Chapter 75-Making the Best of It

"The Man Who Died Twice"

AN: For this chapter, I have to admit that I never liked Amanda's negativity in shooting down all of Lee's plans and dreams for their future, so I wanted to explore a bit of her internal thoughts here to explain the reasoning behind it. As mentioned in the prior chapter, I'm still re-ordering episodes, doing "The Man Who Died Twice" before "Photo Finish." Given the content of this episode, it's a bit grimmer than the prior one.

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As Amanda sat in the passenger seat of the 'vette and listened to Lee gush about plans for their future, she couldn't help shaking her head. While it was a very nice idea, she felt that he wasn't looking at the bigger picture. For one thing, he hadn't even met the boys yet and here he was making plans for them...unless... She thought of his dream that one day, his kids would have horses. She looked at him sideways as she contemplated that thought. He'd mentioned the boys, but was he only talking about the boys and already considering them his or was he thinking long-term and making plans for them to have more kids together? She frowned slightly. She wasn't sure how she felt about that now that her career was finally moving forward and she was making a real name for herself at The Agency. While the fantasy of having a baby with the man she loved was nice, a new baby would bring all that to a screeching halt, aside from the fact that their child would be in danger from infancy. Didn't he realize that?

Then there was the fact that he seemed to have forgotten that she was allergic to horses and that annoyed her, so the first thing that flew out of her mouth had been, "Do you have any idea how much it costs to keep horses?" She had been hoping that would spark some memory in him of the last time she'd encountered a horse, but it hadn't, he'd just continued on with talk of the horse he'd had when he was a kid, blathering about horses, kids and responsibility.

Lee looked at her worriedly, unnerved by the negative tone in her voice and abruptly shifted gears in his ramble. "What? You don't like the idea?" He couldn't help feeling that she wasn't as serious about moving forward with their future as he was. She kept talking about the expense, how expensive it was to live in Rockville, how much it cost to keep horses... Didn't she understand that he wasn't willing to put a price limit on their future?

"Oh, no. I like the idea." She attempted to soothe his bruised feelings with a light hand on his shoulder. "I like all your ideas. I just think we have an awful lot to talk about before we start thinking about things like this, that's all." For one thing, she thought she'd made some good points about the cost of things. She shook her head as she thought of the vast differences between them. He'd never had to live on a budget because he'd always been single and had spent his money on whatever he wanted. She, however, had and he seemed to have forgotten that too, that she'd been a struggling single mother for years and many times when still working part-time, had fought just to keep food on the table for her children in between child support checks. How could he not remember that, especially when he'd had to co-sign a loan for her just to help her pay her property taxes?

"Okay," he acknowledged. "Keep my feet on the ground, but for now watch my rear."

"Pleasure," she retorted with a cheeky grin in the hopes that that would lighten the mood.

"Very funny," he responded in annoyance. What the hell was wrong with her? He'd thought after all the time they'd spent cleaning out his place, she was just as ready to move forward as he was. She'd even brought up the idea of him someday moving in with her. He knew for sure that he didn't want that, not in that house, but he had no problem at all with the idea of them moving in together, but he wanted it to be a place of their own and it was for sure that he couldn't ask her to move in with him, not with the boys and her mother. He'd thought the idea of them buying a new house together was the perfect compromise, so why was she being so stubborn about it? He didn't have any further time to contemplate it because before he knew it, they were being shot at.

The situation had only escalated after that incident. As they walked through the streets of Chinatown together, Lee had become more determined than ever. "If we're gonna' take all the risks, we should get everything life has to offer in return, right?"

"Right," she nodded in acknowledgement.

"So, what are we waiting for?" he questioned. She turned her gaze to him, a bit startled. "When this thing is over, I'm gonna' hock everything I own for that Rockville house. Amanda, what do you think about another big wedding, huh? I never had one."

"Wait a minute," she attempted to stop that train of thought before it could go any further. Didn't he understand that it was more complicated than that? While he only had his uncle to consider, she had children who'd never met him and a mother who'd only met him once. It wasn't as simple as just making plans. They had to figure out how to blend their two very different lives. She couldn't just thrust a new stepfather on Phillip and Jamie without giving them the benefit of getting to know him first. Not to mention, moving to Rockville would uproot them, they'd have to change schools, move away from their friends. That was aside from considering their father. While Joe had missed a good chunk of their lives growing up, he was around now and he should at least be informed that major changes were coming in their lives.

"You're right," Lee nodded, but couldn't help feeling a bit disappointed by her reaction, but he wanted to prove to her that he was willing to compromise. Now that they'd found each other and had grown so close, he didn't want to do what he'd done in the past and screw it up with his own selfishness. "We'll have a backyard ceremony..."

Amanda rolled her eyes as he babbled on about the wedding ceremony. Why didn't he get that that wasn't what her hesitation was about? "Now, hold on a second," she snapped to get his head out of the clouds. "You've got us all moved in with two cats and a front-porch swing." When he interrupted her again with the idea of softball games and weeding the garden, her tone became more insistent. "Now, wait a minute. Don't you think we oughtta' talk to the boys about this first?" She hoped that would drive the point home to him.

"Yeah," he admitted.

"Yeah," she confirmed, glad that it finally seemed to have sunk in. "And you know what? Family life and The Agency don't seem to go together all that well either when you come to think about it." They would have to have some serious discussions about how to protect the boys once they were married. They lived in a dangerous world and worked in a dangerous profession. That had to be addressed before they could move forward with any concrete wedding plans, but now was not the time as T.P.'s greeting had halted their conversation and it was back to business.

Later that day as they rode in the 'vette, Amanda once again gripped Lee's shoulder, but this time for her comfort, not his. "That could be you one day," Lee stated grimly. "Talking to strangers about your dead husband, trying to unravel the truth about his death, knowing you'll never find it." He recalled all too well what that felt like in having never known the full truth about his parents' deaths.

"I know," she replied softly as she stared absently out the window. She'd wanted to bring Lee down to earth a bit, but the cold, hard reality had gotten her thinking more too; her earlier comments about blending family life with Agency life now haunted her. She let out a sigh.

"Not your typical two-career family, huh?" Lee tried to make a joke of it, but his voice just sounded flat. Amanda let out a sardonic snort, but couldn't find much humor in the situation. "One of us might not come home for dinner...ever."

Amanda blinked back the tears that had started to form in her eyes as she really thought about everything that could possibly happen and clutched Lee's shoulder tighter while he continued, "They've got Khai's little boy, Amanda. That could be Phillip or Jamie."

"I know," she sniped in annoyance. She felt as if he were still treating her like a rookie. This was the kind of thing she'd been trying to make him see. Realizing how harsh she sounded, she finally looked at him and in a hoarse, choked whisper, repeated, "I know." She quickly averted her eyes from his, unable to bear the pain and fear she saw on his face. She stared blankly out the window again, lost in her own thoughts.

Upon seeing the unshed tears in her eyes, it finally hit home to him what she'd been trying to tell him in Chinatown. They had a lot to figure out before they could move forward with any future plans. They rode in silence for a few more minutes until Lee veered off-course in their ride back to the office, instead pulling up to the curb in front of his apartment.

When the car stopped, Amanda snapped out of her reverie and was startled to see where they were. While she'd been gazing absently out the window, she'd been so lost in her worries that she hadn't really taken in any of their surroundings. She looked in his direction questioningly, but found that he'd already exited the vehicle and was approaching her side. He opened the door and reached for her hand to help her out.

Wordlessly, they made their way into the closest thing they had to a shared home...the closest thing they may ever have. They both knew it, but were too afraid to talk about it. For the first time since this assignment had begun, they were on the same page. Lee closed the door behind them and immediately they flew into one another's arms, both feeling a desperate need to cling to each other while they still had each other to cling to. Lee's words in the car about not coming home for dinner had affected them both deeply. Amanda clutched both of his shoulders now just as fiercely as she had in the car as his mouth descended on hers in a frantic attempt to feel something other than abject fear.

She stifled a sob as his kisses began to work their magic on her while his hands slid first to her waist, and then under her skirt, yanking hard on her panties. She let out a low groan of distress, her emotions in a whirl, part fear, part disdain that another pair of underwear had just been ruined and of course, part desire as he stroked her with his thumb and dipped one finger inside her. "Lee," she gasped as she tore her mouth from his and lowered her hands to loosen his belt. "Need...you."

He backed her up against the entry table just as she had finished her task of freeing him from his pants and plunged into her hard. He paused for a moment to look deeply into her eyes and used his free hand to brush away her tears, blinking back those that had formed in his own eyes at the realization that the life he truly wanted with her, he could never have. When she pushed back against the table to urge him to continue, he obliged her by locking his hands at her hips and driving up into her hard. His fierce need to possess her overwhelmed him as he reflected back on his earlier words to her to take everything life had to offer, knowing now that this was the best it was going to get as long as they did what they did for a living. "Love you," he croaked as they moved together, both holding on for dear life, neither knowing if each time they saw each other might be their last.

"I love you," she echoed while she moved both hands back up to his shoulders, gripping them fiercely and then let out a gasp as he began to caress her swollen nub again while he pushed into her. Whatever the future held for them didn't matter for the moment. She just needed this with him here and now. He'd known it too. That was why she hadn't even said a word about him stopping here. It felt good that they were finally seeing things the same way again, but still it saddened her that it was such a bleak view they shared. She let out a strangled cry as her body shuddered against his and heard his echoing cry of release and felt him erupting inside her. She clamped her lips down onto his neck as they rode out the wave together, their hearts pounding as one.

They held tightly to one another long after it was over and their breathing had slowed, sharing soft, tender kisses of comfort, neither wanting to be the first to let go. "Amanda...I...I'm sorry."

She lightly caressed his face. "What do you have to be sorry for?"

"You were trying to tell me and I wasn't listening. I just want so badly to-"

"I know," she repeated her words from the car. "I do too, but how? We both saw what happened to Khai and his family. What if...?"

He silenced her with another soft kiss and pulled out of her and away from her, the mention of Khai reminding them that they still had a job to do. He quickly straightened his clothing as she bent to pick up her tattered underwear.

Attempting to lighten the somber mood, she shook them at him and teased, "Well, there's one thing that never changes. It's just a good thing you insisted on me having space here." She quickly took off toward the bedroom, so that he couldn't see the fear that still showed on her face behind her jesting tone.

"Yeah," he replied softly to the empty foyer as it really hit him that this shared space might be all they ever had together. No house, no horses, no kids of his own, just him and Amanda and their secrets.

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As Amanda sat by Lee's bedside holding his hand and silently praying for him to wake up, her thoughts were in turmoil. She couldn't help replaying their conversation in the car and his chilling words to her. "One of us might not come home for dinner...ever," followed by her mother's question to her on the phone, "What do you do when the man you like wants to live dangerously?" She'd been talking about Captain Curt's new plane, but might as well have been asking Amanda about her relationship with Lee...again. How were they ever going to reconcile their two lives?

After he'd awoken and learned of Khai's death and begun to explain to her the term, "Saigon boxcar," her agitation only rose as she thought of how easily they could both have been killed. Those thoughts continued to plague her through the remainder of the night and all during the next day when working with Francine, even after learning that Khai hadn't been killed after all. She knew how easily he could have been; how all three of them could have been blown to bits and her children would never have known what happened to her or why.

As she stood at her kitchen sink, she was comforted by hearing the familiar sounds of her boys squabbling over who was going to do the dishes. She was amazed by how something that could be such an annoyance, could also feel like such a remedy for her wounded heart. It was so...normal. Her thoughts were interrupted by Lee poking his head in the back door and gesturing to the back yard. She eagerly followed. The trauma of the past few days didn't stop the elation she felt at seeing him. As much as she'd been pooh-poohing his dreamy plans for their future, she still longed for a life with him and she was willing to take it in any form she could get.

As they walked out to the gazebo and he was filling her in on what was happening with Khai and his family, she couldn't help asking, "Will they be safe?"

"Well, no one's ever completely safe in this business," he reluctantly admitted. "That's what I wanted to talk to you about." He looked down at his hands, finding it much harder to voice his thoughts out loud than he'd imagined it would be. "Amanda...Uh...the horses and the softball games in the backyard are gonna' have to wait." He looked up at her, looking utterly defeated.

"I know that," she replied with a smile to ease his discomfort.

"But I am gonna' marry you, Amanda King," he assured her with certainty. "Except that it's gonna' have to be a mystery marriage...because if it isn't, one day our family might get in trouble just like Khai's."

"We'll make the best of it," she added hopefully.

He looked down again, still feeling dejected. "I've got you," he added as he tried to share her optimism.

She hooked a finger under his chin to get him to meet her eyes again, "And I got you." She smiled warmly at him to reassure him that that was all she needed; for them to be together.

"Then we've got everything," he responded as he brushed a soft kiss to her lips. Who needed a big fancy house or a splashy wedding as long as they had each other?