Chapter 49- We Don't Do Enough of That
"Over The Limit"
For the fourth night in a row, Lee tossed fitfully in his bed as his tortured thoughts plagued him. He couldn't figure out what he was feeling anymore. He'd had a great time taking Amanda to the opera and she'd looked beautiful when she'd met him at the Kennedy Center. He'd offer her his arm as they'd entered together and throughout the show, he'd found his hand drifting toward hers only to find hers doing the same. It had been nice, but then like an idiot, he'd gone and ruined it by asking her back to his place for a nightcap to which she'd hemmed and hawed, making an excuse about Jamie having a soccer game the next day and needing to be up early. The look on her face when she'd done it had made him seriously wonder if she was now regretting finally allowing him into her bed or for that matter if she was regretting being with him at all. After all, when he asked her about picking her up at her house, she'd said she preferred to meet him there instead. He thought about her mother's words of just a few days ago, that it was okay for him to leave by the front door, yet Amanda had still made him climb out the window and had refused to allow him to pick her up for a real date. What was going on with her?
He turned over onto his back, staring at his ceiling knowing that he'd never get to sleep unless he could shut his mind off to his nagging thoughts. He vividly recalled the apologetic look that had appeared on Amanda's face, which was most likely a reaction to the dejected one that he knew had to have been apparent on his own. She'd immediately suggested an alternative for them to spend more time together, asking him if he'd like to go to dinner the following night to which he'd had to make an excuse himself as he'd already made a date with Leslie for that night. The expression of hurt and disappointment in her dark, expressive eyes told him that she was not a bit happy with him and muttered something about how it was a good thing they'd arrived in separate cars, then had stalked off to her station wagon. He'd called after her, but she never turned around, just peeled away, leaving him standing there with an anguished look on his face, feeling like a class-A heel for making a date with Leslie.
"Leslie," Lee said softly as he threw the covers back on his bed and padded to his living room, making a beeline toward the bar, knowing that he wasn't going to get any sleep without a little help. As he knocked back the scotch that had become his sleeping medicine over the past few days, he wondered just what he was going to do about Leslie. He'd had a great time on his first date with her. He'd wanted to keep it light, just dinner and a movie, a comedy at that, no romantic comedies, as that would put too much pressure on a first date for two people who were just getting to know each other. No action movies either because he had enough action in his life with the way his job was. Therefore, they'd decided on Maxie and they'd both laughed uproariously at the antics of the ghost of the 1920's flapper who'd taken over Glenn Close's sedate housewife much to the confusion of her husband. He'd found though that the references to her being a housewife in the film had only made him think of Amanda, except that she was far from sedate. He wondered what the people at the agency who pooh-poohed her abilities because of being a supposedly reserved housewife would say if they knew just how un-reserved she could be.
He downed his drink and poured another one, walking back toward his empty bedroom with it, strolling to the chair in the corner of the room. He paused and stared for a moment at the pile of clothing awaiting a trip to the dry cleaners, the pants he'd worn to her house the other night slung over the back of it. Picking them up with one hand, he gaped at the large tear down one leg created by her trellis and shook his head. That thought took him back to hearing her mother's voice while he hid in the closet. He let out another deep sigh as his thoughts continued to torment him. Her mother knew about them. Dotty West knew all about their love affair...Or whatever you wanted to call it, so why he was still not allowed to date her properly or romance her the way that he longed to do was a mystery to him.
That was what was nice about dating Leslie. He had picked her up at her hotel; he had taken her out, he had driven her back home again and he had even been allowed a chaste goodnight kiss at her door. It wasn't a passionate kiss; not like the ones that he'd shared with Amanda, but still it had been nice and after all, what was one really supposed to expect on a first date? Before he had left, she'd invited him to be her date for the Soviet Embassy party that she'd be working as a translator and he'd readily accepted. As soon as he'd gotten home that night though, he couldn't stop his mind from drifting back to that New Year's Eve party at the same embassy last year when he'd spent the evening dancing with Amanda, the fun they'd had together until he'd ruined it by getting so drunk that he could no longer stay upright. He cringed as he thought of that and how his stupidity had given Amanda no choice but to care for him until he sobered up a little.
He threw his torn pants back onto the pile in the chair in a huff, drained the last of the scotch as he wandered back toward his bed, slammed the empty glass down on his nightstand and crawled back into bed waiting for the effects of the liquor to kick in so he could shut off his addled brain. As he finally began to sink into an alcohol-induced slumber, his last coherent thought was of Amanda at that New Year's Eve party, that gorgeous black dress that she'd worn and how it seemed that he was always doing something stupid to ruin things between them.
The following morning, Amanda entered her kitchen to the sound of the teakettle's whistling being ignored by her mother. As she began to explain to her about her meeting and how she needed her help to get Jamie started on his worm farm while she poured herself a glass of milk, she couldn't help noticing how distracted her mother seemed. After calling to her twice with no response, she finally walked right up to her and in a singsong voice, called, "Earth to Mother," to get her attention.
'Ha, ha," Dotty chuckled awkwardly, then looked up at her daughter, asking, "Darling, do you think a woman becomes more or less attractive when she gets older? To men?"
Amanda finished swallowing the milk she'd been drinking and answered, "I guess it depends on the woman."
"And the man," Dotty responded dreamily.
"Right," Amanda concurred, wondering where her mother was going with this. As she watched her mother turn her attention back to her magazine, she couldn't help spotting the catalog that slipped out of it. "What's that?"
Dotty tried to grab it, but Amanda was too quick for her, "Oh, that's just one of those throwaway things that they put into these magazines.
"Mother, this is not one of those throwaway advertising things," Amanda argued as she perused her mother's choice of reading material. "This is an entire cata-" She broke off as she flipped to the front cover for a moment and read, "Rebecca's Fantasies. This is an entire sexy lingerie catalog." She flipped through the pages in earnest, her thoughts drifting to Lee's continual teasing about her modest nightgowns and the long-ago overheard conversation she'd had with Penny about sexy nightgowns. She couldn't help wondering what was going on with Lee and why he'd yet again distanced himself from her after she'd finally allowed him into her bed. That was exactly what she'd been afraid of and couldn't help thinking that maybe it had been a mistake. She'd thought they'd had a good time on their date to the opera and was pleased to find his hand seeking hers out, but then when the night had ended and she'd been bold enough to ask him for dinner the next night, he'd hedged and made an excuse about having other plans. She couldn't help wondering if he was seeing someone else or if there was something else going on. Had she scared him off by asking him out? She wondered too, if now might be the time to indulge his fantasy of her in a sexy nightgown to recapture his waning interest. "Oh, would you look at that," her thoughts on if she should order something for herself. She'd worn them for Joe and that had always seemed to spark his attention. But not for long enough, you're divorced, remember? Amanda reminded herself. Off her mother's curious look, she tried to disguise her interest in the featured products she was looking at, by saying, "I don't know why anyone would wanna' wear this stuff. You can read through it."
"You could," Dotty answered dryly, "But when you put one of those things on, I don't think you wanna' curl up with a good book."
"O-kay," Amanda replied as she eyed her mother warily wondering just what she was up to. The last time she'd found a catalog like that one in the house, she'd found out that it was because her mother was anticipating her marrying Dean. After her comments of a few nights ago, she wondered if she was mentally planning her wedding to Lee. Amanda shook her head slightly as if to shake off those nagging thoughts, knowing that would never happen. "I'm outta' here."
While Amanda was contemplating her mother's actions, Lee awoke to the annoyingly cheery sound of birds outside his window. "UGH," he groaned as he rolled over, his half-open eyes falling on his alarm clock. "Shit!" He growled as he bolted out of bed, instantly wishing he hadn't when he was assailed by a pounding in his head because of the previous night's binge. "Shit, I'm late!" He glared at his alarm clock and searched his memory banks, trying to remember if he'd shut it off this morning sometime and gone back to sleep or if he'd just forgotten to set it the night before.
He stumbled to his dresser, yanking open a drawer in search of clean underwear and paused for a moment as his attention was captured by Amanda's next to his in the drawer. He couldn't help smiling slightly at the thought as he recalled how he'd come to be in possession of several bits of her intimate apparel, a couple of bras and multiple pairs of her panties, only a few of which were still wearable due to the frenzied nature of some of their past encounters. He chuckled softly as he realized that he unwittingly had been building up quite a collection, always intending to give them back to her, but never quite doing so as something else always distracted him from that task. He finally shook off those thoughts and resumed the daunting task of getting dressed for the day, reaching for the first thing in his closet before hurrying out the door.
Still trying to shake off the effects of his scotch-fest, he entered the bullpen just in time to hear Billy talking about spring-cleaning only to be accosted by both Francine's salacious jibe of "Ooh, it's the midnight rambler," followed by Billy's stern, "I wanna' talk to you," with a scolding finger pointed at him.
Amanda gazed at Lee worriedly at seeing how tired he looked, Billy's words only half-registering in her mind as she wondered why he looked as if he were still trying to wake up, yawning as he pulled on his suit jacket. He looked as if he'd just fallen out of bed and thrown clothes on before racing for the door. She frowned while she watched him, a surge of jealousy coursing through her, her thoughts once again on her suspicions that he was dating someone new. Now, her suspicions were rapidly becoming more than suspicions. She was certain of it and not only that he was dating someone new, but also that that someone new had kept him up all night.
Amanda tried to distract herself from those thoughts as she tore her gaze from Lee and forced herself to look at the files Francine had just handed her, saying to Billy, "Some of these do look a little strange, Sir."
Her comment had gotten Billy's attention and he approached her to tell her about the date he'd made for her at the firing range. She grimaced slightly, especially when Francine shot her an amused look, but it was a welcome distraction from imagining what Lee had been doing the night before. That distraction was not to last long though, as Francine began running off at the mouth about Lee and the Russian circus and threw some pointed barbs at Lee regarding his appearance. Amanda cheerily said good morning to him amid Francine's taunts, but her smile soon faded when her greeting wasn't returned. She looked Lee up and down while the verbal sparring match continued, noticing that he was still straightening his tie, that his was wearing mismatched socks, that his pants were slightly wrinkled and didn't have their normal sharp crease.
"Francine, do you mind?" Lee sniped in irritation before turning to Amanda, saying, "It's insomnia, that's all," feeling the need to explain himself to Amanda and let her know that he'd been sleeping alone. When he slept at all, that was. He warily approached Billy wondering what kind of lecture he was about to receive. As he listened to Billy's explanation of what he wanted from him, he tried to get out of it. After seeing Amanda offering him only weak, half-hearted smile at his explanation of insomnia, he wasn't sure that the two of them running around together all day would be a great idea, though he couldn't help the slight smile that crossed his face when Billy talked about how enthused she got on the job. He definitely wasn't wrong about that, although, he knew from first-hand experience, that her enthusiasm didn't stop with the job.
Billy glared at Lee's hesitance at working with Amanda on her first spring-cleaning assignment, telling him about the rumors he'd been hearing. When he felt that Lee was finally getting it, he hissed through clenched teeth, "Take care of her," giving him a pointed look before turning toward his office. He hoped that Lee got his true meaning. He'd known for some time that the two of them had long ago become more than partners, but ever since the case surrounding Alan Chamberlain's abducted sister, he'd sensed the escalating tension between the pair and longed to see them work out whatever was coming between them.
He sank wearily into the chair behind his desk worrying about this being the fourth day in a row that Lee had come into the office looking like a train wreck and desperately hoped that he wasn't falling back on old habits. Had he started to feel that he was getting too close to Amanda and now was trying to distance himself again? He'd seen this pattern in him before and feared for his emotional health, as well as Amanda's. She was not the kind of woman that he could have a casual affair with and then let go. He prayed that Lee was not about to break her heart. He glanced for just a moment through the window of his office toward the bullpen just as Lee was leading Amanda through the glass doors, his hand on the small of her back. "That's a good start," he said to himself as he turned his attention back to his work.
Later that day in response to Lee's grumbling about how long they'd been held up at their last destination, Amanda commented, "You're pretty antsy," then burning with curiosity and consumed with jealousy about the reason for his supposed insomnia, but trying to sound casual, inquired, "You got a date?"
"No," Lee answered defensively, then in a calmer tone, explained, "Just a little preoccupied. That's all." Preoccupied wasn't really the word for it, but how could he tell her what he was really feeling without sounding like an asshole? He wanted to tell her just how much she'd hurt him with her actions of a few days ago. He'd thought that with her finally relenting and allowing him to make love to her in her bed, that that had meant something, meant that she was ready to move forward in their relationship, but then just a day later, she was kissing another guy right in front of him. Not that she'd known that he'd been watching, but that made it that much worse. He felt that she couldn't have hurt him more if she'd punched him.
Amanda offered to take over and finished the rest off by herself for which he was grateful, her giving smile sending warmth flooding through him, reminding him again of the embassy party. "Amanda, you remember that New Year's Eve party at the Soviet Embassy?"
"Oh, yeah," she replied with a chuckle. "You tried to match Borchov vodka for vodka and ended up in the borscht."
"Right," Lee laughed with her, happy that she wasn't harboring any resentment over his asinine behavior that night. "Oh, you sure looked beautiful," he reminisced.
"Oh, thank you." Amanda gave him a pleasant smile at the compliment, her spirits lifting at this enjoyable trip down memory lane, her feelings of jealousy easing a little.
"Remember how we danced?" Lee beamed at her.
"Oh, yeah," she answered dreamily as the memories washed over her.
"Amanda," Lee said in a firmer tone to get her attention.
"Hmm?" she replied as she stopped walking and turned to face him.
"You were wearing that fabulous dress...the one with the...uh...what do you call them..."
"Spaghetti straps," Amanda supplied.
As they described her dress together, Lee commented, "Oh, it's gorgeous."
"Thank you," Amanda gushed, her heart soaring at his flattery, suddenly thinking that maybe she'd just been paranoid in thinking that he was seeing someone else if his mind was on her and could describe in such detail what she'd worn to a party nearly a year ago. Her elation soon came to an abrupt halt though after explaining to him that she'd made it and learning that his compliments hadn't been about her at all and that he was only using his charm on her in search of getting a present for his new girlfriend. "Oh," she said as the realization struck her like a slap in the face and she hurried off, not wanting him to see her disappointment.
"Uh..." Lee watched Amanda stomp away, at a loss once again for what to do so stop her. "Stupid!" he scolded himself. What the hell had he been thinking bringing Leslie into his otherwise pleasurable conversation with Amanda? He sighed in frustration, raking both hands through his hair at his own idiocy.
That afternoon, Lee's frustration only grew as he scanned the crowd at the park, looking for any sign of Amanda, feeling a surge of guilt at allowing her to continue on her own and putting her life in danger. A wave of relief hit him as she saw her standing alone on the hill. He quickly sprinted to her, rambling at his worry for her and listening to her rambling in return about the bomb. He took her in his arms and held her tightly in a protective, comforting embrace. "Just thank God you weren't hurt, that's all," He said sincerely.
"I'm okay," Amanda reassured him as she pulled back a little, but still held onto him, touched by his seemingly genuine concern for her.
As with many of their moments together, this one was not to last as they were interrupted by Manny Trudeau, the detective on the case. At seeing Elizabeth Sullivan being placed under arrest and Lee telling her that the police had no choice, her brief respite from her anger at Lee soon dwindled.
The situation was only made worse when they arrived back at the agency and both Billy and Francine had agreed with the detective, Billy even telling her to stay out of it and to let the police handle the situation. She'd never been openly insubordinate before, but this time she'd had enough. "I'm sorry, Sir, but that isn't enough. I like Elizabeth Sullivan and I'm gonna' try to help her. Excuse me, Sir." She made a rapid exit from her boss' office not stopping even when hearing Lee calling her name until her forcibly stopped her with a hand on her arm.
When Amanda finally stopped and looked at him, Lee warned, "Now, you have that look..."
"Well, with the sleep you've been missing and a new girlfriend and all, I'm surprised you noticed," She countered hotly, no longer even trying to disguise her jealousy as her anger at him rose. Before he could respond, she turned on her heel, striding through the bullpen at a fast clip, a woman on a mission.
"Who says I have a new girlfriend?" Lee called after her in a futile attempt to stop her. He had to think of something to redeem himself with Amanda because her storming out on him was beginning to get old fast. Not only that, but so was his inability to get through to her. He sighed at he trotted through the bullpen, mentally putting a plan in motion as he did.
At the police station, after the Sullivan family had left, Lee and Amanda locked eyes for a brief moment before he turned away and stared at his shoes awkwardly. She approached him and asked, "You arranged that?"
"Mmm..." Lee hedged with a slight smile at seeing the matching hesitant smile on her face.
"Good move," she said with a nod of approval.
The next day, Amanda hurried to her foyer at hearing the commotion coming from it. At seeing the purple box that her mother had snatched from her hands, her voice oozing surprise, she queried, "Mother, what have you ordered?"
"Well, to be perfectly honest..." Dotty stopped as she noticed the inquisitive looks on her grandsons' faces and quickly continued with, "I really don't think any of this should concern you."
"Mother, I have to know," Amanda argued. "You're my mother. You're a parent, you're a grandparent..."
"I'm also an adult," Dotty countered cutting her off, "And a woman with interests and needs." She gave her daughter a pointed look. "You're my daughter. When I ask you questions like this, you tell me not to," she hinted reminding her daughter of how she was keeping her from knowing more about her relationship with Lee.
At watching her sons' heads shifting back and forth at the volleying between them, she said to them, "Fellas, why don't you take the trash out." She cringed slightly at hearing their cheers toward their grandmother, but soon turned her attention back to her mother. She knew that her face must have turned six different shades of red at hearing her mother explain what her plans were, knowing that the shock of it all must be evident on her face. She grimaced as Dotty hurried up the stairs with her purchase in hand and was beginning to understand how her mother felt at knowing about her interactions with Lee. She shook her head as if to shake off the imagery seeing the lingerie box had created in her mind. "Ugh," she groaned at the thought of her mother in that way.
That afternoon, she felt like her old self again as she and Lee walked down the hallway toward his apartment, lightly arguing over who'd done the better job on their trip to Trans-oceanic. The lightness of the mood between them, however, came to a screeching halt as they reached his door to find it partially open. They each flattened themselves against one wall while Lee held up a finger to silence her while reaching for his gun, cautiously entering his apartment gun first, pausing at seeing the setup on his dining table.
At hearing the lilting, "Bon Jour, Cherie," coming from his kitchen, he hastily stowed his pistol away covering it quickly with his jacket to prevent Leslie from seeing it.
As she explained why she was there and that she'd wanted to surprise him, he replied, "Oh, you did," with a nervous chuckle wondering how the hell he was going to get out of the mess he was in, knowing that Amanda was right outside his door. He hung his head slightly as Leslie, being the friendly person that she was, made her way to introduce herself to Amanda, only increasing the awkwardness that he felt. He began to stammer an explanation, but Amanda covered for him by saying that she was his secretary. He then made an excuse about a "contract" to diminish said awkwardness, to call Billy, let him know what was up, to allow Amanda to make a graceful exit and give him a little peace. When he'd asked Leslie out, he'd never imagined that she and Amanda would ever meet. Of course, he also hadn't imagined that Leslie would show up unannounced to fix him dinner either.
After Lee had left the room, Amanda's light-hearted mood disappeared as she listened to Lee's new girlfriend talking about the dress he'd bought her, how he was full of surprises and how she planned to model the dress for him, reminding her painfully of how she'd briefly thought of giving in to his request to wear sexy lingerie for him. She couldn't help wondering just what else Lee had delivered to Leslie's hotel room. She felt an uncharacteristic surge of hatred for the otherwise sweet, lovely woman in front of her as she talked about chemistry. I could show you chemistry, she thought as she recalled the many times that she and Lee had been unable to control themselves in their passion for one another. She guessed that was over though.
"I...uh...I really should be going," she sputtered wanting to make a hasty retreat at seeing this perfectly normal, obviously intelligent, pleasant woman who was so different from the flighty bimbettes she'd encountered in Lee's past that it broke her heart to think that he was ready for a normal relationship with a normal woman, just not her. Matters were only made worse by Leslie inviting her to dinner, which she immediately turned down and Lee re-entering the room and removing the extra place setting that the other woman had set out, making it clear that he didn't want her there. She also turned down Leslie's invitation to join them at the embassy party the next night, loathing the idea of seeing this woman in the dress Lee had bought her knowing that she was the reason for his sleep-deprived nights.
As Lee hustled out the door, it wasn't more than two seconds after the door had been closed that she turned on him furiously spitting out how Leslie would never understand him or what he does. She desperately wanted to add that she would, remind him that she already knew all his secrets, that she would be the one to get him, but thought better of it when he argued back that with what Leslie did for a living, she could guess what he did.
Amanda stormed to the elevator at his insistence that she go straight home, rambling about how she'd never been any of the places Leslie had and how it was always the same old thing, "Go straight home."
"Amanda King, I am not going to fight with you about this," Lee snarled as he held open the elevator door, utterly floored by her behavior. Why was she acting like a jealous wife when she was seeing other people too? "Go home!"
"Not this time, Buster!" Amanda groused as the doors closed, fuming about him telling her to go home and basically chasing her out of his apartment when just a few nights ago, he'd invited her home with him. She folded her arms across her chest, thinking that if he was too wrapped up with his new girlfriend to think clearly about the job, that somebody had to focus on the case.
A short while later while Lee waited for Leslie to emerge from his bathroom, his thoughts whirled as he poured a glass of wine, feeling once again as if Amanda had sucker-punched him. What did she want from him? If she was looking for something long-term, she sure as hell didn't act like it or she wouldn't be dating someone else. If she'd just say the word, he'd drop Leslie in a hot second, but she seemed so...different these days from the Amanda King he thought he knew. He recalled all the times they'd been together here in his home, how many times they'd made love here. As he glanced at the bottle of wine in his hand, his mind flashed back to the night she'd brought him leftover cake from Phillip's birthday party that they'd shared over a bottle of wine before having heated sex against this very table. He was so lost in his memories of her, that when he heard the door open, he said, "Amanda," then grimaced as he remembered that it wasn't Amanda in his apartment now, but Leslie.
Lee composed himself, turned to face his unexpected date for the evening, smiling warmly at her and how gorgeous she looked in the dress he'd bought her.
"Amanda is very nice," Leslie replied warmly. "And you're very lucky to have her."
"Yes, Amanda is very special," Lee agreed with a nervous titter as he took Leslie's hands and led her to his sofa, knowing in his mind just how special she was to him, but at the same time, Leslie was here. She was the one making an effort, the one who genuinely wanted to be with him. He couldn't say he felt that coming from Amanda since she'd been so hot and cold lately. He pushed thoughts of Amanda to the back of his mind as Leslie scooted closer to him, determined that he was going to live in the moment.
Just as their lips were about to meet, the phone rang, jarring him back to reality, particularly when O'Keefe mentioned Amanda. He made his apologies to Leslie, explaining that something had come up and that he was needed back at work. She graciously understood, just as she had when he'd called her by Amanda's name, smiled politely and told him she'd wait for him. At seeing her warm, sincere smile, he began thinking how much he didn't deserve her; or Amanda for that matter as he exited his home, feeling very much like the cad that Francine often accused him of being.
That feeling only intensified as he returned to his apartment later after catching O'Keefe, finding the dining table was now empty, the dishes washed and put away. "Hello?" he called wondering if Leslie had decided not to stay after all.
"Hi," Leslie answered warily as she re-emerged, wearing her street clothes again, the box containing her party dress tucked under one arm and her purse slung over the opposite shoulder. She cleared her throat awkwardly as she approached him. "If...If you're hungry, there's...Um...dinner in the oven. I...I should be going."
Lee nodded, knowing what was coming, "Leslie, I'm sorry." He didn't even have the strength to argue. He knew now that he should never have asked her out in the first place.
"Don't," Leslie warned. "I...um...I'm really trying to be a good sport about this, but that's kind of hard to do now that I see I never had a fighting chance. The race was rigged from the beginning. I was always going to come in second to Amanda."
"Leslie...I...Uh..." Lee sighed, ran a hand through his hair and then said, "I don't know what to say." He was thoroughly ashamed of himself, for using her, for thinking for even one moment that he could turn her into a replica of the woman he really loved, and most of all for how much he'd hurt Amanda in the process and probably ruined any chance he had with her.
"Best not to say anything at all then," Leslie responded. "Thank you for the dress." She indicated the box under her arm as she made her way to the door.
"Leslie, wait," Lee followed her reaching for her arm turning her to face him, much as he'd done with Amanda at the office the day before. "I really am sorry. I know there's no way that I can ever make it right."
"If you really want to make it right, stop wasting time and tell her how you really feel about her."
"I...uh...I can't...you don't understand." How could he tell Amanda how much he loved her when he'd just broken her heart? He'd seen her reaction to Leslie's surprise visit, had heard the edge in her voice in the office when sniping about his sleepless nights and new girlfriend.
"You're right, I don't. Good-bye, Lee." She paused for a best, gave him a soft kiss on the cheek and without another word exited his apartment and his life.
Lee let out a deep sigh, partially from remorse, but partially from relief that his conundrum was over. That his very brief romance with Leslie had been the eye-opener that he had needed. While he knew that Amanda would never believe him if he told her he loved her right now, he was determined now that he would find a way to show her, to regain her trust so that one day he'd feel he could say those words to her and have her know that he meant them.
Lee wandered aimlessly toward the bar, in search of his nightly sleep aid, but just as he picked up a glass, he shook his head and put it back down, realizing that he no longer needed it. As he made his way to his bedroom, he strolled to his dresser, opening his underwear drawer, smiling at the contents of it, thinking of a day in the future when his and Amanda's things would mingle like this on a more permanent basis. "Someday, Amanda," He said as he pulled out a pair of pajama pants, undressing quickly and pulling them on. As he slid between the cool sheets, he whispered softly, "Someday."
The following evening after leaving the Sullivans' and dropping Amanda off at her house so that she could check on her boys before their dinner, Lee puttered around in his kitchen preparing for his new girlfriend's arrival. He smiled at the ease with which he now thought of Amanda in that way, his smile broadening as he heard a knock on his door. His breath caught in his throat at seeing Amanda on the other side wearing the stunning black dress with the pearl buttons. "You...you look amazing," Lee beamed, but then glanced nervously at his own clothes, "But I suddenly feel underdressed."
"Oh, well, I...um...I just remembered you saying how much you liked this dress and I...um..."
"N-n-no, you look gorgeous," Lee sputtered nervously.
"Thanks," Amanda replied, flushing slightly at his intense scrutiny of her as she entered his apartment. "Something smells wonderful. Are we...Um..."
"Are we what?" Lee asked surprised by her obvious confusion.
"Um...eating here?"Amanda questioned. "When you said steak dinner, I thought...I mean, I thought we were going out. That's...um...That's why I wore this. If I'd known, I'd have...I don't know...worn something more casual...like you." Amanda stared down at the floor, silently cursing her misunderstanding. She'd thought when he'd asked her out that it would be a real date; that he was finally ready to be publicly seen with her instead of sneaking around as they had been.
Lee slammed the front door closed, took one of Amanda's hands in his as he used his other to tip her chin up as he met her eyes with his. "Amanda, don't. I love that you wore this dress for me just because you knew I liked it. I'm sorry if I didn't make my intentions clear. When I said that I wanted this dinner to be just the two of us...alone...Well, that's what I meant. If you...um...you want to go out...I...um...I guess we can, but I..." He paused, unsure of how to put his feelings into the right words without putting too much out there and breaking their fragile truce. "You know, I should go check on dinner." He sighed in frustration, released her and walked back toward his kitchen.
Amanda followed him, needing to have him finish his unspoken thought. "You what?' she demanded as she leaned against the doorway of his kitchen.
"I wanted us to be alone, okay?" Lee said as he slammed the oven door shut after checking on the broiling steaks within it and turned from her again gripping the edge of his sink tightly. "I didn't want to go out to a restaurant because I didn't want there to be any distractions, no waitress or hostess or other customers, or dishes rattling or anything else to get in the way of us spending time together. I wanted to be able to focus on just you for a change. What's so wrong with that?"
"Nothing," Amanda replied, touched by his thoughtfulness as she approached him, laying a hand on his shoulder. When he turned to face her, she slid both hands up his chest to his shoulders. She licked her lips nervously and asked, "But what about Leslie?"
"There is no Leslie. Not anymore, not that there ever really was. We only had one date and we never...never-" Lee answered her honestly but broke off when it was clear by the look of relief on Amanda's face that she understood his meaning. "Her showing up here was a complete surprise. I didn't know she was going to be here, didn't ask for it and to be honest, while it was a nice gesture, I didn't really want it." He paused again searching her eyes for her understanding. When he saw that she was looking at him for more, he explained, "If I'd want anyone to sneak into my place and cook me dinner, I'd want it to be you. What I'm trying to say is, that...Well..." He heaved a deep sigh. "...It's you that I want, you that I need, you that I-" his words were cut off by her lips on his, her hands locking around his neck to pull him to her. He growled low in his throat as he gave into her kiss, his hands soon finding themselves at her waist. All the tension of the past few days, all the uncertainty melted away at her touch until a flash of her kissing Alan Chamberlain abruptly intruded on their passionate kiss. He pulled back and pushed her slightly away from him with a shake of his head.
"What's wrong?" Amanda asked in bewilderment. "You just said-"
"I know what I just said, Amanda," he cut her off. "And I wish I hadn't. I have never put myself out there like that with a woman before and you...I can't, Amanda. I thought I could, but I can't."
"Can't what? I don't understand." Amanda was utterly confused by his yo-yo behavior. Did he want her or not? She bit down on her lower lip as she contemplated asking him just that. "I don't get it. I thought...I mean...You said..." She took a deep breath before continuing. "Do you want me or not?" She demanded finally putting it out there
"God, yes, I want you. I want you all the damn time. Don't you know that by now? But I can't..." He turned from her again toward his kitchen window."I can't do it Amanda. I can't be with you if you're out there doing God knows what with God knows who." He gestured widely toward the street below.
"What?" Amanda was stunned. "Lee, I haven't been with anyone but you since...well, since the beginning, since that day in the helicopter."
Lee turned back toward her, and squeaked out hopefully, "You haven't?"
"No. What would make you think that?"
"That guy last week, Chamberlain," Lee admitted.
"Alan?" Amanda scoffed. "There was never anything between me and him. It was all part of the job."
"The job, huh?" Lee said skeptically. "Then why were you kissing him?"
"Excuse me? Were you spying on me? Is that why you really climbed up my trellis that night?"
"What? No! I saw you kissing him after we rescued his sister. Why? Were you kissing him before that?"
"Look, you're the one who told me to go to dinner with him," Amanda reminded him.
"AND I said keep it light, didn't I? Apparently, once again, you didn't listen to me," he groused.
"Listen, he kissed me," Amanda explained. "That night I had dinner with him, he-" She shook her head. "I didn't want it. It just happened and just so you know, I was thinking of you the whole time. That's why I couldn't-"
"Okay, so what about you kissing him the next day? The case was over by then. So, if it was all just part of the job, why were you kissing him?"
"Oh, that," Amanda replied with another shake of her head.
"Yeah, that," Lee retorted hotly as he folded his arms across his chest.
"That...That was just sort of an apology for not telling him who I was from the start. I felt bad for misleading him. And it was a goodbye."
"A goodbye?" Lee uncrossed his arms and looked at her quizzically hope flooding through him.
"Yes, a goodbye. He was leaving town and I knew that I'd never see him again. He was a really nice man who just got caught up in circumstances beyond his control, but Lee, you have to know that there was never anything between him and me, not really. He wanted more and I told him no, told him there was someone else in my life."
"Someone...else? Just who might this someone else be?" Lee edged closer to her sliding his hands to her waist.
"I think you know," Amanda answered as she once again tugged on the back of his head to pull him in for a searing kiss, teasing his lips with her tongue until he relented and opened to her. They kissed and explored one another for a long moment until they both pulled back sucking in great gulps of air. "Does...that...answer...your question?" Amanda panted as she tried to catch her breath.
Lee pulled her to him in response, crushing her mouth with his own, delighting in hearing her moaning in response. He lowered his lips to her neck and nuzzled the tender pulse point there as Amanda hissed, "Bedroom."
He pulled back to gape at her in surprise. "What about dinner?"
She turned, flipped the oven knob to the "warm" position and answered, "It'll keep. Right now I want dessert," She replied as she took his hand and pulled him toward the direction of his bedroom.
"Wait," Lee said tugging on her hand. When she turned, he kissed her softly and lifted her into his arms causing her to squeal in delight. She kicked off her heels as he carried her through the bedroom door, not caring where they landed. Lee deposited her gently on his bed, toed off his own shoes, while she pulled the covers back. Amanda rose to her knees to face Lee where he stood and began working the buttons on his shirt loose one by one.
"Another plaid shirt," she commented as she unhooked the last button and ran her hands across his bare chest. "I thought you hated plaid. You know, if that's the case, we should really do something about that." She pushed his shirt from his shoulders and lowered her lips to his exposed skin
"Okay," He sighed in enjoyment as Amanda trailed his lips and tongue down his torso. "Okay, I didn't like wearing Dean's plaid."
"Ohhh, so you do know his name," she teased.
When he saw Amanda looking up at him and smiling smugly, he said, "Yes, yes, yes, I know his name. I always knew his name. Are you happy now? It made me crazy thinking of you with him. That's why I always...you know."
"Well, I'm not with him now, am I?" She laughed softly as she reached for the button on his jeans, flicking it open then slowly lowered his zipper, before slipping her hand inside to caress him.
"No, you're not," he acknowledged letting out a low groan at Amanda's touch. He tugged at the bottom of her dress, skimming his hands up her thighs as he did so. She paused in her exploration of him to raise her arms up and allow him to pull her dress over her head. "God, you're beautiful," he whispered reverently.
"You're not so bad yourself," Amanda replied as she gazed at him appreciatively. She pushed at his jeans and boxers to expose him fully to her lustful eyes and then held her arms out to him invitingly.
Lee kicked his pants and underwear away and lowered her to her back as he joined her in his bed, capturing her lips with his own as she wrapped her arms around him. Their sighs and moans mingled as they kissed furiously and their hands roamed, exploring each other's bodies. Lee lowered his lips to nip at the tender skin of her neck, then trailed kisses downward before taking one hardened nipple in his mouth, gently tugging at it with his teeth before moving on to the other, Amanda's reactions guiding him. He continued his journey downward, down her torso to her stomach, pausing long enough to hook his fingers into the sides of her panties and slide them down her long legs.
He shifted positions as he parted her thighs, placing a tender kiss inside each one, pausing again to look up into her eyes. At seeing them dancing with anticipation, he lowered his head to taste her his arousal heightened by the scent of hers, by her sighs as he took her swollen nub into his mouth suckling her as her sighs turned into loud moans.
"Lee," Amanda hissed as she clutched his head sliding her hands through his thick, silky hair, cradling him to her as he devoured her. Her heart soared as the sensations intensified, having worried all this week that she'd never have this with him again, that like so many other women in his past, she would become a distant memory, Francine's words about becoming just another name in his black books having haunted her the whole time. Now here she was in his bed because he wanted her here, had invited her here, smiling smugly as she recalled his words about not inviting Leslie. Her body began to tremble uncontrollably at the intensity of the sensations he was creating, her cries became louder, and she screamed his name, closing her eyes against the raging fire that burned through her. Before opening them again, she felt him withdrawing his head from her hands and sliding inside her. Her eyes snapped open.
"That's it, Amanda," Lee said as he linked his hands with hers. "Look at me. I want you to really see me when I make love to you." He pushed deeper into her never taking his eyes off of hers as she raised her knees up to allow him deeper entrance, pushing her hips up against his to encourage him. "Oh, yes," he groaned at the feeling of filling her again, happiness flooding through him that she'd forgiven him for his dalliance with Leslie, secure in the knowledge that the other man hadn't meant anything to her. He couldn't have if she could give herself so fully to him after the harsh words they'd spoken to each other this week. "Amanda,' he whispered low as they moved together, advancing and retreating, pushing and pulling until he soon could no longer hold back and felt himself erupting within her, crying out her name, just as he heard her crying out his.
They silently lay entwined together, the only sounds in the room, their heavy breathing as they gazed at one another while coming down from their mutual high, their eyes never leaving one another's. Amanda trailed her hand down his face, finally landing on his shoulder. She was the first to break the silence once she'd caught her breath. "So...um...You and Leslie...you never...?"
"Never," Lee answered with a shake of his head. He clasped her hand in his again, kissing it softly and said, "Amanda, you're the only woman I've ever brought to this bed."
"Good."
Lee released her hand and brushed her rumpled hair away from her face. "Is that why you've been acting so crazy this week? You thought that I...with her?"
"Well, you said that idea of me being with Dean made you crazy and I...Well, I guess I can kind of relate to that. I felt a little crazy myself. I mean, you weren't sleeping and...Then you asked me about my dress and...And you mentioned a friend..."
"Well, I have a solution to stop the crazy...for both of us..." Lee began but then hesitated a little uncertainly, not quite sure that he was quite ready to put it completely out there.
"I...Um...I have an idea to stop that too," Amanda replied. "But you first...Your idea may be better than mine."
"No, ladies first," Lee returned with a smile.
"Oh, no, I insist," Amanda countered while Lee said, "No, you first," followed by Amanda's, "No, you."
They were both silent for a moment, then Lee said, "I think we should only see each other," just as Amanda suggested, "I don't think we should date other people anymore." They laughed together and both said, "Deal," and then sealed the deal with a long, lingering kiss.
Their kiss was interrupted by the loud growling of Amanda's stomach, causing them both to laugh again. "This is what comes from going straight to dessert," Lee teased.
"Are you complaining," she jested.
"Not a bit," Lee answered with a smile, "But I did promise you dinner." He extracted himself from her embrace and reached for her hand as he stood.
As they both began to retrieve their clothing and clean themselves up a bit, Amanda said thoughtfully, "You know, I think you were right."
"Oh? That'd be a first. Right about what?"
"We don't do enough of this," Amanda replied.
"Not by a half," Lee echoed her words from earlier in the day smiling brightly at her as he again reached for her hand.