Dooeeeoo!! Dun, dun, dun, dun.

...Sorry. I'm bored, and this is Doctor Who. I am a Whovian. I can't help it

Anywho... (Ha. Who...sorry. Sorry...)

Grammar

There's a few typos in the story, as well as a few missing words and misuse of commas. Otherwise, the grammar is pretty okay.

7/10

Plot

A lot of the plot seemed kind of vague and confusing to me. A lot. Of the explanations are super vague or get interrupted. For example, when Clara or Merry try explaining what the Galaxy Eater is, something happens, like getting attacked or the characters getting distracted by something else.

Also, it's strange how the Doctor can't remember who Clara is. That is never explained. What happens if he does? Will he die? Will the world explode? Why should I care about this? Also, Clara has a Tardis and companion for...some reason. I'm not sure what the story is behind this. Was there another book? Was it explained in canon? A little background goes a long way. It's also never really explained how the Zygon got the bomb in the Tardis or why the time machine trapped Me inside.

A lot of the things seem random. Like they're just a bunch of scenes thrown together, not meant to be connected. For instances, Merry gets a ball full of Vasta Nerada for some reason. The shadow monsters chase them around from time to time, but that's it really. They serve no real purpose, and in the end, they aren't even dealt with properly. They're just kind of forgotten about. The bomb is also sort of pointless, considering it isn't their major concern and just kind of blows over fairly quickly anyway. And the Galaxy Eater is something else that probably could have been left out. Its sole purpose was to summon the Doctor, but this just doesn't make any sense. How could the companions know they'd need something like this? How did the Zygons know to use it? It also just seems like majorly cheating, and makes the issue of finding the real Doctor way too easy; therefore making the story extremely boring. One last thing that probably could be dropped...Jack Harkness. Now, don't get me wrong, I love his character as much as the next gal, but he just seems much too random and out of place here. He shows up to save the Doc and co, and then we learn he has some drama with the enemies for some reason. But we don't get any details on this. It just seems kind of like a pointless excuse to have him in there, just because he's Jack Harkness.

Another thing...everyone is a Zygon for some reason. I know they were the main villains in this, and there the whole thing is pretending to be people. But the way it was executed in this story was just much too confusing. Every five seconds it was kind of like, "Plot twist they're a Zygon! Gasp!"

For example, in chapter thirteen when they found out there were two Zygons pretending to be the Doctor. Apparently, the real Doctor had been kidnapped the whole time. This scene was sort of a headache to read with all the twists and turns.

3/10

OC

I guess you could count Apollo as an OC? He's the main Zygon villain of this story. He plants a bomb in Clara's Tardis, kidnapped everyone, and tried to get to the Galaxy Eater. But like many ocs, he lacks some depth to his personality. The story goes by so fast, we don't even get a glimpse of his backstory. He's too much of a closed book, and it's hard to care for him. I know he's the villain and we should hate him, but let's face it...the best villains are the one we can love too.

Because of this, he doesn't really have any motivation for doing the things that he does. He just does it for the sack of being bad. A good villain has motivation. They're crazy, no one loves them, etc etc. (Example: Mr. Freeze from Batman only turned evil after he failed to save his wife's life. His whole persona is built on guilt, making him more relatable and easier to sympathize with.)

Another issue is Apollo seems to be a bit OP as well. When I was hiding in the Tardis, he somehow manages to break the doors down. However, in the Doctor Who show the state many times that the Tardis doors are practically indestructible. (I imagine Clara and Me's Tardis would be the same as the Doctor's anyway.)

Which makes my next point kind of awkward. He and his friends are much too easy to defeat. The climax is sort of...underwhelming. The fight is over in, like, three seconds. Kind of boring. The climax should have readers on the edge of their seats, begging for more and gasping in shock, wondering if the protagonist might actually lose this one.

4/10

Cannon Characters

For the most part, they're all okay. Clara is intuitive. Jack is flirty of. The Doctor can be rude as hell. But they don't seem to have a sense of danger at all. I know a lot of the time Doctor Who is light-hearted and the characters joke around a lot, but they also have intense scenes full of angst and drama. This book makes a few attempts at that (though not very many) but they all fall flat. It's not very believable. They don't seem all that worried about the Zygons or the bomb or...much of anything really. (Though I guess if you're immortal you stop caring about most dangerous things...but still!)

They seem to, for the most part, think of everything as a big joke. They even walk past a dead body in chapter sixteen without even flinching. They're only real reaction about that was covering their noses because it stank. They could have at least shed a few tears. These are very compassionate characters here. Just because it's a stranger doesn't mean they don't care.

5/10

Writing Style

I think it goes without saying, as I've pretty much already stated it. (This is a big issue within the fanfic genre so don't feel too bad.) There should be more detail. Inwardly and outwardly.

There's not enough description so that I can imagine what everyone and everything looks like. In my mind I'm pretty much just looking at blank space, the descriptions are so vague.

And as stated before in the CC section, the characters seem to be very disconnected from their emotions and unaffected by literally everything. You should slow down and take the time to explore their inner thoughts and feelings some more. This way readers can connect with them better. (Remember show don't tell!)

Another thing I'd suggest is to slow down and explain some things. Give some background on what's happening. Don't just assume the readers have seen all the Doctor Who episodes. In fact, act like they haven't. Explain it all in a very detailed manner to make sure everything is clear enough to understand. Write as though, you're trying to catch a newbie up on everything if you know what I mean.

Maybe, also avoid every single idea that comes into your head. Not every idea is a good idea, despite what some people might think. It's okay to throw a few out.

I'd also suggest sticking to just one point of view -- first person, third person, or -- in some rare cases -- second person. Don't change the point of view in the middle of the story. If you've started it in first, finish it in first. If you started it in third, finish it in third. It's just not professional looking when you're constantly switching it around, and it can get confusing.

One last thing. Try not to backtrack when writing from different characters' perspective. Just continue on with the story from their point of view, don't go back and rewrite a scene you already wrote. It's annoying to read the same thing over and over, and I think a lot of people will lose interest because of this.

4/10

* PLEASE NOTE THAT THE WRITERS FEATURED IN THESE REVIEWS HAVE EITHER SUBMITTED THEIR STORIES TO ME OR GIVEN ME PERMISSION TO REVIEW. THIS IS IN NO WAY MEANT TO BE RUDE OR HATEFUL TOWARDS ANY PARTICULAR WRITER OR THEIR STORIES. THESE REVIEWS ARE SIMPLY MY OPINIONS. *