PREVIOUSLY ON: SOUTH PARK
The entire town of South Park gathered in the cemetery. Friends. Family. Neighbors. Everyone mourned, for one they loved so dearly was tragically taken from them. At the center of the park was a casket, and in front of the casket were several flowers, a few candles, and a photograph of the departed; Craig Tucker.
Priest Maxi addressed the townspeople from his podium. "Today, we mourn the tragic loss of a boy I know touched many hearts in South Park," he announced. "Student. Friend. Lover. Brother. These are the words that describe Craig Tucker, whose life was cut tragically short after an accident in school. I know I speak for many in our community when I say that Craig touched my heart on a deeply personal level. He left a mark on this community, his friends, his family, his boyfriend…"
Eric Cartman, Kenny McCormick, and Tweek Tweak stood at the back of the crowd, dressed in suits. Except for Kenny, who was too poor to afford a suit.
"I can't believe he's gone…" Tweek muttered. "How could we let this happen?"
"I don't know," Cartman responded. "But I do know this is a gap we can never fill."
"Without Super Craig, who will protect the world from injustice?" Tweek asked, although he wasn't speaking to anyone in particular so much as he was wondering aloud. His answer came in the form of a muffled response from Kenny. "What?"
"Mysterion's right, Wonder Tweek," Cartman affirmed. "It's up to us now, to defend South Park in Super Craig's place."
"How the hell are we going to do that?" Tweek twitched.
"We'll assemble a team," Cartman explained. "A team of crime fighters who can defend the world anywhere, any time."
Cartman approached a bright young girl in a purple sweater and a pink beret in the halls of South Park Elementary. She was putting her bag into her locker. "Wendy Testaburger," he said.
Wendy looked at him. "I don't know you."
"I've heard you know your way around Twitter."
"You must have me mistaken for somebody else."
Cartman acted quickly, retrieving his phone and attempting to troll Wendy on social media. Wendy, however, was much faster, and blocked him before he even had a chance. He tried Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, Snapchat, Facebook, and even MySpace. She blocked him on every platform. This pleased him.
"Call Girl," he said, smirking. "Welcome to the Freedom Pals."
Call Girl. Secret identity: Wendy Testaburger.
Tupperware. Secret identity: Token Black.
Toolshed. Secret identity: Stan Marsh.
The Human Kite. Secret identity: Kyle Broflovski.
Mosquito. Secret identity: Clyde Donovan.
Fastpass. Secret identity: Jimmy Valmer.
Captain Diabetes. Secret identity: Scott Malkinson. Doctor Timothy. Secret identity: Timmy Burch.
All of them were recruited by The Coon (Eric Cartman), Mysterion (Kenny McCormick), and Wonder Tweek (Tweek Tweak) into the Freedom Pals, a new superhero group dedicated to fighting crime and keeping the streets of South Park safe.
The Freedom Pals, however, were about to meet their match…
ROBERT T. POONER PRESENTS
FREEDOM PALS — INFINITY WAR
PART 1
FRANCHISE REBOOT
The Present.
The Freedom Pals convened in their top-secret base in South Park, Colorado. They had received news of a troubling development at City Wok.
"Mongolians have taken over," Coon explained. "As long as they remain there, we can't order any City Chicken or City Beef for take-out."
"Aw, god damn it!" The Human Kite groaned. "I am so sick of pizza."
"All I'm saying is if we could put bacon on the pizza, it would taste a lot better," Coon muttered, glaring at The Human Kite. "Regardless, City Wok is in danger. We have to go help them."
"What's the plan?" Call Girl asked. "I suggest we dox the Mongolians and—"
"Hey guys, I got pizza," Super Craig said as he entered the basement, holding boxes of pizza. "No bacon. Because, you know," he gestured to Human Kite.
Coon glared at Super Craig. "Super Craig. You're supposed to be dead, remember?"
Super Craig shrugged. "Being dead got boring, so I just decided to revive or something."
"No, you can't do that, you have to STAY dead until at least the final act."
"Aw, come on, dude," Super Craig complained. "Sitting in my room all day waiting for you guys to get the seven fucking Dragon Balls so I can come back to life is bullshit. Plus my dad gets mad when I just sit inside all day."
"Super Craig, you are NOT just going to come back to life in the first five minutes!" Coon argued. "This movie has to be sweet and you're ruining it! If you die at the end of the last movie and then come back at the beginning of the next one, there's no fucking suspense!"
"What if I was alive the whole time and you all just thought I was dead?"
"Does this look like Sonic Forces to you, Super Craig?" Super Craig and Coon glared at each other for a moment. Their conflict, however, was cut short by a FaceTime call from an iPad that had been duct-taped to the inside of a cardboard box. "The Freedom Phone!" Coon yelled. "Somebody must be in trouble!" he ran over to it to pick up the call. "Beep beep, boop, boop, okay, I think we're through. This is Freedom Pals."
On the screen was a very nervous looking Professor Chaos… except he wasn't in costume. He was dressed in his civilian secret identity, Butters Stotch. This pissed off Coon immensely.
"O-oh, uh, heya, fellas…" Butters muttered.
"Butters, why aren't you in costume?" Coon asked, glaring.
"Uh, something came up," Butters replied, apprehensively tapping his fists together. "C-can you guys come meet me at the Chaos Lair? As soon as possible? It's important."
Coon rolled his eyes. "Alright Butters, whatever you say." He hung up the call and glared at the floor. "Son of a bitch. Alright guys, change of plans, Butters is being a fucking asshole and wants us to meet him at Circuit City."
"It could be a trap," Call Girl wisely pointed out. "Something about this seems fishy to me."
"Hmm. You're right. It could be a trap," Coon hummed. "Alright. Let's head out, team!" The Freedom Pals ran up the stairs, excited to run right into a trap.
Butters stood in front of Circuit City, looking really, really nervous. Like he was anticipating something bad happening. He glanced up, and saw the Freedom Pals approaching him.
"Alright Professor Chaos," Mysterion said. "We're here. What did you want?"
Butters realized that everyone was probably here to kick his ass, but he didn't care. This was way more important. "Trent Boyett's getting released from Juvenile Hall," he said rather abruptly.
Coon raised his eyebrows. "W-what?"
"He got a Presidential Pardon," Butters sighed. "He's getting out early."
"Why?" The Human Kite asked. "Why should we trust you? The President knows exactly how dangerous Trent Boyett is, he would never—"
"He tweeted about it," Butters said, pulling out his phone.
That gaywad judge who convicted Trent Boyett didn't know what he was doing. I'm going to pardon him for being such a patriot. Make America Great Again!
Coon, Mysterion, Toolshed, and Human Kite all stared at the tweet, a terrified look on all of their faces. "No…" Toolshed muttered. "There's no way…"
"Trent Boyett's getting out?" Super Craig asked. "Well I don't want to be seen with any of you guys, then."
"Yeah dude, fuck this!" Wonder Tweek said. "I don't want to fucking die because of something YOU GUYS did." He and Super Craig left.
"Screw you guys," Tupperware said, "I'm going home." He left as well.
"See you in h-h-hell, C-Coon and Friends!" Fastpass and Timothy left.
Clyde took off his costume altogether. "Yeah, you guys are screwed." He left with Captain Diabetes
Call Girl was the only one left. She looked at Toolshed. "Sorry, Stan," she said, before leaving as well.
"What the- what the fuck?!" Coon watched as his friends abandoned him. "So much for fucking loyalty to your fucking team, you fucking assholes! Jesus Christ!"
"What are we going to do, dude?" Human Kite asked. "We're going to die. We're going to fucking die. Trent Boyett wants us dead."
"Look, we all just have to calm down–"
"I can't calm down, Cartman! Don't you remember what we did to him!"
The boys thought back. It all seemed so long ago.
Trent Boyett was being dragged away by police. Just moments ago, in an act of self defense, Eric Cartman fired a taser gun at the bully. Unfortunately, he had missed, and instead hit Ms. Claridge, their completely paralyzed former preschool teacher who had been badly burned in an accident years ago. And now, it had happened again.
"So, Trent, you just had to finish off your old preschool teacher, eh?" asked one officer. Trent turned to face Cartman, Kenny, Stan, and Kyle.
"No!" he protested. "They did it!" Trent pointed to the boys.
The boys were silent for a moment. They all looked at each other, unsure of what to say.
"Trent Boyett is a liar, sir," Cartman said finally.
The officer then turned to Ms. Claridge, who communicated only in beeps; one for yes, two for no. "Ms. Claridge, did Trent Boyett do this to you?"
Two beeps. That meant…
"Yes, yes," the officer translated. "Take him away!"
The cops hauled Trent away. "No! You've gotta listen to me!" he yelled as he was dragged away.
"Dude," Kyle said, "when he gets out he's gonna be REALLY mad!"
Cartman scoffed. "Whatever, that's like five years from now!"
"Yeah," Stan agreed. "Who cares?"
Back in the present, the boys shuddered. "And now here we are," the Coon muttered. "Much less than five years later." He glanced at his companions. "Wait, that can't be right, wasn't Bush the President back then?"
"It doesn't matter, dude," Toolshed said. "When Trent Boyett gets out, we're all dead meat."
"W-well, there is one way we could stop him," Butters murmured. "I mean… you all are playing superheroes, and…"
"Butters. Don't be retarded. That's make-believe," Cartman chastised, having fully dropped his superhero persona. "Trent Boyett is going to kill us for real. In the REAL world."
"W-well, you know, it just got me thinking…" Butters sighed. "We know some REAL superheroes, don't we?"
"The Super Best Friends?" Kyle asked, tilting his head.
"No, I was thinking something a little more… alien." Butters hoped they were catching on. "REALLY alien."
Stan raised his eyebrows. "What, you mean those rock people? Uh, the Crystal Gems, or whatever? Do you really think they'd be able to help us?"
"Well, they helped us get the Member Berries out of here, didn't they?"
"Butters might be onto something," Kenny said, still using his Mysterion voice. "They're REAL superheroes."
"AND, they can give us real super protection," Cartman added. "But nobody's seen Lapis Lazuli in town since last week, and we don't know how to get in touch with any of the other ones."
"I do," Butters corrected. "I've been emailing Steven since we met. I could get them to come over here."
"Butters, you NEED to get them to come to South Park," Stan demanded. "Our LIVES depend on it."
"When is Trent Boyett getting out?" Kyle asked.
"In three days," Butters replied.
Cartman nodded. "So we have three days. Butters; you know what to do." With that, he, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny turned and walked off.
"I'll try my best, fellas!" Butters yelled after them. "...because if this doesn't work, Trent Boyett is gonna kill ME, too."
Steven hummed as he flipped his egg. That sure was a good looking egg. He couldn't wait to eat this egg. Yum.
Behind him, at the island, Peridot sat. She was dressed in a bathrobe for some reason, and held a phone to her ear to discuss very important business matters. "Yes, I would like to book one round trip flight from Dulles International Airport to Pyongyang. ...the capital of North Korea, yes, that is correct. ...never mind the reason why." Steven sat down next to her, plate in hand, and just stared while she spoke. "Listen, it's none of your business. Yes, I know they're on the terror watch list, that's why I'm flying there in the first place. What do you mean you don't do flights into North Korea?!"
Peridot slammed her fist on the island. "Listen here, you. I am not in the mood for this. My vastly superior extraterrestrial brain has been in pain for at least a week, because of all of the stress I'm under, so you need to do what I say, or so help me I will MAKE you regret it. I need to- hello?" She pulled the phone away from her ear and stared at the screen. "They hung up on me."
Steven stuffed an egg into his mouth. "Maybe bringing democracy to North Korea is too ambitious, right now," he said while chewing. "Maybe you should start off with something small, like defeating ISIS or totally reversing the effects of climate change." Peridot shot him an annoyed glare. "Hey, I'm just throwing out ideas here. There are a lot of ways to bump up the President's approval rating you know. Besides. It's 2018. Maybe this'll be the year it all turns around for him!"
"Ugh, I'm just going to take a break from that," Peridot sighed. "I've been agonizing over this for nearly two weeks now and I haven't gotten any sleep."
"You don't sleep, period."
"Well, yeah, but still."
"Hey, you know, maybe that's why you keep getting headaches!" Steven pointed out. "Maybe you're just sleep deprived. That's… what, a thousand or so years of no sleep?"
Peridot sank a little. "Uh. Yeah. Sure. A thousand or so years. Let's go with that." She raised an eyebrow as the other Crystal Gems warped in. "Where have you three been?"
"Canada," Garnet stated simply. "It's best we don't discuss it further."
"Canada is TERRIBLE!" Pearl yelled. "I never want to go back."
"Pearl's just butthurt cuz Canadians aren't all serious and angsty like we are," Amethyst laughed. "I think she's tired of fart jokes."
"You can't grow 'tired' of something you never enjoyed in the first place," Pearl protested. "Flatulence has never been funny and it never will be."
"Whatever you say, P."
Steven's phone buzzed. Raising an eyebrow, he picked it up and glanced at his notifications. "Oh, hey, Butters emailed me!"
"Butters?" Peridot asked.
"Yeah, you remember Butters, right?"
"Well, yeah, I 'member." Peridot leaned over to look at the email. "What's he emailing you about? Also, what's email?"
"Hang on, let me read it."
From: Leopold Stotch (ProfessorChaosSP at iCloud)
To: Steven Q. Universe (CGUniverse2002 at Gmail)
Subject: Oh, hamburgers!
Howdy Steven! My friends and I are in a bit of a pickle. Could you and the Crystal Gems come on out to South Park ASAP? It's an emergency.
Butters
Sent from my iPhone
"An emergency?" Amethyst asked. "Wonder what that's about."
"I don't think we really have time to be going to South Park…" Pearl murmured. "We have to… uh…"
"We don't have any plans," Garnet corrected. "There's a party going on in Beach City tonight, but we weren't invited."
"Yeah, how come we never get invited to any parties?" Amethyst questioned.
"Most of the townspeople hate us," Peridot said, crossing her arms. "You economically ravage their city ONE TIME, and suddenly that invalidates all of the times you saved their butts."
"Yeah, but like, that's YOUR fault, you're the Turd Sandwich who decided to run for Mayor." Amethyst gestured to herself and the others. "WE didn't do squat."
"I suppose the theme park blows itself up every week?"
Amethyst threw her hands up in the air. "THAT WASN'T OUR FAULT!" she yelled. "Maybe the THEME PARK shouldn't have gotten in our way!"
"Everyone, enough!" Garnet cut that argument short. "Peridot, you are a turd sandwich."
"Hah!" Amethyst laughed.
"And Amethyst, it was 100% your fault that the theme park blew up."
Peridot blew raspberries at Amethyst, wearing a satisfied smirk on her face.
"Now that that's settled, I want you two to hug it out."
"You want me to make physical contact?" Peridot asked, a slight tinge of disgust in her voice. "No thanks. I'm claustrophobic."
"I thought you made that up because you were afraid of accidentally fusing with me," Steven said.
"The lie became real and now I'm ACTUALLY claustrophobic."
"So are we going to South Park or not?" Pearl asked. "I lost track of what we were talking about."
Garnet nodded. "Those boys helped us a great deal several months ago. The least we could do is return the favor." She frowned. "I've also just had a rather disturbing vision involving Kenny, so we'd better get moving."
"Yay, South Park adventure!" Steven exclaimed. Without any more hesitation, the group got onto the warp pad and through it made their way to the Denver pad.
What remained of the Freedom Pals—once again just Coon and Friends—sat in Eric Cartman's basement. The Coon, Mysterion, Toolshed, and the Human Kite paced the room nervously, awaiting any news at all from Professor Chaos.
"What are we doing still wearing these outfits?!" Kyle asked, after minutes of pacing in silence. "We need to run. We need to cut our losses and ditch town."
"Human Kite, you need to–"
"Enough with the 'Human Kite' bullshit, Cartman!" Kyle grabbed Cartman and shook him violently. "Don't you understand, we are up shit's creek without a paddle!"
"Kyle, you're starting to sound like Tweek."
"I do not sound like Tweek!" Kyle protested. "Agh! Jesus Christ!" he yelled suddenly, twitching. "This is too much pressure, man!"
"You guys, we need to keep our cool," Stan said. "Freaking out about this isn't going to help. If we're going to stand a chance against Trent Boyett, we need to think about things rationally and not let anxiety take control of us."
"Stan's right," Kenny agreed. "We all need to stay calm. We don't even know if the Crystal Gems are coming yet. If they're able to get here in time, Trent Boyett doesn't stand a chance."
Cartman's iPad rang. He ran to it and began a FaceTime call with Butters. "Butters! Butters, did they respond to your email?!"
Butters smiled. "I'll do ya one better! They're right here!"
Steven popped into view. "Hiya, Eric! Remember me?"
"Oh, thank fucking Christ, we're saved!" Cartman yelled. "Steven, we've got a big problem."
"Yeah…." Steven said nervously, glancing behind him. "We've got a bit of a problem too." He swiveled the camera to reveal Butters' dad, standing at the door glaring at the boys.
"Butters! What are you doing on FaceTime?!" he yelled. "I already told you, you and your little friend are GROUNDED, mister!"
Butters sighed. "Sorry, dad."
"When we got here, Peridot smashed a vase by accident, and Butters' dad grounded us all," Steven explained.
"It was an accident!" Peridot could be heard shouting off-camera. "You're not my kindergartener, why are you grounding ME?"
"We split up with the other Gems to try and cover more ground. They're somewhere in town. Could you regroup with them and get us out of here?" Steven blinked. "Hey, those are some cool costumes, are you guys playing superheroes or something?"
Cartman rolled his eyes. "God damn it. Alright, Coon and Friends, move out! We have to find the other Gems, now!" The Coon and Friends ran up the stairs to find the Crystal Gems. Talk about superhero crossovers, huh?
On the other end of the call, Butters' dad was still yelling at Butters, Steven, and Peridot.
"Now I want you three to think long and hard about what you did!" he yelled, before slamming the door shut.
The group stared at the door in silence for a moment. The silence was broken by Peridot, who, coincidentally, also broke a vase. "Clod…" she muttered.
Steven looked to his side, however, and realized that Butters was grinning. "Hey… what's up?"
"What he doesn't realize," Butters muttered, wringing his hands and walking to his closet, "is that he grounded Butters." He started digging through his closet. "His very fatal error came when he neglected to ground…" Butters put on his foil helmet and his cape, and turned around, grinning evilly. "Professor Chaos! Muahahaha!" Butters laughed maniacally and walked to his window.
"Professor Chaos?" Peridot asked. "Does this human have some sort of split personality disorder?"
"Ohhh, I get it!" Steven said, also smiling. "This is part of that superhero game they're all playing! Butters—I mean, Professor Chaos—must be the villain!"
"Precisely, Steven!" Professor Chaos opened his window. "Or should I say… Chaotic Quartz?"
Steven gasped and grasped his cheeks. "You want US to join your game?!"
"Wait, Steven," Peridot warned. "We're the good guys. If Professor Chaos is the bad guy, doesn't that make him our enemy?"
Steven laughed. "Come on, Peridot! What's a superhero movie without a good villain? It's all make-believe!"
"Join me, Peridot," Professor Chaos said evilly. "Together, we can bring an end to Coon and Friends once and for all!"
"Sure, we'll play with you!" Steven said enthusiastically.
"Um. Steven. A word?" Peridot pulled Steven aside. "Of the three people in this room, one of us actually WAS a villain," she said in a hushed tone. "It's not 'fun'. It's not a 'game'. Villainy is serious stuff, and it makes everyone hate you! I don't want people to hate me."
"I dunno Peridot, I think a lot of people even liked you back then," Steven muttered, having remembered all the weirdly flattering fan art that artists in Beach City drew of Peridot when she and Jasper first arrived on Earth. "Besides, none of this is real anyway! So just let loose and have fun with it!"
Peridot glanced back at Professor Chaos and sighed. "Alright, fine. Ahem," she cleared her throat and approached the boy. "Butters–"
"Peridot," Steven said hopefully. Peridot sighed again.
"Professor Chaos. After careful deliberation with my cohort," she said, glancing at Steven, who was smiling and encouraging her with two thumbs up, "I have decided that we will defect from our prior affiliations with the Crystal Gems to join you in your crusade of chaos."
"What's your super villain name?" Steven asked, grinning at Peridot.
"...what."
"Your super villain name! You know, all super villains have to have a cool name and a backstory explaining why they're like that!"
"Can't I just be evil for fun?" Peridot questioned, still not fully grasping the whole 'super villain' angle.
"No, no, see, it you're evil for fun, then you're just a butt," Steven explained. "This makes people sympathize with you and gives your character depth!"
"Well what's YOUR backstory?"
Steven cleared his throat. "My name is Chaotic Quartz. When I was a kid, uh… I… watched my parents get murdered, like Batman."
"Sheesh, a little dark, don't you think?"
"But UNLIKE Batman, I went mad and decided to join the criminal underworld, in hopes that I would find my parents' killer so I could get my revenge!" Peridot raised an eyebrow, but Steven gave her an encouraging look. "Now you try!"
"Okay…" Peridot looked around the room for ideas. "My name… is… Perildot. In my Kindergarten days, I was forsaken by my creator and stranded on this planet. For years, I hoped that she would come back for me, but she never did, and I harnessed that pain, anger, and feeling of abandonment into wrongdoing."
"That- that's a little too real, Peridot."
"No it isn't. Yellow Diamond didn't CREATE me, she just ORDERED my creation indirectly through mandate," Peridot corrected. "And then she murdered all of my sisters because I did the right thing. The REAL story is actually a more compelling villain origin, but you wanted fake, so." She shrugged.
"Ooookayyyy…" Steven tried to bring the subject to a lighter place. "So! Professor Chaos! What's our first misdeed of the day?"
"Excellent question, Chaotic Quartz!" Professor Chaos started to climb out the window. "But first; who knows how to get down without hurting ourselves?"
"I think PERILDOT has us covered!" Steven grinned, elbowing Peridot. "SHE can make metal float."
"She can? Well, in that case…" Chaos glanced at his boots. "Foil counts, right?"
"If it's convenient, yes, foil counts," Peridot said, rolling her eyes.
"Peridot, why aren't you into this?" Steven asked. "Come on, Peridot, this is supposed to be fun!"
"Ugh."
Once the group was down on the ground floor, Butters began marching in the direction of Circuit City. "Come, my cohorts in chaos!" he exclaimed. "Let me show you the Chaos Lair! Muahahaha!"
"This is gonna be fun!" Steven said as he and Peridot followed Butters.
Coon and Friends walked down the streets of South Park, looking for the Crystal Gems. "Hang on, guys," Cartman stopped. "I know a Crystal Gem mating call."
Kyle rolled his eyes. "No you don't, fatass."
"Yuh huh, Steven taught me! It goes like this." Cartman started crying.
"Cartman, what the hell are you doing?" Stan asked.
Cartman sniffled. "I'm doing a Crystal Gem mating call. S-see, all they do is sing and cry, so if I cry and sing, they'll come running."
Kenny also rolled his eyes. "Garnet can see the future, right?"
"Yeah, I think so."
Kenny retrieved a gun from his pocket and pointed it to his head. "Okay guys, when I pull the trigger, I need you to shout 'Oh my god, they killed Kenny.'"
"Dude!" Stan snatched the gun away from Kenny's head. "Kenny, you need to chill the fuck out, seriously!"
"Oh, NOW you care," Kenny said bitterly. "Fuck you, Stan."
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"Nothing." It was easy for Kenny to forget that nobody ever fucking remembered.
"Look, I think this Trent Boyett thing has us all on edge," Stan said. "We just need to focus on our mission and not let our fears get the better of us. We're still a team, even if the rest of the Freedom Pals ditched us. And when they see how awesome we are once we join forces with the Crystal Gems, they'll all be begging to come back, like when the Avengers met the Guardians of the Galaxy and the Defenders and everyone came back for one big final showdown. That'll be us, you guys. Our fight with Trent Boyett will be like the second part of Infinity War, when everyone bands together to defeat Thanos once and for all. And we WON'T include the Fantastic Four. Because Fantastic Four sucks."
"Toolshed's right, you guys," Cartman said encouragingly. "We need to do this mission flawlessly, like Joss Whedon, and not totally fuck it up, like Zack Snyder. Now come on, let's keep looking." The boys walked past a couple of construction workers who were installing a new neon sign on Skeeter's Wine Bar.
"Hey, Dave, could you hand me that—" the sign began to fall. "Aw, shit. Hey, look out below."
The boys ignored it and kept walking, except for Kenny, who stared directly up at the sign that was about to fall on top of him. He sighed and decided to just let it happen.
...but it didn't happen.
Kenny looked back up. Garnet was holding the sign up. She gave him a thumbs up, and he walked out from under it. She then let the sign hit the floor.
"You two should be more careful," Garnet said calmly to the construction workers. "Somebody could get hurt."
"Hey, you know lady, you could have helped me put the sign back up, instead of letting it hit the floor like that." Garnet ignored the man and approached Kenny.
"Are you okay… Mysterion?" she asked.
"Just peachy."
Pearl and Amethyst approached the group. "Good, you found them," Pearl said. "What on earth are you boys wearing?"
"They're superheroes," Garnet explained. "They're on a top-secret mission."
"Superheroes."
"Yes, that is what I just said."
"We're in a lot of trouble," Stan said. "See, when we were in pre-school, we were playing this game. Things got kind of out of hand and our teacher got really badly hurt."
"We feel really bad about it!" Kyle added. "It was an accident!"
"But we weren't the ones who STARTED the fire," Cartman explained. "THAT was Trent Boyett, the baddest, toughest kid in school. Because of THAT, he was sent to juvenile hall."
"And now he wants to kill us, and he's getting released soon," Stan finished.
Garnet frowned. "What exactly was your involvement."
"We thought we could put the fire out," Kenny said. "So that's the whole reason Trent Boyett started it in the first place. Because he thought we'd handle it."
"But he shouldn't have listened to us!" Cartman stressed. "That's on him, dawg."
"And does anyone else know about this?"
"Well, they know he started the fire."
Garnet knelt down. "But does anyone know he started it because of YOU?"
The boys all looked at each other. "Uh, no. No they do not," Stan said.
Garnet nodded. "I see. So Trent Boyett wants to kill you four because you lied to everyone and he took the blame."
"Well, when you say it like that, it makes us sound like assholes," Kyle complained.
"Yeah, we're the victims here!" Stan excused. "Trent Boyett is out for blood! He'd have just lit the school on fire anyway, eventually! We just… sped things along."
Garnet held up a hand. "Accidents happen. I understand that. And we'll still help you. But first, you need to come clean to the rest of the town."
The boys just stared at her. "...what, you mean, like… like, tell the truth?" Stan asked.
"Oh, we can't do that," Kyle said. "No way."
Amethyst shrugged. "I mean, hey, it's not like it's any worse than getting Canada nuked."
Kyle's eyes widened. "You know about that?!"
"Okay, let's get something straight, here," Cartman began. "KYLE told the President to nuke Canada. WE told him to cut it out."
"I did not TELL the President to nuke Canada, Cartman!" Kyle argued. "He did that on his own! That's on HIM!"
"Don't believe his Jew lies," Cartman whispered to the Crystal Gems. "He got a boner from nuking Canada, just like his fat bitch mom."
"Don't call my mom a bitch, fat boy!"
"Don't call me fat, buttfucker!"
"Then don't belittle my mom you fucking fatass!"
"God damn it, I'm not fat, you buttfucking son of a bitch!"
The Crystal Gems watched the exchange, wide-eyed. "Whoa," Amethyst whispered.
"Everyone, calm down," Garnet tried to defuse the situation. "Children. Coming clean about what happened in preschool is the right thing to do. Your friends, your family, your teachers, they deserve to know the truth. Once that's done, we'll help you with Trent Boyett."
Stan sighed. "Alright, alright… fine. We'll tell the truth."
Garnet smiled. "Good. We'll get everything prepared."
"P-prepared?"
"Sure!" Pearl said, cheerfully. "You want as many people to see your confession as possible, right? You're going to need a stage!"
"And lights," Garnet added.
"And cameras, so people can watch it on TV!" Amethyst laughed.
"See you soon, boys!" Pearl said enthusiastically as the Crystal Gems walked away. The boys just stared at them, mouths open wide.
"Aw, fuck," Cartman muttered.
"Dude, we can't tell everyone!" Kyle said. "My mom's gonna kill me!"
Stan looked more worried than ever. "I heard that if you get somebody put in jail, and then it turns out you actually did the thing they put him in jail for, they put YOU in jail for twice as long."
"I can't go to jail, my mom's gonna kill me after I get out!"
"Hah, you mean YOU GUYS are going to jail," Kenny teased. "I'm just gonna kill myself when I get there."
Cartman glared at Kenny. "Hell no you're not, Kenny! If you fucking kill yourself and let US serve the jail time alone, I'll be super pissed!"
"Yeah, we'll just tell the warden that you're gonna do it and they'll put you on suicide watch, asshole," Stan threatened.
"Fine. YOU figure out how to get us out of this." Kenny pointed in the direction of home. "Fuck you guys, I'm going home." Kenny walked off, leaving Coon and Friends with just three members.
"Son of a bitch!" Cartman yelled. "Okay, so either we tell everyone we LIED and go to fucking juvenile hall, or we keep our god damn mouth shut and get the shit kicked out of us by Trent Boyett! I don't know about you guys, but I think that's a SHITTY FUCKING CHOICE!"
"Wait, wait, guys," Stan held a hand up to shut Cartman up. "I have an idea. Lapis Lazuli went to space, right?"
"Yeah dude, she said something about being pushed away by a gay leprechaun," Kyle said. "What's this about?"
"Well why don't we go to space with her?" Stan suggested. "Come on guys, think about it. In space, there's nobody to do any labor. If we're willing to work, she'll HAVE to let us hitch a ride! Then we can go to whatever shithole planet she's going to and spend the rest of our days as space pirates!"
Kyle smiled. "Hey, yeah! We know lots about space piracy!"
"AND we're really buff and can do lots of manual labor!" Cartman added.
Kyle frowned. "Aw, shit. She's probably long gone by now. How the hell are we gonna get her to come back and pick us up?"
"Don't worry about that," Stan dismissed. "I have a plan. What's the ONE thing on Earth that Lapis Lazuli wants more than anything else? The ONE thing she'd come back for, no matter what?" The boys all thought for a moment. "Think about it, you guys. There's only ONE thing on this whole entire PLANET that she cares about. What is it?"
"Corn?" Kyle asked.
"Yes, exactly!" Stan said enthusiastically. "Corn! She had a farm back in Delmarva! So all we have to do is get a shit-ton of corn, and she'll come running back!"
The boys cheered, and ran off to go find corn.
Steven, Peridot, and Butters approached Circuit City. The windows were boarded up, the sign was dilapidated, homeless people could be found camping around… it looked like it had been abandoned for years. "What is this place?" Peridot asked, looking around in wonder.
"This is a part of human history," Steven explained. "Ancient human history. My ancestors used to go into Circuit City."
"Whoa…"
"And now, I've re-purposed it as my own evil lair!" Butters laughed maniacally. "Here is where I plan all of my misdeeds, like sending pizzas to the wrong houses!"
Peridot rolled her eyes. "You fiend…" she said sarcastically.
Steven frowned. "Peridot."
"Ugh. Yes, Professor Chaos, you're SO evil," Peridot said overdramatically. "Give me more evil."
"Sometimes, I call Carmax to schedule a test drive… and then I never show!" Butters replied.
"Yeah, I don't know, Steven, he might be crossing the line with that one," Peridot snarked. "He's simply TOO evil for us."
It made Steven sad that Peridot wasn't enjoying this as much as he was. "Come on, Peridot. What's wrong?"
"Nothing," Peridot grumbled. "Just keep trivializing the things I hated about myself."
"Huh?"
"Nothing."
The group entered the building. Steven looked around. "Wow. You've got this whole place to yourself?" he asked.
"Well, I used to have minions," Butters lamented. "I had to lay them off, because of the economy."
"Ah, that sucks."
"Yup, th-those were some hard-working minions."
Peridot stared at all of the unused equipment. The building itself seemed severely underutilized, and she doubted Butters was putting it to its full potential. She snorted. "What are the computers for?"
"Well, back when I had minions, we used to publish embarrassing stories about Coon and Friends on Facebook," Butters explained. "But now I don't have minions, so we can't try my new plan to post out-of-context GIFs of Coon and Friends."
"You don't NEED minions to do that," Peridot said. "You can just get a bot to do that."
"I-I can?"
"Yes, you can. Here, come look." Peridot sat down at one of the computers and ushered Butters over. "See, look, it's pretty easy, even for your simplistic underdeveloped human adolescent brain. There are several templates on the Internet, but I like to customize most of the code myself. First you just create a bunch of dummy accounts… Okay, give them passwords you're going to remember… now we just open Notepad…"
Steven watched Peridot as she worked, and smiled. It looked like she was finally starting to get into the spirit of the game, whether she realized it or not.
"...paste all of this code… save it, run it as a .bat file… and there!" Peridot opened Twitter so Butters could see. "Now the President has twenty million fake followers."
"Jeeeeeez…"
"That was an extremely basic task," Peridot said. She closed her eyes, leaned back in her seat and propped her feet up on the desk. "Let me know when you have something a little more challenging for me."
"Can you do that in, like, real life?"
Peridot paused for a moment, and opened an eye to stare at Butters. "Do what?"
"Can you build REAL robots?"
"Pfffft. Can I build real robots? What do I look like to you? I can build ANYTHING!"
Steven grinned. "Say, Perildot. Why don't you show Professor Chaos here your technical prowess?"
"Okay, Butters," Peridot said, grabbing a nearby screwdriver. "Pay attention. This is important."
The Crystal Gems set up a large, extravagant stage in the center of town. Everything was ready for the boys' confession. Lights were on, cameras were rolling and ready for broadcast, microphones were set up… Pearl looked over at Garnet. "Don't you think this is all a little much?"
"We may have gone overboard."
Amethyst sat up, having previously been lazing around on the floor. "So like, why are we doing this, anyway?" she asked. "We're going to help them no matter what, right?"
"Of course we are," Garnet nodded. "Even if they don't come clean with the townspeople, they still don't deserve to face Trent Boyett's wrath. I just thought we'd teach them a lesson in honesty, if we can."
"Okay…"
A gentleman in a suit approached the Crystal Gems. He glanced around the stage, then looked at them. "Hey, uh, do you three have a permit for this?"
"Do we need one?" Pearl asked.
"Yes."
"Then yes, we have one."
"Oh, well, okay, as long as you have one." The man walked away.
Stan, Cartman, and Kyle arrived, each carrying a large sack of corn on their backs. "Sweet!" Stan exclaimed. "You guys have TV cameras set up! Awesome, great work, guys!"
The Crystal Gems glanced at each other. Pearl frowned. "What?"
"This broadcast is gonna be great!" Kyle reiterated. "You all are doing us a huge favor!"
Garnet stuttered. "Y-yeah."
"We gotta go get Kenny. Make sure this stuff is all ready by the time we get back!" Stan said. "Don't go anywhere!" The boys left. The Crystal Gems watched in silence as they walked out.
"They're up to something," Garnet said after a moment of silence.
Butters stared in amazement at the Three Kings Day gift he'd been given. Within only half an hour, Peridot had built him an entire army of robotic minions. "Wowie!" he exclaimed. "A whole army! Jeez, Perildot, you're a pretty helpful ally!"
"I like to think so, yes," Peridot said. "So. What evil task will you be completing with these robots? They can do all sorts of–"
"You guys wanna do some prank calls?" Butters interrupted. "That's what was on my agenda today."
"...what?"
"Prank calls?" Steven asked. "That sounds totally heinous, let's do it!"
"But-"
"Hey, hey, who should we call first?" Butters asked, pulling out his phone. "Ooh, ooh, I know!" He started dialing a number.
"Wait a second guys, don't you want to try out the new-?"
"Yeah, hello, Skeeter's Wine Bar?" Butters greeted. "I'm looking for a Ms. Grabba? First name Ima?"
Skeeter, on the other end, looked out at his patrons. "Hey, Ima Grabba?" Everyone stared at him. "Does anyone know I'm a grabber? I have to ask. Hey! Hey, lady! I'm a grabber. Huh?"
The entire bar started to laugh, as did Butters and Steven. Butters hung up, still cackling.
"That was great!" Steven exclaimed.
Peridot rolled her eyes. "Yeah, real funny. Now can we please-"
Steven dialed a number. A Chinese man picked up. "Herro, welcome to Shitty Wok, I take your order prease?"
"Yeah, can I get the City Chicken?" Steven asked, snickering.
"Oh, we don't sell Shitty Chicken no more—" this prompted laughter from Steven and Butters. "—some god damn Mongorians took over, now we onry sell Mongorian–"
Peridot ran over and snatched the phone out of Steven's hand. "Guys! Please, can we do something worth our time?!"
"Peridot, relax!" Steven said, still laughing. "Prank calls are totally evil! Here, try it!"
"Oh, you want a prank call, do you?" Peridot asked. "Fine! Here's a prank call, for you. 9-1-1," she said as she dialed.
Steven stopped laughing. "Peridot, what are you doing?"
Peridot placed her hand over her mouth and began to speak in a high-pitched, muffled voice. "Hello, police?" she said in a voice almost exactly like Kenny's. "I'm a crazy person and I've got a bunch of people hostage at my house in SoDoSoPa! Better come catch me, I'm armed and dangerous!"
"Peridot, STOP!"
"I think I'll off one of them right now!" Peridot grabbed a hammer and slammed it on the table. "There's more where that came from! Better hurry!" she screamed, and hung up the phone. "There! Happy?!"
"Peridot, did you just SWAT somebody?!" Steven asked, horrified.
Peridot's glare slowly transitioned into a more puzzled look. "I-what? What does that mean? What's SWAT?"
"Gee, Perildot, that was a pretty evil thing you did there!" Butters said, grinning. "Swatting is a really serious crime!"
"What- what is 'Swatting'?"
Steven looked scared, now. "Oh, this is bad. This is really, really bad."
"Guys!" Peridot yelled, trying to get their attention. "What did I do? What's Swatting?"
The boys arrived at Kenny's house, each still carrying a sack of corn. Stan knocked on the door. "Kenny, open up!" he said. Kenny opened the door, once again dressed in his orange parka. "Come on, Kenny, get back in your costume," Stan said as he, Kyle, and Cartman entered. Kenny closed the door behind him. "We've figured everything out. We know how we can solve this without going to jail, and without getting our asses kicked by Trent Boyett!"
"How?"
"Corn, dude!" Kyle explained. "Lapis Lazuli went to space. Lapis Lazuli likes corn. If we give her corn, she'll let us come to space with her! We've got a TV broadcast set up and everything to contact her!"
Kenny shrugged. "Whatever, let me get dressed."
Meanwhile, outside, the entire Park County Police Department had amassed in front of Kenny's house. Everyone was armed to the teeth, ready to face whatever dangerous criminal was behind that door. Sergeant Harrison Yates drove up in his squad car, and stepped out wearing a bulletproof vest. He went to the trunk and grabbed a shotgun.
"Alright everyone, listen up," he announced to his team. "This sick son of a bitch is assumed to be extremely dangerous. We don't know if he's black, Latino, Muslim, or just a really, really poor white guy, so make sure your safety's off. We need to be prepared for anything. Do we all know the drill? Let's move in, people!"
The team moved in on the door and took their positions. Yates took cover behind the wall and knocked on the door.
Kenny heard the knock before he could get to his room. He raised an eyebrow at the door. "What now?" he muttered as he walked to the door. Before he could open it, however, he heard a loud 'Go! Go! Go!' and the door was kicked open.
"This is the Park County Police Department!" Yates yelled as he barged in. "Everyone stay right where you are!"
Stan, Kyle, and Cartman raised their arms in the air. "Jesus Christ!" Cartman yelled.
Yates' eyes widened. "It's the hostages! Everyone, move in!"
Kenny glared at the cops as they surrounded him. "What the fuck are you doing?!" he shouted.
"Oh, shit, he's aggressive!" Yates shouted. "Defensive action, everyone!"
The entire police team opened fire on Kenny. He yelled as his body was violently torn to shreds by various high-caliber rounds, some armor-piercing, some hollow-point, some explosive, all of them very, very deadly.
"Holy shit, dude!" Kyle yelled over the noise.
Finally, when the gunfire had died down, Kenny lay on the floor, dead and mutilated. The rats in his house wasted no time in picking at his corpse.
"Oh my god!" Stan yelled. "They killed Kenny!"
"You bastards!" Kyle yelled, glaring at Yates, who approached him and knelt down.
"Are you kids alright? Did the poor white man hurt you?"
"We weren't his hostages, dumbass," Kyle said, rolling his eyes.
"But- but we got a call," Yates said, confused.
"Yeah, idiot, you probably got Swatted," Stan said.
"Nice one, dipshit," Cartman added.
"He was supposed to carry the fourth bag of corn!" Stan said angrily. "Lapis Lazuli isn't going to want to let us go with her for just THREE bags of corn!"
Another cop approached the boys. "Speaking of which, this is evidence, we're going to have to confiscate all of this corn." He and two other cops took the sacks from the boys.
"We got… Swatted?" Yates asked, still in shock. "Oh, shit. This is bad. You boys stay safe. I have to go warm the town… there's a wild Swatter on the loose… Everyone, move out!" The cops left the three boys and one rat-infested corpse.
"What are we gonna do, dude?" Stan asked. "Trent Boyett's gonna kick our asses for sure!"
"We're just going to have to tell the truth," Kyle admitted. "We have to come clean and tell everyone the fire was our fault."
Stan looked at Cartman. "We… we can't do that."
"Kyle's right," Cartman said.
"What?!"
"Honesty is the best policy," Cartman reiterated. "Besides. Maybe, if we're really good, the big man upstairs will forgive our sins."
"God?"
"No, no. The REALLY big man," Cartman clarified. "The forty-fifth big man, to be exact."
"You really think the President would pardon us?" Kyle asked.
"And can he pardon us from being GROUNDED?" Stan added.
"I don't know…" Cartman said, "...but he's our best god damn shot."
Steven paced the floor of Circuit City, a worried expression on his face. "Oh man, oh man… this isn't good, you guys!"
"I-if my dad finds out I Swatted somebody, he's gonna double ground me for sure…" Butters said sadly. He sat on a table and stared down at the floor. "Guess I'm not leaving my room for a while."
"I don't see what the big deal is," Peridot said. She was lying on the table next to Butters, staring at the ceiling. "You guys wanted to play 'villain'. So, I played 'villain'. And not to gloat or anything, but I AM the most qualified villain in this room."
"So what do we do now?" Steven asked.
Butters glanced around the room. Suddenly, a determined glare appeared on his face. "You know what? I'm NOT getting grounded."
"Why not?" Peridot asked.
"Because Butters… is dead."
"What-"
"Only Professor Chaos exists now!" Butters said, standing up. "I'm sick of living in fear! We're gonna double down on evil! Together, with my evil teammates, Chaotic Quartz and Perildot, and my robotic minions, I'm going to take over South Park!"
Steven's eyes widened. "What?!"
"Alright, NOW this game is getting interesting," Peridot said, sitting up and smirking. "Let's see where this goes."
"No! Let's NOT see where this goes!"
"Hey, Steven, it's like you said," Peridot said as she hopped off the table to follow Butters to the next room. "None of it is real." She closed the door behind them, leaving Steven alone.
"...I need to stop letting Peridot role play," he muttered.
The boys arrived at the stage that the Crystal Gems had set up. Half of town was here. "Jesus, dude, they were really serious," Stan said. "Okay. We have a problem. The President isn't picking up my calls."
"What? Why not?" Kyle asked.
"He's been AWOL for the past month, dude, nobody knows where he is."
"Wait…" Kyle realized that something wasn't right. "If the President's been missing since last month… how could he have pardoned Trent Boyett?"
Pearl arrived. "Oh, good, you boys are here. Are you ready?"
"Uh, actually-"
"Good, because you're on!" The curtains rose, and the boys all stared out at the large crowd. "Alright everyone, thanks for coming," Pearl said. "Now you might be wondering why we called you all here. It's actually quite simple. Stan, Kenny, Kyle, and Eric here have something to say to everyone, about something that happened a very long time ago. ...where's Kenny?"
"Dead," Stan shrugged.
"My word, what happened?!"
Sergeant Yates ran up to the stage in a panic. "AHHH! No! Nobody panic! The police are NOT responsible for Kenny McCormick's death!" He glared out into the crowd. It was all the SWATTER'S fault! THEY killed Kenny!"
Randy Marsh raised his eyebrows. "Swatter?"
Yates grabbed Pearl's microphone and addressed the townspeople. "Some crazy person is going around Swatting everybody! It's really serious, you guys! People are getting hurt, and it isn't my fault at all!"
"Jesus, there's a Swatter on the loose?!" one citizen exclaimed.
"I need to protect my kids!" another yelled.
The crowd began to panic. In a typical South Park fashion, the citizens started running around, unsure what to do or where to go. Their exit was blocked, however, by an army of robots, which left the town's alleyways and closed in on the stage.
"What the hell?" Stan said as the robots pushed the audience closer to the stage. "Whose robots are these?"
"Muahahahaha!" they heard a familiar voice laugh maniacally. "My plans have finally come to fruition! Chaos has succeeded!"
Cartman stepped forward. "That sounds like…"
Every single screen in the vicinity flared to life. The bright images settled and sharpened, and the crowd watched in astonishment as Butters addressed them, still in-costume.
"People of South Park!" he announced. "Your town has a new ruler. I, Professor Chaos, am establishing martial law! From now on, I rule this town with an iron fist, and NOBODY can stop me! Not even Coon and Friends!"
Peridot stepped in front of the camera. She, also, was wearing a super villain costume, which consisted of a foil helmet that compressed most of her hair and a long cape which flowed from her back. "OR the Crystal Gems!"
Butters and Peridot maniacally laughed in unison, while Coon and Friends AND the Crystal Gems stared in confusion.
Cartman got really angry. "Butters. Butters! That asshole! He's fucking behind it all! Trent Boyett was never pardoned, he Photoshopped the fucking tweet!"
"God dammit, Butters, we're gonna come over there and kick your ass!" Stan yelled.
"You'll have to find me, first!" Butters retorted. "See you around, Coon and Friends!" The broadcast cut off, but Butters' and Peridot's laughs could still be heard. The townspeople continued to be ushered, like cattle, through the town. Butters had succeeded. South Park was his.
Kyle glared at one of the screens. "Guys. We're going. To FUCKING. KILL. Butters."
Pearl shook her head. "Why do we bring Peridot on to these missions…?" she asked herself.
Truthfully, nobody could answer.