A/N: Just a random bit of trivia: Dorito Elect, my last story, only had one use of the word "fuck" in the entire story, which occurred in the final chapter.

Conversely, this chapter alone uses it 23 times.

Pearl jabbed her spear into a monster, which poofed immediately. She bubbled it and sent it off to the temple. "I can't believe we're still cleaning up Peridot's mess," Pearl muttered. Amethyst stumbled by, struggling with her own monster.

"Yeah!" she shouted. Using her whip, she slammed the monster into the ground, poofing it. "We've been doing this for MONTHS, are we almost done?!"

"Almost," Garnet replied. She was holding two monsters, and destroyed each of them with ease. "These are the last of them."

A very primitive-looking gem monster scurried past Amethyst. It was tiny, insignificant, and had a flappy head and beady eyes, but carried no gemstone of its own—meaning it was part of a hive gem. "There's another one," Amethyst pointed out. "It doesn't have a gem. Does that mean Momma Monster is out there somewhere?"

"Let's follow it, and see where it goes," Garnet nodded. "Canada's a big place. We can't afford to lose it."

Pearl sighed as her companions moved to follow the small monster. They'd been in Canada hunting down monsters for three days. As they found out, several of the monsters that were set loose—a product of when Peridot accidentally let the Member Berries get into the temple several months ago—had taken refuge in the strange and magical land of Canada. Some of them even started to adapt their environment. They had become hardier, craftier, gassier, and they needed to be brought back to the temple ASAP.

The particular monster they were following was fast, but otherwise seemed harmless. Garnet hoped it would lead them to its leader, so they could finally bring it home. The Crystal Gems followed the monster down Canada's only road, a very long road which took travelers from one end of Canada to the other. Amethyst looked around while they followed.

"Man. Canada kind of sucks," she muttered. "Everything looks so crappy and rushed."

"Amethyst, don't be rude," Pearl scolded. "Canada has a very long and interesting history. It all started when fur traders from the Netherlands–" she bumped into Garnet. "Why are we stopping?"

Garnet stared very seriously at the sight up ahead. "End of the road," she said. Pearl and Amethyst looked around her. Pearl gasped.

A ruined city stood in front of them.

"This must be Toronto…" Pearl said, horrified.

"What's left of it, anyway," Amethyst corrected. "Man. The President's kind of a cu-"

"Welcome, buddy!" an ash-covered Canadian man wearing a trash can for armor said, jumping out from behind a rock and scaring the shit out of Pearl.

"AH, jeez!" Pearl shouted, clutching her chest.

"Welcome to New Toronto!" the man repeated, marching out to greet the visitors. "I'm Dave, the Prime Minister of New Toronto!" The Crystal Gems stared at the large 'D' spray-painted on the man's chest. Amethyst snorted.

"Amethyst," Pearl chided. "Uh, pleased to meet you, Dave! You have a very lovely… settlement."

"Really? I think it's kind of shitty!" Prime Minister Dave disagreed. "You guys wouldn't happen to be a gang of pillaging, killing, raping raiders would you?"

"Heavens, no!"

"Hey everyone!" Prime Minister Dave shouted into the ruined city. "You guys can come out! They aren't going to rape us!"

The Crystal Gems stared in awe as dozens of Canadians stepped out of the ruins. Some wore primitive armor. Some wore leather. Some wore tattered remains of their original clothing. All of them had letters on their torsos.

"I-is it true?" one woman asked.

"They aren't going to rape us?" another man remarked. "It's a miracle!"

The crowd of Canadians surrounded the Crystal Gems. Pearl glanced around, unsure of what to say. "Uh… greetings, Canadians! We're, uh… we're the Crystal Gems! We're here in search of a monster that is hiding in your city!"

"A monster?" Prime Minister Dave asked. "That's no good. No doubt all of the radiation pissed it off. Why don't I show you around town, then I can help you find the monster?"

The Crystal Gems all looked at each other, and collectively shrugged. "Lead the way," Garnet said, gesturing for Prime Minister Dave to show them around. "Quite the city you've got here."

"Yes, well, after the bombs fell, and millions were killed—most of them women, children, and puppies—a lot of Old Toronto's surviving citizens decided to move elsewhere in Canada." Prime Minister Dave glared. "Those guys are dicks with no loyalty to their city! Those of us that remained founded New Toronto, an independent commune! That's Sally, the Prime Minister. She runs the general supply store!" Pearl raised an eyebrow. "That's Brett, the Prime Minister! He's the founder of Ammu-Canada, the weapons shop! That's Tim, the Prime Minister! He's the farmer!"

Pearl raised her hand. "Question."

"Proceed."

"Why are there four Prime Ministers?"

"Everyone's Prime Minister around here, buddy!" Prime Minister Dave exclaimed. "When we decided to rebuild society, we needed to find a Prime Minister! But everybody wanted to be Prime Minister, and nobody could decide who the Prime Minister should be. So the Council of Presidents decided for us, and made everybody Prime Minister!" Prime Minister Dave continued on, but that explanation only left Pearl with more questions.

"What's the Council of–"

"Let's not go down this rabbit hole," Amethyst cut her off.

"That's Mark, the Prime Minister! This is Other Dave, the Prime Minister. That's Hank, the Prime Minister." Eventually, the group came to a young Canadian woman with brunette hair and her two children. "And this is my lovely wife, Jan. The Prime Minister. Before the bombs fell, she was my sister."

Amethyst recoiled. "Eugh!"

"In Old Toronto, this would have been taboo. But this new society is far less judgemental," Dave explained. "From beneath the ashes, our love flourished, and we now have two beautiful daughters."

Amethyst stared at the two children. "Hey, wait. Toronto was nuked last month."

"Yes."

"Doesn't it take more than a month to make two kids?"

Dave stared at Amethyst blankly. "Anyway, over here is where the Council of Presidents meets. Prime Ministers aren't allowed inside. Those are the rules." He stared at the building. "Would you like to enter?"

Pearl blinked. "But you just said-"

"You three aren't Prime Ministers, so technically you can go wherever the fuck you want."

Garnet shrugged and tried the knob. "It's locked."

"Hmm. That isn't right," Dave said. "Nobody ever said it was locked."

"And yet you haven't been inside?" Pearl asked incredulously.

"Well, no. Prime Ministers aren't allowed inside. Those are the rules, remember?" The Crystal Gems exchanged confused looks, before hearing another Canadian yell at them.

"AY! Who the fuck are they!" he yelled. Everyone turned around to see where it was coming from. A taller-than-average Canadian human stomped towards the Crystal Gems. Spiked, brown hair sat atop his strangely phallic head, and he wore a red tie over a brown shirt. Below the tie, an 'S' was embroidered on his torso.

"Who is that?" Pearl asked Dave.

"That's Scott," Dave replied. "He's a dick. He was just a normal dick, but when the bombs fell, all of the radioactive fallout mutated him, and he became a giant dick."

Scott the Dick marched over to Dave. "You're the dick! You know how the Council of Presidents feels about outsiders!"

"Hey, relax, guy!" Dave responded. "My new friends here are looking for a monster."

"Well look somewhere else, buddy!" Scott said, turning to the Crystal Gems. "There aren't any monsters here, in New Toronto!"

Dave glared at Scott. "You know Scott, you need to stop being such a dick. Just because the Council of Presidents made you the ambassador doesn't mean you're above everyone else!"

"Yes it does. Ambassadors are above Prime Ministers on the New Toronto hierarchy," Scott pointed out.

The discussion confused Pearl. "This structure doesn't make any sense…" she muttered.

"Well, whatever!" Dave argued. "It still doesn't give you the right to be such a cock waffle!"

"Ay! Fuck you, buddy!" Scott yelled. "You're the cock waffle!"

"I'm not your buddy, guy!"

"I'm not your guy, friend!"

"I'm not your friend, buddy!"

"What's going on?" Pearl asked, still confused. "Am I having a stroke? Is that what's going on?"

Scott the Dick looked really pissed off. "You guys are assholes! If these invaders aren't gone in one hour, I'm telling the Council of Presidents!" He marched off angrily, glaring at several of New Toronto's residents as he made his exit. Prime Minister Dave glared back at him.

"That guy is such a penis!" he yelled. "I'm so sorry you had to see that, buddy. You see, when he was a boy, Scott's mother didn't love him enough, but she didn't quite hate him enough to drown him in a river, as is customary of all Canadians who are destined to grow up to be total fuck-ups."

"You said he was the ambassador?" Pearl asked. "What does that mean?"

"He's the middle man, between the Prime Ministers and the Council of Presidents," Dave explained. "He's the only one who's met with the Council."

This baffled Pearl even more. "Wait, wait, none of you have EVER met one of the Presidents?"

"No."

"Only Scott has seen them."

"Yes."

Pearl glared at Dave. "And this doesn't make you a LITTLE suspicious?"

"It is rather strange that only Scott would be allowed to meet them," Garnet mused.

"Yes, well, be that as it may, it's against the rules to speak out against the Presidents," Dave said.

"And who ENFORCES those rules?" Pearl asked.

"Well, Scott does. He's a dick."

"And HOW does he enforce those rules?"

Dave simply stared back at Pearl. "What- what do you mean?"

Pearl was getting really frustrated. These people were literally oppressing THEMSELVES. "I mean, what gives Scott the power to punish you if you break those rules?"

"If we break a rule, he tells the Council of Presidents on us and it goes on our permanent record. That's our punishment."

"HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO'S SEEN THEM!" Pearl shouted. "Am I the only one who sees a problem with this?!"

"Whoa, calm down, P," Amethyst chuckled, holding her hands up. "No need to get all-"

"I CAN'T calm down!" Pearl turned around and glared at the building which supposedly housed the Council of Presidents. "This city doesn't make any sense! Why is everyone the Prime Minister? Why is there a secret Council of Presidents which may or may not exist? Why does everyone in this city listen to a human named 'Scott the Dick'? WHY DOES DAVE HAVE TWO CHILDREN WITH HIS SISTER?!"

Jan crossed her arms. "You sound very judgmental to me, buddy," she said indignantly.

"NO, YOU!" Pearl shouted. Garnet put a hand on her shoulder.

"We have a mission here, Pearl," she said. "We can't afford to get distracted."

"But-!" Pearl was cut off by Garnet again.

"I agree, everything about this is absurd," Garnet assured Pearl that she was not crazy. "But finding that monster is our top priority."

Amethyst nodded. "Yeah. Canadians are kind of weird anyway, it's not like this is anything new."

Dave glared at Amethyst. "Hey! I resent that! I find that racist."

"So, Garnet's right," Amethyst continued. "Until we find that monster-"

"You are a racist, madam!"

The Crystal Gems stared at Prime Minister Dave for a moment before resuming their conversation. "Until we find that monster, nothing else matters," Amethyst finished her thought. "Just let them do their Canada thing."

Pearl let out a frustrated sigh. "Fine. Let's just focus on finding that monster."

Garnet turned to Dave. "Are there any… abandoned ruins or buildings in Toronto that it might be hiding in?"

Dave placed a hand to his chin and hummed. "Hmm. Well, there is the old Big Donut corporate headquarters. Nobody's been in there since the bombs fell!"

Amethyst narrowed her eyes. "Whoa, the Big Donut's Canadian?"

"Sure it is!" Dave confirmed. As he and the Crystal Gems walked, he explained Big Donut's corporate structure. "You see, Big Donut was founded in 1964 by Miles 'Big' Donut, a hockey player from Ontario. He played for the Toronto Maple Leafs until he was mauled by a dire bear in 1974." Dave stopped and turned to Amethyst. "You know what a dire bear is, right? It's like a bear, only dire."

"He died fighting a bear? That's so cool," Amethyst said.

"Well, no. You see, when Miles got to the hospital, he was given a blood transfusion from a man with Dire AIDS."

"And that was what did him in?" Pearl asked.

"I'm not finished. Fortunately, founding Big Donut left Miles with enough cash to cure him of his Dire AIDS." Dave sighed sadly. "Then, when he left the hospital, he was hit by a drunk driver."

Pearl shook her head. "Drunk driving is a terrible thing."

"Can I finish? Hello? Can I finish?" Dave glared at Pearl for a moment before returning to his story. "Anyway, after getting out of the hospital a second time, US President Gerald Ford ordered a hit on Miles, because Big Donut was moving into the US and threatening to put Dunkin Donuts out of business with their superior Canadian service."

"Somehow, I believe that the President of the United States would be behind that," Pearl grumbled.

"CAN I FINISH? PLEASE, CAN I FINISH?" The trio stared at Dave, shocked by his outburst. His angered glare, however, was soon replaced with a much more neutral expression. "Alright. I'm finished. The outrage the assassination sparked actually helped drive Big Donut into America, and now they have locations worldwide. Anyway, here we are."

The group had come to a stop in front of a medium-sized corporate office building. Or, what was left of it, anyway. The building was severely dilapidated. Windows were shattered, walls were crumbling, the building's internal support structure had revealed… Despite this, the Big Donut's trademark "BD" bitten donut logo, though clearly worn down, was still firmly attached at the top of the building.

"The building must have been on the outer edges of the blast…" Garnet observed. "It's certainly one of the most intact buildings around."

"Yup! Ground Zero was that crater you saw on you way in!" Dave explained. "Would you like to know what was there before?"

Pearl cringed. "I'm not sure I-"

"A children's hospital," Prime Minister Dave said, ignoring Pearl. "Lots of sick kids in there. I mean, there were. Not anymore. They were all vaporized immediately by the nuclear detonation." The Canadian man fell silent for a moment, before directing his blank stare back at Garnet. "Nice government you've got down there."

Pearl shook her head. "Oh, uh, w-we're not really affiliated with any nation," she corrected. "We sort of do our own thing."

"Oh, I see," Dave nodded. "I didn't realize you were British. My apologies."

"Well, no, we're-" Pearl began to speak, but Garnet cut her off.

"If you recap our entire backstory, at least leave out the filler," the fusion quipped.

"The filler is important!" Pearl argued. "There's nothing wrong with filler."

"In moderation. But forty weeks of filler out of fifty-two is inexcusable."

Pearl sighed. "Let's just agree to disagree and get on with our mission."

"HEY!" Scott the Dick shouted, having returned. "Are you showing them the fucking Big Donut headquarters?!"

"Don't be such an ass-munching splooge guzzler, Scott, they're looking for a monster." Dave responded.

"YOU'RE THE ASS-MUNCHING SPLOOGE GUZZLER!" Scott countered. "What if these are American spies, here to take our trade secrets?"

"Lick my balls, Scott, they're British."

Scott closed his eyes, enraged by what he was hearing. He stomped back towards towards downtown. "The Council of Presidents will hear about this!"

The Crystal Gems and Dave waited for Scott to leave. Once he was gone, Dave turned to the Gems. "He's really pissed off now. You guys are in a lot of shit."

"What did WE do?" Amethyst asked.

"He's going to tell the Council of Presidents on you," Dave explained. "That's the punishment."

Pearl rolled her eyes and started walking towards the door. "Yes, well, I think we can handle being told on to the 'Council of Presidents'," she said, utilizing air quotes. "We've dealt with malicious, vague shadow councils before." She opened the door. "After you." Dave nodded and entered the building. Garnet and Amethyst followed, and Pearl entered last.

The building looked just as bad on the inside as it did on the outside. Computers were knocked over, doors were partially collapsed, walls were caved in, foliage had grown into the building… it looked like this building had been abandoned for two centuries, not a month.

Pearl looked around. "Hmm. Lots of overgrowth." She turned to Garnet. "You don't think-"

"We can't rule out the possibility that we're dealing with a corrupted Granite soldier," Garnet replied. "That would explain the overgrowth, it's ability to split itself into several monsters, and the fact that it took refuge in Canada."

"What's that last one got to do with anything?" Amethyst asked, tilting her head.

Pearl hesitated. "There was- back when Gems occupied Earth, there was a faction that embraced the land that would eventually become Canada as its home," she explained. "So much so, in fact, that Homeworld tried to get a Canadian Kindergarten going. Obviously, before they could finish preparing it, the war… uh, ended."

"That's why warp pads exist in Canada at a two-to-one ratio," Garnet continued Pearl's thought. "A great deal of Gem history happened in Canada. Granite was one of the Gems types that seemed to be so fond of Canada. For whatever reason."

"Huh."

Dave stared blankly at the Crystal Gems. "You three are fuckin' weird," he stated plainly. "Anyway, it appears the elevator is broken, so we'll have to make our way up the shaft."

Amethyst snorted, but held in her laugh when Pearl shot her an annoyed glare. Pearl looked back at Dave. "Can't we just use the stairs?" she asked.

"No, no, stairs are against the rules," Dave stated matter-of-factly.

"Says who?"

"The Council of Presidents, don't you pay attention?"

Pearl rolled her eyes. "Right, right, the Council of Presidents. You know, these laws—and you'll have to excuse my abrasive language here—these laws are all very dumb."

"They aren't laws. They're rules."

"What's the difference?"

"Americans have LAWS. Canadians have RULES."

By this point, Pearl has resigned herself to the ridiculousness and refused to push the subject any further. She couldn't wait to get out of Canada. "Alright. Fine. Let's scale the elevator shaft."

Dave and the Crystal Gems climbed through an access hatch into the elevator shaft.

"Okay buddy, so here's what we're going to do." Dave gestured up the corridor. "Scaling this shaft is going to be very long, and very hard." Amethyst started to snicker. "Fortunately, the way up to the shaft's head is rather straightforward, and these cables are rather stiff." Amethyst snickered even harder. "In addition, the walls are covered in ladders, used for emergency access, so if all else fails, remember; grip the shaft."

Amethyst, having found herself unable to contain her amusement any longer, burst out into very loud laughter. She continued to laugh while they climbed the long shaft and made their way up to the head. "Guys… guys… ahaha… even the narrator's in on the joke!"

"Who?" Pearl asked, shooting a look down at Amethyst.

"Oh, haha, just don't even worry about it… grip the shaft…" Amethyst muttered, still laughing.

Finally, the group made it to the top floor, where the overgrowth was somehow worse than it was on the ground floor. Dave stepped around all of the vines and other foliage, looking around curiously. "Well now," he said. "That's not something you see every day, buddy."

"It means we're getting closer to the monster," Garnet confirmed. "Keep an eye out."

"I know what it means," Amethyst grumbled. "I- I didn't forget."

"You know, friend, I've heard rumors that–" Dave couldn't finish his story, as something jumped out at him and tackled him. "HEY! HEY! I wasn't fucking finished, buddy! Get this fucking thing off of me!"

Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl yelled in surprise. Amethyst retrieved her whip and snapped it at the attacker. She pulled it off of Dave and towards the Crystal Gems. It was disgusting. It was horrifying. It was…

Almost human looking.

"Hey! What's the big idea, buddy?!" the man shouted. Was it a man? They couldn't tell. His hair was falling out, his beady eyes looked slightly melted, and his skin was rotting off. He looked more like a zombie than a man.

"It's another Canadian!" Pearl observed. "My stars, what HAPPENED to you?"

"Your backwards President, that's what happened to me!" the man answered. "I used to be the Vice President of Franchise Management at Big Donut. When the bombs fell, I was right here, in my office. The blast burned me and left me blind in one eye. The burns could have healed by now, but guess what? Then the radioactive fallout came! My flesh started decomposing, my hair started falling out, and I almost went blind in the other eye too." He paused. "Have you guys ever played Fallout? I'm like one of the ghouls from that game."

Pearl nodded. "So you must have attacked us because you're angered that you've become a hideous monster."

"No, I attacked you because the radiation decomposed my brain to the point that I'm totally fucking wild and feral, and I have no idea what's going on around me."

The Crystal Gems weren't sure if that was a joke or not. Pearl glanced between her friends uncomfortably. "Are… are you serious?"

"I assure you, I am being completely serious," the VP responded. "Being feral sucks ass. Rawr."

By this point, Garnet had finished searching the room. "No corrupted Gems in here," she concluded. "It must be somewhere else."

"Where else COULD it be?" asked Amethyst.

"I know where it could be," Pearl responded, glaring between everyone. "The one place we aren't ALLOWED to look." She walked back towards the elevator.

"Where are you going?" Dave asked.

"I'm going to pay the 'Council of Presidents' a little visit."

"Wait!" the VP stopped her. "Take me with you. Perhaps this 'Council of Presidents' knows the cure to feralism."

"But buddy!" Dave said. "It's against the rules."

"I'm feral. I don't follow the rules because I don't know any better."

"Well, I can't let you guys break the rules!" Dave argued, stepping in front of the group. "Not alone. We all have to stick together. You're all my buddies, friends, and guys."

"We barely know y-"

"Shh," Amethyst shushed Pearl.

Scott the Dick stood in front of the Office of the Council of Presidents. This was about the time that he usually just stood here, watching for intruders, because he was a dick who didn't like fun. He glared forwards as the Crystal Gems, followed by Prime Minister Dave and the Vice President of Franchise Management at Big Donut, approached the building.

"Just so you know, I told the Council of Presidents on you assholes," Scott said.

"You're a dick, Scott!" Dave shouted. "Move out of our way, we're here to see the Council!"

"Hey! Fuck you, buddy, you're the dick!" Scott yelled back. "Seeing the Council is strictly against the rules for all Prime Ministers!" The VP shoved Scott to the side. "Hey, what are you doing?!"

"Don't blame me, I'm feral!" the VP shouted.

"The Council will hear about this!"

"They sure will," Garnet said, smiling slightly. With Scott out of the way, she was able to punch the doors down, allowing everyone to get inside.

"Don't you go in there!"

"Eat a grilled dick sandwich, Scott, you're a cum dumpster!" Dave said as the group walked past Scott.

"You're the cum dumpster! You're breaking all of the rules right now! I'm telling!" Scott followed the group into the building.

"I can't wait to give those Presidents a piece of my mind…" Pearl grumbled.

"Remember the mission, Pearl!" Garnet said. "We have to find that monster first."

"Uh, guys?" Amethyst pointed to the walls, where gemless creatures of various sizes were scurrying along.

"We must be getting close!" Garnet said as the group ran further down the hallway. Finally, they came across another door, and ran through it. The group skidded to a halt once they were in the next room. Just as Garnet had suspected, Granite was right in front of them.

This was no corruption, however. This was the real deal, one which the Crystal Gems had dealt with before. Her beady eyes and her flappy head were just as they remembered.

"G-Granite?!" Pearl stepped back in shock. "You're alive?"

"Sure I am, buddy!"

Dave raised his eyebrows. "You know one of the Presidents?"

"One of us? She knows ALL of us!" Granite said. "Come on out, friends!" From the shadows stepped two more Gems, both of them Canadian in appearance.

"Citrine? Canadian Pearl?!" Pearl was taken completely by surprise. She had thought them shattered, or worse, centuries ago during the war. "How?!"

"Canadian Rose Quartz saved us from the Corrupting Light with her Maple Shield!" Granite said cheerfully. "If it wasn't for her, we'd be goners right aboot now!"

"And where is SHE?"

Suddenly, the three Canadian Gems looked more somber. Canadian Pearl started to cry in a very Canadian way (that being that she let out flatulence in between sobs).

"She… she didn't make it," Granite said, voice full of sorrow. "You see, in 1981, she met a handsome young Canadian man."

"THAT BASTARD!" Canadian Pearl sobbed.

"This human knocked her up, and nine months later she gave up her physical form to bring the bastard child into this world."

Pearl gave them a sad look. "I'm sorry. I know what that's like."

"That's not even the worst part!" Citrine said. "The human she became was Seth Rogen."

Pearl looked a little less sad. "Excuse me?"

Suddenly, Seth Rogen stepped out into the light. His beady eyes and flappy head would have been a joyful expression to most Canadians. To the Crystal Gems, however, he just looked Canadian. He wore glasses with rectangular frames and a t-shirt with a simplistic marijuana leaf on it. A beard covered his square chin. "Nice to meet you, buddy!"

"Seth, go back to your corner," Granite commanded.

"Sure thing, guy." Seth Rogen went back to his corner.

"Can somebody please explain to me what the fuck is going on here?!" Dave yelled. "Why do you know the Council of Presidents?!"

"Because they were Crystal Gems, a long time ago," Pearl said, now glaring at Granite. "They were so good at rebelling, however, that they rebelled against US during the war."

"Rose Quartz was an asshole!" Granite shouted. "We refused to work with her and her asshole war criminal ways!"

"Rose did what had to be done!" Pearl yelled back. "What about you, huh? All your Rose ever did was fart on people!"

"Yeah! It was fuckin' funny, watch!" Granite looked into the shadows. "Seth! Seth, get over hyah!" Seth Rogen stepped back out into the light. The Canadian Crystal Gems took turns farting in his face, much to his dismay. "Okay, go back into your corner." Seth Rogen sadly walked back into the shadows.

"Granite!" Garnet yelled. "Why have you enslaved these Canadians?!"

"Enslaved?" Granite looked confused. "What the fuck are you talking about? The Prime Ministers are allowed to do whatever they want, guy."

"So long as they don't break the rules," Garnet corrected. "If they break the rules, Scott the Dick tells on them."

"That's their punishment," Granite said flatly. "That's literally their ONLY punishment. We don't do anything to them and there's nothing stopping them from breaking the rules."

"They live in FEAR!" Pearl accused.

"Well, that's their fault. Their imaginations run wild." Granite, Citrine, and Canadian Pearl jumped down onto the same level as the Crystal Gems and approached them. "I don't like you telling me how to rule my kingdom, buddy."

"I'm not your buddy, guy," Pearl growled.

"WELL I'M NOT YOUR GUY, FRIEND!" Granite shouted in her face.

Amethyst had a huge grin on her face during this entire argument. "No way…" she muttered, trying her hardest not to burst out into laughter. "There's no way this is happening…"

"Granite," Pearl warned, "let the people of New Toronto go. Now."

"Make me."

"I will."

"Oh yeah? How? What are you gonna do, shatter me?"

"You know I would never-"

"Your scissor sister seemed okay with it," Granite snarled. "Rose Quartz LOVED to shatter other Gems."

"You take that back! She did not LOVE it!" Pearl yelled.

"She didn't love you either." This was the straw that broke the camel's back. With a yell, Pearl tackled Granite.

"Hey!" Scott the Dick yelled. "You can't tackle the fucking President! That's against the fucking rules! Who the fuck does that?!"

A full-on brawl broke out between the Crystal Gems and their Canadian counterparts. Pearl took on Granite, Amethyst tussled with Canadian Pearl, and Garnet fought Citrine. Dave punched Scott in the face, and the VP tackled Seth Rogen.

"You Crystal Gems are all the same!" Granite yelled in between blows. "Always resorting to violence!" She raised a stone-covered arm to counter Pearl's spear, then punched her square in the jaw.

"You can't defeat me!" Scott yelled. "We're evenly match-" Dave clocked Scott, causing him to fall over. "Fuck you, Dave," Scott said as he hit the ground, unconscious.

"Jesus fucking Christ!" the group heard Seth Rogen shout. The VP had him in a headlock. "Get this asshole off of me, buddy!"

"I can't help myself, I've gone feral!" the VP shouted back. Seth Rogen elbowed him and escaped, running out of the building before anyone could catch him.

Garnet and Amethyst fought their opponents back-to-back. Citrine and Canadian Pearl ran at them, and they both pulled a reversal, sending their enemies flying into each other. Amethyst squeezed them with her whip, poofing both of them.

Pearl gained the upper hand in her fight and knocked Granite over. She pinned her at the neck with a spear. "Last chance, Granite," Pearl warned. "Let these people go, and take back what you said about Rose Quartz."

"Fuck Rose Quartz!" Granite spat. "She's a fucking asshole!"

"What she did during the war was necessary, if unpleasant," Pearl argued, narrowing her eyes. "Why can't you see that?"

"I'm not talking about THAT war, dummy."

"What?"

"Oh. Oh, I see." Granite smirked. "Rose Quartz never told you what she did to the innocent people of Canada, did she?"

"What are you talking about?"

"She didn't tell you! Haha! So much for love, buddy!"

"You better start making some sense."

Granite struggled against the spear. "Whatever. It doesn't matter now. If you put us in your little burning room, that would be a big mistake."

"Right."

"I mean it. You would be fulfilling another part of the prophecy. And you do NOT want to fuck with the prophecy."

"What prophecy?"

"Fuck you. Like you don't know the fucking prophecy." Granite leaned forward, so that her face was almost touching Pearl's. "Just know this; it was all started by your Rose Quartz. And if you continue down the same path she did, buddy, you'll only be bringing it closer to fruition. A war is coming, Pearl. One the likes of which you have never see-" Pearl poofed her before the end of her threat. Her last words—an angered "CAN I FINISH?!"—echoed through the room.

"What the 'h', P?!" Amethyst yelled. "I wanted to hear the end of that!"

"Oh, it was all baloney anyway," Pearl said. "She was just trying to save her own skin so she could keep oppressing these Canadians."

"Well, YEAH, but it was still a cool story." Amethyst raised an eyebrow as Pearl and Garnet went to go bubble the Canadian Gems. "Whoa, whoa, hold on. What are you doing?"

"Sending them back to the temple," Pearl shrugged. "Why?"

"You can't do that, they're… like us. Almost. Sort of."

"You didn't know these three," Garnet replied. "If left unchecked, they could do some real damage. We'll consider letting them go later on, under strict supervision, like Peridot, but until then, it's best if they stay put."

Amethyst glared suspiciously at Garnet and Pearl. "Alright then…" she muttered. She had no reason to believe Garnet or Pearl were lying to her, so she decided to drop it.

Rose, on the other hand? She hid a lot of nasty secrets, even from the other Crystal Gems. Even from Pearl. So if Garnet and Pearl were acting based on something Rose Quartz told them centuries ago, it was natural to be cautious—and even a little suspicious. Steven wouldn't have stood for this, she knew that for a fact. So if worse came to worse, she knew where to go.

But it wouldn't come to that… right?

"So, uh, what do we do now?" Dave asked.

"What do you mean?" Pearl responded. "You're free now, you can do whatever you want."

The Crystal Gems left. A worried look came on Dave's face. "But being free is against the rules…" he muttered.

Once they left New Toronto, the Crystal Gems made their way to and stepped on the warp pad. "Thank goodness that's over," Pearl said. "Let's never come to Canada again, okay? This is a terrible, horrible place."

Amethyst wasn't sure she agreed. Her worries left with her, however, as the group teleported back into the Temple.