40 Tom's POV

I could not believe a word Dougie said about Buzz loving being around me. He hadn't missed me, or anything like that, I hadn't gone anywhere. All I had done was started to hug and kiss him more, and all children liked that type of thing. If Danny, Harry or Dougie had decided to do that instead of me, then it wouldn't have made a difference in the slightest. Buzz would have brightened up because of any of us, not because it was me. I was his dad, that was all, and no matter how many people tried to convince me, I wasn't going to fall for it.

"Why don't you think Buzz cares if you're around or not?" Natasha asked me in the next therapy session.

"Because he's happy whenever somebody shows him affection, and he's happier when he's playing with the boys." That I was certain of, he laughed and smiled more with them than he did with me, even when I joined in. He didn't care if I was there or not.

"How can you be sure?" Natasha pushed, giving me a very concerned look.

"He's laughing more when he's with the boys, than he is with me." generally he just gave me confused looks when I did something Natasha had told me to do.

"Right, have you thought that maybe he's confused because he isn't used to you playing with him?" Natasha asked... that could be true, I guessed. I mean, it wasn't like I had played with him for a while, had removed myself from it almost entirely if I'm honest. "Think about it Tom, it has been a while since you've done more than do the basics of looking after him, do you think he's maybe a bit confused as to the sudden change?"

"Should I stop?" I didn't want him to be confused, but at the same time, if I had to stop, I would. I just wanted to raise him right, that was all, and all these rules and methods were confusing. I didn't have a clue about what I was doing, I was following along with orders, but it just... it didn't feel right.

There was this voice screaming in my head that I was doing it all wrong. Every awkward moment, every confused look, every single thing I did felt wrong. I was constantly waiting to be shouted at, to be told that I was an idiot for whatever I had just done. One of these days, I was sure everyone was going to give up and take Buzz away, because I was not getting this right, even with clear instructions on what to do.

"No! God no, keep going, do not stop, whatever you do. Buzz just isn't used to how you're acting, he's grown up with you taking one step back from him, he'll get used to it soon." Natasha explained, "That being said though, he certainly seems to be more at ease these past few weeks."

"I guess." He had been quite chilled out recently, but really, was that to do with me? I didn't think so, not really. I had just hugged and kissed him more, and been a bit more involved in play time. It wasn't like I was suddenly back to how I was when he was a baby. I was still careful, still trying to avoid screwing him up, still thinking twice about everything I did, that could have been relaxing to a baby.

"He really does like having you around Tom." Natasha smiled, reaching over to ruffle my son's hair, making him giggle.

"I'm just his dad though." I sighed, I wasn't anything special, I should have had that much of an effect on him.

"Exactly, you're his dad. That's a bond unlike any other, the two of you are supposed to be really close, to spend time together, all of that important stuff. And because of everything that's happened, you've not had a chance to properly bond together, and now that you are, he is a little confused, but he's happy about it." Natasha explained, "He's supposed to draw comfort from your presence, and to love spending time with you, all children do with their parents."

"His mum was supposed to do that though." His mum was the one he should have been close to. He should have been comforted by her presence, should have been playing with her, all of those things were supposed to be about him and her, because she knew was she was doing.

"No, it was supposed to be the both of you, you both should have been there. And it's not your fault that you didn't have that bonding moment, but you now have that chance to make up for lost time, so you have to take it Tom." Natasha told me, with utter seriousness, "You are not useless at this, you are being a great dad to Buzz, and we will continue to work together to make things better. But I mean it when I say that you are better than you think you are, and Buzz loves you so much, so you need to be there for him."

"I don't know if I can." I didn't know if I could do this, I didn't know what I was doing in the slightest. I was stumbling about in the dark, unsure of every single move I made.

"You can, and we're all going to help you Tom, every step of the way. You are not alone, and you never will be."