22 Tom's POV
As soon as everyone left the room, I locked the door behind them, pressing my ear to the door to make sure I could hear anything that was said.
"We'll talk in the morning, just go to bed for now Danny." Harry was saying, sounding resigned. There were footsteps leaving, going back to their bedrooms, before the doors closed.
It was only then that I allowed myself to relax, to breathe out and let some of my guard down. No-one was here now, nobody could get in and take Buzz from me, it was fine, I had a stay of execution, at least until morning. Morning, when we would talk about this... That wasn't going to be pleasant, considering how that had just gone. They were going to make me explain all my faults, everything I was doing wrong, exactly what my wife had told me over the last few years. Maybe it was their way of cementing it in my brain, making sure I knew how useless I was, and how thankful I should be that they were still putting up with me.
Or, or maybe it was a way to make me see that Buzz was better off without me. Wait; was that what they were doing? They couldn't... they couldn't do that, they couldn't... they would use it against me; use my faults and failures to prove that Buzz was better off without me. That's what she had done, had used it as proof that I should have never become a father, should have never have even tried for a baby. The only reason why we had was because she said it would look weird if we didn't at least try for one. We were married; we were supposed to have children, even when one parent wasn't cut out for it.
Buzz made a sniffing sound then, mumbling a few unintelligible syllables at the same time. He looked tired, and upset. Far too upset than a baby ever should. I had done that to him, made him look like that. All because I wanted to do this myself, keep him all for myself. And, I guess because I wanted to prove to her that I could do this, that I wasn't utterly useless. I wanted to prove it, prove that I could do something right. It was what I had been trying to do ever since I had gotten home. I'd done exactly as she said to do, to leave him alone, keep him on schedule, feed him all the right things, made sure the house was clean. It still wasn't enough, was never enough.
"Shh, shh Buzz, it's okay." I tried to reassure my son, wiping his nose with a tissue, "Daddy can do this, I swear Daddy can do this. He just needs some guidance, and a lot of patience." I really could, if I could just have someone tell me how to do this properly, then maybe, just maybe I could manage.
Buzz didn't look impressed, or like he believed me for a second. In fact, he just looked miserable, and tired, and like he wanted to be anywhere but in my arms.
Who was I kidding? I was awful at this; I couldn't do this by myself, even with guidance! Buzz wasn't doing well with me, he never slept through the night anymore, didn't play like he used to, and he certainly wasn't happy around me. He always looked miserable with me, tried to get out of my arms as much as possible. He only ever laughed now at Danny, Harry or Dougie, he only ever seemed happy with them. They weren't even fathers, hadn't had that much fathering experience, and they were already better than me at this. Me, who had had a year to get better at this, who had gone to all the classes, read all the books, been there from the beginning.
Maybe Buzz would be better off without me. Maybe, maybe he would be better off with someone who knew what they were doing with him. Someone who could make him smile again, raise him right, not screw him up and make him miserable, like I was.
The thought was devastating, but what could I do? Keep him selfishly? Allow him to grow up in a household where his own father couldn't look after him properly, who only made him miserable? I couldn't do that. I couldn't allow that. I loved him so much, I loved him so much, more than I could ever describe. And I wanted to keep him, wanted to keep hold of him for the rest of time. But I couldn't, not when I was so utterly useless, not when I knew I wasn't up for the job. I had to let him go.