Good to Know
"So what you're saying is that a journal has more adult content. Good to know. Good…to…know."
The comment was still with her some hours later; after the case was solved; after a true Libyan freedom fighter was born; after she left OSP and headed home. Why was Deeks so fascinated by her journal? Why did he ask so nonchalantly about the difference in diaries and journals, and then proceed to add his own editorial comment and bask in its afterglow like he had some kind of hidden upper hand.
She had to admit there was something sexy about his cool confidence; they he slouched in the chair, arms and legs crossed. He looked so relaxed in that position and his questions, which she knew were pointed, came out as easy going chit chat. She had to stay on guard just avoid divulging too much when with him.
It wasn't that she didn't like him. She did. In fact, she liked him too much. And, because she had decided not to cross the invisible line, she was forced to channel her feelings into her journal. She wrote about their day to day; the small moments they share, that if her shields weren't up, she would fall- Scratch that. She would never fall into his arms or swoon, or even be mesmerized by his sandy, sun bleached hair or his ocean blue eyes.
She was strong; constantly fending off the sorties of his affections no matter how covert.
He was weak; as exemplified by his constant innuendo and attempts to win her devotion.
He attacked.
She deflected.
It couldn't stay that way forever. Could it?
Who was she fooling? His comment about the adult content in her journal was spot on. It wasn't just the minutiae of their work lives. It was her dreams; the way he took her like she had never allowed another man. It was the trust she gave only when asleep; the piece her she wanted Deeks to have, but was not willing give in reality.
It was the way she couldn't breathe when she thought he might die. It felt like a piece of her was being ripped away; a depth of friendship which had been absent for so long.
Marty Deeks was her best friend.
She wondered if, even in the depths of his juvenile psyche, he thought about her this way.