18 Tom's POV
Danny, Harry and Dougie wouldn't stop talking with each other, secluding themselves off in separate rooms, always coming back looking worried. They were planning something, something bad, wanted me out of it. Oh God, they figured it out, didn't they? They'd figured out that I couldn't do this, that I wasn't able to look after my son. They were going to take Buzz from me. They were going to take him away from me because I couldn't look after him, because I was bipolar, because I wasn't even capable of looking after myself. They were taking him from me; they were taking him from me.
She had always said that this would happen without her there to do the actual parenting. That without her I'd never manage to look after Buzz, that everyone would see that I couldn't do this by myself, that I was utterly useless as parenting. That I wasn't capable because I couldn't even control my own emotions, let alone a child, or keep him on a schedule, or feed him the right things, or play with him right, or do anything right in raising him. They'd take him away from me because I was screwing him up with every second I was looking after him.
But I'd tried, I'd tried so hard. I had done everything I could possibly do to be a good dad. I left him alone as he played, made sure we had a routine in place that didn't vary at all every day, I kept the house clean, fed him fruit and vegetables, made sure he was clean and as happy as I could. I did everything I could, why wasn't it enough? Why was it never enough? Why couldn't I do something as simple as looking after my son on my own? Why was I so useless at this?
We had to go, had to get out of here. I couldn't let Buzz go; I couldn't just let my band mates take him from me. I loved him, I loved him so much, and I could do better. I just needed to be guided in the right direction, I could do it. I swore I could do it. I just needed to be guided, that was all. I needed guidance and a bit of back up. They couldn't take him away, they couldn't take my baby away, he was all I had left, they couldn't take him away.
"Tom, please, what do you mean by don't take Buzz away?" Danny asked, edging towards me some more, hand stretched out to us. His hand was reaching towards Buzz.
"No! Please I can do this! I can do this! I can be a good dad and be good for Buzz; I can raise him right I swear! Don't take him from me!" I begged, I couldn't have my son taken, I needed him. I needed him more than anything! I loved him!
"We're not taking him from you Tom, I don't know where you got that idea from, but we're not taking him away." Danny sounded sincere, but I couldn't, I couldn't trust him. I'd heard them talking earlier, about making things easier for me to cope with. What else could they mean? I knew what making things easier meant; she'd said it so often, whenever I screwed up.
"Don't lie! You're lying!" I couldn't let my guard down, they'd take my baby. Nobody could take my baby from me!
"I'm not lying Tom, I promise you I'm not lying. I wouldn't lie to you. Now why don't you tell me where you got this idea from? Why do you think we're taking Buzz from you?" Danny stepped forward again, I couldn't get back any further, I was backed against the wall already.
"I don't believe you." I pulled my son closer to myself, his tiny little fists holding onto my shirt with all of his strength.
"Tom, I swear to you, we're not taking Buzz from you, we would never dare to take him from you, no matter what happened. Buzz is your son; we wouldn't take him from you for any reason." Danny still sounded sincere, but it was all lies. It all had to be lies. She'd told me, over and over again that without her I wasn't capable of looking after Buzz. I'd never be able to look after him by myself, I couldn't do it, I'd never be able to do it. That he'd be taken from me within weeks of her leaving, not even the most patient of people would let me keep him. Danny was lying, he was going to take my son away from me, he knew I couldn't look after Buzz.
But I couldn't let him take him, Buzz was my baby, he couldn't take him from me, I needed him. And I could do better, I swore I could do better, if they just give me some guidance, I could do it. I really could, I just needed guidance and back up. That was all. I swore that was all.