37 Tom's POV
"Today I want to talk about how you interact with Buzz, if that's okay." Natasha started our session, after I had gotten Buzz settled on my lap, playing with his toy.
"O-Okay." I hoped she could give me some instruction on how to interact with him. I wanted to be able to play with him right, and hold him properly, and do everything like a good dad should. I couldn't right now, didn't have a clue how, I needed so much help here.
"How often would you say that you hug your son? And I don't mean holding him like you are now, but actually hugging him, or giving him kisses?" Natasha started, the look on her face saying that whatever I said would be okay. But it wasn't okay, it really wasn't okay. Whatever I said was wrong, I knew I was wrong in how I did things. My wife used to tell me constantly.
"I, I hug him whenever he's upset... Not that he's always upset, but when he's teething, things like that, to soothe him, like you should. A-And I kiss him when he wakes up and when he falls asleep." I answered, I didn't really... I had been shouted at often, for coddling him too much.
"Oh, and that's all?" Natasha seemed shocked. I knew it was wrong, knew it was completely wrong. I couldn't even show my son love correctly.
"I, my wife... she always told me I held him too much." She used to hug him right, and kiss him properly, and everything else. She always said I was doing it wrong, and too much, that I was going to make him grow up wrong if I hugged and kissed him as much as I did.
"So you stopped," Natasha sighed, she did that a lot in our sessions, "Okay, well I can tell you right now that you can hug him a whole lot more than that. Children need and deserve more affection than that."
"Danny, Harry and Dougie hug and kiss him throughout the day." it wasn't like Buzz wasn't given affection, he was, he was given affection from a lot of people. I just... I just didn't do it that much, because I did it wrong.
"Well that's good, but really Tom, you can give him more affection too. Hugs and kisses don't have to be done at certain times during the day, they can be freely given whenever you feel like it. To be honest, there isn't such a thing as 'too much' affection, especially for a baby like Buzz." Natasha told me.
"But my wife always said that I was going to make him grow up wrong if I gave him too much." She always said it, made sure I knew that too. I couldn't hug our son too much, I would make him too dependent on us, he'd never learn to stand up for himself or how to be strong.
"She wasn't right there Tom, not giving him affection can be just as damaging, if not more so. Giving affection to your child helps create a bond between you and your child, and helps them to feel safe in their surroundings, it is vital to show them affection, and not to confine it to just certain times of day." Natasha explained, that made sense, I guessed.
"But, I hug too much usually, how much should I hug? How much is too much? I don't want to hug him too much." I really didn't, I didn't want to make Buzz dependant on me by hugging him too much. I needed to hug him just the right amount, and I didn't know how much that was. Everybody else seemed to know but I didn't.
"Well that's a really tough question, it usually depends on the person. Some people cuddle their children all the time, giving kisses every time they see their children, or whenever their child does something good. It comes out a lot in play time a lot, for example tickles turning into hugs, or vice versa, or kisses are given whenever the child leans against the parent, generally when they're learning to stand, things like that." Natasha explained, but I didn't play with Buzz. I didn't know how.
"But I don't... I don't play." I had to watch over him, not actually play with him.
"I know, and we're going to get to that later," Natasha thought for a minute, "Do you remember what it was like, before your wife told began telling you that you were raising Buzz in a way she didn't approve of?"
"Not, not really." She had started telling me straight away that I was doing wrong. She got rid of the problem before it could grow, every time. She didn't let me continue being bad when she could help it, she was vigilant like that.
"Damn, well do you remember the instinct you had then, the feelings that made you want to show your son affection during the day and during play time?" Natasha asked. I remembered it clearly, I still felt it now. Instinct told me to hold my son, to kiss him, tickle him, play with him. But I'd pushed it away for years, had forced myself to stop it, because it wasn't right.
"Alright, that's good. I want you to act on those instincts. When you feel the urge to give Buzz a cuddle, then do it. When you want to kiss him, then kiss him. Anything like that, I want you to act on it, as much as you can." Natasha wanted me to do what?
"But that will screw Buzz up!" I didn't want to argue, she was the expert, but wouldn't that screw Buzz up?
"We shall work on that later. But right now, what is most important is building the bond between you and Buzz, you are his main carer now, having that bond is vital. Giving him reassurance, and making sure he knows that you love him, is incredibly important. We can worry about what's too much later, right now, just try your best to act on your instincts. It will feel weird at first, but it will get easier over time." Natasha promised, with a kind smile.
"Are you sure?" I asked, it just, it didn't feel right, deep inside.
"Yes, I'm definitely sure. Just try your best, alright? You'll feel odd, and like you're doing it wrong, but please, just try. It will get easier, and do the both of you the world of good."