56 Dougie's POV

Tom never said anything more on the subject of his wife being right, and didn't have another research night in Buzz's room either. He may have been doing it in his bedroom, or in his music room, none of us could tell. But one thing was for certain, he was stuck in thought. Constantly. Literally, all day he was thinking about something, and thinking about something hard. Whatever had been said in his therapy sessions had been huge, and it was taking up a lot of thought space.

I wished I knew what he was thinking about, so we could discuss it. I knew that discussing whatever was on his mind was a constructive thing, and it really helped. I talked to my therapist, and my sponsor, constantly, when I was recovering. And after that, I talked to Harry, I told him as much as I could, whenever I could. Sometimes I was consumed with the need to hide it all inside, to keep quiet and small, but I always fought against it, and forced myself to talk. It was tough, and took days to work up the courage sometimes, but it was worth it in the end, to get everything off my chest, and to work through it all. Bottling up did nothing, things needed to be talked about.

The thing was, Tom knew he could talk to us, but he felt like he couldn't. Whatever he was thinking about was too big for him to say, and he clearly didn't believe it either, judging by what he had said to himself that one night.

So really, the only thing we could do was let him think it through, let Natasha talk to him instead, wait for him to open up. Pick up where he left off with Buzz, while he did whatever he thought he needed to do for the day, which seemed to be taking him twice as long, thanks to his constant 'lost in thought' expression. He wasn't really paying attention to anything, hadn't all week. Not since his internet search in Buzz's room. He had done everything on autopilot, even Buzz's bedtime was done only half-conscious. It looked like Tom was going through the motions, while everything else was focused on whatever he was thinking about.

We all picked up on it, even Buzz noticed. He could tell his dad wasn't all there in the moment with him, no matter how much he clung to him, spoke to him, took his glasses, or gave him things. Tom just was completely absent. Completely and utterly absent, caught up entirely in his head.

"Come on Buzz, daddy is busy at the moment." I picked the boy up, stopping him from running to Tom, who was cleaning up the kitchen.

Buzz whined sadly, reaching out for his dad with grabby hands.

"I know kiddo, I know how much you want to go cuddle your dad, but he's got a lot on his mind." I knew that Tom wouldn't usually, that he'd manage to somehow clean while carrying his son, had seen him do it many a time already, but right now it wasn't a good idea. He needed time to think, to work out whatever it was. I understood that need very well. Therapy was hard, and difficult to cope with, especially when something had been said that changed your entire world view. You just had to work it through, however you felt comfortable. At least, until you could discuss it with others.

"Dada!" Buzz whined, sniffing.

"Oh no, don't cry little dude, we're here, and Daddy will be back soon." I bounced him gently, "Come on, let's put on Peppa Pig." I turned the TV on, turning it over to Buzz's favourite show, trying to get him to focus on that, but he only wanted his dad.

It broke my heart to see his desperation, to see how much he wanted Tom with him. I would have given him to him if I thought it was a good idea. But Tom was not paying attention right now, he wasn't paying attention to anything. He was just... he was stuck thinking, doing everything on autopilot. Not good for looking after an eighteen month old child right now. Any other time I would have happily given Buzz over, but not right now. He needed to think.

"Shh, shh Buzz, it's okay. Daddy is just out there, he'll be back for cuddles soon." Only two hours until bedtime, we could survive until then. We could keep Buzz distracted for that long, couldn't we? We could, we really could, as long as he stopped thinking about Tom.

"Dada!" Buzz sniffed again, reaching out as far as his little arms let him, tears forming in his eyes.

"No, please don't cry, please don't try! It's okay kiddo, it's okay." I tried desperately to calm him, but couldn't stop him from bursting into tears, calling out for Tom.

Tom didn't even notice.