Peridot sat in Steven's bathtub, listening to sad country music on her tablet. It was sort of her thing now, after her life went to shit. Steven and Amethyst showed her that it wasn't all so bad, but some days she just… couldn't do anything. Since Lapis left, Peridot found herself having more bad days than normal. Some days, she couldn't get out of the bathtub. Some days, she didn't want to leave the house. Some days, she felt like the walls were all closing in on her and everyone hated her. Some days, she just plain felt worthless. Today was one of those days. Yesterday, she was just fine. Today, she wasn't.

She knew that those days were just facts of life at that point, and that most of it was in her mind—Peridot was so great and lovable, who on EARTH could possibly hate her—but that didn't make it any more bearable. She still hated herself for feeling this way.

But she couldn't afford to be such a downer right now—she had company!

"'Member the barn?" one small berry chirped.

"Oh, I 'member the barn, I loved the barn!" another 'membered fondly. "Hey, hey, 'member shipping Lapidot on Tumblr?"

Peridot raised a Member Berry to her mouth. "Yeaaaah, I 'member that," she hummed, chewing on the berry as nostalgia clouded her mind.

Peridot heard a knock on the door. "Peridot?" Steven said from the other side. "Are you okay?"

"Go away Steven, I'm 'membering."

Steven entered the bathroom and glanced at the several Member Berries around the bathroom. Peridot was strung out. "You know Peridot, you shouldn't be eating Member Berries, that stuff is really bad for you."

"I don't have a problem. I can quit when I want."

There was a knock at the front door. Steven glanced out the bathroom. "I'm gonna go get that. When I come back, we're getting rid of these Member Berries, okay?"

"Mmkay."

Steven approached the front door and opened it—and was shocked to see the Rubies standing there. Army, Navy, Leggy, and Doc. All of them except for Eyeball.

Navy cleared her throat. "Ahem. Greetings, good sir!" she chirped merrily. "It has been brought to our attention that you may have acquired a potentially defective Peridot, which was sold to you between March and June of 2015. We're so sorry about that!"

Steven glared. "Peridot isn't defective and we didn't BUY her."

"In any case, the manufacturers are issuing a MANDATORY recall of all Peridots with serial numbers between 8-774663-9 and 8-774886-9, and we believe the Peridot you were sold is within that range."

Steven blinked. "We aren't returning her."

"Are you sure, sir? If you don't, you may be voiding your warranty and may not receive any support if—" Steven slammed the door and returned to the bathroom.

"Okay Peridot. It's serious Steven time. Get dressed. We're going out."

"'Member when Steven Universe wasn't such a self-righteous asshole war criminal who preached friendship lessons out the butt?" one of the Member Berries chirped enthusiastically. The room erupted into cheers of "I 'member!"s and "'member that?"s.

"'Member Net Neutrality?" Steven replied, unamused by the talking grapes, which proceeded to explode, leaving Steven and Peridot completely alone and soaked in nostalgia juice. "Get cleaned up, Peridot. You need to get out of the house."

"I'd rather not."

"We are going to have MANDATORY Steven/Peridot bonding time. This isn't up for debate. Get dressed."

Peridot glanced down at herself. "I'm already dressed."

"Dress in something OTHER than your jumpsuit. Don't you ever take that thing off?"

"I'm scared to. I have no idea what's underneath it."

"Two dots and a double-you. Probably."

Peridot got up and brushed the 'Member juice off of her body. "Alright. Fine. I'll put on something… presentable. I'm a mess."

"It's okay to be a mess sometimes, but you've consistently been a mess since Puerto Rico."

Peridot crossed her arms. "I almost wish I was back in Puerto Rico. At least there I knew what I was up against."

"What do you mean by that?" Steven asked, tilting his head.

"N-nothing," Peridot said, shaking her head. The last few months have been a wild ride. Over the summer, she'd challenged Mayor Dewey in the election—and won. As mayor, she proceeded to get diddly-squat done, and her only meaningful act had been to get a news reporter arrested after he tried to kill her.

Oh, and Puerto Rico was a state now, but that didn't really matter as much to her.

After the shit hit the fan and Peridot resigned—and after Former Mayor Dewey lost the special election against yet another anti-establishment challenger—Peridot was contacted by her superiors on Homeworld for the first time since she'd called Yellow Diamond a clod. They gave her a new task—run against President Garrison in 2020 and become their new puppet on Earth, or face complete and utter destruction. Peridot tried to figure out what the odds were that they were bluffing—50/50 odds weren't good odds, at least not in her mind.

She hadn't told anybody about what Yellow Diamond asked her to do. She didn't want anybody to worry about it until November 3rd, 2020, when Peridot has inexplicably won electoral votes from 30 of the 51 United States of America, along with the District of Columbia.

Even right now, Peridot was desperately searching for ways to throw the election. It wasn't TOTALLY impossible, Hillary Clinton had managed to lose spectacularly last time despite having literally every advantage. Perhaps, if Mr. Garrison got his shit together and dealt with the humanitarian crisis, he could swipe Puerto Rico's 5 electoral votes from Peridot… Florida was always a close state, so maybe if just one or two people abstained from voting…

Wait. Shit. A Democrat just won a special Senate election in Alabama, like, a week ago. That meant that it was at least somewhat possible for Mr. Garrison to lose even the states where he was most popular in 2020, even if only by a small margin. Damn this winner-take-all electoral college system...

"Peridot?" Steven interrupted Peridot's internal plotting. "You're just kind of staring off into space right now."

"I'm just… uh… thinking about the future," Peridot said. That was TECHNICALLY true. "Say, Steven, random question."

"Lay it on me."

"What exactly would the President have to do to earn back all those voters he lost?"

Steven shrugged. "Let's see… Bring peace to the Middle East, bring Democracy to North Korea, solve the humanitarian crisis in Puerto Rico, uh… Probably get off of Twitter? I mean, he DID nuke Canada, a LOT of people are peeved about that." Steven tilted his head quizzically. "Why?"

"Oh, you know, it's just…" Peridot glanced around nervously. "Herbert's a very dear friend of mine, I hate to see him doing so poorly in the polls."

"I thought you hated him?"

"Steven, Steven, I don't have to AGREE with somebody on ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING to like them!" Peridot said, placing a hand on Steven's shoulder. "That's called an echo chamber and it's toxic."

"But you don't agree with him on absolutely ANYTHING." Steven pulled out his phone to prove a point. "When you were running for Mayor, you got on Twitter and said… 'President Garrison has a thing for puppets. Is that why he became one?'"

"Well, that—"

"To which he responded, 'Suck a turd, retard, you're a gay leprechaun.'" Steven scrolled down. "He also said you eat babies, and then when people called him out on it he challenged you to prove him wrong, which you did by releasing a 5-minute video on YouTube where you held a baby in total silence. And then he claimed you ate the baby off-camera anyway."

"That's just… friendly teasing!" Peridot excused. "We do it all the time on Homeworld. You wouldn't get it, you're not even a century old, when you're older I'll take you to my old Kindergarten."

"What, on Homeworld?" Steven pondered the thought. "Do you think we'll be able to go to Homeworld one day without somebody trying to kill us?"

Peridot sighed. "Yeah, you know what, don't count on it," Peridot muttered under her breath.

"What?"

"Nothing, nothing. God, I hope Lapis is handling everything better than I am."

There was another knock at the door. Steven left to go answer it—and raised an eyebrow at the man at the other side.

"Mr. President?" Steven said, mildly surprised that the President was standing right in front of him.

Garrison stood opposite Steven, displaying his best stank face. "Hey, uh, can I crash at your place for a while?" he asked. "Things aren't really working out at the White House, I need to get away for a while."

Steven blinked. "You… want to stay at the temple?"

"Thanks!" Garrison said, smiling as he walked past Steven. "It sure is great to be a Crystal Gem." Garrison sat down at the couch and kicked his shoes off, immediately making himself at home by reclining and putting his feet up on the table.

"You're a Crystal Gem?" Steven asked, tilting his head.

"Oh, hell yeah, ALL of the Presidents are Crystal Gems," Mr. Garrison replied. "Did you know that your mom gave Bill Clinton a blowjob in office?"

"Eugh," Steven groaned, trying to clear his mind of that mental image. Knowing that Rose Quartz was a literal war criminal was bad enough, he really didn't need this right now. "Listen, Mr. President, I don't know if it's really a good idea to have you here right now. If Canada finds out you're in Beach City…"

Mr. Garrison sat up. "Now hold on, hold on!" He stood up and walked over to Steven. "It's only for a little while. You won't even know I'm here!"

"I don't know…"

Garrison knelt down and put a hand on Steven's shoulder. "Steven, I promise, I'll try as hard as possible to NOT be a nuisance. Okay? You'd be doing America a great service by letting the President crash on your couch."

Steven sighed. "Alright, Mr. President. You can stay here."

"Well alright!" Garrison said, smiling as he returned to the couch. "I knew I could count on you."

"But- but only for a few days!" Steven added. "The Crystal Gems are on a mission right now. I don't think they'll be back for a few days, but you have to be gone by then. Okay?"

"Sure, sure, whatever you say, kid."

Peridot walked out into the living room, now donning a bow tie, something she felt was an acceptable compromise for getting changed, which she still refused to do on account of she still had no idea what was actually underneath her clothes. "Alright, Steven, I'm ready. Where are we going?"

"Well, nowhere, now."

"What? Why not?" Peridot glanced over at Mr. Garrison, who was casually reclining on the couch. She frowned. "Oh, jeeeeez."

"'Sup, gay leprechaun?"

"The President is going to be staying with us for a few days," Steven said. He laughed nervously, his eyes darting back. "Well, uh, I need to go to the store. The President probably has a… A Presidential appetite! Haha… Ha…" Steven put his hand on the back of his neck. "Peridot, why don't you keep him company? I'll be right back." Steven stepped out.

"Did he just call me fat?" Garrison asked, slightly offended. "What a fuckin' hypocrite. You don't think I'm fat, do you?"

Peridot didn't answer. She had questions of her own. She paused, looking for the right words. "Why did you nuke Canada?"

Garrison raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

"You dropped a five-megaton thermonuclear bomb on Toronto. Why?"

The President shrugged. "Millennials Against Canada turned me on to the idea." He paused for a minute before adding, "I mean that literally. I got hard thinking about it."

"Millions of people…"

"Oh, here we go with the guilt trip."

"Millions of people are going to vote for me over you because of that…"

That caught Garrison off-guard. "Wait, what?"

"You actually had a shot at beating me in 2020," Peridot muttered. "But then you nuked Canada. Now I'm going to be President."

"Now hold on just a second!" Garrison interrupted Peridot. He sat back up and glared at her. "Millions of people DIED, Peridot. Toronto is totally wiped off the map. The international implications of what I did are HUGE. The country is facing WAR with the Canadians for the first time since the Clinton Administration. Millions more WILL die." Peridot looked back up at the President, who looked horrified. "And your concern… is that you're going to get elected President?"

Peridot shrugged. "That was the only thing you just listed that was at least somewhat under my own control."

Garrison blinked. "Jeez, your dangerous narcissism makes ME look like Butters." He blinked again. "W-wait! You're going to run against me in 2020?"

Peridot's eyes widened. "U-uh, no!"

"Yes, you are!" Garrison's mouth was agape. "You just said you were!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yuh-huh!" Garrison grinned. "Oh, this is fan-fuckin'-tastic! I just have to deal with this shit for three more years, then you can clean up my mess and I can go back to teaching!"

"Mr. President, I can–" Peridot began to explain, before stopping herself. "...wait. You… don't want to get re-elected?"

"Hell no I don't want to get re-elected, are you kidding me?!" Garrison yelled. "I've spent the last six months trying to get impeached!"

"Then why are you going to run?!"

"Because, dumbass!" Garrison chided. "By the time I realized I didn't want to be President anymore, I had already started campaigning!" He began to list the steps he had taken to re-election on his fingertips. "I've held rallies, blasted potential opponents on Twitter, bragged about how I would win again if Hillary Clinton ever tried to run again! Peridot, the day I took office, I filed forms with the FEC signaling my intent to run! No President has EVER done that shit before! If I don't run, or if I resign, I'll look like a huge jackass!" The President pointed an accusatory finger at Peridot. "If YOU don't want to be President, why are YOU running?"

"My home planet is forcing me to run!" Peridot yelled back. "They want me to help them restart their Kindergarten operation on Earth and said if I don't they'll just blow up the planet anyway and there's only, like, a fifty percent chance they're bluffing!"

"Oh man, this is great!" Garrison said, smiling as he turned away and paced the room. "I am gonna have so much fun throwing the election!"

Peridot's eyes widened. "NO!"

Steven walked down an aisle in Whole Foods, looking for something he could use to make a nutritious meal fit for a President. "Hmmm…" he hummed. "Maybe he'd like a nice salad…"

Nearby, three gentlemen in suits sat at a table, awaiting their coffee. Their faces were obscured by newspapers they'd been reading. One lowered his paper, revealing his balding head and face. He wore reading glasses over his beady eyes, and his flappy head immediately told anyone who cared to notice his heritage—this man, and his two associates, were Canadian.

"There he is," the lead Canadian muttered. "That's our guy." He and his two colleagues stood up and approached Steven, who was admiring a bag of croutons.

"Hmm… does anyone even actually like croutons?" Steven wondered. Suddenly, he became acutely aware of the three pairs of beady eyes staring at him. Steven turned around and nearly jumped when he realized he was surrounded by three Canadian men. "AH!"

"Lovely weather we're having," the lead Canadian said immediately. "Eh, buddy?"

"Uh, y-yeah…" Steven replied, sweating. Why were these guys so close to him?

The lead Canadian inspected his shopping basket. "Lots of good stuff in there, friend," he said.

"Yeah. Uh, I'm cooking for a… friend."

The man narrowed his eyes. "This is enough food for a feast. What's all that aboot?"

"My friend has a big appetite."

"A… Presidential appetite, you might say?"

Steven's eyes widened. "Uh, yeah, that's… it sure is going to be a big meal!" These men were looking for the President! If these Canadians found out he was hiding Garrison… "A-anyway, my friend is waiting for me, so I really should—"

"What's the big hurry, guy?" one of the other Canadians said, stepping in front of Steven. "Why don't we sit down and have a nice little chat? It's fuckin' rude to walk aboot while someone's talking to you."

"I'm not walking 'about'," Steven said, stressing that last word. "I just, uh, really need to get back. He's impatient."

The lead Canadian narrowed his eyes once again. "Alright," he said. "We wouldn't want you to be late. Don't be a stranger, friend."

"Th-thanks… buddy..." Thoroughly perturbed, Steven made his way through the checkout line, paid for his groceries, and left. The lead Canadian turned to his associates.

"Follow him. I want to see where this asshole goes." His associates nodded, and followed Steven out the door.

Steven walked down the road. It was getting dark out, and Whole Foods was on the other side of town from the temple, so he decided to move along a little faster. Cars drove past as Steven made his way down the sidewalk. One, he noticed, was one which he'd seen while Peridot was running for Mayor, and adorned on it were new bumper stickers which covered the old ones, which previously endorsed her.

Lock Her Up!

Have Buyer's Remorse?

Follow PeridotRegrets on Twitter!

Steven sighed. He did follow the PeridotRegrets Twitter account, back when it was first started shortly after the election. Some of the people who posted to it probably wanted to kill her. It sure was a good thing she'd resigned— wait, what was that?

Steven turned. He saw something out of the corner of his eye. Someone. Watching. Steven scanned the area. Nothing. A worried look appeared on his face as he continued walking. More movement. Steven turned again. This time, he saw somebody dart into the shadows.

"H-hello?" he called out into the darkness. "Is anyone there?" No answer. Realizing he was being followed, Steven started walking again, his pace brisker this time. More movement. He turned his head just in time to see a Canadian man move behind a nearby car. His eyes widened. He started to move faster. Another Canadian, this time on a rooftop. Another one across the street. They were all watching him. Nowhere was safe. Steven started jogging. A car nearby had two Canadians in it. He ran the other way. Canadians everywhere! This was it. Steven was about to meet his maker. Nowhere to run. Canadians! A car pulled out in front of Steven.

"AH!" he yelled as the car skidded to a stop, just short of hitting him. He fell to the ground and covered his face.

Peridot tried to wrestle Garrison's phone from his hands. "Give me that!" she yelled. "You are not sending another tweet!"

Garrison struggled to type as Peridot jumped over him to try and grab his phone. "'Blame… Canada'... send!" Peridot heard a "woosh" noise escape the commander-in-chief's phone, signaling that the Tweet was sent out. Suddenly, the phone began letting out dozens of alert tones. "Ooh! Look at all of these angry responses from blue checkmarks! Sounds to me like my approval rating's dropping!"

"WHY?!" Peridot shouted. "Why are you doing this?!"

"Ssh, shh, quiet," Garrison hushed. "The Prime Minister of China's on the phone. Yes, hello, Premier Li?" The President paused, and Peridot stared at him, anticipating his next words. Suddenly, Garrison began to shout. "Fuck you, Li! Your nose looks like the front-end of a Volkswagen Beetle!" The honorable 45th and current President of the United States of America then held his phone to his ass and started farting, much to Peridot's shock and horror. He hung up after this and threw his phone onto the couch. "That oughta do it."

"WHY DID YOU DO THAT?! The media's going to tear you apart when they hear about this!"

"Ooh, jeez, did I do that?"

Peridot turned away and clutched her head. It was over. Garrison was going to completely blow his re-election bid and thrust Peridot into the Oval Office. They might as well call her President-Elect Peridot now. How on Earth was she going to be able to suck harder than him?

Peridot turned back to Garrison, tears filling her eyes. "Can't you at least TRY to do a good job? I don't want to have to clean up your mess…"

"That sounds like a tall order, Peridot," Garrison hummed. "I don't know if I'll be able to fix everything in time. If I did, my approval rating would shoot up, but…"

Peridot realized something. She slowly stared up at the President. "Say that again."

"If I fixed everything I broke, people would like me again. Sure is too bad I can't fix it, huh?"

The green gem wiped the tears from her eyes and glanced around the room. She eyed a globe that Steven kept on the kitchen counter. Suddenly, a look of determination replaced her fearful look. "Maybe you can't. But I can."

Garrison frowned. "Wuh, what? What do you mean?"

"I'm going to fix your messes…" Peridot said, still staring at the globe. "I'm going to bring peace to the Middle East, bring Democracy to North Korea, and solve the humanitarian crisis in Puerto Rico." The Gem turned to face the President. "I'm going to do all of that, and more. DURING your term. And I'll give YOU credit for it."

Garrison's mouth was slightly agape. "No you won't."

"I will."

"You wouldn't DARE!"

"I would!" Peridot yelled. "Let's do it, peace in the Middle East! I will PERSONALLY dismantle ISIS and let YOU reap the rewards!"

"Peridot, so help me, if you move my approval ratings up even an INCH, you will regret it!"

"TRY ME!" Peridot yelled again. "By the end of 2018, Everyone's going to LOVE you!" She pulled out her phone.

"What are you doing?" No answer. "Peridot, what the fuck are you doing?"

"Signing in to your Twitter account. I know your password."

Garrison stood up. "Peridot. Put that phone down."

"'I deeply… apologize…'"

"Put it down, NOW."

"'...for the horrible… things… I said…'"

"Peridot."

"'...about… Canadians…'" Peridot glared up at the President.

"I'm warning you," Garrison growled. Peridot glanced at her phone, then back at Garrison. "Don't post that." Peridot looked back at her phone. "Don't you post that. Don't–" Peridot hit "send". She gave Garrison a satisfied, cat-like smirk and narrowed her eyes.

"Glad to see you've matured, Mr. President," she mocked.

"YOU SKANK!" Garrison yelled. "I'll kill you!" Peridot's eyes widened as the President tackled her.

"Please, don't hurt me! I love Canada, I swear, my dad owns all of Bryan Adams' CDs!" Steven continued to cower in the car's headlights.

Two figures stepped out of the car and approached Steven. Steven looked up, still shaking, and realized whose car had almost hit him.

This was the Pizzas' car.

He looked up at the people that had approached him. He'd never been so glad to see Jenny Pizza and Buck Dewey before, although Jenny looked slightly annoyed.

"Steven," she said. "What are you doing sitting in the middle of the road like that? We almost hit you!"

Steven looked around. No more Canadians. Laughing nervously, he stood up. "Haha, uh, technically you almost hit me first."

"You ran in front of my car," Jenny replied. "You're lucky I ignored Sour Cream when he tried to show me all that stuff on Twitter, or I wouldn't have seen you in time!"

Steven glanced slightly past Jenny and Buck, and saw that Sour Cream was sitting in the car's back seat, staring at his phone.

"The President's been tweeting some weird stuff," Sour Cream muttered.

The President. "Yeah, sorry about that," Steven said. "I, uh, don't know what I was thinking. Haha."

Jenny raised an eyebrow. "Steven, is something the matter?"

"Well, uh—" Steven glanced over at a nearby parked car, and widened his eyes when he noticed the square tires and simplistic body design. That car was Canadian. "Actually, yeah. Can you give me a ride home? I'll tell you on the way."

Jenny raised her eyebrows, almost as if she was trying to think about something. She smiled, however, and nodded. "Hop in."

Steven got into the car, sitting next to Sour Cream, who was still reading the President's tweets. "Man, check this out. The President just apologized for all of the super lame stuff he said about Canadians."

Jenny laughed. "Hah! Who wrote that tweet for him, his damage control lawyer?"

Steven furrowed his brow. That was impossible. The President was back at the temple, with…

Peridot.

Steven gasped. "Jenny, I'm sorry, I need you to step on it!"

"What?"

"I need to get back to the Temple!"

"What's going on?" Jenny asked. "You've been acting weird."

"I left the President all alone with Peridot!" Steven said.

"THE PRESIDENT?!" every other inhabitant of the car shouted simultaneously.

"Steven, do you know how serious this is?!" Jenny said, looking back. "If Canada finds out the President is in Beach City–"

"I didn't know what else to do!" Steven complained. "He just showed up, and before I could say no, he was already crashing on my couch!"

Buck blinked. "You know the President? Personally?"

Steven groaned. "It's a long story. He helped the Crystal Gems stop Steve Bannon from launching a fantastic nuke last spring, and then after Peridot ran for Mayor, he tried to keep in touch, and when Peridot resigned, I thought that was the end of it. But no! The President keeps trying to worm his way into our lives, for some reason!"

"Steven, you need to take a stand!" Jenny encouraged. "Learn how to say 'no'! Just because you knew the President in the past doesn't mean he has to keep being a part of your life!"

Sour Cream nodded. "Yeah. Steven, the President has taken ahold of your life. It's like he's on your mind 24/7."

Steven slouched in his seat. "It's hard for him not to be. Every time he does or says something dumb, or bombs a country, it's just… Everywhere."

The group came to a stoplight. Jenny looked down. "Maybe we're all a little obsessed with the President…" she muttered.

Steven sighed. "That's not even my biggest problem right now. I think I'm being followed."

Jenny turned back around, staring inquisitively at Steven. "Who's following you?"

"Some Canadian guys," Steven said. "I bumped into them at Whole Foods. I think they know I know the President, or something."

Jenny looked back at the road. The light was still red. She sighed. "Jeez, we really are in trouble…" she muttered.

"Uh. Guys," Sour Cream interrupted her train of thought. "We're in a lot of trouble."

Everyone looked to where he pointed. Parked right next to them, in the other lane, was a black car full of Canadians.

"AH! That's them!" Steven yelled. "Floor it!"

The light turned green. Jenny floored it. The Canadians followed. Jenny looked at her rear view mirror and adopted a determined glare. "Is everyone buckled up?" she asked.

Sour Cream glanced down at his seatbelt, which was undone. "Uh–"

"Too late!" Jenny yelled, before taking a sharp turn, surprising everyone—but especially Sour Cream.

"What are you doing?" Steven asked, once his stomach settled. "The Temple's that way!"

"I'm not leading these beady-eyed nobodies to the President!" Jenny sassed. "We need to lose them, first!"

Steven raised his eyebrows and looked back at the Canadians, who were still following. "Right!"

Jenny sped up, accelerating well past the speed limit in an effort to ditch the beady-eyed nobodies. She swerved, drifted, and turned, trying to put as much distance between her car and the Canadians'. Steven couldn't believe the car was even capable of half of this stuff. Unfortunately, so were their flappy-headed pursuers.

"They're not slowing down…" Steven said, worry in his voice. "We need to—"

"Jenny, up ahead!" Sour Cream said. Jenny looked up at the upcoming stoplight. It was yellow. Still glaring forward, Jenny stepped on the gas. The light turned red right as she blasted through the intersection. Steven turned around again just in time to watch the Canadians get t-boned by an oncoming vehicle.

"Ooh!" Steven winced, shielding his eyes from the wreck. "I hope they're okay."

It was at that point that Steven realized it was Kevin who just hit the Canadians. Kevin stepped out of his car, a look of pure frustration on his face, which even Steven had to admit was pretty funny. The Canadians stepped out of their car as well, and Steven was able to fully celebrate his victory, knowing nobody was hurt too badly.

"Phew," he sighed, relaxing in his seat. "That was close."

Once some distance was put between them and the wreck, Jenny parked the car on the shoulder and started to relax a bit herself. "Is everyone okay?"

Sour Cream has been knocked to the floor during one of the turns. Nonetheless, he held a thumb up, to confirm he was okay.

Steven looked around. "Where are we?"

"Ten minutes out from Ocean Town," Buck said, staring at the maps app on his phone. "Beach City's back that way."

Steven sighed. "Okay. We need to get back. The President's still at the Temple."

Sour Cream blinked. "Didn't you tell us before that the leprechaun living in your bathroom hates the President?

Peridot and Garrison rolled around the room, fighting for control of The President's Twitter. Peridot threw a punch, knocking his glasses off. Garrison's mouth was agape.

"You can't hit me! I'm the President!"

Peridot blinked. "I- I can hit you as Mr. Garrison, though, right? I just can't hit you as the President." Peridot stared off at nothing in particular. "Hey, if anyone's watching or listening, I am NOT fighting the President. I'm fighting a sexually confused school teacher from Colorado-" Garrison punched Peridot back, catching her off-guard. "Ow! You clod!"

The two wrestled for a moment, both becoming bruised from the fight. "The Secret Service is gonna have a field day with this one!" Garrison yelled. "I sure hope this doesn't get published on the Internet, because whoever did that would be in a lot of trouble!"

"Who are you talking to?" Peridot yelled back.

"Nobody, I'm just really hoping nobody's doing any satirical takes on fighting the President right now!"

The fight progressed. Garrison's shirt became undone, exposing his gross old man chest. Garrison punched Peridot in the face, sending her visor flying. "HEY! You clod! Nobody's ever seen me without that on!"

By the end of the fight, Peridot was on top, holding both of their phones high above her head. "AHA! I am victorious!"

Steven entered the temple. "Okay. That took a little longer than I thought, but I—HOLY SMOKES!" he shouted, averting his eyes. "Jeez! I-is that even legal?!"

Peridot looked over at Steven, and smiled. "Oh, hey Steven! What's so…" she looked down. She was basically straddling the President. This probably looked very bad. "Oh. No, Steven, it's not—"

"Listen, I know you miss Lapis," Steven said, still keeping his gaze away. "But this is… You could do a LOT better!"

"It's not at ALL what it looks like," Peridot excused. "We were just wrestling!"

"Ugh… I need to go wash my eyeballs…"

Peridot and Mr. Garrison stood up as Steven made his way to the bathroom. The door slammed shut, and they glanced at each other.

"Jeez, he doesn't sound very happy," Garrison muttered.

Steven splashed water in his face and looked at his reflection in the mirror. The President really had to go. Now that he'd started some sordid love affair with Peridot, Steven was more sure of it. Once he was done in here, Steven was going to go tell Mr. Garrison to get lost.

There was a knock at the door. "Steven?" Steven heard Peridot's voice from the other end. "Are you decent? I would like to come inside."

"Entre," Steven said. Peridot opened the door. She was re-applying her visor and smoothing out her hair. "Peridot, he's not right for you."

"I wasn't engaging in intercourse with the President," Peridot said, crossing her arms. "Human sexuality is totally bizarre to me anyways, I don't think I'd gain much from it."

"Then what were you doing?"

"Fighting." She leaned against the wall. "I lied earlier. We aren't friends. I despise him."

"Why would you lie about that?" Steven asked, tilting his head. "NOBODY likes the President, it's not like anybody would judge you for feeling that way."

Peridot adopted a half-lidded glare and pulled out her phone. "Would you like me to read you a Stormfront thread?"

Steven rolled his eyes. "Okay, well, nobody who MATTERS likes the President. Besides, you never cared about what people thought before. Why did that change?"

Peridot's face grew sadder, and she stared down at the floor. "I can't tell you why I've been acting this way," she said, sliding down the wall to sit down. "I'm sorry."

"Why not?" Steven asked, walking over to Peridot and sitting down next to her. "You can tell me anything."

"There's a lot I still don't tell you," Peridot said. "Don't take it personally, I don't tell anyone most things. I just… Don't want to hurt you."

Steven scratched the back of his neck, debating whether or not to ask Peridot something. "Is it… about the crush you had on me?"

Peridot's eyes widened. "Who told you about that?" she asked quickly.

"I kind of guessed," Steven replied. "After you became the Mayor you started acting… differently around me. At first, I thought you were annoyed by me or something. Like you didn't want to be around me." Steven laughed nervously. "Looking back, that was kind of silly. Then I realized Connie was acting weird too, like she didn't trust you or something. That's kind of what tipped me off."

Peridot looked back down at the floor. "Gee. That's embarrassing." She felt a hot wash of shame go over her entire body, and she tried to push it out of her mind. "But no. That's not what it is. And I'm over that anyway."

Steven gave Peridot a worried look. "Then what is it? You can tell me."

Peridot sighed. Her eyes darted around the room. She didn't know how to lie her way out of this. She couldn't. Finally, she decided to come clean. "I'm working with Homeworld."

"...oh."

"Shortly after I resigned from my seat as Mayor, Yellow Diamond got in touch," Peridot explained. "She… she's been watching, Steven. Observing. Learning. Plotting." A tear rolled down her cheek. "Lapis was right. Another war IS coming. And I don't know if I'm ready for one."

"What did she want from you?"

"She wants me to succeed Garrison as President and use the position to re-start our mining operation on Earth." Peridot didn't like crying—it was a rather ugly and useless function—but she didn't know what else to do. "The reason I want Garrison's approval rating to go up is so that he can get re-elected in 2020. I don't want to be President, I don't want to help Yellow Diamond, and I don't want to sell out my friends." She pulled her legs to her chest. "But I don't have a choice. She's going to kill you, and the Crystal Gems. Everyone I care about. Lapis needs to stay away, because if she comes back, she'll die too. We're doomed."

They sat in silence for a moment. Suddenly, Steven put his hand on Peridot's shoulder. "No we aren't."

"How? How are we not doomed?"

Steven shrugged. "I don't know. But we have almost three years to figure it out. Whatever happens, I promise, you won't be forced back into their servitude."

"I-"

"Just don't worry about it right now. We'll figure something out." Steven stood up. "You, me, and the Crystal Gems. We're going to get through this. You have to believe that. Okay?"

Peridot looked unsure. "Steven. Do you remember when we went to South Park, several months ago?"

Steven nodded. That was quite the adventure, though admittedly he didn't think much about it.

"When the Crystal Gems found out I was the one who caused the Member Berries to invade Beach City, they…" Peridot paused. "They were sure I was a traitor. When they find out about THIS, they're going to shatter me."

"No they aren't!" Steven argued. "You have to give them more credit than THAT. But if it makes you feel any better, we don't have to tell them right now. It'll just be our little secret. Okay?"

Peridot sighed. "Okay. Thanks."

"We don't have to worry about it right now. It's not for another three years." Steven coughed. "And, uh, something tells me we'll be dealing with Homeworld before that happens anyway."

Peridot chuckled. "Right. YOU'LL probably do something to anger them before I even have a CHANCE!"

"See, that's the spirit!" Steven said. "Whatever happens; it isn't your fault."

"That does make me feel a little better." Something else came into Peridot's mind. "So, what are we going to do about HIM?"

"Who? Oh. OH. The President." Steven shook his head. "Don't worry about that. I've got it covered." He heard a knock at the front door. "In fact, I think that's our cover now."

"Who did you call?"

Steven and Peridot approached the front door, where the knocking continued. Steven opened it, and Peridot raised her eyebrows at the people on the other side.

Paul Ryan, Mike Pence, and Mitch McConnell all stood at the door. Ryan cleared his throat. "Ahem. Greetings, good sir!" he chirped merrily. "It has been brought to our attention that you may have acquired a potentially defective President, which was sold to you between November of 2016 and January of 2017. We're so sorry about that! The manufacturers are issuing a MANDATORY recall of all Presidents with the serial number '45', and we believe the President you were sold carries that serial number."

Mr. Garrison raised an eyebrow and walked over. "Who are you guys talking to–oh shit," he exclaimed, turning around and trying to run the other way.

"There he is!" Ryan yelled. "Get him!"

"You can't keep taking these vacations every weekend, Mr. President!" McConnell exclaimed as the three Republican leaders tackled Garrison. "You have duties at the White House!"

"You guys don't understand!" Garrison begged as he was dragged out of the house. "The Canadians are really pissed off at me! I can't go back, they'll eat me alive!"

"Come on Mr. President," Ryan said, struggling to pull Garrison away from the doorframe he'd anchored himself to. "Stop… Being… such… a baby!" he yelled as he ripped the President free.

"No! Steven, you have to tell them they've got the wrong President!" Garrison pleaded. "Please, it was Obama! Obama's behind it all! Obama! OBAMA!"

Soon, the President was gone. Steven breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness that's over with." He looked over at Peridot and smiled. "You know, that new Final Fantasy XV DLC just came out. You wanna go check it out?"

"What's 'dee-ell-see'?" Peridot inquired.

"Oh, it's basically a huge scam, designed to get you to buy an unfinished video game," Steven shrugged. "But it's still fun!"

"Right. Okay! Let us check out the 'dee-ell-see'!" Peridot and Steven marched to the game system to play the DLC.

The three Canadians once again sat at the Whole Foods cafe, sporting comical injuries from their car accident. A fourth Canadian arrived and joined them. "We checked the entire town, buddy. The President isn't here anymore. We lost him."

"That's just fine," the lead Canadian said. "We think we might be close to finding a DIFFERENT enemy of Canada."

"What are you talking aboot?"

The lead Canadian slid a photograph over to his friend, who picked it up. "Recognize that woman?" The newcomer stared at the photo. It appeared to be of a rather large, pink-haired woman sporting a long dress which covered her feet. Over her navel was a pink stone.

The man looked back up at his boss. "You think she's here?"

The lead Canadian nodded. "She is. We believe that Steven boy can lead us to her."

The men looked back at the photograph, intensely glaring at the subject. Canada would soon have her revenge, one way or another.

It was only a matter of time.

The lead Canadian farted.