"Oh my god! They killed Kenny!"
"You bastards!"
It had happened again. For what seemed like the forty-trillionth time, Kenny McCormick was dead. He crossed his non-corporeal arms as his soul rose from Earth and towards Heaven. This was bullshit. He was tired of this. What was the point? He was just going to come back tomorrow anyway, why go through this dog and pony show?
Little boy at peace
What is this place beyond the stars?
Kenny approached Heaven, which was, as always, populated by images of beautiful, naked women.
Open up your eyes
What are these things you're moving towards?
Kenny, arms still crossed, glared at the golden gates as they became closer and closer in his vision.
Head so full of wonder
Worries in the past
Could it be that you are free at last?
The moment of truth was approaching—would he be accepted into Heaven, as he was hundreds of times before?
NO! A large sign was erected in front of the golden gates, and the visions of beautiful women disappeared. "ACCESS DENIED!" the sign read. Kenny sighed, and began to fall through space. A swirling, fiery vortex opened up below him.
Little boy you're goin' to Hell!
You said bad words
Threw rocks at birds
And now this is your hotel!
A bored look came over Kenny's face as the denizens and demons of Hell rose up, and began to tug and tear at his body. The vortex of fire swirled around him. It should have been terrifying. But it wasn't. He knew the drill by now.
Lapis Lazuli sat at the edge of the island her barn sat on, gazing at the stars. Space was really pretty, but it was also lonely. She wished that Peridot, Pumpkin, and Steven were here. She really should have left this star system, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. As much as she didn't want to get caught-up in another war, she also didn't want to leave Earth COMPLETELY behind. She wanted to be able to pick Peridot up if shit hit the fan.
Right, like she'd abandon that planet, Lapis thought, rolling her eyes. They came to rest on the fiery vortex that orbited Earth. That was really—
"Fiery vortex?!" she yelled, standing up. It was too late. Earth was already under attack. Peridot was in danger. She jumped from the barn, letting space's lack of atmosphere propel her towards the planet with little resistance. Not fast enough. She flared her water wings and soared towards Earth. "Please don't be too late, please don't be too late…" She stopped, however, and put a little more thought into it. Homeworld… pilots ships. They don't pilot fire. What was going on, here? She looked up, and saw clouds. In space. Between the clouds and the fire, she saw a little orange speck, descending into the fire.
You ain't goin' back
This ain't Disneyland
It's HELL!
Kenny yawned as a vision of Kim Jong-il appeared before him, and yelled at him in Korean. Then Charles Manson appeared, and he rambled on about some sort of impending race war. Jeffrey Dahmer. Ronald Reagan. The uncle from the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. All of them appeared before him to let him know that, yes, he was in fact going to Hell.
Little boy it's time for you to pay
For hurtin' that bird
Not goin' to church
And starin' at boobs everyday
Lapis hovered over the vortex and got a closer look. She recognized that orange parka. "Kenny?!" she yelled.
Kenny looked up. "What the fuck?"
Thought you were in bed, instead you're in Hell!
Lapis descended into the vortex and grabbed Kenny's hand. "What are you doing here?! Space is no place for a human child, we need to get you back on Earth! How did you even get here?!" She tried to fly away, but she… couldn't. "What?"
Hell isn't good, Hell isn't good, Hell!
"You need to let go!" Kenny yelled. "Are you fucking stupid or something?!"
"I can't hear you!" Lapis yelled back. "Your voice is too muffled, and also there's all this fire and wind… how does any of this happen?! Why can't I pull you out?!"
Kenny groaned. What was the best way to explain this… before he could figure that out, he realized they were still falling. "You need to let go!" he repeated. "You're going to get sucked in with me!"
"What?! Sucked in where?!"
Hell isn't good, Hell isn't good, Hell!
Lazuli, you're goin' to Hell!
Shouldn'ta been gay
Cuz now you're gonna pay
The ultimate price
In the fiery depths below!
Lapis screamed as she and Kenny were pulled deeper into the vortex. She saw a landing, but that didn't ease her worries very much, on account of the landing being surrounded by fire.
Hell isn't good, Hell isn't good, Hell!
Hell isn't good, Hell isn't good, Hell!
Lapis flared her wings to slow their descent. She and Kenny landed softly on the ground below. "Kenny, are you okay?" Kenny jumped up and smacked her. "Ow! What was that for?!"
"You should have let go, dumbass!" Kenny yelled. "Now you're stuck HERE with me!"
"And where is HERE?!"
"Welcome," a deep voice said from behind them. Kenny and Lapis turned around. Lapis gasped.
"What is THAT?" she asked.
The large, red, horned creature smirked. "I am Satan. Ruler of the Damned. The Prince of Darkness. A fallen angel in the eyes of God. And God… has forsaken you."
Lapis rolled her eyes. "Ugh, tell me about it."
"Don't you get it?" Satan asked. "Your soul belongs to me. You've been damned to rot in the deepest, darkest pits of my kingdom for all eternity. There is nothing left in store for you but pain and suffering."
Lapis crossed her arms. "So what else is new?"
Satan glared at Lapis for a moment before frowning. "I never get the fun ones anymore." He heard Kenny clear his throat. "Ah, Kenny. Welcome back. Who's your friend?"
"This is Lapis Lazuli," Kenny said, glancing up at her. "And she isn't my friend. I hate her."
"Hey!"
Satan put on reading glasses and began reading a list. "Let's see here… Lazuli… Lazuli… uh… huh."
"What is it?" Lapis asked.
"Well, see, normally, when someone dies and they get sent to Hell, their name is printed out on this daily list for me," Satan explained. "But your name isn't on here."
"Oh, well, I'm not dead," Lapis responded. She then glanced at Kenny. "Neither is he."
Satan chuckled. "No, no, Kenny is super dead, poor bastard."
"He is?"
"Yeah, but it looks like you aren't, which makes me wonder how the hell you got to Hell. Hold on one second, I need to check up on something." Satan retreated into his house, which was nearby, and walked into to the kitchen. His boyfriend, Steve Bannon, was at the stove, cooking eggs. "Steve, do you remember Death's area code? I keep forgetting if it's 3-2-1 or 5-7-1."
"3-2-1," Bannon said. "He pretty much lives in Florida because of the elderly population."
"Right, right," Satan muttered as he dialed the number. "Come on, pick up… hi, Death? Yeah, it's Lucifer. Listen, do you have the list of souls you were supposed to collect today? ...you do? Great, can you check and see if there was a 'Lapis Lazuli' on that list?"
Bannon turned off the stove. "Breakfast is ready, dear," he said.
"Ok hon, I'll be there in a second." Satan turned his attention back to the phone. "Yeah, you still there? Yeah, she's one of the aliens from Geminga 7, I think. No, I don't know her serial number. Looks like an older one, to me. I think she's one of the ones that defected to Earth back during that big galactic civil war they had, does that narrow it down at all?"
Lapis and Kenny entered the house. Kenny raised an eyebrow when he saw Bannon standing in the kitchen. Lapis, having never met him personally before, didn't even know who he was. Bannon, however, recognized her immediately.
"Oh, shit, I think I've seen this one before," Bannon said. "Hey, you're Peridot's girlfriend, right?"
"I don't know what that means," Lapis responded. "I did know her, though."
"Yeah, I know this one. Her Facet number is 6G9L, Cut-7MC."
Satan repeated the information to Death, who relayed to the Prince of Darkness that Lapis was not on his list of damned souls either. Satan sighed. "Okay, thanks anyway." He put the phone down. "Okay, I think there's been some kind of mistake here," he told Lapis. "I'm really sorry about that. Here, let me give you directions to the portal back to the land of the living."
"Wait!" Lapis interrupted him. "Uh… I don't exactly have anywhere to go right now. No friends, no home, just… a barn I stole and flew into space. Can I… stay here? Just until I get back up on my feet?"
Satan blinked. "You want to stay here in Hell," he said flatly.
"Just for a little bit!" Lapis said defensively. "Just until I can, you know, get the confidence I need to go back to Earth and make up with my old friends."
Satan glanced at Steve, who just shrugged. "Alright, be my guest," Satan said. "Just don't cause any trouble."
Lapis nodded. "I'll try not to be a nuisance. Thank you." She turned around and walked out. Kenny looked concerned and followed her.
"Dude, are you out of your mind?" Kenny asked. "This place fuckin' SUCKS!"
Lapis shrugged as an imp ran past. "It doesn't seem so bad. Look, there are even some other Gems here."
She pointed to a nearby Peridot, who was chained up and being tortured by a demon. "Oh, just wait until I get out of these chains, you insolent—OW! That hurt, you worthless clod!"
Lapis frowned. "Ah. I guess they all have the same vocabulary."
The Peridot glared at Lapis. "You're a racist!" she shouted.
"Where are your limb enhancers, shorty?"
"Why, you disrespectful—LET ME OUT OF THESE CHAINS RIGHT THIS INSTANT!"
Lapis looked the other way. What she saw in this OTHER direction was far, far more interesting. A woman in a long, white dress with long, curled pink hair stood on the edge of a platform, staring out into the fiery landscape of Hell. Her back was turned to Lapis and Kenny.
"Say, Kenny…" Lapis muttered. "Wait right here." She walked over to the woman. Kenny rolled his eyes. "Hi," Lapis said when she reached the woman, who turned to stare at her.
"Oh. Hello," the woman said. "I haven't seen you before. Are you new to Hell?"
Lapis shrugged. "You could say that. So, uh, what is this place, exactly?"
The woman sighed. "That's right. You're from Homeworld. This is… where it all ends. This is where you go, when you die."
"Neat."
"If you don't mind me asking, how did you die?" the woman asked. "I don't normally see very many new Gems here in Hell."
Lapis shrugged again. "Uh, I tripped on a brick and shattered my Gem."
The woman turned to stare at Lapis, a shocked expression on her face. She stared in silence for a moment, before closing her eyes and snickering. Her snickers turned to chuckles, her chuckles to laughs. Soon, she was practically rolling on the floor. Lapis laughed along with her, albeit uncomfortably. "Ahaha. Ah, I apologize," the woman said, still holding back laughter. "I do not mean to make light of the situation. That is just… such a slapstick way to go."
"Yeah, I'm a real klutz."
The woman held out her hand. "I'm Rose Quartz," she said. "It's very nice to meet you."
"Lapis Lazuli," Lapis said, shaking Rose's hand. "So, it's my turn to ask, now. How did YOU die?"
"Ah, it's all very complicated," Rose said. "You may have noticed, I don't have a Gem." Lapis looked around. Rose in fact did not have a Gem. "That's because that part of me lives on, on Earth. I gave up my physical form to create something magical."
Lapis stepped backward. "Holy shit," she muttered. This was THAT Rose Quartz.
"Hmm?"
"Uh…" Lapis scratched the back of her neck. "That's… one crazy story, alright!" Should she have told Rose that she knew Steven?
"I did not mean to catch you off guard," Rose apologized. "It is a very hard to believe story. I assure you, however, it's all true."
"No, no, I believe you," Lapis said. "So, uh, what did you create?"
"A child."
"Ah."
Kenny approached the duo. "Lapis? We need to go, now."
"That was a nice chat," Lapis said. Rose Quartz nodded, dismissing her and Kenny. "Jeez, that was weird," she muttered.
"What?"
"I think that was Steven's mom."
"Oh, shit, dude."
As Kenny and Lapis walked, they passed a demon choir.
"Down, down thy soul is cast
"From Homeworld whence forth ye fell
"The path of fire leads thee
"To the gates of H-E Double Hockey Sticks
"Welcome, welcome
"To H-E Double Hockey Sticks
"We are all condemned here
"H-E Double Hockey Sticks now!"
Lapis joined in. "My skin is burning and I hear the demons scream and heave
"Like all the people telling me what I was supposed to believe
"This place is not so bad can't you tell?—I'm in H-E Double Hockey Sticks!"
Kenny worriedly followed Lapis as she hopped across stones which floated in a river of lava.
"I tried so hard to do the things I was told to do
"Even when I started thinking it might be bull-poo
"But I couldn't live with doubt and now I've been thrown
"Into H-E Double Hockey Sticks!"
The choir seemed to follow Lapis and Kenny wherever they went.
"Down, down to Satan's realm
"Forever you shall dwell
"This is eternal
"No escape from H-E Double Hockey Sticks!"
Suddenly, an evil-looking man in a suit and top hat, with a domino mask over his eyes and a mustache, appeared in front of Lapis and Kenny in a fiery explosion.
"You are condemned and now you serve ME
"In H-E Double Hockey Sticks!
"Your soul is darned, I'm Reality
"In H-E Double Hockey Sticks!"
Lapis glared at Reality. "You think I care?
"You think I'd rather be free?
"If the world doesn't make sense, then I'd rather be
"In H-E Double Hockey Sticks!"
Kenny tugged on Lapis' dress, and tried to warn her that staying in H-E Double Hockey Sticks was a very bad idea. She didn't listen, and continued to indulge the demons and imps.
"No more worries, no more doubting, no more questioning faith
"I'm content to walk the fire in this wretched place
"I belong with Satan—
"Just like him I also fell.
"Adolf Hitler, Jeffrey Dahmer, Donald Trump, Kenny
"We're all evil and together for eternity
"At least things make sense in H-E Double Hockey Sticks,
"H-E Double Hockey Sticks!"
Lapis, Kenny, and Reality came to a clearing, which was populated by other denizens of H-E Double Hockey Sticks. The crowd was mostly humans, some of whom were Canadian, though there were some Gems, too. Suddenly, they all found themselves compelled to dance, with Reality directing them.
"Hahaha, yes!" he cackled. "Gosh has darned you ALL to H-E Double Hockey Sticks!" He waved his hand. "Now dance!"
Lapis found herself dancing with a Peridot. This was a weird coincidence- Wait, this was her Peridot. She gasped and backed off, and Peridot disappeared in a cloud of smoke. It was only an apparition.
"Jazz hands!" Reality directed. "Yes, good!"
Adolf Hitler grabbed Lapis' hands and began dancing with her. "I started a war and killed millions of Jews
"Now I'm in H-E Double Hockey Sticks!"
Hitler disappeared into smoke; now, Lapis was dancing with Jeffrey Dahmer. "I stabbed a guy and fucked his corpse
"I'm in H-E Double Hockey Sticks!"
Lapis turned. "You think that's bad?
"I left my partner behind," her dance partner spun her around, and they were face-to-face; once again it was Peridot, who glared and began to sing accusations.
"You doubted planet Earth, and abandoned your kind!
"You're in H-E Double Hockey Sticks!"
Peridot gained a sadistic, almost hungry-looking grin, and pushed Lapis. A sinkhole opened up beneath the Ocean Gem. She screamed as she fell deeper, deeper, yet deeper into the pits of H-E Double Hockey Sticks. She landed in the center of a dark room, and numerous pillars rose around her. On each pillar stood someone she knew; Peridot, Steven, the Crystal Gems, Jasper…
They formed a sinister choir, and continued to address Lapis in song. "Down, down to Satan's realm
"Where the doomed and cursed dwell
"Fire is burning
"In H-E Double Hockey Sticks!"
Lapis was beginning to change her mind. She didn't want to be here anymore. Everyone closed in on her, evil grins across their faces. Peridot—now wearing her limb enhancers—led the charge. Jasper was close behind her.
"Welcome, welcome,
"To H-E Double Hockey Sticks
"We are all condemned here—
"H-E Double Hockey Sticks now!"
Lapis yelled, closed her eyes and held her hands over her body. Everything grew silent. She opened one eye. She was back where she started, and sighed in relief. Kenny stood next to her, glaring.
"See what I mean?" he asked. "This isn't a fucking resort."
"Granted, it's a SLIGHTLY hostile environment," Lapis conceded. She stood up and brushed the dirt off of her dress. "BUT it's still less hostile than the cold, dark, unforgiving depths of space."
Kenny just continued to glare. Lapis Lazuli had to be one of the dumbest people he'd ever met, which was saying a lot, considering he knew Cartman. Regardless, he had a duty to make sure she got back to Earth within the next 24 hours. Otherwise, he'd wake up back in his bedroom, and she'd be stuck here and TRULY alone.
Wait. 23 hours. He estimated they'd wasted about an hour prancing around Hell, talking to Steven Universe's mom, and getting wrapped up in a fucking musical number. Kenny had roughly 23 hours to, essentially, get Lapis Lazuli to stop running away from all of her problems.
"...Aw, fuck, dude," he muttered, upon realizing that was an impossible task.
It was now afternoon in Hell, and Steve was sitting in the living room, reading a newspaper from the surface. "Shit for brains…" he muttered, referring to the President he'd created. Boy, was that a mistake.
Satan entered the room. "Steve, can I talk to you for a second?"
"Sure thing, Satan," Steve said. "What's up?"
"I'm hearing a lot of things about a 'prophecy' on Earth," Satan explained.
"Prophecy?"
"It's got something to do with aliens and Canadians and it- it just sounds really similar to something that happened like two decades ago." He sighed. "I don't know, I was just wondering if you had anything to do with it."
Steve raised an eyebrow. "That's not something you're planning?"
Satan shook his head. "No, I had no idea about it until today, I thought it was something YOU were planning."
Bannon put the newspaper down and leaned forward, worry in his eyes. "I… gave up trying to take over the world. It's not me."
"Then who?"
"Satan… I think we both know who the obvious culprit is."
Satan sighed. "I know who you're talking about. I'm just hoping it's NOT him."
"There's only one way to find out."
"I don't want to talk to him."
Steve glanced out the window. There, he saw Kenny and Lapis, wandering around Hell aimlessly. "Maybe you don't have to," he said.
That evening, Kenny and Lapis walked down a relatively ordinary-looking street in Hell. Aside from the fire and the brimstone, the street was actually quite nice. Cookie-cutter houses were lined up neatly, with cars and bikes parked on the curb. One could even see Conan O'Brien going to check his mail. Both Kenny and Lapis Lazuli wore earpieces, through which they received instructions from Steve Bannon.
"Alright, listen up you two," Steve said. "The man you're about to meet is dangerous, unpredictable, and a threat to all of planet Earth. He's also a diabolical mastermind, and is willing to do whatever it takes to get whatever he wants. We need you to figure out if he has anything to do with this new apocalypse prophecy that may or may not affect Earth in 2018 and, if possible, put a stop to his plans."
"If this guy's so dangerous," Lapis asked, "why don't you just take him out yourself?"
"We HAVE taken him out," Steve replied. "Several times. But, like, it's Hell. If we kill him, where is he supposed to go? Detroit?"
Now Satan was speaking over the earpiece. "I sent him to Heaven in 2001, because only Mormons go to Heaven and I felt that somebody as sociopathic as him would find the most torture in being trapped with nothing but the nicest people in the universe, but in 2002 he escaped and became the Prime Minister of Canada."
Kenny's eyes widened. This sounded way too familiar. "Wait a second…"
"On Christmas, 2003, he was found, captured, and executed, and sent back to Hell," Steve continued. "You're approaching his residence now."
Kenny glanced at the mailbox as he and Lapis entered the front yard. The lettering on the side read "Hussein". "Oh, shit."
This was the residence of Saddam Hussein, the insane former President of Iraq (or Iran, what's the difference?) who at least twice had taken over Canada, and who at one point had manipulated Canadians and Americans into going to war to fulfill a prophecy that would allow him to rule over Earth. He was also, at one point, Satan's boyfriend—this fact was made uncomfortably apparent to Kenny during one of his prior trips to Hell, after he'd tried to imitate a stunt he saw in the Terrance and Phillip movie.
If Saddam Hussein was plotting something, Kenny wasn't sure he and Lapis alone would be able to stop him. The man was so powerful, Satan could just BARELY subdue him. How the hell were THEY supposed to do it, especially if they couldn't exactly kill him?
"Oh, uh, one more thing," Satan said. "We've arranged for you to meet with another denizen of Hell. She knows her way around, so if worse comes to worse, follow her lead. Okay? Good luck."
Kenny and Lapis approached Saddam Hussein's front door. Standing in front of it was Rose Quartz, because of course it was. "Are you two the ones who were sent to investigate Saddam Hussein's residence?"
Lapis nodded. "Are you our escort?" she asked. Kenny said something Lapis couldn't quite hear through his parka, then laughed hysterically.
Rose Quartz glanced at Kenny and raised her eyebrows. It seemed SHE heard him, but thought better than to repeat it. "Let's head inside, then," she muttered.
Kenny glanced at his watch. Time was moving faster than he'd anticipated—his time was half up. He had about twelve hours to convince Lapis that Hell was not good. Maybe meeting Saddam would be the nail in the coffin…
Lapis walked up to the door and knocked. Kenny, caught off-guard, widened his eyes and glared at her, while Rose Quartz just shushed her.
"Lapis Lazuli!" Rose hissed.
"What the fuck is your problem?!" Kenny asked in a hushed tone.
"What?" Lapis didn't see the problem. "If he's NOT guilty, then he'll just let us in. If he IS guilty, or if he's not home, we'll just have to break the door down anyway. Might as well knock first, see if we can save ourselves the trouble."
Kenny pinched his nose bridge. "Ugh…"
Suddenly, the door opened, scaring both Kenny and Rose. "Whaddya want?" the man on the other side answered.
Lapis wrinkled her nose and stared at the man with a look of both bewilderment and disgust. His face was just a photograph. Kenny and Rose seemed not to notice—or care—but Lapis DEFINITELY noticed. It was a photo. This man had a regular, albeit Canadian-looking body, but his face was very clearly a photo. Lapis briefly imagined if someone had printed out a cheap Polaroid of HER face and slapped it in front of her actual face. That's what this looked like. Was this what Hell really was?
"Well?" the man said, his photo face flapping open like a Canadian's. "I haven't got all day, sweet cheeks."
Lapis cleared her throat. "Oh, um, hello! My friends and I are new in town, and, uh… we just wanted to… meet the neighbors!"
"Meet the neighbors? Well sure thing, guy! Come on in!" The man, who Lapis presumed was Saddam Hussein, opened the door wide. He seemed to have a perpetual grin on his face. Of course, this was probably because his face was a still photograph—wait it just changed.
Lapis blinked. Was she crazy? Saddam's photo face seemed to… change angles? She shook her head. If Hell could conjure visions of Peridot, it probably was just making this guy's face look weird to… psyche her out. Or something. This guy couldn't ACTUALLY have had a photograph for a face. She was imagining it. That was why Kenny and Rose didn't seem put off by it. It had to be.
Saddam sat down on his couch. "Come on, guy, take a seat, stay a while!" His guests obliged, and took seats on the chairs in the room. "So! What are you poor assholes in for?"
"I don't understand," Lapis responded.
Rose leaned over and whispered. "Being in Hell is supposed to be a punishment."
"It is?" Lapis whispered back. "This place seems okay to me." Kenny facepalmed.
"Ah, it doesn't matter," Saddam said eventually. "Hell's great! The weather's nice, it's not humid, there's no Mormons… what more could the President of Iran ask for?"
Rose tilted her head. "I thought you were the President of Iraq."
"Iraq, Iran, iPad, what's the difference? Don't worry about it, buddy! ...oh, where are my manners! Can I get you anything to drink?"
Rose looked like she had something else to say, as she had opened her mouth and held up a finger, but she decided against it a moment later, and closed her mouth.
"Just a glass of water, please," Lapis responded. Saddam nodded, and went to go fetch the drink.
Rose leaned over to whisper something else to Lapis. "This isn't going anywhere. Any ideas?"
She had one. As soon as Saddam returned, Lapis started Plan B. "Yeah, this 'Hell' place seems great," Lapis said, leaning back. "But, you know, what I'd really like is to be able to get revenge on the living."
Saddam raised an eyebrow, maybe. "Really? What do you mean?"
"Well, you know, I was treated REALLY badly back on Earth," Lapis said.
Rose blinked. "Earth?"
"My 'friends' sucked, my life sucked, the only people I REALLY tolerated were this human kid and a Peridot, so that's how you know I'd hit rock bottom." Lapis laughed. She was SUCH a good actor. "Can you believe it? Me, tolerating a PERIDOT? Saddam, we've got this caste system on Homeworld, and Peridots are some of the lowest on the list. Just above Pearls, of course." She smirked. "So, you know, some days, I just wanted to blow the whole planet up. Sure is too bad we can't do that now."
Saddam appeared to consider something. He glanced in both directions, got up, and closed the curtains on his windows. "You want to see something REALLY sweet?"
Lapis shrugged. "Impress me."
Saddam left the room for a moment. Lapis, Kenny, and Rose all glanced at each other, unsure what was going on.
"That was a rather convincing act," Rose complimented.
Lapis chuckled. "Only about half of that was an act."
"Which part?"
"The part where I said I merely tolerated Peridot." Lapis frowned. "That was… that was a lie and a half. She means a lot to me. You might even say I… tolerate her a lot."
Rose smiled. "Aw, that's sweet!"
"God, you sound just like Steven."
"Beg your pardon? I didn't quite catch that."
"Nothing, don't worry about it."
When Saddam returned, he carried an easel. "This is gonna blow you the fuck away," he said. "Get this. There's this PROPHECY that some bad shit's about to go down on Earth." Saddam set the easel up, and flipped the cover over. "It all started in 2012, when Member Berries resurfaced in several parts of the world. The Member Berries rallied behind divisive and controversial political figures, like Herbert Garrison, Nigel Farage, Vladimir Putin, and Shinzō Abe. Garrison, Putin, and Abe would later go on to be elected the leaders of their home countries, while Farage would successfully convince the United Kingdom to leave the European Union. This trend reached a peak in 2016, and continued into 2017 and 2018.
"So that's the first part of the prophecy," he continued. "Growing political unrest fueled by Member Berries."
"But the Member Berries were destroyed last year," Lapis pointed out.
"Doesn't matter!" Saddam laughed. "The damage was already done! So, on to the next part of the prophecy. In 2014, every ocean on Earth disappeared overnight."
Lapis frowned. "Oops."
"That was to be followed by an alien invasion—which it was, the following year."
"OOPS."
"After President Garrison was elected, one of those aliens was elected Mayor of some pissant beach resort town."
Lapis sighed. "Peridot…" she grumbled.
"Oprah Winfrey, Dwayne Johnson, Kanye West…" Saddam listed off. "All these people who don't belong anywhere NEAR politics are suddenly getting involved. And it's no coincidence."
"It's not?" Kenny asked.
"It's all part of the prophecy. The next part of the prophecy has yet to happen."
The room fell silent. Rose decided she'd be the one to ask the question. "What is the next part of the prophecy?"
Saddam chuckled—and drew a gun. "That three nosy little shits would show up and start asking too many questions."
Kenny sighed. "Oh, fuck, dude."
"You really think I didn't recognize you, kid?" Saddam asked. "Do you think I'm some kind of fucking moron or something? You're one of those shitheads that fucked up my plans last time!"
Rose stood up. "Give it up, Saddam. Your plan is coming to a halt right here."
"Yeah! What are you gonna do, kill us?" Kenny asked.
"No, no," Saddam said. "I couldn't kill you. You're in Hell. You're already dead. Where are you going to go, Detroit? No, killing you wouldn't do anything." He turned to Lapis. "I could kill her, though."
Rose raised an eyebrow. "What?"
"SHE'S not dead. She still has a soul."
Lapis crossed her arms. "How can you possibly know that?"
"Auras. Or, something. I just can, okay? Don't worry about it, guy, fuck you."
Rose glanced at Lapis. "Lapis, if it is true that you're not dead, you need to leave. Saddam CAN kill you here, and then you'd actually be dead."
"Is that such a problem?" Lapis asked. "Hell doesn't seem so bad."
"It might not seem bad now, but it WILL be once you're unable to leave," Rose said. No, sorry. Steven said.
Lapis blinked and rubbed her eyes. Steven was standing in front of her. "Lapis, I KNOW you don't want to stay here!" he repeated. "This place is really bad! It's really hot, and it smells bad, and everyone is really mean!"
"Yeah!" Kenny said. Peridot said. Peridot was standing in Kenny's place. "Lazuli, you need to quit running away from your problems, you clod!" she yelled. "That's what this is, isn't it? You're running away from your problems, here. You're running away from ME."
Lapis' eyes widened, and she took a step back. "No, I-I'm just trying to–"
"Don't listen to them, Lapis Lazuli!" Saddam said. "Stay here…" he said, as his body morphed. Jasper towered over Lapis. "With ME!"
Lapis' defensive look became a distressed one. "No."
"Yeah."
"No."
"Yuh huh."
Lapis glared and marched over to Jasper. "No." Suddenly, Jasper grabbed her wrist and pulled her closer.
"What are you going to do to stop me from KEEPING you here?"
"Let go–"
"Answer me."
"Let go of me!"
"Face it, Lazuli," Jasper said, grinning. "You're not STRONG ENOUGH to go back. You're weak. That's why you need ME."
Lapis tried to break free from Jasper's incredibly strong grip. She tried to stay calm. She knew Hell was just playing tricks on her, she knew she was hallucinating, she knew Jasper wasn't actually here, but this was still SUPER fucked up. Jasper chuckled while Lapis struggled. Finally, Lapis glared, and punched her in the nose, cracking her Gem.
Actually, she'd just punched Saddam Hussein in the nose, which caused Kenny to jump. "Holy shit, dude!"
Lapis glared at Jasper. "Get out!" she yelled, as she grabbed her would-be captor—and also her would-be prisoner—and held her up against the wall.
Saddam Hussein freaked out. "Whoa! Whoa, hey, relax, guy! What's the big fuckin' idea?!"
Kenny cheered. "Yeah, dude, kick the shit out of him!"
"No, do NOT kick the shit out of me!" Saddam yelled. "You can't kill me, genius! If you do, I'll just appear back in Hell again and kill you back!"
"I'm not going to kill you," Lapis responded. "You might not be able to die, but you can still feel pain, yes?"
Saddam hesitated. "N-no."
"Oh? So you won't mind if I do this." Lapis swung Saddam around and let go, sending him crashing across his own coffee table. "That didn't hurt, right?"
"Ow, fuck!" Saddam yelled standing up and yanking a blood-stained shard of glass out of his side.
"He's bleeding!" Rose pointed out. "He DOES feel pain!"
Kenny ran over and punched Saddam in the face, giving him a black eye. Saddam fell down, and Lapis ran over to begin kicking him while he was down.
"Bet this doesn't hurt, huh?" she asked. Kenny laughed sadistically.
"Stop! Stop, Jesus Christ, buddy, you're all maniacs!"
Rose stepped in and grabbed Lapis's shoulder. "Stop," she commanded. "We've proved our point."
Lapis smiled and stepped back. "That felt really good." Kenny kicked Saddam one more time, and Lapis snorted. "Okay, okay, we're done."
"Hell no you aren't!" Saddam yelled, standing back up. He was bloodied and bruised. "You don't kick Saddam Hussein while he's down! I'm gonna fucking kill you!"
Suddenly, several imps and demons ran into the house. "Stop right there!" one of them yelled. "This is the HPD! Put your hands where we can see them!"
Saddam raised his arms. "Hey, come on, buddy, can't we talk about this?"
"No, we can't," a deep voice came from the back of the crowd. The demons split up to make way for Satan, who entered the home, followed by Steve Bannon. "It's over, Saddam. We were listening the whole time. We know what you're planning."
"I'm not PLANNING anything!" Saddam said. "This prophecy is happening no matter what! Arresting me won't do shit!"
"Take him away," Steve ordered. The demons surrounded Saddam and cuffed him. "Send him to Heaven. I'm sure Joseph Smith misses him."
"Aw, fuck that guy!" Saddam yelled as he was dragged out. "I hate Mormons! They're too nice!" He glared at Lapis, Kenny, and Rose.
After Saddam and the demons left, Satan approached Lapis, Rose, and Kenny. "You three may have saved the universe," he said. "Saddam had terrible, terrible things planned for the planet, and perhaps even beyond."
"Beyond?" Lapis said, tilting her head. "What do you mean?"
"Well, besides Earth, Hell is a popular destination for the damned souls of any planet where life thrives," he explained. "He likely would have attempted to take over the Gem Homeworld, as well as many other alien planets. The entire galactic community was in danger."
Lapis whistled. "Pretty high-stakes. Sure am glad we took care of him."
Satan nodded. "And now, I must ask… do you still wish to stay in Hell?"
"You're giving me a choice?"
"Of course. Unlike Kenny and Rose, your soul is still your own," Satan explained. "Therefore, if you do not wish to stay here, I cannot keep you."
Lapis glanced at Kenny. She then stared at Satan, who lovingly had his arm around Steve Bannon. She'd been foolish. She saw that now. It was time to make things right. "I think I am ready to return to Earth. There are people I need to talk to, people I need to apologize to. I'm done running away from my problems. But…" she sighed. "I'm not leaving without Kenny."
"What?" Kenny said, surprised.
Satan raised his eyebrows. "Kenny?"
"Kenny doesn't deserve to be here," Lapis said. "I don't know how he died, but please… I want him to be allowed to come back to Earth with me. I'm sure his friends miss him."
Somehow, this melted the Prince of Darkness's heart. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough. "I'm sorry, Lapis," he sighed. "I cannot allow Kenny to leave this place. His soul belongs to me for all eternity." Technically, that wasn't true, but as far as most people knew, it was. And the less people knew, the better.
Lapis frowned. She knew, however, that it wasn't worth arguing; there were still people waiting for her in the land of the living.
"I'll be okay," Kenny comforted. "This place isn't so ba—" he was caught off-guard when Lapis crouched down and hugged him, completely knocking the breath out of him.
"I'm sorry," Lapis said. "I don't know how this happened, but I'm sure you didn't deserve it. I know you hate me, but… If I could get you out of here, I would, in a heartbeat."
Kenny was genuinely touched. He hadn't met anyone this saddened by one of his deaths since… well, not since that time he had muscular dystrophy. It was honestly a little heartbreaking. Even though HE knew this wasn't the end, Lapis thought it was. And it made him… emotional. So he started to cry. It really FELT like the end.
Although he hadn't known her very long, Kenny realized in that moment that Lapis was his friend. Sure, she was rough around the edges and seemed like kind of a cold-hearted bitch, but deep down… she really cared. About Peridot, about Steven… and about him.
Kenny hugged Lapis back, tears streaming down both of their faces. Truthfully, there was no reason for Kenny to comfort her. He'd be back in South Park tomorrow, and she wouldn't remember seeing him in Hell. She'd remember GOING to Hell, but she wouldn't remember how she got there. She wouldn't remember watching Kenny enter the fiery vortex. She wouldn't remember the conversation they were having right now. She wouldn't even remember that Kenny helped her defeat Saddam Hussein. Tomorrow morning, Kenny himself would be effectively eradicated from all of Lapis's memories of Hell… a cognitive retcon, if you will.
Still, even if she wouldn't remember it, she was upset right NOW. And she didn't deserve to be. So Kenny comforted her. "Don't worry about me," he said. "We'll meet again. I promise."
"How can you promise that?" Lapis asked. "You're… here."
"Trust me," Kenny responded. "Don't ask me how it'll happen or how I know it'll happen. But you WILL see me again. Trust me when I say that. Do you trust me?"
Lapis hesitated. "I do," she said. "Every ounce of common sense I have is telling me you're just saying that to make me feel better. But… my heart is telling me to believe you. I believe you know what you're talking about. And I trust you when you say we'll meet again."
"Good." Kenny backed away and wiped his tears away. "Come on. Peridot's waiting for you."
Kenny, Satan, and Steve walked Lapis to the stairway that led back to Earth. "I hope you're able to make up with your friends," Satan said once they were at the bottom of the staircase.
"I hope so too," Lapis said. "I haven't seen them all in so long… what if they don't WANT to see me?"
"You mustn't let doubt stop you," Steve said. "If you don't do this now, you'll regret it for the rest of your life." He gestured back into Hell. "Maybe even after your life is over. Just like how I regret getting Mr. Garrison elected."
"You regret that?" Kenny asked.
"Oh, hell yeah. Big time."
Lapis began walking up the stairs. She turned around and looked at the group behind her. She smiled. Satan wasn't so bad after all. "Goodbye, you guys," she said.
Kenny removed his hood, revealing his messy blonde hair, and smiled back at Lapis. He, Satan, and Steve waved her off. "Goodbye, Lapis," he said.
Still smiling, Lapis took a deep breath. "Okay, Lazuli. You can do this." A determined look on her face, she began marching up the stairs, while the group continued to wave her off.
Eventually, Lapis disappeared in the light at the top of the stairs, and the group stopped waving. They all stayed, however, and continued to stare. Satan sighed.
"What's wrong, Satan?" Steve asked.
"I just… can't shake the feeling that something really bad is about to happen," Satan said. "What if Saddam really WASN'T behind that prophecy? What if it's all just going to happen anyway?"
"What was the next part of the prophecy?"
Satan looked uncomfortable. "Civil war."
Suddenly, Kenny's watch began to beep.
"Well, looks like your time's up, Kenny," Satan said. Kenny began to fade away. "When can we expect you next?"
"Hopefully not for another few seasons," Kenny quipped. "Or maybe I'll be back next week. Who knows." Kenny had almost completely faded away now. "See you later," he said as he disappeared completely from Hell.
The Freedom Pals exited Mephesto's lab, now dressed in their civilian attire. "This is bullshit," Stan said. "I hate this game now."
Wendy patted him on the back. "There, there, Stan. Why don't we find a different game to play?"
Stan shrugged. Kenny approached the group. "Hey guys, what'd I miss?" he asked through his parka hood.
"Oh, hey, Kenny," Kyle greeted. "Where have you been, dude? You missed the entire game."
"Oh, you know, just over there," he said, pointing in a random direction. "Wanna play Cowboys vs. Mexicans?"
"Sure, but don't invite any of the Crystal Gems, they suck," Stan said. "Peridot's really good at these games for some reason, she makes them super not fun."
Kenny shrugged. "I don't know. Some of them are alright."
"What, have you been hanging out with them?" Cartman laughed. "Hey. Hey guys. Kyenny's been hanging out with Crystal Gems!"
"Knock it off, Cartman," Kyle said, glaring.
"I'm JUST saying, he's been gone ALL DAY, and he's trying to tell us the Crystal Gems are his best friends now," Cartman defended. "What am I SUPPOSED to take from that?"
"Maybe he just thinks you're being really harsh, fatass!" Kyle accused.
"AY! I'm not fat, and Stan's the one who said it, not me!"
Kenny ignored them. He wondered how Lapis was doing.
The beach house was completely dark, except for the area in front of Steven's bed, where he and Peridot were wrapped up in sleeping bags watching a cutscene in the video game they'd been taking turns playing.
"...Aw, nigga, don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful, nigga, maybe if you got rid of that old yee-yee ass haircut you got you'd get some bitches on ya dick. Oh, better yet, maybe Tanisha will call yo dog ass if she ever stops fuckin' with that brain surgeon or lawyer she's fuckin' with. Nigga~."
"...What?"
Peridot grinned. "He's my favorite character."
Steven frowned. "Peridot, you aren't supposed to LIKE any of these characters, they're criminals."
"I'm sorry, who's the war criminal in this room?" Peridot placed a finger on Steven's nose. "Boop. You. You are." Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.
Steven raised an eyebrow. "I wonder who that could be?" he asked nobody in particular. Peridot still had her finger on his nose.
"I'll get it," she mumbled, standing up out of her sleeping bag and walking over to the door. Once there, she yawned, and opened it. "No solicitors—" Peridot stopped. She stared up at the figure in front of her, her eyes widening. She almost didn't believe it.
"Peridot," Lapis said. "We need to talk."