse, telling or not telling? Especially now, when he was crying like this? He wanted his mum, wanted her to be the one to look after him, but she wasn't here and I couldn't give her to him. I was trying to pretend that if I worked hard, proved I could do this by myself, that I was competent enough, she would come back to us. That if I could do things without supervision, she'd come back, because it meant that she could relax for a bit, instead of having to keep an eye on me. But it wasn't working, and wasn't true. Or at least I was pretty certain it wasn't true. She hadn't said anything like that. She'd just said that she'd had it, that if I couldn't actually learn to do anything right, she couldn't be here anymore. That she was done with me being absolutely useless. And with that, she'd left.

I couldn't tell that to Buzz though, I couldn't tell him that I was the reason why his mum had left. He must have been so confused already. Telling him that would complicate things even more.

So what did I do to help him? Was there anything I could do? Or did I just have to try and get him through this on my own?