Erik stood in the darkness and watched as Raoul pulled her into an embrace, Christine bubbling with laughter. It was all a little too familiar for Erik's taste, but he supposed they had known each other since they were young children even if they hadn't spoken in years... And Christine didn't seem to have a problem with it. Quite the opposite, in fact.
So the date went well, then. He should feel pleased, he realized - he had been the one to give get the extra push into going tonight and she had clearly enjoyed herself. Yet instead he just felt... Empty.
No, not empty after all. He felt an odd pang of what he could only name as jealousy- what a strange thing to be feeling over her, he mused to himself. Jealousy and guilt. Guilt for watching her, for standing here and waiting so that he could watch her. He shouldn't watch her when she doesn't now he's there, he knew that, but he had done it anyway and now he was feeling badly over it. He usually had no qualms about spying on people, but it was different with Christine, he thought.
Why was he jealous? He scolded himself for the emotion. It's not as if he could ever be in that boy's place. Besides, that was an entirely inappropriate thought to even have about one's student. He shook himself. This was best for her, he told himself firmly and went back inside.
Yet still, as he prepared for bed in his home on the underground lake, the feeling still prickled at his skin like an insect crawling across him. The Vicomte's gain was not his loss, he tried convince himself as he pulled his blankets up to his chin. You couldn't lose what you didn't own, and he most certainly did not own Christine Daae.
It was after the end of their lesson the next day that he dared to broach the subject.
"How did your evening go last night, my dear?"
He half hoped that he was about to hear a list of Raoul's sins - perhaps he chewed too loudly, or used the wrong fork for the wrong meal, or had interrupted her when she was speaking, or had sneezed in a manner she hadn't appreciated.
But instead she smiled a sunny smile, a look that said she had a secret, and told Erik that the evening had gone wonderfully.
"Far better than I had expected, actually. I'm glad I went after all."
Erik's hands suddenly felt clammy.
"That's quite excellent. I am- I am very happy for you. Will you be seeing him again, then?"
Christine had never gone on a second date with anyone before.
"Yes, I'll be seeing him again tomorrow."
Erik couldn't account for how dry his mouth suddenly felt.
"Oh?" was all he could muster.
They chatted for a few moments longer on some topic Erik was only half paying attention to before he excused himself and left. Christine had never gone out with the same boy twice, yet here she was meeting Raoul twice in three days. That was- that was good! Yes, it was good, it was-
It was horrible.
Why had he told her to go out with him? Why was he so incredibly stupid? He could have said nothing, could have let her shun the boy as she had all the others, and their lives would have gone on the same as always and he wouldn't be feeling and thinking these awful things. But-
Christine deserved someone she could go to dinner with. That was the crux of the matter, wasn't it? It didn't matter what Erik wanted, it only mattered what Christine deserved.
He had suspected for a little while now that what he felt for her exceeded what was proper for him to feel towards her. It was surely only more proof that Erik was, in fact, a monster as so many people had said. It just wasn't right for his mind to wander so during their lessons, for him to find her making appearances in his daydreams and for her to slip into his thoughts before going to sleep. He shouldn't be thinking of how her small hand would fit in his, or how soft her hair must be, and he most certainly shouldn't be thinking of what her lips would feel like against his. It was all so terribly wrong, and yet he couldn't help himself. Well, he couldn't help his thoughts, at least. His actions, however, were entirely under his control, and he had vowed that all of those thoughts would never be anything more than what they were- just thoughts.
For several months now he had tried to ignore those feelings, pretend they simply didn't exist. But now with Christine finally finding someone she liked, reality came crashing down on him. He loved her, and she was going to marry someone else. She had to. With that abstract future now fully realized and manifested, looming on the horizon in full view, he could no longer lie to himself or deny the cause of the despair he was feeling.
He had never intended for this to happen, for him to have these feelings about her. There was nothing that could have prepared him to know what was just down the road in a mere handful of years when he had suggested to a chorus girl that she should try out for a bigger role. He had only wanted to hear her sing, for heaven's sake! He hadn't meant to go and fall in love with her!
And it would be so wicked of him to ever even mention it to her, to curse her with that knowledge. What would be the point? She deserved someone who could take her to all of the fancy places and events that she belonged in, not someone who had to hide in shadows. She needed a man, not a ghost. No, it would be wicked and selfish to even think otherwise. Only a monster would want to condemn her to share his fate, and Erik refused to play the part of the monster in all this.
So it only made sense for her to find someone she could be serious about - finally something concrete that would shake him of the silly notion that there could ever be something more between her and him.
But no amount of rationalization or logical outcomes or knowing that it was best for Christine did anything to dull the ache in his chest each morning, did nothing to ease the sting of the thoughts that kept him up at night. So he would brew some tea and compose some music and tell himself that it wouldn't always feel like this, that one day the pain would lessen, and on occasion, for a few moments, he would actually believe that that could be true.
The thought had briefly crossed his mind that perhaps, in light of such revelations, he should discontinue their lessons, but that was something he simply could not bring himself to do. His lessons with her were the one bright spot in his otherwise dark existence, the only real thing he had to look forward to. Besides, there might come a day when she tired of the lessons and ended them herself, or perhaps her husband would no longer approve of her career. He would respect her wishes in that matter, should she want to leave him, but he would not be the one to end it.
In his foolhardy attempt at ensuring her happiness, he had, without thinking, endangered his own in more ways than one. He had been quite aware that he would not have anything more than what he already had - but he had overlooked the part where he stood to lose what he already had. An hour or so a day, sometimes more, spent in a lesson. How would she have time for that once she was married? Once she had children? He pushed that thought away almost immediately - Christine with children. It made him break out in a cold sweat, a child was the ultimate proof that her heart would never - should never - belong to him. He could never give her children, how could he when there was a a chance that he would pass on his deformity? That would be a betrayal of the highest sort, to make her carry his child who would be doomed to live a life of hiding and secrecy and whispers from strangers. He couldn't do that to her.
But the point remained that she and Raoul weren't even officially courting yet and already she had to cut her lessons short to be with him. How much worse would it get in the future? He might never see her again if she got married.
His only hope in that regard was that he knew Christine to be far too independent to merely acquise to her husband's demands if they were not in line with her own - so long as she loved singing, she would continue to sing regardless of it pleased her husband or not. What remained to be seen, however, was if she ended up loving her husband more than she loved her singing. If that ended up being the case, there was a chance she'd give it all up.
Love makes people so stupid things, after all.
No one knew that better than Erik.