A/N: I wrote this in, like, three days, because I got the idea on Friday while I was writing the ACTUAL third chapter and wanted to give it a shot for Christmas.

Also this chapter is, like, 70% poop jokes, so I purposely wrote it so that you could skip past it without really missing much. You know. In case you don't want to spend your Christmas morning reading about talking shit.

For the record, I'm 20 years old.

The holidays were here. A fresh blanket of snow covered the ground in Beach City, and many of its residents were indoors, celebrating. The Crystal Gems—Garnet, Amethyst, Peridot, and Pearl, and of course Steven, with Greg joining—moved about the beach house, decorating it as they saw fit for the holidays. Pumpkin roamed the house excitedly, his weird gross pumpkin innard tongue hanging out as he tried to get in on what everyone else was doing.

Pearl, who was decorating the tree with Amethyst and Peridot, glanced down at an opened box just below her feet. "Peridot? The stockings are in there, can you hang those up over the fireplace?"

Peridot looked over at the box and smiled. "Yeah, sure!" she said, nodding. She grabbed the box and dragged it over to the fireplace and got to work. "Let's see… Steven… Greg… I'll just put mine right over here… Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl…" She stepped back and admired her work. "There we go!" Peridot looked back at the box and frowned. "Oh, shoot, I missed one."

Steven's eyes widened. He turned his head so fast he nearly got whiplash and stared at the box. "Wait, Peridot, that's not–"

"One more stocking, for…" Peridot trailed off. Her cheerful expression gradually disappeared. "Lapis."

Pearl shot Amethyst an annoyed glare. "I told you to take that one out of the box," she whispered.

"I forgot!" Amethyst whispered back.

"Uh, Peridot!" Pearl tried to distract Peridot from the situation. "I don't think I'm tall enough to put the star on top of the tree. Could you levitate it up there?"

Peridot kept staring at the stocking in her hands. "You know, last year, we made snow Gems at the barn." She chuckled sadly. "We found out a Gem monster was hiding in the snow we rolled up, and the snow creatures came to life." The Crystal Gems all glanced uneasily at each other while Peridot reminisced. "Instead of calling you guys, we tried to take care of it ourselves. It was… a genuinely enjoyable experience. We had a blast."

Steven looked up at his dad, who was nervously scratching the back of his head. "Uh, listen, Peridot," Greg tried to find something comforting to say, but the truth was he couldn't. He lost Rose all those years ago, but the difference was now he had Steven.

Peridot didn't have anybody, except for memories and the knowledge that Lapis left willingly, of her own volition.

Peridot snapped back to reality upon realizing everyone was staring at her. "Oh. Uh…"

"Peridot, are you okay?" Steven asked.

"I'm fine! Honest!" Peridot laughed nervously. She glanced at the stocking she was holding, which bore Lapis' name. "I, uh…" she frowned again. "I think I just need to be alone for a couple of minutes." Peridot placed the stocking down and walked over to Steven's bathroom. "I'll, uh… I'll be right back." She opened the door and stepped in, closing it behind her. Steven sighed.

"Poor Peridot," he muttered. "How is she gonna have a happy holiday if she's super lonely the whole time?"

Greg placed a hand on his son's shoulder. "You know, Schtu-ball, our first holiday after your mother left us wasn't exactly a great one either. I mean sure, you were there, but the wound was still fresh." He cast a worried glance at the bathroom. "I think it's gonna be a while before Peridot can really forget about what happened."

"Man, I hope Lapis is having a better holiday than Peridot is," said Amethyst. Everyone stared at her. "I mean, you know, SHE'S the one who decided to leave, so, you know, maybe she's having a blast!"

"I can still hear you guys," Peridot's muffled voice came from within the bathroom.

"Aw, crap."

Inside the bathroom, Peridot sighed, and looked up at her reflection. She knew her behavior was inappropriate. She was totally bringing the mood down. Amethyst raised a good point, though; Lapis DID choose to leave, so really, it was all her fault that Peridot was like this. Therefore, Lapis Lazuli had declared war on Christmas.

Peridot sighed again. "You're being unreasonable, Peridot," she said to her reflection. "You drove Lazuli away. That's why she left. It wasn't her. It was you."

"Gosh, that doesn't sound very nice," Peridot suddenly heard a rather high-pitched voice from… somewhere. She glanced around.

"Who said that?"

"You know, gettin' down on yourself just isn't in the holiday spirit," the voice continued. "Maybe you need someone to help you cheer up!"

"I'm hearing voices now," Peridot muttered. "Fabulous."

"Over here!" Peridot looked around the room. She saw nothing. "Down here!" She stared at the toilet seat, but rolled her eyes as soon as she did so.

"Yeah, right, Peridot," she said to herself. "The only thing that goes down there is—"

"Hoowwwdy-ho!" the voice said again—only this time, Peridot saw where it was coming from. The toilet bowl began to sparkle, and from out of it, jumped…

A piece of human feces. With a face. And arms. And a festive hat.

It was smiling at her.

"Howdy ho, Peridot!" the turd said. "Sounds to me like you need help getting into the Christmas—"

Peridot screamed.

On the other side of the door, the group heard Peridot's terrified screams, and shot each other alarmed looks. Steven ran to the door.

"Peridot! Are you okay?!"

"STEVEN! Help!" Peridot shouted. "There's a… it's a… YOU MADE THIS!"

Steven quickly opened the door and ran in. "What? What?! What is it?! What did you see– Peridot?" Steven looked around, but couldn't find Peridot. "Where'd you go?"

"Up here…" Peridot said. Steven looked up. She was perched atop the bar that held up the shower curtain, holding a toilet plunger and staring fearfully at the toilet. She was shaking violently. "Get it away from me!" she yelled.

Steven looked over at the toilet.

A turd was sitting on the seat.

He wrinkled his nose in disgust. "Ugh! Uh, Peridot, you know you're not supposed to reach in there, right?"

"Yes I know you aren't supposed to reach in there, you clod!" Peridot yelled, glaring at Steven. "It jumped out at me! Now kill it before it kills me!"

Steven looked back at the piece of poo. "This jumped out at you."

"Yes!"

"This inanimate piece of poo."

"Yes, now get rid of it for me!"

Steven just stared at Peridot for a solid thirty seconds, but eventually directed his gaze back at the turd. Grabbing a nearby toilet cleaning brush, he hesitantly pushed the excrement back into the toilet, and hit the flusher. Once the toilet had gone through its cycle, he stared back up at Peridot. "Are you sure you're feeling okay?"

"I think I'm going totally insane," Peridot muttered. "Is it gone?"

"Yes, it's gone."

Peridot sighed in relief. "Oh, I'm a mess. I really hope Lapis is dealing with everything better than I am."

Much of South Park's populace had gathered in the community center, where, as always, they were trying to deal with a very specific set of problems. Also as always, they were all really pissed off about it.

"Rabble rabble rabble! Rabble rabble rabble-" the crowd rabbled angrily.

Mayor McDaniels marched up to the podium and addressed the town. "People, people, please, calm down!"

Stephen Stotch stood up. "How can we calm down? There's a war on Christmas!"

"Yeah!" the crowd barked.

Thomas Tucker stood up as well. "I knew it would come down to this! First, we started putting 'Happy Holidays' on Starbucks cups. THEN, the President starts saying 'Happy Holidays' at the Christmas tree lighting. And NOW, we have to deal with… with this!"

Sheila Broflovski stood up. "It's not just Christmas. She ruined Hanukkah, too! She'll probably try to ruin Kwanzaa, if we give her the chance! We have to do something!"

"And New Years!"

"If she sticks around until Valentine's Day? What'll we do then?!"

The crowd began to rabble again, outraged at the War on Every Single Holiday. The Mayor sighed.

"People, please. I want Lapis Lazuli out of South Park as soon as possible too, believe me." She looked around at all of her constituents. "As you all know, since the holidays started, this alien has been wandering around town, breaking into homes, and trying to spend Christmas with people. Once she is in your home and spending time with your families, she totally brings down the mood. She tells stories about her tragic past and whines about her exes. In order to make sure our Christmas is as merry as possible, I've brought in a guest speaker to teach you how to deal with Lapis Lazuli. Please welcome, Bill Dewey."

The audience clapped as Dewey took the stage. He got behind the podium and addressed the townspeople. "Thank you, thank you. I'm Bill Dewey, the current Secretary of Alien Affairs under the President." The crowd groaned. "Now hold on, hold on! More importantly, I was formerly the mayor of Beach City, which is where Lapis Lazuli used to live. I know how to deal with this problem, because, believe me, I've had to deal with it before."

Dewey pulled a small remote out of his breast pocket and began to play a slideshow, which was being projected onto a large screen behind him. "Crystal Gems do two things very often. They sing," he said, clicking his button, "and they cry. That is all they do. They sing and they cry. Why do they do this?" He clicked the button again, and one word was displayed on the screen in big, bold letters. "Attention," he read aloud. "They do it for attention. They feed off of it. It sustains them. So, how do we deal with this problem in Beach City?" He clicked again. "We ignore them. If you ignore a Crystal Gem, they get bored and they leave to become someone else's problem.

"That's what we have to do now. If you see Lapis Lazuli, don't talk to her. Don't even acknowledge her. Just ignore her. Pretend she isn't there. Just let her do whatever until she leaves. Most importantly-"

"Hey guys, what's going on?" Lapis Lazuli said, having entered the community center. "Are we having a town meeting or something?" The townspeople all stared at her, before deciding to try Dewey's advice. Slowly, everyone looked away from her, and pretended she didn't exist. "...so, uh, you guys want to go build a snowman later?"

Everyone continued to ignore her. Randy Marsh coughed. Beyond that, the room was very silent for a long, awkward amount of time. Lapis raised an eyebrow and looked around at everyone. "Guys?" No response. Slowly, Lapis turned around and left the building. The room breathed a collective sigh of relief.

"It's as simple as that, folks," Dewey said, nodding. "Remember: just ignore her. Do not acknowledge her. Got it?"

"Got it," the crowd affirmed.

The Marsh family had gathered in their living room after the town meeting to spend the holidays together. Right now, they were decorating a Christmas tree. Randy stood by the tree while Sharon and the kids sorted through various ornaments and other decorations.

"Alright, Stanley, can you pass me the ornament you picked out when you were three?" Randy said. Stan obliged and grabbed a Terrance and Phillip ornament from the box. Smiling, he handed it to his dad, and Randy placed it on the tree. "Alright, now Shelley, can you hand me the ornament you got that looks like the snowman from Frozen?" His daughter handed him the ornament, which he placed on the tree. "Great! Stanley, can you give me the star?"

"Hey, you guys need help with that?" Lapis Lazuli asked, having invited herself into the Marsh home. "Oh, I can fly, I'll just put that star on top for you!"

The family stared at each other. Randy looked back down at Stan. "Stan. Stan, can I have the star?"

Stan looked up at Lapis Lazuli, then at his dad. "Uh."

Lapis looked down at Stan. "Here, Stan, I'll take the star for you."

"Stanley, what are you waiting for?" Randy asked. "Give me the star."

Still staring at Lapis, Stan slowly walked over to his father and handed him the star. "Here you go, dad," he said, although he hadn't stopped staring at Lapis.

"Thank you, Stanley," Randy smiled, and put the star on top of the tree. Lapis was really confused, but she just shrugged and left the house. Randy sighed with relief. "Oh, thank god, that worked."

The same happened at various other houses in South Park. The Tuckers and the Tweaks had dinner together that night.

"Are you enjoying the meal, Tweek?" Laura Tucker asked.

Tweek nodded. "Ngh! It's great Mrs. Tucker, thanks!"

Richard Tweak put his fork down. "You know, I'm thankful for the bond these two families have forged," he announced. "Since Tweek and Craig started dating, well, I don't know if any families in South Park have been as close as the Tweaks and the Tuckers!"

"That's right," Thomas agreed. "Our boys have created something really special here! Christmas is about spending time with family, and as far as I'm concerned, you guys are all family!"

"Yeah, family's great!" Lapis Lazuli said, sitting down at the dinner table. "I'm glad we can all spend Christmas together, as a family. So how was school, Craig?"

Craig stared at Lapis, then continued to eat his food, ignoring her.

"Craig? Craig, how was school?" Lapis turned her attention to Tweek. "Tweek, you're staying safe, I hope?" No response. Lapis frowned. "What is wrong with everyone today?" She got up and left.

The McCormicks sat at their kitchen table, eating Pop Tarts for dinner, as the Jerome McElroy Foundation wasn't able to raise enough money to provide a nutritious Christmas dinner for Kenny's family. Kenny glared at his Pop Tart and sighed.

"Kenny, are you feeling alright?" his mother, Carol asked. "You've barely touched your Pop Tart."

Lapis Lazuli entered the kitchen, carrying a tray. "Hey, everyone! I brought dinner!" Lapis pulled the cover off of the tray, and revealed a rather large, delicious looking turkey. Kenny's eyes widened, and he looked up at his parents, who were also eyeing the turkey. After a moment, however, they looked away and ignored Lapis—much to Kenny's dismay.

"Dude, what the fuck?!" Kenny yelled, his words muffled by his hood. "Are you guys fuckin' insane?!"

Lapis looked down at Kenny. "Kenny, would you like some turkey?"

"Hell yes, dude!" Kenny got up out of his seat and marched over to Lapis. Fate, however, had other plans, and a ceiling lamp fell from its fixture and crushed Kenny, killing him instantly.

Lapis gasped. "Oh my god!" she shouted. "They killed Kenny!" She stared at Kenny's family… who were still ignoring her.

Stuart stared at his son's corpse, then back at Lazuli. Carol tried to avert her eyes. Kenny's siblings, Kevin and Karen, just looked flat-out distressed.

In the end, however, they triumphed, and went back to eating their Pop Tarts, still ignoring Lapis, who just glared at them. Stuart quickly glanced over at his recently deceased son's uneaten Pop Tart, and grabbed it. Lapis groaned and left, much to the relief of Kenny's family.

Peridot, having finally calmed down, was back to being merry as she hung up decorations with the others. She stood on a stool and lined the front door with lights. What she didn't realize, however, was that she was soon to encounter a different sort of stool.

Peridot taped the lights to one corner of the frame, then to the other. "Okay, Amethyst, I need you to plug this in over there," she directed, pointing to a nearby socket.

"Got it."

Peridot admired her work. "This is nice. It's certainly keeping my mind off of–"

"Howdy ho, Peridot!"

"AH!" Peridot screamed, backing up off the stool to get away from the talking turd. She tripped and fell onto Steven, who was holding the ladder up for her.

"Oof!" Steven grunted—but he recovered quickly. "Peridot, are you okay?!"

"It's back!"

"What's back?"

Pearl glanced up at the doorframe—and saw a turd sitting on the doorframe. "Amethyst!"

"What?"

"Did you put that up there?!"

"It wasn't me!"

"Well it wasn't me either!" Peridot yelled. "Only you, Greg, and Steven eat food, so the way I see it, one of you left it there, and so help me, if I have to call the Hardly Boys to figure out who put it up there, I will!"

"Calm down, Peridot," Garnet said in a soothing voice. "It doesn't matter who put it there. Somebody will get it down."

"It matters when it walks and talks!" Peridot yelled. "I don't know a whole lot about humans, but I do know one thing. Their feces isn't supposed to talk!"

Greg raised his eyebrows. "Talking stool?"

"Yes! Talking stool!"

"Peridot's right," Garnet said. "It's not supposed to talk. Fortunately for us, it's not talking."

"What?" Peridot looked back up at the door frame. It was just a piece of poo. "No. No, it was talking to me. It said, like, 'howdily doodily', it something like that…"

Steven looked really worried. "Peridot. I REALLY think something's wrong."

"Nothing's WRONG!" Peridot argued, a little offended that nobody believed her. "You seriously think I'm making this up?"

"No, no, we don't think you're making things up!" Steven assured. "We just think, uh, maybe you're…"

"Going crazy?" Peridot asked. "That's what you think, isn't it? You think I've lost my marbles! Well I'm perfectly sane, I assure you! I'M NOT BEING UNREASONABLE!" Suddenly, Peridot felt a throbbing pain in her head, right behind her Gem. "Ow!"

The Crystal Gems all stared awkwardly. Pearl coughed. "Well, uh, this is certainly… um…"

"Maybe Peridot needs some rest," Garnet interrupted. "She's not well."

Peridot glared at Garnet, though the extreme headache she was now dealing with made it difficult to focus. "I'm fine."

Steven walked over to her. "You're not fine. At the very least, you've got a headache. Go lay down for a bit, please. We're worried about you."

Peridot looked around at the rest of her friends, and sighed. They WERE worried about her. "Fine. I'll be in my quarters."

"Your 'quarters'?" Pearl asked, raising an eyebrow. "You mean the bathroom." Peridot shot her a rather nasty glare, and Pearl once again found herself awkwardly backpedaling. "Uh, yes, your quarters. Go, get some rest."

Peridot walked to the bathroom, shutting the door behind her. Greg scratched the back of his head. "Wow. Uh, that was… something." He looked back down at Steven, who looked more than a little worried. "Hey, kiddo. Uh, I've still got some last-minute shopping to do. You wanna come with?"

Steven didn't really look like he wanted to go with, but nonetheless, he nodded. "Yeah. Sure."

"Stay safe," Garnet said as Greg and Steven walked out.

Peridot lay in her makeshift bed in the bathtub, clutching her head. "Ugh… I wish there was some kind of drug I could take to alleviate this pain," she muttered. "Something that… kills pain. Perhaps one I could purchase at a grocery store, without having to go through a doctor. Over a counter, perhaps?" She paused for a moment, and grabbed her tape recorder. "Idea. Invent over the counter drugs. Make millions." She chuckled, sure that her new invention would make her the richest Gem in the universe.

Which she guessed was technically already true, since she was one of the only Gems in the known universe with a basic concept of 'money' and what it was.

Peridot glanced over at the toilet seat. Still down. Good. He wasn't going to show up again. She sighed, but something she heard in the other room made her ears perk up.

"...acting very weird lately…" That was Pearl's voice. Peridot tilted her head quizzically, and snuck over to the door.

"It's alarming," Garnet said. "Something's not right."

"What do you mean?"

Peridot heard a brief pause. "I didn't want to say this in front of Steven, but…" Garnet trailed off. "Last spring, when Peridot stopped the government from launching that corrupting light…"

"What about it?" Amethyst asked.

"The President told us that Steve Bannon hit her with a localized version of the corruption."

"And?" Pearl asked. "That was a very long time ago."

"Peridot was able to hold off the effects long enough to heal, but…" Garnet paused again. "...for how long?"

Peridot's eyes widened.

"How long…?" Pearl said. "Surely you don't think–"

"Corruption never leaves a Gem," Garnet interrupted. "It's a deep, deep scar. Peridot's been under a lot of stress these last few months, and now that Lapis Lazuli is gone, there isn't much keeping her mind's defenses up."

"What are you saying?"

Another pause. "I think Peridot's hallucinations today were a symptom of very, very bad things to come. She's not herself anymore. That sudden headache wasn't a good sign either."

"What are you saying?" Pearl repeated.

"I'm saying we need to keep an eye on her," Garnet clarified. "And… and brace ourselves. Because we might lose another valued teammate before the new year."

Well, that was enough to sufficiently freak Peridot the fuck out.

"Golly, that doesn't sound very nice," the talking shit said, having once again appeared next to Peridot.

"God- get out of here!" Peridot yelled. She grabbed the turd, which laughed and slipped out of her hands.

"Let's get your friends into the Christmas spirit!" the turd yelled merrily as he jumped around the room.

"Cut that out!" Peridot followed the turd around the room, making a lot of noise in the progress. Luckily, she was as agile as he was, and after a short chase, she was able to capture it. "Haha! I am victorious!"

Pearl opened the door. "What's going on in–" she gasped in horror and placed her hands over her mouth. The other two Crystal Gems popped into the bathroom just in time to see Peridot, standing in the center of the room holding a piece of poo. The room was smeared with it, and Peridot had a crazed look in her eyes.

"I got it, you guys!" she yelled, giggling madly. "I captured the enemy!"

"Peridot, what on EARTH has gotten into you?!" Pearl shouted. "This room is a disaster!"

"It's okay! I caught the festive feces!" It was just a regular turd.

"There's something very wrong with you," Pearl said, trying to avert her eyes from the scene. "I don't know–I don't know what's going on here, but it needs to stop, Peridot. You need to get ahold of yourself!"

"I'm not crazy! This fecal clod TALKS!"

"Yes, Peridot!" Pearl yelled back. "You ARE crazy! Or you're acting like it."

"This is the part where you all turn on me, isn't it?" Peridot asked, a paranoid look on her face. "You think I'm going to turn, don't you?"

"Peridot, we don't think—"

"Liars! I heard you! You're going to bubble me and keep me in that room forever!" Peridot accused. "Well, you'll have to catch me first!" Using her ferrokinesis, Peridot pulled the towel rack from the wall and tossed it at Pearl. The Crystal Gems sidestepped it, as it was a rather pathetic toss. They realized too late, however, that her intent wasn't to hit them. She knew they'd dodge, because that meant they were out of her way.

"Peridot!" Garnet yelled as the shorter Gem pushed past them. "Stop!"

"What, so you guys can poof me?" Peridot asked. "Fat chance!" She ran out the front door, turd still in hand. "I'll be back when you three decide to trust me a little more!" Peridot slammed the door.

"Man," Amethyst said, "this Christmas kind of sucks."

The Whole Foods Market in Shi Tpa Town was busy, as always, with residents of South Park going in and out with last-minute Christmas dinner purchases. A Salvation Army volunteer loudly rang his bell for donations. Lapis Lazuli happened to be walking past the store, and paused when she heard the bell. Smiling, she reached into her shirt and pulled out a $20 bill she'd found on the street.

"Here you go," she said, holding the bill in front of the gentleman. "Merry Christmas." She tried to put the bill inside the kettle… but the volunteer pulled it away. "Uh." She tried again. And again. And again. The man kept pulling the kettle away, preventing Lapis from putting the money in. "Here, take my… I have a donation… I am GIVING this to you, why are you doing this?!"

Lapis took a break from trying to put the money in the kettle, and glared at the volunteer—who deliberately avoided eye contact and kept ringing his bell. Now sufficiently pissed off, Lapis shouted, and grabbed the kettle out of the man's hand. "Agh! Take my money!" she yelled, stuffing the bill into the kettle and tossing it onto the ground. "THERE! Happy holidays!" she shouted, angrily stomping away from the Whole Foods. The volunteer stared for a bit, shocked at her behavior, before returning to ringing his bell.

Lapis marched through South Park, stewing in her own angst. Dark storm clouds formed over the town as she pushed past various residents of South Park. Christmas sucks. Everyone was ignoring her, for seemingly no reason. Nobody even wanted to talk to her about it.

Again. Once again, she's being forced out of a town because nobody would fucking talk to her about their problems. She was tired of this. If only there was some way she could make everyone ELSE feel how she felt… then maybe they wouldn't treat her so poorly.

As she walked past the Broflovski house, she noticed their son, Kyle, sitting on his doorstep. He looked sad. But she wasn't even going to bother seeing what was wrong, since he was just going to ignore—

"You feel it too, huh?" Kyle asked Lapis as she passed him. She paused, not sure if he was talking to her. "You're feeling left out. Like nobody wants anything to do with you." Kyle stood up and walked over to Lapis. "I know what it's like. To be shunned from society. I tried to help people. To make sure nobody was in any undue pain, but… I took it too far. And got millions of Canadians killed. And now everyone hates my guts."

Lapis turned around. "Kyle, right? You aren't ignoring me."

Kyle shook his head. "Should I be?"

"No, no, it's just…" Lapis sighed, and sat down next to Kyle. "I just wanted to celebrate the holidays with the people of this town, because… because I can't go home. Not yet. Now it seems like I'm being driven out again."

"You know, a long time ago, some girls at school put out a fake list that said that I was the ugliest boy in school," Kyle continued. "When that happened, I felt so hurt and angry that I… I just wanted to get revenge. On everyone."

Lapis perked up. "So you're saying I should get revenge on the people of South Park for shunning me?"

Kyle raised an eyebrow. "No, wait, I'm not finished–"

"Thank you, Kyle!" Lapis said, hugging the boy. "I know what I have to do!" She flared her wings and flew off, leaving Kyle extremely panicked.

"Wait, no, that's not what I-!" She was gone. "Aw, shit!"

Lapis Lazuli immediately got to work. She knew exactly how she was going to get revenge on South Park.

She was going to declare war on Christmas.

Peridot trudged through the snow, her head still in pain. She looked back down at the stupid piece of shit in her hands. "Why do you keep leaving?"

"Howdy ho, Peridot. Sorry about that. Sometimes, I get plum tuckered out."

"Regardless!" Peridot was determined to get answers now. "You are now my prisoner. I am interrogating you, now, and believe me, I am a TERRIFYING interrogator. Certain people can vouch for me."

"Like Lapis Lazuli?"

Peridot stopped. "You better start answering some questions, buddy, because now you're starting to piss me off. Who are you? What are you? Why are you here? What do you want?"

"Now Peridot, I think we all know why you aren't feeling the Christmas spirit."

"Answer my questions."

The poo waved again. "I'm Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo," he introduced. "Howwwwdy ho! I came all the way to Beach City from the sewers of South Park, because I heard you were in a real pickle."

"I WASN'T until you showed up," Peridot argued. "Now my friends all think I've gone completely nuts." She narrowed her eyes a bit. "I'm talking to feces. I HAVE gone completely nuts."

"Doggone it Peridot, quit your bitchin'," Mr. Hankey shot back. "I'm here because it's where I was needed most. You miss your friend, don'tcha?"

"Yes. Of course I do. That wasn't a secret, and I doubt you can bring her back."

"Well, you're right. I can't. She's not coming back to Beach City."

"That's right she's not."

"Because she's in South Park."

Peridot was about to argue, but stopped herself. She actually didn't know how to respond to that. "...she is?"

"Yeah, she is, and she's causing the townspeople a real headache," Mr. Hankey lamented. "She's feeling just as lonely on Christmas as you are. But unlike you, she doesn't HAVE anyone else. You've got Garnet, and Amethyst, and Pearl, and Steven and Greg and Connie and Pumpkin. Lapis Lazuli doesn't have ANYONE, and the people of South Park are treating her real poorly."

"If she's back on Earth, why hasn't she come back to Beach City? The whole REASON she left was because she was scared that Homeworld was going to–"

"She's still scared of that," Mr. Hankey interrupted. "She's going to try to make one last ditch effort to get you to come to space with her. She's been staying in South Park while she tries to figure out how."

"Well, my mind is made up," Peridot stated indignantly. "I'm staying here. I'm sorry, but she isn't going to convince me."

"I know she isn't. But until you tell her that, she's going to keep causing trouble for everyone in South Park."

"What are you saying?"

"She's declaring war on Christmas," Mr. Hankey concluded. "If you don't stop her, she's going to ruin Christmas."

Peridot thought about it for a moment, and decided that the talking poo was right. She drove Lapis away. It was her responsibility to make sure nobody else suffered because of that. She had to give Lazuli closure.

"What's the fastest way to South Park?" Peridot questioned. "We need to get there before she can do any real damage."

Mr. Hankey smiled, and hopped out her hands. With a little bit of Christmas magic, he summoned his legendary vehicle, the Poo Choo Express, and put on a conductor's hat. "Come on, Peridot! We've got a holiday to save!"

Peridot just stared at the train. "Uh…" she apprehensively tapped the side. Yup. That was poo. "I think… let's… y-yeah, you know what, I'm good."

"This is the fastest way to South Park."

"Okay, but… you know, it's just… l-like, there's a warp pad nearby, I think I'll just use that instead."

"There's no time!" Mr. Hankey yelled. "We have to go now, get in the train!"

Peridot stared at the train a while longer, before sighing and walking towards it. "Well, at least I don't need to breathe," she muttered, holding her nose to try and ignore the stench.

Greg and Steven walked through Whole Foods, with a mostly empty shopping cart. "I thought you said you had a lot of last-minute shopping to do," Steven said.

"I just wanted to get out of that house," Greg admitted. "Things were getting pretty awkward around there. It's probably calmed down now, we should head back."

"I still can't believe Peridot was acting so weird. I mean… talking poo?"

Greg furrowed his brow. "Yeah, that sure was something. Something about it seemed familiar to me, though."

"It did?"

"Yeah, it was really weird!" Greg tried to think about it. "Something about talking poo… I don't know, it was like I had…" his speech slowed as something dawned on him. "...heard it before…" Greg stopped in his tracks.

"Dad? Are you okay?"

"Peridot's description of it was familiar. Too familiar. Back in the 80s, I met this guy on tour. His name was Jerome, but everyone just called him Chef. I think he's dead now. I don't know."

"Where is this going?"

"Chef, he kept taking about this Christmas deity…" Greg said. He snapped his fingers as he tried to remember. "Mr. Handy? No, that wasn't it. Mr. Melvin… Mister… mister… Hankey… Hankey! Mr. Hankey, the Christmas—" he gasped. "The Christmas Poo."

"What?"

"Steven, Peridot's not crazy!" Greg said. "She was right. There IS a Christmas Poo!"

"Really?!"

"Yeah, I–I actually MET him once, I think! How could I have forgotten that?!"

"Mr. Hankey?" a random passerby commented. "Oh, yeah, I was in Colorado once, they're all over him over there."

"Oh my gosh!" Steven exclaimed. He gripped his face, suddenly becoming extremely stressed out. "I can't believe we didn't believe her!"

"Yeah, kind of fucked up you'd just throw your friend under the bus like that, kid," the man said. "Well, bye. I'm off to go pick up some extra pillows to put under my ass while I sleep, on account of I keep waking up with a sore asshole every morning." He walked away.

Steven started moving towards the door. "Come on, dad. We have to go apologize to Peridot!" Suddenly, his phone rang. He picked it up immediately. "Hello?"

"Steven!" Pearl yelled. "Have you seen Peridot anywhere?!"

"She's not with you?"

"No, she took that piece of feces and left!"

"Oh noes!" Steven exclaimed. "What if she gets lost?!"

Greg put a hand on his son's shoulder. "She isn't going to get lost, Steven," he muttered. "If she left with Mr. Hankey, there's only one place they could be going. Come on. We need to hurry."

The entire town of South Park stood in front of City Hall, admiring a large Christmas tree that was erected on the lawn, as it was every year. Mayor McDaniels took to the stage.

"People of South Park, welcome to our twenty-first annual Christmas tree lighting," she announced. "Before we get started, I'd like to thank Secretary Dewey for flying all the way out here from Washington to help us with our little… problem." Secretary Dewey stood up and waved as he received modest applause from the crowd. He sat back down a moment later. "So, without further ado, I would like to invite South Park Elementary's own Timmy Burch to kick off the ceremony with his rendition of 'Silent Night'."

Timmy wheeled his way onto the stage as the mayor made her way off. He grinned at the crowd, which was already applauding him. "Timmy!" he greeted, waving at everyone. He then looked over at the gentleman at the piano, who gave him a thumbs up and began playing. "Tim-Tim Tim Timmy Ti-may, Timmy livealie Timmy–"

Suddenly, the ground began to shake. Timmy stopped singing and glanced around in concern, as did several citizens of South Park.

"Good lord!" Priest Maxi shouted from the crowd. "It's an earthquake! The lord is punishing us for our rampant commercialization of the birth of Christ!"

Just in front of the Christmas tree, a large block of snow suddenly rose up. The figure atop held up a hand, and it soon became apparent she was the one controlling it all. Once the block was at a sufficient height, she raised each arm and summoned two large, snowy construct arms. Once everything settled down, the crowd was able to get a good look at the person atop the block.

I'm not going to beat around the bush, here. Lapis Lazuli was dressed like Elsa from Frozen. She's one of those villains, who feels the need to dress for the occasion. "People of South Park!" she yelled, her voice carrying across town. "Christmas is canceled! Go home! ...that is all."

Priest Maxi sighed in relief. "Oh, thank god, it's just a super villain."

Jimbo Kern glared up at Lapis. "Like hell it is!" he shouted, raising a rifle. "She's comin' right for us, Ned! Take the shot!"

Ned raised his rifle as well. "Mm, taking the shot," he said through his artificial voice box. Both he and Jimbo fired multiple rounds at Lapis… to no avail, as she quickly manipulated and compacted the snow around the area to form a large sheet of ice thick enough to deflect bullets.

"All I wanted was to spend the holidays with someone I cared about!" Lapis yelled. "Then she refused to leave Earth with me, so I decided to spend time with you all, instead! That's all I wanted! I just wanted to celebrate Christmas with you! But no, you had to go and—" she stopped, realizing that everybody was ignoring her again.

"Hey, uh, do you guys hear something?" Randy Marsh asked, purposefully not making eye contact with Lapis.

"Nope. Just the wind!" Stephen Stotch replied, also not making eye contact with her.

Secretary Dewey just stared out at the crowd, mouth agape. "What are you all doing?" he asked. "There's—she's LITERALLY destroying Christmas, right in front of you all."

"You told them to ignore her," Mayor McDaniels reminded.

"Yeah, but I didn't expect them to take it THIS far."

"You said you were the Mayor of Beach City, you should have fully expected this kind of stupidity."

Dewey glared at the Mayor. "No, the people of Beach City aren't THIS dumb. Okay. Seriously everybody, you need to stop ignoring her, now."

"Ignoring who, m'kay?" Mr. Mackey asked innocently.

Dewey looked totally baffled. "HER! Lapis Lazuli! The one who's destroying Christmas!"

"I don't see anyone," Randy commented. "All I see is a beautiful Christmas tree."

"WHAT?!" Dewey shouted. "Up there! She's literally right there! She is the most visible thing for miles!"

The crowd was silent. One townsperson raised his hand. "I see her—" his statement was cut short by a gunshot. Somebody in the crowd had murdered him, just to keep up the idiotic charade that Lapis Lazuli did not exist. A very frustrated Secretary Dewey turned around and grumbled to himself.

"Oh my god, everybody in this town is a moron, how are any of them still alive?"

"Lazuli!" a nasally voice yelled from within the crowd.

Lapis perked up. "That sounds like…"

Peridot pushed past the crowd and made her way to the front, with Mr. Hankey following close behind her. "What the hell are you doing?!"

Lapis didn't answer. She didn't actually believe she'd see Peridot again so soon. She was so glad to see her, but… Peridot didn't seem as happy. She seemed annoyed.

"Fine, don't answer me! I can SEE what you're doing. You're trying to ruin Christmas!" Peridot yelled.

"Lapis!" another nasally voice yelled from within the crowd. Kyle ran to the front as well, standing next to Peridot. "Don't do this, Lapis! This isn't you!"

"But I-"

"I don't know what the hell happened that made you act like this, but whatever it is, you need to forget about it!" Kyle yelled. "Getting revenge on the people who hurt you… it might seem nice at first, but at the end of the day, it won't solve any of your problems. It'll just create new ones. Believe me, I know.

"Sometimes in life, you get dealt a shitty hand. It sucks. I know. But sometimes the only way to deal with it is to just… take it. Sometimes there AREN'T any solutions. Sometimes you just need to… let it go. Like that princess from that fruity Disney movie."

Peridot glared up at Lapis. "Instead of getting revenge and picking fights with innocent humans, get revenge on me. Pick a fight with ME. I'M the one who did this to you. I'M the one who pushed you away, who caused you to leave. So if anyone deserves it, it's ME."

Lapis just stared sadly at Peridot. Sighing, she lowered her platform and walked over to the green Gem. "Do you hate me?" she asked.

"What?"

"You heard me. Do you hate me?"

"No, of course I don't hate you."

"Then why are you acting like this?"

"Lapis, I'm putting my foot down!" Peridot exclaimed. "Literally. Look. My foot is down."

"Putting your foot down…?"

"You're still on Earth because you're still holding out hope that I'll abandon it to go live in space with you until the Second Gem War blows over, aren't you?"

Kyle raised his eyebrows in alarm. "War?! Jesus Christ, dude!"

"If that's what you're waiting for…" Peridot started. She hesitated, and tried to fight back tears. "Then go back to space. Because I'm not leaving Earth. But if you want to come back to Beach City, and spend the rest of your days with me, and Pumpkin, and Steven and the others… I'll happily let things go back to the way they were."

"Are you asking me to come back?" Lapis asked.

"I'm telling you what your options are. I would love nothing more than for you to come back, but… if you don't want to, that's your decision. I won't make you. My mind's made up. It all comes down to what YOU want." Peridot firmly stood her ground. "It's YOUR decision to make. Not mine. I'm sorry, but that's just the way it is. I can't chase you around forever. It's not healthy. For either of us."

Lapis looked, more than anything, shocked that this was all coming out of Peridot's mouth. After the initial shock wore off, however, she just looked sad. After several minutes of total silence, she simply turned around and, without a word, flew off. Once she was truly gone, Peridot let her tears flow and got down on her knees.

"So that's it, then," she said, sadly. "It's over. For good, this time."

Kyle patted Peridot on the back. "Hey, come on. It's not all bad. What you just did took some real balls. You should be proud."

"Why do I feel like such a failure, then?"

Kyle looked up at the sky. "Sometimes the things you have to do make you feel like shit."

Steven and the Crystal Gems pushed through the crowd. "Peridot!" Steven yelled, relieved to see his friend. "There you are! We thought you'd left forever!"

"I'm never going to do that, Steven," Peridot said, looking back up at the sky. "Ever."

Steven frowned. "Uh. Did I miss something?"

"No. No you didn't." Peridot didn't have the heart to tell the others that Lapis was just here. "So, are you all here to poof and bubble me?"

"No!" Steven said, shocked. "Why would we do that?!"

"Because I'm hallucinating talking feces, and that's a symptom of corruption."

Steven laughed nervously and looked down at Mr. Hankey. "Haha… yeah… about that…"

"Howdy ho, Steven!"

"Howdy ho, Mr. Hankey."

Peridot's eyes widened. She looked at Steven. Then Mr. Hankey. Then Steven again. "You can see him?"

"Yeah, dude!" Kyle said. "Mr. Hankey comes to South Park every year!"

Pearl looked down at Mr. Hankey and recoiled in disgust. Nonetheless, she had to admit that she, too, could see Mr. Hankey. "Yes. Ahem. Uh, Peridot, it appears we owe you an apology."

"I'm not crazy? I mean… you're darn right you owe me an apology!" Peridot said, returning to her normal self. "I mean, really! Why on EARTH would I make something like this up?!"

"Now, come on, everyone!" Mr. Hankey chastised. "It's Christmas! We should all be happy, and treat each other like family!"

Peridot thought about what he said, then smiled. "Yeah. You know what? You guys are my family. I'm sorry I was such a bummer on Christmas."

"That's fine," Steven said, waving it off. "We're all together now, thanks to Mr. Hankey."

Mr. Hankey smiled. "Aw, shucks, I was just trying to make sure you all had a swell holiday!"

Kyle smiled as well, and began to sing. "Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo, he loves me, I love you."

Peridot smiled and joined in. "Therefore vicariously he loves you, even if you're feeling blue!"

The entire crowd joined in—even the Crystal Gems, who probably believed talking poo was beneath them. "Sometimes he's nutty, sometimes he's corny, he can be brown or greenish brown.

"But if you eat fiber on Christmas Eve he might come to your town!"

Mr. Hankey took the center stage as the Christmas tree began to light up. Secretary Dewey just stared in disbelief.

"I'm Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo, season's greetings to all of you!

"Let's sing songs and dance and play, now before I melt away!

Peridot performed her own solo. "Christ-mas cheer has saved the day, I was sad, and that's okay!

"Now it's time to move along, Christmas time has come!"

The crowd was really into it now. All of the lights were lit up. South Park was really feeling the Christmas spirit. "Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo, Christmas leaves, he must leave too.

"Flush him down but he's never gone…

"His smell and his spirit lingers on!" The group held the last note as Mr. Hankey made his way into the sewers, waving one last goodbye.

"Howdy ho!"

Stan Marsh looked at Kyle, having approached him during the song. "Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here," he said.

And so it was.

Jesus Christ sat alone at his table, a birthday cake in front of him with four big candles spelling out "2017". "Happy birthday to me," he sang sadly. "Happy birthday to me..." He blew out his candles, leaving him in total darkness.