71 Tom's POV
Stupid, stupid having a breakdown in public. How could I be so bloody stupid? Nobody should have seen that, nobody should have seen me doing that, shouldn't have put them through that. Shouldn't have made anybody see that. I probably just made them very, very angry with me. Angry, and annoyed. Made them think that I was weak and pathetic, because I was pathetic. Crying over a few bad words and the knowledge that I caused all this mess. I already knew that, knew that I was useless and a mess of a human being. I shouldn't have been shocked, shouldn't have been crying like some sort of child over it all.
That's why I was here now, at Natasha's office, having been driven straight here the morning after my stupid breakdown. I hadn't been allowed to drive myself, of course I hasn't. Who let the pathetic person who couldn't keep their emotions in drive? Buzz wasn't even allowed in my session with me today, he had to wait outside with Danny, Harry and Dougie. Probably so I didn't disturb him more, God knows I was screwing him up enough by crying in front of him constantly.
He hadn't wanted to let me go last night, had clung on and refused to let me leave his room. He clung to me in his sleep all night. How he let me go this morning I didn't know, and I didn't want to even think about it.
"So how have you been feeling over the last week?" Natasha asked, like any other session.
Like I hated myself, because I did despise myself. Like I couldn't control any of my emotions, like the worst father and housemate in the world. Like a pathetic, weak, useless man, just like my wife always told me I was.
"Fine." I answered instead, so she didn't have to hear it too. It wasn't like she didn't know already, I must have been screaming it by now. A neon sign above my head, flashing my worst personality traits and reasons to hate me for everyone to see. Not that I knew what exactly was the problem. I'd change it if I could, would change anything I needed to, just to make all this go away and go back to normal. So I could look after my son properly, stop scaring him, stop annoying everyone else, making them hate me.
"Tom, we both know that that isn't true. You haven't had a good week at all." Natasha sighed, even she was annoyed with me, and we had been in session for five minutes. It was shocking really that Danny, Harry and Dougie hadn't gone down the same route as my wife to keep me in line and out of the way. Who cared if it was classed as abuse when it worked and kept the peace in some way?
I just wanted peace, and some sort of happiness, or at least the feeling that I was accomplishing something.
"Would you like to talk about what happened yesterday?" Natasha asked gently. Always so gentle, always so damn gentle with me, like I was made of glass. She could have been tougher with me if she wanted, it wasn't like I cared.
"It was a mistake, it won't happen again." not in public at least, I'd hold it in, keeping everything locked up until I was alone. I was alone from eight in the evening, after Buzz went to bed, anyway, I could let it all out then. I'd let it all out then, when I was alone. Didn't matter if I cried myself to sleep some nights, as long as nobody else knew and didn't get put out because of my antics.
"Why would you say it was a mistake?" Natasha had to know. Normal people didn't have breakdowns just because someone asked them to join in a game with their son. And they certainly did cling to that person as they hysterically cried over the term abuse.
"Normal people don't have breakdowns in front of their house mates and scare their son over something they already knew." I desperately wanted to curl into a ball on the sofa, but couldn't. I couldn't put my feet up on the cushions and dirty them, other people had to sit on this furniture. Natasha wouldn't be happy with me for that, and I needed Natasha on my side. Or at least, I needed her to still think that I could look after Buzz... not that I was, but she had to keep on thinking that he could stay with me.
"Like I said, it won't happen again." I wasn't going to scare my son more, I wasn't going to freak him out and be a bad parent. He wasn't going to see, or hear, his dad cry again.
"Tom, it's okay to cry, and to be upset over this, it's nothing to be ashamed of." Natasha sighed again, looking at me with pity. I didn't need pity, I needed the chance to prove that I could do what I set out to do, which was become a better father, and figure out what the hell was wrong with me.
"Sure, I should be proud of the fact that I clung onto Danny like a child and ruined everyone's good mood. It was great work." That was sarcasm, I shouldn't have used sarcasm! I needed her to like me, I needed her to be on my side! "Sorry, sorry, I-I didn't mean to say that." I hastened to apologies.
"It's alright, I understand. You're getting defensive, it's a natural reaction." Natasha shrugged it off, "Why don't you tell me what triggered off this breakdown instead?"
"I don't know." I just broke down, Danny asked me one too many questions, and for some reason that made my resolve snap like a twig, opening the floodgates.
"Oh, I'm sure you do, why don't we talk through it, see if we can figure it out together?" Natasha asked, making me go through everything Danny said to me yesterday, and how I felt about each thing.
"When he asked you to drop what you were doing and join in, how did that feel?" she started, at least she was giving me a place to start, otherwise I didn't have a clue on what to say.
"I... I don't know." I wasn't sure, I couldn't remember how it had felt, just remembered the tears flowing, the panic and the exhaustion afterwards.
"You do Tom, just think back to yesterday. You were cleaning the kitchen worktops, and Danny was asking you to stop what you were doing, and come do something else, something you weren't usually allowed to do, how did that make you feel? What did you think in that moment?" Natasha prodded, yet it didn't feel like she was demanding me to say anything. She was just asking, she was always just asking, even when she wanted an answer, she didn't force it, only encouraged me to tell her.
"I, I thought that I needed to finish the cleaning. We, we shouldn't have a dirty house, it wouldn't... it could make Buzz ill." I had always cleaned the house over, it was my job, had always been my job.
"When was the last time you had cleaned the worktops?" Natasha carried on.
"That morning, after breakfast." I cleaned them off after every meal, or whenever something had been on them. Just like I hovered every day too, and put away all the toys after they had been used, did the washing, and ironed the clothes. It all had to be done every day.
"Okay, couldn't it have waited, until after Buzz finished his game with you?" Natasha made me shake my head, "Why?"
"It wasn't... because... I, I don't know." I didn't know, I didn't know! I just... I was just doing what my wife had instilled in me! It was what was needed, I was doing what I knew I was just doing what I knew.
"Alright, it's okay, it's okay to not know." Natasha got up, sitting next to me, "But Tom, remember what I told you a few weeks ago, about spending time with Buzz? It's important to spend time with him too, and not distancing yourself from him, even when what you're doing is good for him."
"I, I put him to bed though, a-and get him ready in the morning. We, I bathe him and read him a story every night." I was, I was spending time with him, I wasn't abandoning him. I really, really wasn't abandoning him.
"I know you are, and I'm very proud of you for doing it so well every day, but what I'm talking about is spending time with him during the day. Playing games, drawing, helping him learn, perhaps even taking him out on a trip when you feel ready to. It's important to spend time with Buzz during the day, too." Natasha explained, "It helps you bond together, as father and son, and gives you a break from work. You deserve a break Tom, you don't have to work all day long, you can relax with your son on occasion too."
"But, but I have to do -" I tried to protest.
"Not all the time, you don't have to constantly be working yourself to the bone, you can spend time with Buzz, and not have everything fall to pieces. Remember when you and Buzz spent time together a few weeks ago, where you played football? Nothing fell down then, did it? And, Buzz loved it, and you enjoyed yourself too. You can still do that, even with everything else going on." Natasha smiled softly.
"But what about -" I tried again.
"The housework will still be there later on, and you can do it later on, if you wish. I'm just saying, make time in your week for you to have a break, to be with your son. It'll do you both the world of good, and nothing bad will come of it." Natasha sensed my protest again, "Just once a week, try it. Once a week, put away the cleaning equipment, and do something with Buzz. Jam together, draw with him, play football, watch a film, anything like that would be a great start, I promise."